"Remember when you always told me not to be afraid?" Kendall asked the beautiful brunette, his head in the brunette's lap.
The hazel eyed boy gave a small chuckle and nodded his head slowly, "Of course I remember. Why do you ask?" James, the brunette, asked looking down at the blond in his lap, in reply.
"I just wanted to tell you that I'm not afraid anymore. I haven't been. Because of you. You saved me." The two boys stared at each other and shared a sweet smile.
'Why did my grandma have to buy me this stupid journal for my birthday? I'm a seventeen year old boy, not a twelve year old girl. Maybe she got my birthday present mixed up with Katie's so she sent me this on accident. Ugh, it's still stupid. I'm never even going to use this, might as well just give it to Katie.' Kendall thought to himself looking at the journal his grandmother had sent to him for his birthday. The blond rolled his eyes and he threw the black leather bound book onto his bed with the other gifs he had received for his birthday.
"Kendall, bro. It's girl time, are you coming?" A tall brunette asked from Kendall's open door way.
"Not right now, you guys go with out me. I'll meet up with you." The blond replied to his friend, James, with a small smile.
The brunette scoffed with a smirk and commented, "Alright dude, your loss." Kendall gave him a smirk in return.
Kendall didn't feel like going down to the pool to try and pick up chicks. It wasn't that he wasn't exactly in the mood, or that he didn't want to spend time with his friends, he just… didn't much like chicks, and his friends knew that. He found it slightly funny that James has obviously forgotten that fact about sat on his bed and looked down at his thighs.
'Ugh, my thighs are disgusting. It's probably from that cake I had earlier. I'm surprised I don't have cottage cheese thighs. Disgusting. And it doesn't help that I haven't been exercising.' The blond thought, quickly remembering his exercise routine: one hundred jumping jacks, ninety crunches, eighty squats, seventy left lifts, sixty jumping jacks, fifty crunches, forty squats, thirty left lifts, twenty jumping jacks, followed by ten minutes of running. Kendall didn't remember the day he started feeling disgusted about his body, but he remembers that it's been going on for a while. He stood up, lifting his shirt, and poked at his stomach thinking of how flabby it looked. He pinched some skin and wanted to vomit from how fat it looked to him. And that's exactly what he did.
Kendall stuck his head out of his bedroom door to make sure no one was home. When he was sure, he made his way to the bathroom. The blond knelt down by the toilet, grabbed his handy dandy tooth brush, and started purging. 'I'm not yet a winner. I could be thinner. So, I must throw up dinner.' Kendall kept repeating to himself in his head. Kendall didn't make himself purge often, but when he did he made it count. He continued until there was nothing left coming up except for his stomach acid. He sometimes even continued until not even stomach acid would come up and he would be violently dry heaving, thinking that it added extra pounds that he didn't need. The blond flushed the toilet repeatedly making sure everything went down, washed off his toothbrush, and brushed his teeth. He always made sure to brush after purging, since the acids from doing so erodes the teeth. And you can't sing in a boy band with fucked up teeth. He also checked his weight before he left. 120 pounds, thirty pounds less than what he weighed six months ago when his eating disorder began.
'God, could I be any fatter?' Kendall thought to himself. He slammed the bathroom door shut on his way out in anger.
When the blond left the bathroom he went back up to his room to put on his swimming trunks and tank top to join his friends, figuring it was better than sitting in the empty apartment alone.
"Kendall! What took you so long buddy?" An ecstatic looking brunette asked him from a pool side chair when he noticed his friend emerging out of the Palmwoods lobby and into the pool area.
Kendall smiled at his dear friend Logan and took a chair next to him. "I got a call from my uncle and had to talk to him. But fear not, for I am here now. What have I missed?" He asked.
"Well nothing except the usual of course. Carlos has injured himself countless times and James is getting all the ladies." Logan replied with a smirk. Kendall squirmed in his seat when Logan mentioned James, luckily his friend did not notice.
"That really doesn't surprise me." The blond smirked looking at his friends. James was sitting on a bench with a group of girls surrounding him while Carlos was trying to shove his way through the crowd to sit next to his friend., in hopes of being noticed by one of the countless girls.
Logan looked at his blond friend, "Why don't you take your shirt off? It's almost a hundred degrees outside. I'd be dying if I were wearing a shirt."
'I can't just take my shirt off Logan, I'm disgusting. Everyone would be horrified with how grotesque I am.' "Not really that hot, I guess." Kendall replied nonchalantly with a shrug.
James caught Kendall in his peripheral vision and he couldn't help but think of how thin his friend had become over the past few months. He was much thinner than he was when they first moved to L.A., that was for sure. He now seemed to just be skin and bones with barely any muscle definition even though his friend worked out almost everyday. The tall brunette really thought nothing of it, thinking it was just the stress of L.A. and being in Big Time Rush, and went back to talk to all the beautiful girls that surrounded him.
"Kendall, I made cheese cake. Would you like any honey?" Mrs. Knight asked her son from the kitchen.
'It's like she's trying to make me fat.' Kendall thought to himself before answering his mother.
"No thanks Mom, I'm still full from that delicious birthday cake that you made earlier!" He replied from the couch where he was whooping Carlos' butt in a video game. 'That cake was disgusting… Calories that I didn't need to add on to all the fat in my body.' All of his friends were chowing down on Mrs. Knight infamously delicious cheese cake. 'It's not fair that my friends get to eat whatever they want and not have to worry about the consequences. I want to be able to eat what I want and still stay skinny.'
James looked at his friend with a questioning look. "Dude, you seriously cannot still be full from that cake earlier. You had the tiniest slice and it was over five hours ago. And besides, this cheese cake is delicious, you know that. Why don't you have some?" He asked.
'Because it will just make me even more disgusting and fatter than I already am. God, are you people working against me or something?'
"I don't know, I'm just now hungry. I'll probably have some later though." The blond replied to his friend with a smile. 'And then throw it up because I'm weak and have no will power.' The brunette took the answer and shrugged, taking another bite of his cheese cake. James found it weird that Kendall didn't want any of his mom's cheese cake, considering he was normally the one to devour the whole thing in a matter of minutes. He decided he would talk to Kendall about it later, if he remembered that is.
"Oh, bam! Four times in a row! Are you sure you want to keep playing until you win Carlos, that may take aaaallll night." Kendall gloated to his shorter friend with a smirk. Carlos sighed angrily and took a harder grab of his controller.
"You're going down Knight, no matter how long it takes!" Carlos shouted starting another game. Logan looked at his two friends and rolled his eyes. He never much understood how they could get so competitive over a game.
Kendall laughed at Carlos's comment. "Okay, okay. One more game and then I'm going to head up to bed, I'm exhausted." All Carlos did was nod in agreement, getting way too into the game to even care what his friend was actually saying.
After the game finished Kendall handed his controller over to James, told him to keep his winning streak up or there would be consequences, and headed to bed after saying goodnight to everyone and giving his mom a hug and thank you for his birthday party. He was completely exhausted. The past few months the green eyed boy felt like he had no energy in him at all. He barely had enough energy to make it through practicing songs with Gustavo or through school. The blond was also getting blinding headaches, in addition to his exhaustion. Kendall made his way to his bed, which he had cleaned off earlier of his presents, and collapsed. It took him a few minutes to realize that he protruding shoulder blade was resting on the journal his grandmother had given him.
'Ugh, this stupid thing. Well… I don't know… Maybe I could try writing things down in this -No, that's stupid. I'm not a girl.. Then again, I may end up being able to make some awesome songs from the things I write in here. Isn't that how most artists write songs? They keep a journal and write down their feelings and then end up making hit records from it? Or maybe I can write about being fat and gross and how much I eat. Then I can look back the following day and decide how little I need to eat then… Mmm… Let's try this out. I mean, what have I got to lose?' Kendall finally decided to himself, thinking it was worth a shot, after pulling the book from under him and examining it. It was plain black, no designs, no words, perfect. Completely unscathed by anything that would make it imperfect. Completely unlike Kendall.
He grabbed a pen from his bed side table, opened the book, and started a journal entry:
"Day 1 (I guess):
Today was my birthday… I turned seventeen. My gran-gran got me this book. I don't really know what to write, I've never had a journal, because y'know.. I'm not a girl… Anyway- I've decided to write about how disgusting and fat I am. This is basically going to be me writing how disgusted I am with myself and then what I eat in a day. That way I can look back and see how little I have to eat the following day. Here goes. Today was better than most days. I didn't feel as gross as I normally do. Still felt like a disgusting fuck, but not as bad as normally. I only purged once. Not the normal three times, after each meal. Than again, today I only ate a granola bar in the morning and a piece of cake this afternoon. For my birthday and what not. So that means tomorrow I have to eat less than a granola bar and piece of cake. I'm still horrendously fat tho. When I sit down I have so many stomach rolls I could pass for a Pug and my thighs are about the size of tree trunks. I'm like fucking Shamoo the whale. Why do I have to be fat? I've barely eaten in months, why aren't I skinny yet? I just want to be perfect. Like James or Logan or Carlos. They all have perfect bodies. While I sit in my fat corner being the fat friend."
Kendall slammed the book shut, angry at himself. Angry for letting himself go so badly. Angry for not getting his weight under control before it got out of hand, like it is now.
The green eyed boy got himself in bed and went to sleep in the worst mood he had been in in days.