title: my sin, my soul.

summary: lolita, light of my fire, fire of my loins. / loosely based on the novel lolita

pairing: jade&dev, jade&beck

author's note: so I was just going to make this about jade losing beck to tori but then, BAM. lolita popped up in my head. so now i'm writing a separate jade-centric for that. it's my challenge to myself - to crack jade west :D. both summary, title and beginning and ending lines belong to Vladimir Nabokov. obviously it's a sort of blurred time frame – and also, it doesn't really match up to the show, but. also, amala means pure by the waaay. omg I love this for some reason uuhwisufhiuahfsd.

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"It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight."

.

there is nothing romantic about their meeting. she is fourteen when they meet in a dirty bar, where sleazy men like to compliment her. they run their hands down her hips and buy her drinks that burn her throat. she meets a handsome man here, let's him run his hands down her hips while she drinks vodka with lime. he touches her gently and whispers that she's beautiful.

she puts her drink down and runs her fingers down his shirt, "don't lie. just fuck me."

and he pushes her against the wall – but he's too gentle and too soft and she slams into him until he cries out.

and it begins like that.

.

he's thirty – and he's young to have a fourteen year old son. he sometimes tells her about him when she tries to fuck him, "his name's beck. he's about your age."

she pushes him back against the stained sheets, "let's cut to the chase. i don't care about your son, and you don't care about my life. let's move on."

they fuck three times – and she'd think it was beautiful if she cared – but really, she can't care about him – even though he calls her beautiful when he's under the sheets and she's panting and screaming.

(she does care – but she can't believe she can be beautiful.)

.

she learns his name a week after they start fucking.

"dev oliver," he whispers under his breath.

his hair is a light sort of brown – so soft that she likes to grab it and pull when he pushes into her – it brushes against her shoulder blade. her heart is racing a bit.

"jade," she says, "but you knew that."

she picks up her stuff to leave – it's not like she really needs to leave (daddy doesn't care much about what she does – not after mommy left.) but sometimes when it gets quiet between them – she starts to fal- she gets really bored.

"wait," he says. he sits up and the sheets fall, and he's quite fit for a man who's almost twice her age. "stay with me."

she looks at him – his eyes are warm and they're begging her to stay. she drops her things, straddles his hips and sits in his lap

if someone saw them– they'd think that was disgusting, but all she can think as he leans in to kiss her is that it is so perfectly right.

(and this scares her, the way he kisses her gently and not harshly – like he likes her more than a fuck buddy

and it's wrong. so very wrong and so very right.)

so she jerks her hips and they're moving inside each other again.

(it can't be anything but lust – she can't let it be anything else but a great fuck.)

.

one night, she sings for him. she's just been accepted to hollywood arts, and she feels special. in a few months, she will be starting high school – singing and dancing – her favorite things to do.

he whispers into her breasts, "you are a songbird." he raises his head and props himself up, "you are too beautiful, jade."

"don't say that," she says sadly, "i don't like to be called beautiful."

.

"where is your son?" she whispers, one night after she had been especially loud.

her limbs are so used to this same dance – and yet – she can't get enough of it. he takes her in his arms – something he never did before and whispered quietly in her ear, "he's with his mom. but he's coming to live with me soon – she's not fit to raise him and she knows it. the judge knows it."

she laughs bitterly, "it's not like you're fit to raise him – you're fucking a fourteen year old."

he turns her to him, trying to look into her eyes even though she won't meet them, "i don't consider it fucking, jade."

"don't you dare say it," she whispers, "this is wrong and you know it."

he laughs sadly, "i know it's wrong – i'm a professor and not to mention, twice your age – but i love you."

she hisses, "i don't love you, and i never will."

she kisses his chest and trails down, but he grabs her wrist, "who are you trying to prove it to?" his voice is so quiet, "me or yourself?"

he fucks her harshly as she looks at him in shock, and when he pulls out, she tries to hold in the tears.

he sees blood on the sheets.

"jade," he whispers, "i am so fucking sorry."

"why?" she asks, brushing the tears away.

she smirks, "i liked it."

he kisses her eyelids shut.

.

dev wins the case and brings home his son – a boy with dark hair and his father's warm eyes.

"beck," dev says softly, "this is jade. she's going to be going to your school. she just dropped by to say hello."

beck shoots her a smug smirk, his eyes dancing with mischief, "i'm beck. fifteen years old."

she laughs, "i'm jade, and you'll never get me."

dev holds back a chuckle and beck looks lost.

and she thinks, he'll never get the punchline.

.

beck flirts with her all the time – but she doesn't see anything in him. he laughs a lot, but it's not his father's laugh that makes jade feel as if she's naked, it's a laugh that chills her and makes her cold.

"you're always at my house," he says one day. "i'd say you're in love with one, mr. oliver."

he may be referring to himself, but he's not that far off.

.

after it gets to be too hard to meet up at his house, dev and her have to meet up at a cheap motel right near her house. he touches her too quickly now, and she's always left wanting more and more and more. some nights they don't even have sex, but rather breathe each others air.

and then one night, she whispers, "i love you, dev."

he looks at her, his eyes so broken and fragmented.

"i think we should stop this, jade. you need to be with someone your own age, and i need to grow up."

she tries to fuck him, tearing his shirt open, ripping it, and clawing his chest. she leaves as many marks as she can, biting and scratching.

his kisses are just little brushes against her lips.

she pulls away and picks up her things, suddenly feeling too young and too old and –

before she closes the door, he whispers, "i love you, jade. i do."

she turns around, "you are a fucking pedophile." and then, she whispers, "i'm going to break your son."

she can hear his sobs.

she laughs, because he can't hear her heart breaking.

.

when she finally says yes to beck, he kisses her smack on the lips.

and all she can think is that dev would've been politer.

so jade glides her teeth on beck, and marks his neck right in the hallway.

she gets a detention, but the next afternoon, when beck brings her home, she can see dev eying the mark. it's so worth it.

jade: one, dev: zero.

.

jade likes to mark beck. leave little tokens for dev. beck will never know that she does it for dev, and she intends for him to never find out.

it's much more interesting like this: with dev's disapproving frown and her cunning smirk.

everyone knows, jade west always wins – even when she's broken up.

.

when jade and beck have sex, they've been dating for three months. they go inside, because the rain is pouring down, and she's only wearing an oversized plaid shirt of beck's. beck tells her to stop giggling while he takes a shower. she walks downstairs and gets water, and sees dev.

dev grabs her wrist and looks at her sadly, "jade, don't do this."

"do what?" she smirks, "fuck your son? because i've already done that."

dev pulls her closer, "look, i know i hurt you, jade. just don't hurt beck."

she looks into his broken eyes and hisses, "i will tell your son what you did to me if you touch me again."

she stalks off, unbuttons the top few buttons on the way to the kitchen before turning back and saying, "he's a much better fuck than you are."

"who are you trying to prove it to?" he says. he walks to his door before whispering –

"who are you trying to become, jade?"

when he closes the door, she whispers, "someone you'd never love."

she walks up the stairs and opens the bathroom door and she and beck have shower sex. she moans loudly even though he tries to make her quiet.

and she knows dev heard. she feels a little better, knowing he's suffering.

.

"my dad's bringing a girl over tonight," beck says. "don't make her cry. he really likes her."

she frowns, "maybe i just shouldn't stay. let it just be you three."

(if she was there, watching dev with another woman, she would die inside.)

"okay," beck says, smiling. "i'll miss you though."

her heart breaks.

(she will never ever love beck the way she loves dev – and that is that.)

.

"i love you," beck breathes against her hair.

she looks at him, her eyes are so lonely and tiny – and she whispers –

"i can't love. not anymore."

(who are you trying to become, jade?)

he holds her fingers, "i'll wait until you can."

she gets up to have sex with him – but she really can't make her limbs do it.

(something tells her, that sex isn't going to help.

it's not going to guarantee anything – and she's learned this lesson a little too late.)

.

beck goes away to visit his mom for a week – and jade goes to dev's house.

she rings the doorbell and dev opens it.

she kisses him.

they move together so unforgettably, like they were fit together – puzzle pieces made up in the sky.

they knock over picture frames that hold pictures of beck. it's ironic, but she doesn't care.

he pushes in – and she can't help but notice how the guilt doesn't even matter. she cries out and kisses him, her lips pleading for his taste and his love forever.

they stare at the ceiling of the living room – his hands intertwined with hers. she feels beautiful for once in her life – and she can hear songbirds humming in her ears and she loves this man – even though they might say that a sixteen year old and a thirty-two year old are disgusting.

"i love you," she whispers.

"i'm getting married," he says.

she kisses him again and leaves.

.

jade west doesn't hate tori vega when she comes – not really.

she just thinks that when tori and beck look at each other – they fit so beautifully... like jade and dev did once.

but her heart hurts at the thought of being alone – of being without a trace of dev.

so she decides, that all she wants, more than anything, is for beck oliver to stay hers.

(and she's cruel and she's sick – don't worry, she tells herself this every day.

this is the reason why she would be so perfect with dev – she is the monster and he is the knight in shining armor.)

.

the day that jade looses beck – it hurts her. she sends the rottweiler and really – it's perfect timing because beck forgives her and dev gets mauled right before the wedding.

she cries and laughs a little at the same time – when she sees him walk down the aisle with a broken arm and a scratch on his face.

beck smiles at her tears, "i never knew you were a sap at weddings."

she laughs as she wipes away her tears, "well you know, there's a lot of things you don't know about me."

he laughs. she stays silent.

and when dev leans in to kiss the bride (his bride – his blushing, beautiful bride), jade gets up and throws up in the nearest bathroom.

.

"why don't you like cindy?" beck asks one night.

jade stares at the ceiling – trying to find some reason other than because she has your dad.

"her name," she says, "it's stupid."

.

beck asks his father what he wants for father's day.

"break up with jade," his father says.

beck laughs.

he will never know the punchline.

.

she meets him again, twenty years later. they see each other in a supermarket.

she is thirty-six and she's grown up and she sometimes sees beck – but they're just friends now. he's fifty-two, and his eyes are still warm and his smile is still there – but his hair is receding.

cindy passed away four years ago in a car accident. beck is with tori vega – of all people.

dev looks at her, his lips twisting into a grin.

jade's daughter, amala, grabs her skirt, her hands filled with ice cream. jade turns away, ushering amala away.

this is how it ends.

.

"he broke my heart. you merely broke my life."