Fan Fiction, Sex Gods and Single Girls
A/N: This is a really short one. I wasn't planning on posting the phone call between Edward and Renee because I like the mystery of Renee's phone calls. But then I just couldn't help myself. So here it is...
Chapter 61: The Momversation
A short while ago, out on the patio, while Bella was taking a quick potty-trip inside...
Edward looked at the screen of Bella's phone and saw the somewhat-familiar-looking, smiling image of an attractive, middle-aged woman with blue eyes and light brown hair. Even if he hadn't recognized the face that matched several photos in Bella's room, and even if he hadn't read and recognized the name on the screen, the ringtone, Take Me Out to the Ballgame, had been a dead give-away. Edward recalled that ringtone from his breakfast date with Bella Monday morning and knew her mother was calling.
When he'd stepped through the patio slider, calling out to Bella, and she didn't respond, he'd turned back to the phone uncertainly. He wasn't quite sure exactly what to do. He knew Bella's mother could call back if the call went unanswered, or Bella could call her back at her convenience, but he also knew her mother lived far away. He remembered Bella wanting to take her mother's call on Monday at breakfast, and since she was probably just about to exit the bathroom anyway, he picked the phone up off the jack, glancing at the name on the screen once more before answering.
"Uh, hello? Mrs. Dwyer?"
"Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I must have mis-… Wait. What? Yes, this is Renee Dwyer. I was trying to call my daughter… Who is this? Oh, goodness is this… Are you…Edward?!"
Edward stifled a chuckle, happy to hear that Bella's mom seemed to expect that it was him and even remembered his name. That had to be a good thing—Bella must have had more than the Monday morning conversation with her mother, mentioning him.
"Yes, Mrs. Dwyer. This is Edward; Edward Cullen."
"Well, Edward! Hello! Please, just call me Renee. I apologize; I wasn't thinking when you answered Bella's phone. I just assumed I'd somehow misdialed, but her number is programmed into my phone. Is it even possible to mis-dial a preset number?"
She sounded friendly, if not a little scattered.
"I…uh… No, I don't think so, Mrs.…uh…Renee."
"I didn't think so. Well, it's so nice to have the chance to speak to you. Are you over at Bella's or is she with you? Not that it's really any of my business, I guess. I certainly don't mean to intrude."
Edward smiled to himself. He could well imagine his own mother asking the same question and then following up with the same apology, still secretly wanting the information.
"No, that's okay. I'm at Bella's. She invited me for dinner."
"Oh, well, goodness, why didn't you say so? I didn't mean to interrupt. I can call Bella back tomorrow or she can call me when she's got the chance. It's not an emergency; I just called for a quick mother/daughter chat. I'll let you two get back to your dinner."
"No, it's fine. You're not interrupting. We've eaten. We're just taking a little break before dessert. And, uh, Bella just stepped into the bathroom; I'm sure she'll be right out."
"Oh, well okay. If you're sure I'm not interrupting anything?"
"I'm positive," Edward said, smiling.
Well then, tell me about yourself while I have you on the line, Edward! You'll have to pardon my prying, but Bella can be a lot like Charlie—that's her father—so reluctant to open up and share sometimes. But now that I have a voice to put with your name, I'm just more curious! So how about giving me your stats and telling me what you do for business and for pleasure."
Edward chuckled. Renee Dwyer got right to the point.
Edward's eyes were on Bella as she returned through the house and joined him on the patio. She wanted to know who he was talking to, noticing it was her phone in his hand, but he just indicated for her to wait as he gave Renee Dwyer his "stats."
"Well, let's see, I'm twenty eight; green eyes and reddish-brown hair; 6'2" and 180 pounds. I'm a venture capitalist and owner of a few local businesses. I pay my taxes, don't do drugs, and have never been convicted, arrested or suspected of any crimes…uh…not that I've committed any either. I enjoy reading, listening to music and playing the piano and guitar. And recently I've been enjoying spending quite a lot of time with your lovely daughter."
Edward grinned at Bella, silently mouthing "It's your mom."
But Bella was already reaching for the phone in dismay with a hissed, "Ohmygod! No! This is a bad idea!"
Edward just batted her hand away. She didn't need to be so concerned; he was confident he could hold his own in a conversation with his girlfriend's mother. And so he tuned back into what Renee was saying on the other end of the line.
"Well, so it sounds like you're a big guy, Edward! I'd love to have a face to put with all that. I've asked Bella to send me a photo, but… Well, I think she's been reluctant to mention that to you. Maybe you can work on that for me? A photo to satisfy a mother's curiosity?"
"Sure, I'd be happy to do that for you, Renee," Edward said, nodding. He looked up to see Bella covering her mouth with both hands, as if stifling a silent scream. He shook his head in amusement, blew her a little kiss and grinned.
"I must say, you seem perfectly charming, Edward. So polite and well-spoken! And you sound well-rounded and quite successful, too, so you must be a smart young man."
"Thank you, Renee. I'd like to think I am." He smiled widely at Bella. This was a piece of cake.
"So, I'm just wondering…are you having sex with my daughter?"
Edward nearly swallowed his tongue.
He'd certainly stopped breathing. This had suddenly become no piece of cake.
He stood up straight to make a good impression, though Bella's mother couldn't possibly see that, and swallowed reflexively in an attempt to speak...or swallow down the piece of cake that this wasn't.
"Uh...I'm s-sorry? Wh-what was that?" He could hardly get the words out as his eyes shot to Bella's face.
But Bella's face was resting in her hand. She was massaging her temples and shaking her head in seemingly well-accustomed dismay. She'd obviously known the conversation might take this kind of harrowing turn.
"Sex, Edward. Are you and Bella having sex?"
Bella's mother's voice was neither accusing nor demanding. It was completely congenial and conversational and Edward had to wonder if that was normal. He was suddenly so thankful he and Bella hadn't had sex yet because he couldn't imagine having to admit that to her mother in this moment.
Hopefully Renee Dwyer wouldn't inquire about naked groping.
"Uh, no! No, ma'am." He looked at Bella and tried to smile reassuringly but it was difficult because he felt so very unsure.
"Oh. Well. You're not? Oh, well. Well, when you do, just promise me you'll both be smart. I've tried to impress upon Bella how important it is to be careful. I know she's a smart girl and she usually has a very mature attitude about things, but I know how easy it can be to just get swept up in the moment. So, I just want to know that you're both going to make smart decisions and be careful."
Edward was nodding. It was really more of a rapid and repeated, spastic head-bob.
"Of course, Mrs. Dw…uh…Renee. We certainly will…I mean we would…if...we...you know...were to. Uh, listen; it was a real pleasure to talk to you, Renee. Here's Bella now." His eyes shot to Bella's, anxious to turn this debacle over to her.
"Thank you, Edward. It was a pleasure to talk to you, too. You take care! And take good care of my baby!"
"Will do. Goodbye now." He pressed the phone into Bella's hand, murmuring, "I'm going to open that second bottle of wine now."
Bella watched as Edward practically sprinted across the lawn. She raised her phone to her ear.
"Mom? Hi. What did you…?" Bella didn't get any farther in her question. Renee was already jumping in.
"Hi, baby! I thought I'd give you a call to find out how school was going and if you were still seeing Edward. Obviously you are! Imagine how surprised I was to actually have the opportunity to talk to him! Oh, and he seems like such a nice, polite boy, and he's obviously bright and successful. And it was very sweet of him to humor me and tell me all about himself in a nutshell. And that voice… My goodness! Of course I can only imagine the face to go with that. He told me you were having dinner together and I really didn't want to interrupt, but he said you were taking a little break before dessert. So what did you make for him, Bella?"
Bella blinked, trying to sort through what her mother had said so she could reply. Briefly.
"School is going well and Edward and I are having a picnic in the backyard for dinner; sandwiches and stuff."
"With all the wonderful dishes you know how to make, you made him a sandwich, Bella? And you're eating outside? Isn't it a little cold? A picnic seems like a sunny day kind of thing to do—then again, I suppose a chilly evening picnic is the perfect excuse to snuggle up and create a little heat of your own!"
Bella rolled her eyes. "Edward gave me a picnic basket as a housewarming gift and I wanted to use it tonight, and yes, it's starting to get a little chilly. Listen, Mom, can I call you back? I don't want to keep Edward waiting. And tomorrow will be hectic; I'm going to a football game at school, but I can call you on the weekend, if that's okay."
"Oh, of course! That's fine, baby. You have a lovely rest of the evening with Edward and we'll catch up on the weekend—and you can tell me all about the rest of your dinner date! I love you, Bella, and I'm just so happy for you, Baby!"
"Thanks, Mom. Love you, too. I'll talk to you this weekend. Bye."
Bella ended the call and looked apologetically at Edward as he stood in the kitchen, pouring wine into their glasses.
"Make mine a double," she sighed.
Edward laughed. "That's two doubles, coming right up!"
Edward had come to expect the occasional penis conversation with his father but he certainly hadn't expected one with Bella's mother. And certainly not during his first conversation with her. At least they hadn't been face-to-face; he would have had a stroke. But he now better understood Bella's propensity to say the most unexpected things sometimes. It was obviously an inherited trait.
A/N: You probably saw that coming. If not, I hope that shed some light. ;)