Summary: Based on the newgameplus prompt: Rastaban/Ildon. Rastaban is certain of Ildon's devotion to him; he is not so certain of his devotion to his cause. Something exploring Ildon's fear that Rastaban has gone mad, but from Rastaban's point of view. Smut not required.
Notes: Spoilers for Saga Frontier. Inspired by Bjork's Bachelorette and yet this fic is set to Mother Heroic, which has nothing to do with the first song or this fic. Must have been the xylophones. That, and the fact that Mother Heroic is quite the tearjerker, imo.
I am darkness in human form. No, not human. I haven't been human in years. No, I've never been human. I am a mystic in crazy form. No. Once I was sane, but I don't know what I am anymore. I thought I died. I thought life seeped out of me in a fountain of blood in the shape of a blade . I did not die. I am a mystic in Rastaban form. I am alone now. Physically alone. Soon Ildon will join me with Asellus and we will rule the world together. I don't know. I am devotion in passion's form.
He is obedience in Ildon form. Ildon is. Ildon is my heart and I am his heart, but I don't know where his mind is. Where is his mind? Asellus has his mind, but does he have hers?
Uncertainty is a form of death to me. To turn away from my cause is to turn away from me. I just don't know. If I know, then my heart can beat again. Perhaps I merely miss his arms around me. Ildon is a dream now, a dream that does as it's told, but it's still a dream. Sometimes I feel his warmth on me, but when I am awake, I feel snowflakes that don't embrace me. I am ropes being tugged in different directions. I am the fire that is prodded and poked until it engulfs my soul. I am tears on the flowers around me. I am the howling wind when no one notices. Ildon will keep me safe, but he is not here. I don't think he will ever be here again.
I am calculation in emotion's form. I push the tides toward me. I test. Tears fall from me when they are not meant to. I hold my knees to my chest, rocking myself back and forth, memories of laughter wrapping around me. We laughed to the sound of ourselves.
Give him back to me. Someone give him back to me. I am a puzzle in Black Knight form. I am Ildon's irritation while I joke at him. I am eternity. We are eternity.
I don't know. I wanted winds to blow through my home. I wanted new leaves to arrive in this kingdom. I wanted new life. I want Ildon. I don't want dreams that do little but tear me to pieces as I shred what little life resides in this realm.
I am not supposed to be a shower of buried sobs. I am not supposed to be sorrow that burns in me. I am supposed to smile at the dawn. I am supposed to laugh while Ildon shakes his head before eventually joining me. I am not supposed to walk in winter with nothing but death around me. I am not supposed to see illusions of the one I hold most dear to me.
Ildon is misunderstanding in lover's form. To hear him say it is nothing new, but the questions he asks are as new as spring. Asellus does not know. I use a bag in griffon's form. The girl I imprisoned will be okay. She is my certainty, but Ildon continues to wonder.
I am not supposed to be this way. I am protection in power's form. Stop asking questions. I will answer soon enough. Just hold me again, don't appear and then disappear like raindrops falling in a pond. I am tired of holding myself. I am tired of looking for solace and finding none. I am tired of the ache deep inside of me.
I wear a necklace of betrayal. Ildon gives it to me. I don't want it. Asellus is a human in mystic form. Both are plans gone awry. Who am I now? A single heartbeat surrounded by nothingness. A soul pushed and pulled apart. I am a fight. I am a sacred song that will rid my world of the tainted. I am a defeat that answers questions with even more questions. I am death in the form of a dream.