By Julesmonster

Summary: Vampires aren't real, everyone knows that. But if that's true, then why is Kurt suddenly allergic to sunlight and garlic? And why is he almost overwhelmed by the urge to bite Puck?

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: To those of you who made sacrifices after the end of Fight Club to Trina, the goddess of porn, I give my thanks. The garlands of thongs, bouquets of condom balloons and buckets of lube seem to have appeased her. (One reviewer made mention of a goat, but I'm not going to ask how a goat was used in a sacrifice to a porn goddess. Aberforth Dumbledore jokes come to mind, however.) Anyway, Trina listened to our petitions and has blessed me with the return of the Smut Muse. Just so you know, however, the smut doesn't start until chapter 8, so you've got a wait ahead of you.

I want to apologize for the long wait. I had hoped to finish the story last weekend, but it ended up being almost twice the length I originally anticipated. I think it is worth the extra wait, though. As always, the story is completely written as of today and I will post a chapter a day until the entire story has been shared. There are 13 chapters and a short epilogue, so it will take two weeks to post the entire story. As always, I hope you enjoy! Jules

Part One

Vampires aren't real; everyone knows that they are fictional beings that writers came up with to provide their readers with a sexually provocative monster. They were created as metaphors for the evils of sex outside of marriage. They were a figurative chastity belt that frightened girls into keeping their legs together. And then sex became more acceptable with the sexual revolution in the 60's and 70's and suddenly, the vampire became a sympathetic hero rather than a simple bloodsucking monster. The result being a slew of horribly written and implausible books, movies and televisions shows.

Sparkly skin? Really?

At least that was what Kurt Hummel had always believed. And then something happened that changed every single preconception he had about vampires.


"Kurt, I'm serious," Burt Hummel told his son with a frown on his face that Kurt was hard pressed to ignore. "Downtown Chicago is not like home. It's not safe for you to go wandering off by yourself. Especially at night."

"I know dad," Kurt sighed. "Go to your meeting. I'm just going to stay in the hotel room and watch a movie. Okay? Nothing is going to happen."

Burt fiddled with his tie and then Kurt fixed it one more time. "Alright. If I'm going to be any later than 11, I'll call. I left the number for the restaurant and the skybox at the arena."

"Go on dad," Kurt said. "Go impress the investors with your brilliant business plan."

Burt hugged his son. "I wish you were coming with me. You put this thing together. You could explain it a lot better than I can."

Kurt snorted and pushed his dad towards the door. "Like they would listen to a 16, almost 17, year old boy. Go. Just tell them what we practiced and then enjoy the game. At the very least, it's a chance to see a Bulls game."

Burt came back three times to grab something that he had forgotten before making it out the hotel room door for good. Kurt sighed and sat down to watch Twilight while he waited for the dinner he had ordered from room service to arrive. He'd seen the movie a dozen times and he still thought it was totally ridiculous, but he watched for glimpses of the pretty boys that populated the movie. He'd had a crush on Robert Pattinson since he was in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. (Personally, Kurt had thought it was tragic that the hottest boy in that movie was killed off. It was one of the reasons he had since boycotted the Harry Potter films. That and the fact that he was totally pissed at J.K. Rowling for killing off all of his favorite characters in the books. Why would he want to watch them die all over again in the movies?) So, despite the fact that he found the entire subject of vampires and werewolves to be trite and clichéd, Kurt never passed up the opportunity to watch any of the Twilight movies.

Kurt's dinner arrived, and he ate while he watched the movie. When it was all over, Kurt set the tray out in the hall, and went back inside. He flipped through the cable channels for a few but he was just too restless to settle on anything. Suddenly and for seemingly no reason, Kurt was extremely thirsty. He knew that he could get water from the bathroom, but he wanted a soda. He really wanted a soda. It was like the most desperate urge he had ever felt in his life. He had to have a soda.

Without really thinking about what he was doing, Kurt grabbed the second key card and his wallet and headed for the vending machines down at the end of the hall near the stairwell. He didn't even worry about the fact that he was wearing his pajamas or that his hair was probably mussed from leaning up against the headboard while he watched the movie. The only thing Kurt was concerned with was getting to the soda machine.

Kurt turned the corner into the little alcove where the vending machines and ice machine was and didn't even notice the man leaning against the wall with a smirk on his face. Kurt just pulled out his wallet and put a couple bills into the slot and waited for his soda. Once it had been dispensed, Kurt popped the tab and drank down half of the can in one go. His thirst disappeared as fast as it had come and Kurt turned to finally notice the man watching him.


The man was staring at him and it was making Kurt very uncomfortable.

"I've been waiting for you," the man told Kurt in a tone that was casual and relaxed. That easy attitude made what he was saying even creepier than it was already. "I got tired of waiting, so I thought I'd give you a little nudge."

"I don't understand," Kurt said and there was fear in his voice as he slowly tried to back away from the man.

"Of course you don't," he said. In a blink, the man had moved from leaning against the wall to pressing up against Kurt from behind. "You may not understand now, but I promise that you will."

Kurt squirmed trying to get loose from the man's hold, but he was strong and nothing Kurt did made a difference. The fear Kurt felt abruptly ratcheted up a few notches when he felt the man tug his head to the side, exposing his neck. Then there was a sharp pinch at the flesh of his throat and soon there was nothing but blackness.


Kurt woke the next morning with a killer headache and vague memories of a dream.

"You were dead to the world when I got in last night," Burt Hummel told his son from the table by the window. He was drinking a cup of coffee from the room's miniature coffee maker. "I'm surprised you slept this late."

"I must have been more tired than I thought," Kurt said absently as he stretched. "I had the weirdest dreams about vampires."

Burt chuckled. "I told you that watching those vampire movies as much as you do can't be good for you."

Kurt shook his head. "It wasn't like that…" He shook his head again as he realized he couldn't really say what it was like. He remembered, sort of, but more feelings and impressions than actual memories of the dream. "I suppose it doesn't matter. How did the meeting go?"

"They liked the presentation," Burt said with a shrug. "They said they want to have their people go through the numbers before they make any decisions."

"Well, even if it doesn't go through, it's not like we're hard up for money," Kurt said. "I mean the garage is doing great, isn't it?"

"It is," Burt said. "I just thought that with you and Finn heading off to college in a couple years we could really use the extra income expanding the business would give us."

"Well, they haven't said no yet," Kurt said as he wandered over to the coffee maker and poured a cup. "I'm sure that they really do want to have their people double check our numbers before they agree to anything."

Burt nodded and stared into the cup. "You know that things with Carole are getting serious, don't you?"

Kurt took the seat across from his father and smiled. "I do. And I know that Finn and I screwed things up for you guys last spring, but we've really been working to get past all that. We both want you guys to be happy."

Burt smiled at his son. "So you won't be upset if I ask her to marry me?"

Kurt got up and hugged his father. "I think that would be really great! Carole is wonderful and I know you love her, so I say go for it."

Burt smiled gently at Kurt. "Even if it means moving out of our house so that we can all start over together in a new place?"

Kurt was nonplussed for a moment. He'd never really considered the option. They had only ever talked about putting on an addition. Moving would mean leaving behind all the touches that his mom had made to their home, what few were left. Then again, maybe that was one of the reasons that his dad and Carole were considering it. It couldn't be easy moving into the home your lover shared with someone else.

Kurt slowly nodded. "That would be okay. I'd just… There are some things of mom's that I'd want to make sure we brought with us."

"Kiddo, you can keep anything of your mom's that you want," Burt told him and hugged Kurt tight. "No one wants you to give up your memories of her. But I think it might be nice for both of us to have a woman around again. Carole's not trying to replace your mom, but she could be a good friend to you. She knows more about the stuff you like than I ever will."

Kurt gave Burt a watery smile. It was strange but in all the time that Kurt was bitching and moaning about Finn stealing his dad away, he'd never considered that he could actually get a mom out of the deal. He could have someone to shop with and cook with and watch romantic comedies with. And Carole was a lot better with feelings and emotions than Kurt's dad. She might even be able to help him with his problems, too.

"Thanks dad," Kurt said. "I think maybe I should call Carole when we get home and schedule a shopping date."


The ride back to Lima from Chicago took most of the day and was not a pleasant experience for Kurt. He wasn't sure if it was the August heat, a migraine or motion sickness, but Kurt had to make Burt stop several times so that he could vomit along the side of the road. He also insisted that they stopped at every nicely air-conditioned and dimly lit rest area so he could get a break from his discomfort. Dramamine did nothing and neither did the Excedrin migraine pills he kept with him at all times. Burt kept a worried eye on Kurt as he hid under a blanket they kept in the trunk and blasted the air conditioning in the car. Kurt insisted he didn't need a doctor, but Burt was adamant that if Kurt hadn't improved by morning that he was taking Kurt to the ER.

Once back at the Hummel residence in Lima, Kurt fell into bed and slept through the night. In the morning, he was up before the sun and had cooked a full breakfast for himself and Burt. He was filled with energy and enthusiasm. And he had a seemingly insatiable appetite. Whereas before Kurt would only pick at a wholegrain pancake and some fruit, that day he gulped down a huge egg white omelet filled with veggies and cheese, bran toast, six pancakes, and two ham steaks.

"What's the occasion?" Burt asked as he watched Kurt gobble down his meal like a starving man.

Kurt shrugged. "Don't know. I was just really hungry. How's your omelet?"

"It's great," Burt said and he went back to eating the food Kurt had piled on his plate. Despite the fact that it was all organic and healthy, this was the best breakfast Kurt had made in years. "Well, I'm glad to see you're feeling better."

"Yeah," Kurt said with a smile. "No headache, nausea is gone… all in all I feel a thousand times better."

"Does that mean you'll be coming to the garage today?" Burt wondered. "Tim's still out on family leave and we could use the extra set of hands."

"Sure," Kurt agreed. "Just let me go get changed."

Burt cleaned up their breakfast dishes while Kurt got ready and soon they were both headed for Burt's car. It was still early in the day and the heat hadn't gotten bad yet, so when Kurt started to feel queasy and his head began to hurt again as soon as they walked outside, Kurt knew that something was not right. And they hadn't even gotten to the car, so it couldn't be motion sickness.

When Kurt leaned into the bushes and lost all that wonderful food he had just eaten, Burt was right there rubbing his back and making soothing noises. When Kurt had finished, Burt helped him into the car. "We're going to see the doctor and that's final."

Kurt gulped and nodded. He was too sick to argue.


"How can anyone develop a sudden allergy to sunlight?" Kurt muttered to his father as he followed him back to the car a week later. He was now covered from head to toe in light colored clothing and had gloves on his hands and a wide brimmed hat covering his head. The dark glasses on his eyes helped keep the light from giving him a migraine.

After a week of medical tests and personal trial and error attempts to figure out what exactly was causing his illness, they had all come to the startling conclusion that Kurt was allergic to sunlight. It seemed completely unbelievable, and yet, all the evidence proved it to be true. Direct sunlight made Kurt sick and reflected sunlight gave him migraines.

Burt shrugged in response to his son. "I suppose anything is possible. And it's not like you liked being out in the sun much anyway."

"Not liking to bake my skin and not being able to go outside without looking like a mummy are two different things," Kurt said darkly. "This means no football or Cheerios this year and school is going to be loads of fun trying to avoid sitting near the windows."

The ride home was quiet and solemn. It wasn't until they were back home and Kurt had removed the hat and gloves that Kurt sighed and relented. "I'm sorry, Dad. I don't mean to take this out on you. It isn't your fault and I know that there's nothing you can do to help. It's just frustrating."

"It's okay, kiddo," Burt said. "I get that this is tough on you. Just know that I'm going to do what I can to help you. And I will be talking to the school about making accommodations for you. There are things they can do to make things easier for you, like making sure the blinds are working and pulled in the classes you take."

Kurt smiled at his dad. "Thanks. I'm going to start dinner. Anything you want in particular?"

"How about that chicken you do with lemons and garlic?" Burt asked.

"If we have a bottle of white wine, I think that will work," Kurt told him.

Burt went to the living room and found the TV remote before flipping through the channels looking for something to watch. He'd just settled on a rerun of Dirty Jobs when he heard Kurt puking once again. Burt rushed to the kitchen and found him bent over the sink and heaving.

"What is it?" Burt asked.

Kurt was panting and spitting as he said, "The garlic. Get rid of it. Outside. And the garlic powder in the spice drawer."

Burt hurried to get rid of the offending items and by the time he returned from putting them in the garbage outside, Kurt was looking much better, though he was scowling. "This sucks."

"Well, the doctor said that there was the possibility that other allergies have developed, not just the sunlight," Burt reminded him. "It looks like garlic is one of them."

Kurt sighed. "It looks like your garlic chicken will have to be just lemon and white wine. I'll throw in some shallots for a bit of flavor, but it's not going to be the same."

Burt hugged his son. "I'm sure it will be great."