The following day, Missouri;
Ever since I had talked to Cameron on the phone last night, I had been unable to stop thinking about her. Nothing new there though. Whenever I was alone, I found my thoughts drifting towards her and wondering what she was doing, was she thinking about me. Yes, I am fully aware that I am whipped – I don't care. From the moment that girl walked into my life, I had been besotted with her.
My usual charm hadn't worked – not when Hardy was in the picture, I am not proud to say that I had sunk to new lows in my quest to get the girl of my dreams and I had quickly learned that Cameron was not one to be manipulated. For a while there she had stopped talking to me – she had stopped working for me, and she had warned me not to come near her. What did I do? I stomped my feet and threw all my toys out the pram; I had dug up where her ex was and called him, with the promise of where he could find her. It was only after he arrived and started making Cam's life Hell that I realized the massive mistake that I had made.
Trying to grovel had gotten me nowhere – only when I had admitted to her that I knew I had made a mistake, she actually listened to me and slowly accepted me back into her life. And now – now we were close friends and if I couldn't have her as my girlfriend, then having her as my friend was the very next best thing.
With Jeff being on TNA – it had left Cam alone on the WWE – so I had promised him that I would look out for her. And at first it had seemed like nothing would change, but lately Cam has seemed distanced, she isn't the type of girl to belly ache about the hands that she was dealt; but I could see it in her face, having gotten to know her more over the past 6 months or so, I could tell when her moods were up and when they were down. Lately they had all been down; it was an effort to get her to smile, let alone actually laugh.
What I had learnt along the way was that – if Cam didn't want to talk about something, the more you pushed, the more she pulled away – I knew that if and when she needed to talk, she would. I was here for her, that was what friends did. That was something that she taught me – I had been completely obsessed with my friends and that they agree with everything that I say, that I had missed out on a few friends along the way.
The doorbell ringing grabbed my attention, and I placed my mug of coffee on the island and strode out to the front door and pulled it open.
"Cam?" I blinked, "what's wrong?"
"I uhm...I am so stupid, I uhm...I came to stay with Kristina and Jay; but I hadn't realized that they had actually taken off for a few days to get some alone time, and I don't know anyone else in Missouri...and you're my friend so I was kind of hoping that me and the kids could stay for a few days?"
"Of course you can," I leaned over and plucked Shannon Amber out of her arms while she and CT stumbled over the threshold with their bags, "you don't need to ask Cam, anytime you need me I am here – you know that,"
"Thanks Randy," she smiled before turning and closing the door behind her.
She had been crying – her eyes were red and swollen; she was completely devoid of make-up but yet she looked beautiful, very girl next door. Told you I was whipped, I just didn't see the blotches on her cheeks from rubbing the tears away...in fact I didn't see anything other than her and the way I always saw her.
God I really am much more whipped than I ever realized, and it wasn't like I could say that I was pussy whipped – cos; well we hadn't had sex. We had shared a bed on the road though, but we were both always fully clothed and nothing ever happened.
"CT why don't you take your sister up to the second floor and pick a room for each of you," I was concerned about Cam; she truly looked like she was barely holding it together. CT nodded and eased his little sister out of my arms. I knew that the kid didn't like me – he never had, but I had time – just like his Mom, I would prove to him that I had not only changed but that I could be trusted.
"I'm so sorry Randy," she burst down once the kids were out of view and I crossed the space between us in record time; wrapping her up in my arms, she felt so small in comparison but her strength as always was much more than you could believe she possessed.
"Sshhh sweetheart, you don't need to apologise for anything," I soothed gently rubbing her back until she started to calm down.
Once she calmed down completely, she composed herself and the vulnerable little girl that I had just witnessed was once again shut away. Never to be mentioned, I knew her well enough to know that I shouldn't push to know what happened, because doing that only succeeded in making her clam up more tightly than fort knox.
"Drink?" I asked leading her back into the kitchen where I had been drinking my coffee and going through the mail.
"Coffee would be great thank you," she replied, "yours smells delish,"
"Coming right up,"
"For not asking," she replied smiling at me – but there was no light behind it, not her usual bright spark that lit her entire face. "You always seem to know what to say...or to not say in this instance,"
"It's a gift!" I joked.
"Well don't lose that gift, I just wish that other people were bestowed with it!"
"Me too," I agreed dumping the 2 large spoonfuls of sugar that she liked into the bottom of the mug while I wanted for the perculater heated up once again.
I may know not to ask about it, but that didn't stop me from wondering what was happening, or what had happened. Jeff and Cameron had always seemed air tight – nothing could come in between what they shared with one another; but I had a feeling that this was definitely something to do with him; I just hoped that he hadn't hurt her too much that she'd never get over it, or (if she really wanted) that they couldn't work through it. I did mean it when I said that I wanted her to be happy and if that meant that she was happy with another man, then I had to live with that.
"I haven't interrupted you or anything have I?"
"Not at all," I assured her, "to be honest, you've kind of saved me..."
"Well I had absolutely no plans for the next 2 days, which would have ended in me becoming very frustrated, now you're here – I can spend my time with you and the kids, if you don't mind of course,"
I heard a small cry come from her, but I didn't impose by turning around to check on her. What the Hell had happened? Would she even tell me? I busied myself with making her coffee; trying hard to ignore my instinct to go and gather her into my arms; where I could cradle her from more hurt and I could try to ease some of the hurt that she was experiencing right now.
Turning back to her, I caught the sight of her wiping her eyes and trying to swallow back the fresh stream that was threatening to spill down onto her cheeks like a waterfall. I placed the mug in front of her and then went about getting rid of the mail that I had been going through and then sat back down opposite her at the breakfast bar.
With the tears in her eyes, they looked like a glacier in Alaska – so vibrant, so alluring, so vivid and so addictive.
I had tried so hard to get over her, I had dated, I had even tried distancing myself from her but nothing worked. Everyone I met was compared to her, nothing seems worthwhile without her. I had eventually stopped dating because I knew that it wasn't fair to anyone. Especially, when I just knew that I was in love with her. I had tried not too, I had tried telling myself that I just wanted her because I couldn't have her, but none of it worked. I was stuck in her, I was her willing hostage.
It had been torture trying to leave this morning. Just looking into those beautiful green eyes of Jeff's; was almost enough to make me just stay and put up with how everything was. However, the minute that Matt, Shannon and Monster showed up, I knew that I couldn't stay. Walking out of that house with the guys looking at me unsure of what was happening, had all but tore my heart into a million pieces.
Shannon Amber had whailed all the way to the car; and I knew that it had hurt Jeff to just watch us leave. I knew that he loved me, I knew that he didn't understand why I was leaving and that was part of the problem. With the way things stood right now, he couldn't see that he had been neglecting me. And if I stayed – he'd never see it. In essence, if I stayed, I was as bad as he was because I wasn't willing to take drastic action to rectify the problem. I had to be the strong one, I had to be the grown up – like I had been for the past while.
Securing Shannon Amber in her car seat, I moved to the drivers side, and slid in behind the wheel. CT buckled up in the front seat next to me and I drove away, not even looking back. I had to be strong and I had to stick to my guns. I would never get what I wanted by being weak. And I wanted our family back on track. I just hoped that Matt would see that and make Jeff see it. Matt was the one who understood things of the heart; I don't know why but he just got it and if anyone was going to understand why I left it would be him.
The truth was – a relationship couldn't and wouldn't last if one person was doing all the giving and the other was doing all the taking. Ever since he had gone to TNA 6 months ago; he had done nothing but take. I had to cater to him and his needs – when he was home, he treated me like an after thought and I could understand to an extent why he was doing it – being that we rarely got time off at the same time; but in my mind that made the time that we did get together more special and more private. At least I thought that it was – he had just gotten stuck in a rut of not having me around as much as I had used to be. And I had to walk away to make him see that I wasn't an after thought – I was the mother of his daughter, we were practically man and wife from the way we lived.
I should have called Kristina to check that she and Jay were home, they often took off when they had a couple of days off. It was their way of relieving the stress of being together 24/7 on the road. They had the perfect balance – they were together on the road all the time, they travelled together, they shared the same room and they ate together but for them that was just work, when they were off – they liked quality time together.
I knew that Kristina had been in my position before, that was why I had wanted to stay with her; I knew that she would understand. And I think deep down, I wanted someone to tell me that I wasn't being selfish and that I wasn't asking for too much. I didn't want Jeff to give up his free time completely, I just wanted him to recognise that I was still here and that I needed attention too. I needed to know that he still loved me, and that he still found me attractive, and that he still wanted to be with me; but lately – I haven't been feeling that at all.
"I know you hate it Cam, but what's wrong?" Randy asked reaching his hand across the breakfast bar and lacing his fingers through mine.
"Everything," I sighed gripping his hand tightly. "I never thought that I'd be...I was so happy for the first time in my life...I let my walls down and I...I should have known fucking better...women like me don't get a happy ever after!"
"Why would you say something like that?" he asked his eyes knitted in the middle in confusion.
"'Cos it's true," I told him.
One thing about Randy was the fact that when he looked at me – there was nothing there but admiration. In Randy's eyes I never did anything wrong, and from the way I had felt about him in the beginning to getting to this point, it had been a long road but everything that he had done was because he cared deeply about me. Yes, he had done things the wrong way but he knew that now, he knew that I wouldn't let anyone manipulate me anymore and more important, he respected that.
"No it's not Cam," he firmly argued. "I know that you still think that what Steven drummed into your head is true, I know that sometimes, you just look at yourself and you pick at every aspect of your being, what you don't realize is that you are perfect the way you are..."
"No I'm not perfect, Steven wouldn't have said those things if they weren't true..."
"Cam – Steven said those things because he wanted to control you, he made you think that he was doing you a favour being with you and nothing is further from the truth. The truth is that he knew he was hitting well out of his ball park in landing you as a girlfriend and he saw a way to make you dependent on him and that's what he did by putting you down, by seperating you from your friends and family and from beating you,"
People always said that to me – but it never seemed true. Jeff once told me that it was because as human beings, we are programmed to believe the bad stuff that is said to you, and it's almost impossible to believe the good stuff. That was so true – even when he gave me compliments, I'd still sometimes question them.
Steven had done a number on me – I wasn't anything at all as strong as the person that I wanted the world to believe I was. Every few months or so, I'd get a run of dreams from when I had been with Steven and that would then lead to me hardly getting any sleep and being an even bigger paranoid.
"I just don't know what more I can do Randy,"
"It's like he's a completely different person – we never spend time together anymore, it's almost impossible to get time off together; you know that better than anyone, but when we do manage to get the time together, he never wants to spend it with me – he's always doing stuff with the others and since I had Shannon Amber, I have grown up and I don't want to be spending my time with a group of people, I want alone time with my family," I explained, "and I just realized how selfish that sounded,"
"Not selfish," he corrected me, "entitled, he's your partner, he's the father of Shannon Amber and he needs to learn that things can't be the way they were when you didn't have her, I mean it's different with CT; he's practically grown up and he can get involved with the things the guys do but she's a baby, she needs to be protected and safe,"
"I could kiss you Randy," I beamed glad that someone was finally getting it.
"Jeff doesn't get – he didn't even realize that there was a problem between us,"
"Are you serious?"
"Yep," I nodded. "He actually said that the world doesn't revolve around me..."
"He said what?" there was a frightening shadow that flickered across his eyes, making them almost deadly, "he said that? He really said that?"
"Mmhmmm," I nodded.
"Out of fucking line!" He growled angrily.
Randy was one of those people who could magically switch his temper on and off – it was convienant for him and had worked in so many situations that I had seen since Jeff had jumped to TNA. Like I had thought earlier, it seemed like me and Randy were the ones who were clicking now. And that scared me.
I loved Jeff, I wanted to be with Jeff but if things don't change, I don't know what I will do because I had to stick to my guns. It would kill a huge part of me inside, but I wouldn't let another man walk all over the top of me and right now that was what was with Jeff. I never would have thought that it was possible but here we were – I had left our home, to get some space and he didn't even understand why. He couldn't see that there was a problem, but maybe by leaving and giving him the chance to think, he will figure it out. At least that was what I was hoping for.
Holding Randy's hand, I looked into his eyes and saw that new tenderness that he had adopted since we had started to hang out. Kristina had said that it was a look that he only ever sported around me. Personally I figured that Randy had moved on from me and I was ok with that. He was one of my best friends and where I had once guarded him cautiously, now I knew that I could trust him impeccably.
Where I had once believed that Jeff had my back no matter what, now I felt the exact opposite. And that realization killed a huge part of my heart. And a small part let him go in that moment.
A/N - I hope that you guys will enjoy, I would appreciate it if you let me know what you think, or fave, alert etc, love you guys xoxoxox