A/N: This is all ForeverLulu's fault. She's officially corrupted me. Although I must thank her for rereading this to make sure it makes at least a little bit of sense before I posted it.
I've created what I like to call the Day-Dream Sequence. So if all of a sudden someone's wildly OOC and you didn't see it coming and you're about to yell at me ... just trust me and keep reading for a minute and try not to be confused.
This started out as a conversation between Lu and myself where we were laughing about episodes that could have really funny inappropriate moments, "Gilligan Goes Gung Ho" included. I'm pretty sure there was a discussion about frisking and Lulu may have wanted deputy Gilligan to use the phrase "spread 'em!" at some point. (Don't worry, that didn't end up in this story). I'm not sure how that morphed into this, but now that I've got this little guilty pleasure story out of my system, I think I'll be okay. o.O
Plagiarism Disclaimer: Some dialogue was stolen directly from an episode of Dusty's Trail and also from an epic Today Show interview that Katie Couric did with Bob and Dawn. I'm not kidding.
Skipper: Gilligan, how could you do such a thing? [arrest everyone]
Gilligan: It wasn't easy! The girls put up a good fight!
"Gilligan Goes Gung Ho"
I Fought The Law (And The Law Won)
Mr. Howell heard them coming long before Gilligan appeared on the trail leading to the jail cell. The new deputy emerged from the foliage, hauling Ginger and Mary Ann rather roughly along behind him.
Ginger was pulling at the hand clamped around her arm, clawing at Gilligan with her long manicured talons. Both girls were shrieking and Mr. Howell could barely make out a word as they gave their captor the most spectacular lecture he'd ever heard.
But Gilligan didn't look like he was listening. His mouth was set in a determined line as he tried to figure out how to get the key out of his pocket without letting go of either one of his prisoners. Mr. Howell offered to retrieve the key for him if he'd just step closer to the bars and Gilligan looked like he briefly considered it before he narrowed his eyes suspiciously and backed away from the cell.
Finally, in what Mr. Howell considered an impressively quick move, Gilligan let go of Mary Ann's elbow and, before she even realized she was free, wrapped his arm tightly around her waist. She yelped as she collided with him, his shoulder nearly smashing into her throat, and Gilligan fished in his pocket for the key with his newly freed hand.
Mary Ann was stunned into silence for a moment and Gilligan used the opportunity to retrieve the key and unlock the cell door. He held the door mostly closed with his leg so Mr. Howell couldn't fling it open and flee.
"Gilligan, my boy, this is ridiculous! Let me out of here!" the millionaire called, rattling the bars.
"Sorry, Mr. Howell. I'm just doing my job."
All three of them began yelling again as Gilligan somehow managed to get Ginger inside the cell. Six hands reached for the key and pushed on the door, stretching through the bars. Gilligan backed into the door to keep it closed, one arm still holding on to his third prisoner, the other holding the key aloft, just out of their reach.
"He's drunk with power!"
"Gimme that key, Gilligan!"
"No! You're guilty! If you break the law, you go to jail!"
Gilligan staggered forward as Ginger and Mr. Howell struggled with the cell door, but he regained his footing and pushed back, sneakers digging little trenches in the sand. Mary Ann was pulled tight against Gilligan's chest and peering helplessly over his shoulder at the two prisoners in the cell as he braced his back against the bamboo bars to hold the door closed. He had both arms around Mary Ann's middle as she struggled against him, pushing at him with one hand, the other bent behind her back and vainly pulling at the key clutched in his fist.
Gilligan and Mary Ann staggered forward again as Ginger and Mr. Howell rushed the door in unison. A moment later Gilligan realized that he no longer had a hold on Mary Ann or the cell door. All four castaways stared at each other for a split-second before simultaneously bursting into action. Gilligan slammed the door closed and threw his body up against it as Ginger and Mr. Howell made a break for freedom. Mary Ann rushed up behind Gilligan, pulling at his shirt and trying to reach over his shoulder for the key as he fought to lock the door.
Ginger suddenly looked up. "Mary Ann! Mary Ann! Get the Skipper!"
Mary Ann's eyes widened with the realization that she was free and she turned and bolted before Gilligan could process what Ginger had said.
"Skipper!" Mary Ann yelled as she tore through the jungle. "Professor!" She wasn't sure where the other men were collecting the phosphorescent rocks, but she hoped she was heading in the right direction.
Mary Ann knew that she could never outrun Gilligan. He was too fast, too agile and wily. She could never outrun him, but maybe with a big enough head start she could end up within earshot of the Skipper before he caught her.
The Skipper should have known better than to put Gilligan in charge, but he had been doing such a good job directing traffic earlier that day and lulled the captain into a false sense of security. When Gilligan was first appointed deputy, Mary Ann was so proud of him. He was overjoyed and it made her happy to see him so happy and she found it oddly thrilling to see him wielding such power. She even played along when he arrested Mr. Howell – the blustery millionaire might benefit from a few hours behind bars – but Gilligan pushed it too far when he tried to arrest Ginger for building the fire in the same place they built it every day.
Mary Ann heard Gilligan in the distance behind her. Each time he called out to her he sounded closer. Mary Ann took a deep breath and pulled all of the energy from the depths of her body. She was exhausted from the fight she put up at the jail, but she used her last burst of power to surge forward.
She nearly flew down a steep hill, her pink kerchief coming untied under her chin and soaring off into the air. Behind her, Gilligan emerged from the trees and skidded on the wet grass, sliding right off the top of the hill. He landed hard, bouncing and rolling down the hill like a runaway boulder. Mary Ann heard him yell and wanted to stop and help him, but he leapt to his feet unscathed as soon as he hit the bottom.
When Mary Ann glanced over her shoulder a few moments later, Gilligan was gone, the flash of red no longer pursuing her. She grinned proudly, but her eyes widened and she let out an unintelligible shout when she faced forward again to see him standing directly in front of her, arms crossed and looking incredibly smug.
Mary Ann's momentum sent her crashing into him and he landed flat on his back in the underbrush with her on top of him. He gasped for air as Mary Ann pushed off his chest and scrambled to her feet. He rolled over and grabbed her ankle and Mary Ann fell again. Gilligan scuttled through the leaves, holding on to her to keep her from running, trying to ignore the handful of bare thigh he accidentally seized. He planted his knees in the dirt on either side of her, straddling her waist. She pushed at his chest and he grabbed her wrists, pinning them to the ground above her head.
"You're under arrest!" he yelled, leaning over her.
"For what?" Mary Ann shot back.
Gilligan faltered for a second. "Resisting arrest?"
They stared at each other for a long time. They were both out of breath from their sprint through the jungle, nearly panting with exertion. Perspiration glistened on his brow, his face not six inches above hers as he held her arms down, keeping himself safely out of reach of her nails. The pins had come out of her hair and it fanned out around her head, leaves and twigs stuck in the waves.
Mary Ann stared up at him through giant eyes. Gilligan looked enormously proud of himself. This was a man who took his job seriously. But he was also grinning inanely, as if he'd forgotten that he was chasing what he considered a criminal and was instead playing an elaborate game of cops and robbers that he just won.
Mary Ann wasn't sure how she felt. She was annoyed, but no longer angry. She was shocked by his strength, stunned by his determination, and astonished by his power, and she kind of liked it.
"Gilligan?" she croaked out. It came out softer and weaker than she wanted and she swallowed hard. "Let me up." He was fighting to replace the amused grin plastered his face with a look of all-business seriousness and was failing. "I mean it, Gilligan."
"That's Officer Gilligan to you, ma'am."
Mary Ann fixed him with her best exasperated expression. "Come on, Gilligan. Knock it off."
"I'm afraid I can't do that. You've committed a crime. You've been a bad girl and now you have to face the consequences."
Mary Ann's eyes widened and she studied his face, still hovering close above her. He was completely oblivious to how that sounded. "Gilligan..."
"Officer Gilligan," he repeated firmly, but quietly. "Are you ready to confess?"
Mary Ann gulped. She felt her heartbeat pick up speed. "I ... uh."
"There's no use fighting. I caught you."
She suddenly realized the awkward position he had naively gotten her into, but she was glad her arms were still pinned to the ground because if she could move she'd probably do something stupid and impulsive. She wondered for the briefest moment what he would do if she lifted her head and kissed him. Although it was something to consider – he'd probably be so surprised that he'd let go of her.
Mary Ann didn't have time to ponder it further because in the next instant his lips were on hers. It was like he read her mind and she lifted her head – the only part of her she could move – to meet with him. When he finally let go of her wrists she immediately took him by the jaw and pulled him closer. His knees slipped out from under him and he lost his balance, falling completely on top of her. He yelped and they laughed, but the kiss was perfect – long and slow and romantic. She sighed and linked her arms around his neck. She felt his hand slide up and down her thigh, but it stayed away from her shorts. She turned to kiss his cheek sweetly and his lips were instantly at her ear, telling her that he loved her over and over.
Mary Ann flinched, returning to the real world. "What?" she gasped.
He hadn't moved an inch. "I said 'I caught you.'"
Mary Ann blinked him back into focus. Visions like this had a habit of creeping up on her when she least expected them. The hallucinations ambushed her randomly, always just when she thought she had finally gotten over whatever it was she felt for him during their first year on the island. Gilligan would tell her a story about Skinny Mulligan and his girlfriend and Mary Ann would hear him asking her on a date. He'd ask her to pass the salt at dinner and she'd think he proposed. She asked him to repeat himself so many times that he probably thought she was going deaf.
Mary Ann swallowed hard and fought to regain control of herself. "You're going to have to let me up eventually." You don't have to, she thought. Say you don't.
Gilligan shrugged nonchalantly. "No, I don't."
"We can't stay like this forever." Sure, we can.
"It's not that bad."
No, it's not. "Gilligan." He raised his eyebrows and she sighed before he could say a word. "Officer Gilligan," she corrected and he grinned.
"That's right, missy." He resumed his tough law enforcement character. "You broke the law and now you have to pay the price."
"Is this supposed to be my punishment?" she asked incredulously. It's not much of a punishment at all.
Gilligan looked a little embarrassed and turned his head sheepishly. "I'm just trying to figure out how to get from here back to jail without letting you get away."
"I can't decide if you think this is fun or if you're taking it too seriously."
"Both." He let a smile slip out before turning serious. "The Skipper put me in charge. He said to do what's in the book. The book says if you break the law, you go to jail."
"But you wouldn't send me to jail, would you?" Mary Ann gave him her most pitiful pout and stared up at him through big innocent doe-like eyes.
He groaned. "Aw, Mary Ann, don't do that."
"Do what?" She sniffled once for good measure.
"You're trying to make me feel bad. I didn't want to arrest you."
"Then why did you?"
"For aiding and abetting someone who is resisting arrest while violating ordinance thirty-three of the municipal code," he recited.
"You weren't going to arrest Ginger until she laughed at you," Mary Ann reminded him softly. "You were just going to put out the fire."
Gilligan stared down at her, his blue eyes serious. "Mary Ann, the Skipper put me in charge and I'm not going to mess it up. He said go by the book, so I went by the book. No one listens to me when I'm in charge."
"I was listening. I was proud of you. But I'm not going to jail."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I'm not!"
"If I let you go after I already arrested you, Ginger and Mr. Howell will throw a fit!"
"They don't respect me as it is, Mary Ann!"
Gilligan and Mary Ann glared at each other stubbornly until his brow furrowed. He squirmed uncomfortably and she gasped, positive that he was completely oblivious to the fact that he was still straddling her as he did so.
Gilligan frowned. "The book didn't cover Mexican standoffs," he finally admitted.
"I'm not going to jail, Gilligan!"
"What are you going to do, torture me?" Gilligan looked away and shifted uneasily again. If this wasn't torture, she wasn't sure what was. Mary Ann couldn't take it anymore. "Let me up, Gilligan."
"But you'll escape."
She shook her head, collecting more leaves in her hair. "I won't, I promise. Please."
"Gilligan, I can't breathe." In fact, she was breathing rather hard. She almost gasped for air, her chest rising and falling dramatically and pushing into his every time she inhaled. Gilligan immediately looked concerned and tilted his head. His hair tickled her face and he nearly got a good look down her top as he peered down the length of his own body to where he was positioned astride her. His head snapped back up and he gaped at her, realization dawning on him for the first time. Gilligan let go of her wrists and shot straight up, his mouth opening and closing wordlessly. It took him another moment to realize that this wasn't enough and he slid onto the grass beside her.
He was babbling. "I'm sorry, Mary Ann! Are you okay? Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to sit on you. Not for so long, I mean." Mary Ann lay still in the grass for a moment. She slowly pulled her arms down from above her head, stretching them out. "I just had to hold you down. I mean, keep you from getting away. I mean ... you know what I mean." She sat up and Gilligan paused from pulling leaves from her hair and drew his hand back. He watched her stagger to her feet. Gilligan stood and watched her carefully, worry and horror etched across his face. "I'm sorry! Did I squish you?" Mary Ann brushed off her shorts, her hand lingering on her leg where she still felt his hand from her vision. "Please don't run away from me. Are you okay?" Mary Ann pressed her other hand to her forehead.
"Are you okay? Mary Ann..." She heard him approach behind her. "Run away with me." She froze as she felt his hands on her bare sides. They slid around her abdomen until he was hugging her from behind. "We'll go to the other side of the island," he continued, resting his chin on her shoulder and leaning his head against hers. "We'll build our own hut where we can be all alone. We'll go butterfly hunting and vine flying whenever we want. And we can go skinny dipping under the waterfall every day," he whispered this last part in her ear, nuzzling her with his nose, and she giggled. "We'll get married on the raft and eventually there'll be little Gilligans running around." He flattened his palms across her stomach and she laid her hands over his. "Little girls in pigtails and little boys who fall down for no reason. Or little girls who fall down for no reason." He gazed out in front of them, picturing this image among the palm trees. "When we get rescued we'll live in Kansas and ride horses and go to county fairs and get a dog. And if there's a tornado we'll go to the basement and pretend we're being taken to a magical land where scarecrows know how to dance and little girls from Kansas know how to defeat evil. Okay?"
Mary Ann twisted around in his arms, moisture encircling her eyes. "Okay." Mary Ann nodded and folded her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.
"Mary Ann? Uh ... Mary Ann?" Her eyes flew open. She had her arms wrapped firmly around Gilligan's neck, but his arms were hanging awkwardly out at his sides, afraid to touch her.
She blinked. "What?"
"I told you not to run away from me and you said 'okay' and then you hugged me. So ... I guess you're not running away?"
Mary Ann let go of him and backed up, hitting a tree and gripping the bark. "I'm sorry, Gilligan. I've just been ... seeing things."
His eyes widened. "Like unicorns and leprechauns?"
Mary Ann shook her head, but laughed a little despite herself. "No. Forget it, Gilligan. I'm just going to go back to the hut. I need to be alone for a while."
"No, you can't!" Gilligan grabbed her hand as she tried to pass him and pulled her back in front of him. "Mary Ann Summers...," he began earnestly, taking both of her hands in his own. Mary Ann was sure she was starting to hallucinate again, but instead of professing his undying love and devotion and asking her to marry him, he said, for real, "You're still under arrest for obstruction of justice, resisting arrest, aiding and abetting someone who is resisting arrest while violating ordinance thirty-three of the municipal code. And solicitation."
"What?" she yelled, wrenching her hands free.
"I saw you hug the Professor."
"That's not illegal!"
Gilligan pulled a spectacularly disgusted face. "It should be."
"We told you it was just a scene. Why are you so upset about it?"
"Because it's ... because ... he should go to jail, too!" he blurted.
"For whatever the legal word for being a big liar is! Saying all that stuff about liking you over Ginger!" His anger subsided and he suddenly looked very unsure of himself. "He was lying, right?"
"We told you it was just a scene!" Mary Ann insisted, stamping her foot in the grass. "He was acting! Trying to, at least. I don't –." She slowed to a stop as she peered closely at his face. "Gilligan, what's this about?" She took a step toward him and he backed up.
"Nothing! I'm just trying to keep the peace."
"Come to think of it, you looked more shocked at that than you did when Ginger shot him."
Gilligan rolled his eyes. "It was just a scene, Mary Ann."
Mary Ann stepped toward him again. "Gilligan, what's going on?"
"I ... um. I ..." He took another step back and pointed widely at her. He gulped nervously, willing an unrelated thought that would significantly distract her to enter his head. "I should arrest you for indecent exposure, too!"
Mary Ann's jaw dropped. She looked down at her outfit and then back up at him. "Gilligan, you're out of control!"
"The Skipper put me in charge!"
"And you're getting carried away. Do you even know what solicitation is?"
Gilligan stammered for a moment. "I ... Of course I do! I'm an officer of the law." He crossed his skinny arms defiantly across his chest and smugly arched one eyebrow at her.
"You don't know."
"Yes, I do!"
"What is it?"
"It's ... being friendly in public."
Mary Ann barely held back a snort of laughter. "Not quite, Officer."
Gilligan stood up a little straighter. "I bet you don't know what it is either!" He stumbled over this admission and backpedalled. "I mean – I know what it is, but I bet you don't. You shouldn't, anyway, if you're as innocent as you claim." He eyed her suspiciously.
Mary Ann crossed her own arms in a mirror of his stance. "Would you like me to solicit you right here, right now in the middle of the jungle?"
It was Gilligan's turn to scoff. "If you can."
The sentence was barely out of his mouth before he discovered both of her hands on his chest, pushing him backward until he collided with a tree. The rough bark dug into his back through his shirt as she pressed up hard against him. "I ... I'm gonna have to add police brutality to ... to your list of charges," he stammered.
She grabbed the tree trunk behind him. "Go ahead." She slowly rose up onto her toes, her body sliding over his until her lips were at his ear and he shivered. She whispered something to him and his eyes slowly widened.
"That's what it means?" he asked and she nodded. They stared at each other and she felt his hands appear on her hips. "Like the time we found the gold mine and you charged me three thousand dollars for pie?"
Her jaw dropped and he grinned, obviously pleased with his first dirty joke. She burst out laughing and leaned forward until their noses were touching. "This one's on the house," she whispered.
He gulped loudly. "I don't care where it is," he forced out, voice low. "I'm on duty."
After another second, it was as if someone fired a starter pistol and they collided eagerly. His hands were everywhere, moving over her back and sliding into the back pockets of her shorts. He suddenly stepped away from the tree and spun her around. He pushed her roughly against the trunk, fingers gripping the waistband of her shorts. She heard herself whimper pathetically as he took control and pinned her to the tree. The kiss was perfect – noisy and sloppy and hungry and everything a heated, tension-induced kiss should be. She pulled off his hat and flung it away so she could twist her fingers in his hair. She felt one of his hands on her bare midriff, the other sliding up her thigh, and she writhed beneath him, tingling all over. He began moving against her and she clutched his head to her neck. She listened, head back and eyes closed, as he whispered in her ear, his hot breath scorching her skin, murmuring things between kisses that she mostly couldn't understand. "You are, aren't you?"
"What am I?" she breathed.
"Innocent?" his voice replied loudly and Mary Ann jumped, the image in front of her changing again. He was still standing ten feet away, arms crossed smugly, eyeing her with extreme interest.
"I said 'I know what solicitation is, but I bet you don't. You shouldn't if you're as innocent as you claim.' Right? So, how do you plead?" He watched her expectantly. It was a simple enough question – either you're innocent or you're guilty. If you're guilty, you go to jail. "You're innocent –."
"Of course I am!" Mary Ann blurted, panicking. She crossed her arms tightly, tucking her shaking hands against her body. If she had jewelry on it'd be rattling so loudly they'd be able to hear it in New York City. "Isn't everybody?"
Gilligan watched as she turned her back on him and pressed both hands over her face. Something was definitely wrong. "I'm sorry, Mary Ann. Maybe I overdid it a little bit, but you know how I get excited. I just want to do a good job. I was gonna ask you to be my deputy," he said quietly.
Mary Ann sighed. "Gilligan, a deputy can't have a deputy."
Gilligan huffed a little with indignation. "The Skipper put me in charge. When he's gone, I'm the sheriff and a sheriff needs a deputy. I can pick whoever I want. I want you."
Mary Ann froze. This was usually how her hallucinations started – she'd hear him say something like this, something that he'd never say in a million years, but she'd believe it anyway. She turned to look at him; he looked completely guileless as usual. Typically in her daydreams he made the first move. She'd done enough shameless flirting with him over the years. It was his turn now. But he didn't move and neither did she.
"You ... you want me?"
Gilligan shrugged. "Sure. Who else?"
Mary Ann eyed him curiously and stepped tentatively toward him, still unsure of which reality she was currently in.
"Although now that you've got a criminal record, I can't have you on the force."
Mary Ann skidded to a halt. This was real life, alright. "Gilligan!"
"Sorry. You've racked up quite a record for yourself today, young lady." With that, he bent over and in one swift motion had his arm around her legs and picked her up, slinging her over his shoulder.
"Gilligan!" She clutched at his back, her feet kicking the air in front of him. "Gilligan! What are you doing?" She tried to wriggle away and he tightened his arm around her legs.
"Taking you back to jail where you belong." Gilligan started cheerfully down the path, his perp in custody again, his proud bouncing gait jostling her on his shoulder. "And that's Officer Gilligan."
"Mary Ann! Mary Ann! Get the key!" Mary Ann flinched and blinked, refocusing her gaze in front of her. Ginger was clutching the bars of the jail cell, bouncing impatiently on her heels, red hair swinging. Mr. Howell stood beside her, eyebrows drawn together and peering at Mary Ann inquisitively.
Mary Ann looked around in confusion. Ginger and Mr. Howell were still in jail. Gilligan still had his back pushed up against the cell door to keep it closed. His arms were still locked around her middle. She was still held against his chest, her hands still gripping his shoulders.
She had never run away. He had never chased her through the jungle and tackled her. He had never wanted her to be his deputy.
"Get the key, child!" Mr. Howell repeated loudly and she turned back to her imprisoned friends. Mary Ann reached around behind her back and tugged pitifully at the key clenched in Gilligan's fist.
When Mary Ann let go of his shoulders, still looking slightly dazed, Gilligan risked taking one arm from around her to pull the door open slightly. He turned her around and gave her a gentle shove into the cell.
"Gotcha!" he yelled triumphantly, slamming the door shut behind her and quickly turning the key in the lock. Mary Ann stumbled into her friends, who caught her. "You girls put up a good fight, but no one gets one over on Officer Gilligan." He hitched up his imaginary gun belt, tipped his hat and turned to go.
A few steps away he hesitated and looked back. "I'm disappointed in you, Mary Ann. We were supposed to go butterfly hunting and vine flying and swimming under the waterfall today. I wanted you to be my deputy."
He turned to leave again and Mary Ann hurried to the door, grabbing the bars. "Wait! You ... you wanted me?"
Gilligan glanced back and shrugged. "Sure. Who else?"