Written for the Prove Yourself to Your Mistress challenge on peoplespalace . My prompt from brontefanatic was "Darken/Cara, There's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking." Nonsense ensued. No really, don't even ask me to explain myself, because I just don't have an explanation for this.

Author: pristineungift
Fandom: Legend of the Seeker (but set in the world of Zoolander. Kind of.)
Rating: PG
Summary:The Rahl brothers are models and some of the best, but occasionally, one of them wants more. Also, glasses and boobies. Darken/Cara, Richard/Kahlan. AU silliness abounds.

Beefcake Brothers

Staring at himself in the mirror, Darken practiced his Full-Lipped Pout. This was different than his Sideways Pout, or his Shadowed Brood. Richard was practicing his Runway Walk behind him. Darken could see him passing back and forth in the dressing room mirror, his oiled abs shining under the florescent lights. Richard was doing a speedo shoot today.

"Hey brother," Darken said as he turned in his chair, his hair flying sexily around his face in a practiced gesture, "do you think there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking?" Darken used his Questioning Pout, the one that made his blue eyes shine.

"What?" Richard replied as he stopped to flex in the mirror, caressing his abs with one finger. "I don't know, brother, being really, really ridiculously good looking is what we do. But…"

Darken leaned forward eagerly, striking his Thinking Pose, one hand on his chin. "But what, brother?" he asked earnestly.

Leaning forward conspiratorially (which was slightly different from leaning forward eagerly), Richard looked back and forth, "It's a secret, I can't tell you until those guys leave." He gestured at the mirrors.

Whispering, Darken replied, "I think those guys are us. Maybe." Suddenly uncertain, he peered at the mirrors, to try to catch the men inside doing something they shouldn't.

"Oh, right," Richard nodded, "I forget sometimes." Assured that no one was in the room but his brother and himself, he sat in a make-up chair next to Darken and admitted, "Sometimes I wish I could read good." His features flowed into his version of the Hopeful Pout.

Darken pulled his brother into a hug, getting body oil all over himself. Fortunately, he had yet to change into the clothes he was meant to be modeling. "We'll find a way for you to read good, brother, I promise!" Darken declared.

His eyes welling with (sexy) tears, Richard nodded, then sat back to look at Darken. "But hey brother, why were you thinking about doing stuff besides being really, really ridiculously good looking?"

Almost shyly, Darken turned away. "It's this girl."

Richard blinked, not understanding, "So? We got lots of girls."

Darken shook his head, "No, brother! This is different. When I see her, my chest feels all funny, and I start thinking about weird stuff, like apple pie, and modeling for wedding stuff. Except. Not modeling. Real."

"Whooaaaa," Richard breathed, his eyes going wide.

"I know, right?" Darken continued. "But she won't even go out with me. Every time I tell her she can, she says I'm presumptuous, and that she only dates people with substance."

"Brother, what does 'presumptuous' mean?"

"I don't know!" Darken wailed, Despairing Pout firmly in place.

After a few moments of hard thought, Richard snapped his fingers, "I bet Kahlan knows. She knows everything. She's so smart." A look of blissful hero worship shone from his face, "Plus, while she's helping, we can look at her boobies."

Cheered by the thought, Darken got up and followed Richard.


Kahlan was on the set, arranging models for a commercial. She was a photographer camera type lady, the Rahl brothers knew that much. She also had wonderful boobies, and could have made a career of being really, really ridiculously good looking, but when they asked her about it she always laughed at them and said things that didn't make sense.

"Richard, Darken, what are you doing out here? You're supposed to be in the make-up room. Did you forget your schedule again?" Kahlan asked, exasperated. Where was their handler? She didn't have time for them today (especially if they wanted to have another threesome) if she was going to get this commercial for glasses shot on time.

"We need your help, Kahlan," Richard said, breaking out the Pleading Pout.

Kahlan sighed, as she signaled for her glasses models to sit down. "What is it? And where's Cara? She's supposed to be watching you two."

At the mention of Cara's name, Darken made a funny little noise. Richard gasped at his reaction, "Cara?"

Darken nodded.

A big grin on his face, Richard turned to Kahlan, "Brother has a crush on Cara!"

"Well Richard can't read good!" Darken countered.

Richard yelped, then glared, the brothers facing off in an Angry Pout match.

Overhearing the argument and not quite realizing what dealing with the ridiculously good looking entailed, the owner and designer of the new glasses Kahlan was shooting a commercial for came over, smelling some free advertising like a shark with blood in the water. If Sebastian could get the Rahl brothers to wear his specs, well, everyone would!

"Want to be able to read, but still look great? Not a problem!" Sebastian clapped Richard on the back, pulling a demo pair of his new frame design out of his pocket. "With Sebastian Specs, you'll be the hottest man of substance in town!"

Richard put the glasses on, smiling widely, "These will help me read good?"

Kahlan felt her heart melt a little, and couldn't bear to tell him no.

"Substance?" Darken perked up. "Wearing Sebastian Specs gives you substance?" He clutched at the lapels of Sebastian's suit, a Crazed Pout on his face, "Can I have a pair? Can I?"

Quickly Sebastian nodded, handing over another pair just to get the beefcake to let go of him. "Do they know that those are just window glass?" he asked Kahlan as the Rahl brothers whirled away back to the make-up room.

"They probably don't realize they shouldn't be window glass," Kahlan sighed as she signaled her current models to get back into position.


Darken sat in front of the mirror, practicing all of his pouts with and without his new glasses. Richard was in the corner, reading the backs of hair care products with a look of utter delight.

Hearing the clack-clack of a pair of heels he recognized, Darken took his glasses off and spun in his chair to face the door.

In came Cara, her blond hair pulled back into a sleek ponytail, her functional suit at least two seasons behind.

Darken felt his chest go all funny.

"Alright," she was saying, "I've got your boneless, skinless, saltless wings, and your sugarless fruit smoothies. Now – " She stopped, suddenly suspicious at the look Darken was giving her.

And was Richard reading?

"What have you two been doing? I told you to stay in the make-up room!" Cara scolded, advancing on Darken.

Darken's heart started to go badump badump badoop. He was pretty sure that was what it was doing. He clutched his new glasses in his hand.

"Show me what you're hiding, Darken," Cara sternly commanded, at her wits end. Sometimes, she really wished she could beat the Rahl brothers with a riding crop.

Shrinking in on himself, and then realizing he was doing it and purposefully taking a regal stance, Darken slipped his new designer eyewear onto his face.

Cara's jaw dropped, a heated blush crawling along her skin.

Badump badump badoop.

"Will you go out with me now that I have substance?" Darken asked.



Darken and Cara celebrated their three month anniversary (which was like their 17th in model years) on a double date with Richard and Kahlan. Darken expressed his desire to take Cara on a carriage ride like in a commercial, but real. Cara gave him a new pair of Sebastian Specs that brought out the blue in his eyes, heat pooling in her loins as he modeled them for her at the restaurant table.

Richard sighed wistfully as he saw how happy his brother was, and thought maybe there wassomething more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking.

"I know it's not our anniversary, but I got you a present anyway," Kahlan said to Richard, knowing how the brothers hated for one to get a gift without the other.

Richard took the package she held out to him, opening it with glee. It was a book. Quickly, Richard pulled out his glasses (which he had taken to carrying with him in case he needed to read good) and opened the book to the first page.

"The c-cat in the h-hat," he sounded out. Looking up, he exclaimed, "This is awesome!"

Then he buried his face in Kahlan's boobies.