A/N: This is the first one-shot in the Anonymity 'verse! There will be at least two more to come, maybe more, before the sequel will come up in about a month or two. I've got a few projects running right now, so I can't really get it out any faster, but remember, I will forgo sleep and food for feedback. I love love love getting PMs, and if I don't respond it's probably because I read your PM at three in the morning when checking my phone for the eleventy billionth time and dreamed that I had. Anyway, here is: Sexual Education (For the Borderline Asexual), also known by it's working title, Proof that The Talk is Scarier than Torture.
WARNINGS!: For sexual references and Santana giving someone The Talk.
"What do you think the meeting is about?" Harry asked idly, tilting his head so that Kurt could reach his ear with the paintbrush. Kurt squinted at his work, briefly admiring the blue and purple swirls trailing from Harry's forehead to his neck. The flamboyant boy shrugged a little, dipping his paintbrush into the pot of purple.
"I have no idea," he admitted, taking a quick glance around the choir room, wrinkling his nose at the sight of Finn and Rachel cooing at one another from the next seat. Beyond them Sam and Quinn were trading sweet kisses, and beyond them Mike and Tina were checking one another's tonsils. In the far corner Brittany and Santana were getting to second base while Puck and Artie watched with interest and Mercedes shook her head. "It seems weird that Mr Schuester would need us so soon after Sectionals. It's barely been two weeks, we have plenty of time 'til Regionals. And good Gaga, would you look at them all? It's a like a progression of couple...ness."
"From the chaste to the concupiscent ," Harry agreed, smiling sweetly up at Kurt's blush. He glanced to the door with a slight frown. "Mr Schuester did say it was urgent and compulsory, right? So where is he?"
"I think that man is genetically incapable of being on time," Kurt sniffed, reaching down to clean off his brush and grab some glitter. "I'm thinking trailing stars, what about you?"
"Whatever you think works best," Harry felt his cheeks heat up when a distinctly lustful moan left the corner. He carefully kept his eyes forward. "If I hear clothing hit the ground, can we leave?"
"Sure, sweetie," Kurt patted him on the hand, then reached up to hold his chin still. The warmth of Kurt's soft hand on his face made Harry feel flushed and tingly, and he couldn't help but stare into Kurt's focused eyes. That warmth spread into his chest and to his finger tips, and when Kurt leaned close to focus on a star Harry couldn't help but raise a hand to catch Kurt's, pressing a gentle kiss to the back of it. Kurt blushed pink to the tips of his ears, and smiled a wide-eyed smile down at his boyfriend. The glasz-eyed boy glanced around the room then ducked forward, pecking a little kiss to Harry's lips, before rocking back and dipping his paintbrush into the pot of glitter. Neither boy commented on the enormous smile on the other's face.
Mr Schuester finally stomped into the room about then, taking in the love-in with a fierce scowl. He had a paper bag in his arms which he dumped on his desk with a light thump. He glared around the room as most of the kids totally ignored him in favour of making out with (or painting) their significant others.
"Guys," he began, his voice darkly warning. Only Mercedes and Artie turned to face him, and Harry glanced out of the corner of his eyes. The teacher huffed and repeated a little louder. "Guys."
Rachel briefly waved at him, then went back to letting Finn pet her hair. Sam pulled Quinn into his lap and started kissing her ears. Kurt continued to paint stars onto Harry's cheeks. Mr Schuester snapped.
The teenagers jumped in unison, and Kurt quietly cursed as he left a streak of glitter across Harry's cheek. The whole room snapped to attention, Brittany dragging Santana back to the group and Quinn sliding off Sam's lap to straighten her skirt. They looked up at the teacher with wide eyes as he glared furiously down at them, hands on his hips, looking like smoke was about to start pouring out of his ears. When he opened his mouth, the room braced itself.
There was a pause, and confused glances were exchanged amongst the teens. Harry shot Kurt a quizzical look, but only got a bemused shrug in return. Mr Schuester continued, his voice hard and angry.
"Fifteen times in this past week, I have walked into this room to find people making out or more. Twelve of those occasions were on. My. Desk."
There were a few guilty gazes dropping to the floor, and Harry relaxed a little. He and Kurt had never done more than trade a few kisses in greeting in the choir room, so this rage clearly wasn't aimed at them. Mr Schuester went on, his ears turning slowly pink.
"On at least five of those occasions, things were going way past making out. Santana, Brittany, Puck, I'm looking at you."
Brittany looked vaguely ashamed at this, but Santana just rolled her eyes and folded her arms, sinking low in her seat when people turned to look at her. Puck just tried to hide a smirk.
Mr Schuester's glare let up slightly, shifting into a more exasperated, concerned look, "Look, guys, I get that you're teenagers and your hormones are going nuts. And I know you're all expecting me to start lecturing you about how inappropriate it is at school - which it really is, by the way - but what has really horrified me is that none of you seem to be practicing safe sex."
The gleeks started exchanging uncomfortable looks, shifting in their seats and avoiding Mr Schuester's gaze. No one said a word as he continued.
"Now, ignoring the fact that it is totally inappropriate for you guys to have put me in a situation where I could discover this - say, by having sex at school - I have noticed, and frankly, I'm really worried. I know the sex-ed at this school isn't very good, but have none of you ever learned how to stay safe?"
There were protesting murmurs from around the room, and Quinn managed to deadpan, "Contrary to appearances, I do actually know how contraception works."
Mr Schuester shot her a sympathetic look, but continued regardless, "Maybe you all do, maybe you don't, but I'm going to make sure that you all know how to protect yourselves. I've cleared it with your parents, so guys; welcome to sex ed."
The room exploded into protests and shocked exclamations. Mercedes buried her face into her hands and Artie tried to roll out of the room, stopped only by Mr Schuester's foot landing in front of his wheels. Rachel and Quinn both argued abstinence and Finn and Sam just cringed. Harry felt his face heat up and he sunk low in his chair, carefully avoiding anyone's eyes. Kurt was bright red and looked ready to bolt, but the room did quiet when Mr Schuester raised a hand.
"I know this is going to be awkward for all of us, but you need to be safe," he lectured, trying to catch their eyes. "And this will be different than McKinley's regular sex ed - I'll be talking about safety in same sex relationships too, so Kurt, Harry, Brittany, Santana, listen up."
Harry actually raised his head at this, shooting Kurt a nervous look but sitting up a little. This might actually be helpful, then.
Mr Schuester sighed and walked back to his desk. He reached into the paper bag and brought out a small shiny red square. Kurt made a noise in his throat and buried his head in his hands. Harry just frowned, puzzled. What...?
"You all know what this is," Mr Schuester began, and before Harry could correct him he continued, pinning Puck with a scowl. "Puck, I've caught you in here three times with different girls and I have never seen any evidence of you using one of these."
"I don't need to, Mr Schue," the boy with the mohawk protested, making Mercedes look at him in abject horror. "I had a vasectomy his summer, it's not like I can knock them up anymore."
"Sure, but what about sexually transmitted diseases?" Mr Schuester countered, folding his arms. As Harry tried to squint to get a better look at the small square in his hand, the teacher folded his arms and continued. "You don't know what they're carrying, Puck. Do you even know if you're carrying anything? Have you ever been tested?"
"Well, no," Puck admitted, looking a little less confident. "But I couldn't see any, like, sores or whatever-"
"Some diseases can't be seen," Mr Schuester pointed out, looking sympathetic as Quinn shook her head at Puck, a look of horror twisting her pretty face. "Syphilis. Chlamydia. AIDs. All invisible when first contracted. This," he held up the square, and Harry craned his neck to get a better look at it. What the hell is it? "This is the only way to minimise that risk. I've got pamphlets for sexual health clinics here, guys. I'm giving one to everyone, so if you think there is any risk, go. I'll pay for it if you need me to. And for the love of God, use one of these."
"But what is it?" Harry burst out, face turning red when all eyes in the room snapped to look at him. He shrank back in his seat and ducked his head so that his hair fell into his eyes, and he dropped his voice to a mutter. "I mean - I don't know what it is. That thing you're holding."
"It's, uh - it's a condom, Harry," Mr Schuester stammered, looking thrown. The gleeks were looking at Harry incredulously, even Kurt, and he could see the bemused looks being shared. "You, uh. Don't know what a condom is?"
Harry thought about it for a moment, chewing on his thumb nail thoughtfully, "I've heard of them, I think. I know they're... a form of contraception? But I don't - I've never seen one before and... how does it work? I don't get it."
There was a long pause, where all the glee kids turned to face Mr Schuester, staring at him with open curiosity, all clearly wondering how he was going to handle it. The teacher himself looked a little flummoxed, rubbing the side of his face with one hand. Eventually, he took a deep breath and spoke carefully, "Harry, how much sex ed did your old school do?"
"None," Harry shrugged, looking at his feet when he felt the eyes of the room back on him. "I mean, I know how, like, the biological process of conception works but...yeah. No actual sex ed."
Not muggle sex ed, anyway. I know how to brew a Contraception Potion, but I doubt that would be much help here.
"Shit," Santana's eyebrows were raised, and she looked almost impressed. "No wonder you don't get my jokes. I feel like I've been corrupting a choir boy or something."
Harry frowned and tilted his head to the side, "Huh?"
"Just ignore her, sweetie, I do," Kurt patted him on the hand, and Mr Schuester sighed.
"So you don't know how to use a condom?" he confirmed with Harry, looking resigned when Harry blushed and looked down. The teacher looked helplessly at the object in his hand. "Well -"
"Oh, give it here," Santana huffed, jumping up from her seat and striding forward to grab the condom from the teacher's hand. When Mr Schuester shot her a Look, she held up her hands. "Hey, I'm doing you a favour. The faster this is done, the faster we can get out of here, so I'll answer our little asexual friend in the corner's questions - without having to stutter for 20 minutes first - and you just do your little spiel you had prepared, okay?"
Mr Schuester hesitated, narrowing his eyes at her, but the Latina girl just rolled her eyes, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to be able to answer any questions he's got, Mr Schuester."
"She has a point," Quinn added, a hint of venom in her voice. "I'm sure she could teach just about anyone something they didn't know about sex."
Before Santana could retort, Mr Schuester spoke over them, "Thank you for the offer, Santana. Harry, are you comfortable with that? That way I don't need to reiterate things that other people might already know from having had sex ed before."
"Sure," Harry shrugged again, already blushing so hard he figured he couldn't get any redder. "If it will keep things running smoothly."
"Great. Lady face, move your butt," Santana strutted over to Harry, motioning for Kurt to move out of his chair. The flamboyant boy huffed but obeyed, shooting Harry a sympathetic smile before moving across the room to sit with Mercedes. Santana dropped into the empty seat and held up the little red package so Harry could see it. "Okay, Midget, condoms 101. This is the wrapper. You open it."
She tore at one of the edges, revealing a strange, sticky, clear lump inside. She dropped the wrapper on the floor and pulled out the lump, stretching it between her hands. It looked like a slippery plastic tube-
"Oh," Harry tried not to sound as embarrassed as he felt. "Right. I think I can guess how that works."
"It's pretty self explanatory if you know how a dick works," Santana agreed, and she put the condom into the plastic bag Mr Schuester offered her and wiped the stickiness off on the bottom of her chair.
Harry nodded, but ventured to ask, "Why was it sticky?"
Santana tossed her hair over her shoulder and folded her arms again, utterly unflustered even as Mr Schuester started to blush, "It's lube, choir boy. You know, lubricant? Makes sticking it in easier."
"I see," Harry forced himself not to stutter. You faced actual torture without giving an inch, Potter. You're not going to stammer just because you're embarrassed. "Clever."
"Ain't it just," Santana waved a regal hand at Mr Schuester. "Continue."
"Right," Mr Schuester stared at her a moment longer, before turning back to the group. "Right. What was I saying?"
"You were saying that I might have AIDs," Puck informed him flatly, his arms crossed over his chest. Mr Schuester cringed.
"It's not likely, Puck. There aren't a lot of instances of it in Ohio," he assured the boy. "And I assume that you used condoms before this summer?"
Quinn sighed in relief at Puck's nod, and Mr Schuester shot her a small smile, "But there is still a chance, and it's one of the reason you need to be careful. Condoms should be a must for any form of penetrative sex, vaginal, oral, or anal."
"Um, what?" Harry muttered to Santana, who glanced at him with bored eyes. "Vaginal I can get, but oral? Anal? I don't understand."
"Oh my God, are you serious?" the Latina girl looked at him with wide, incredulous eyes, but before Mr Schuester could try and take over she huffed and explained. "Oral is when you put your mouth on your partners dick or vag and use your tongue, and anal is when you take it or stick it up the ass. Everyone does oral, and anal is how gays do it since there's no vagina to fuck. Were you raised in a convent?"
Wait, what? I put my mouth - and in - holy shit, what the fuck, I have no idea how the hell that works! If I'm dating Kurt, shouldn't I know that? But why...
Shaking himself out of his thoughts (which were rapidly becoming hysterical) Harry looked at her with wide eyes, "I don't understand why anyone would do either of those things."
"Because it feels good, dumbass, same reason anyone has sex of any kind," she rolled her eyes, totally ignoring the fact that the rest of the club was listening with mortified curiosity to Santana fill in the gaps of Harry's education. Harry couldn't help but duck his head in embarrassment, particularly when he saw how red faced and uncomfortable Kurt looked. Merlin, he must think I'm a child. I shouldn't have said anything and just asked Remus later, he promised to tell me if I wanted to know.
The Latina girl shot Mr Schuester an impatient look when she saw him staring at her in horror. "Hey, I got a question Mr Schuester; how the hell are me and Brittany meant to use a condom? We're not exactly equipped for one."
"That's a good question, Santana," Mr Schuester looked relieved, and he reached back into the paper bag to grab something else. He came back with what looked like a plastic sheet, and he held it up so everyone could see it. "This is called a dental dam. It's the equivalent to a condom for any and all oral sex with females. That goes for you too, guys. If you're... giving oral sex to a girl, use one of these."
Harry tried not to let out a terrified whimper. Oh Merlin, why is this so freaking complicated? Different equipment for different sexes - which I guess makes sense, but still, that's a lot to remember! Why does anyone bother? What's so great about sex?
"Where did you get that?" Santana raised an eyebrow as Mr Schuester handed the sheet to Rachel and pointed to the instructions on the side of the wrapper. "I looked all over town for those. None of the pharmacies had them."
"Neither did any of the dentists," Brittany piped up in her usual monotone, looking at the instructions over Rachel's shoulder. "Or any of the dams. I checked."
"They're not easy to find, it's true. The only place in Lima I found them was an adult store, which obviously you guys can't go into," Mr Schuester looked a little sheepish at his admittance, but he quickly went on to add. "I bought three packets, however, which I planned to give to you guys so you're able to practice safe sex."
"Do we have to use them every time?" Brittany sounded forlorn, looking at Santana across the room with sad eyes. "I like the way Santana-"
"If you're in a monogamous relationship," Mr Schuester interrupted, saving the group from whatever Brittany was about to say. "Where you trust your partner not to cheat on you and you've already been tested for STDs, then you can discuss not using them, but only then, Brittany. Have you ever been tested for an STD?"
She frowned thoughtfully, "I've had, like, pap smears done and stuff. Does that count?"
"Better to get a proper check done just in case," Mr Schuester looked eager to move on, but Harry leaned over to Santana.
"What's a pa-"
"A girl thing that you don't need to know about," she interrupted without looking, so he shrugged and moved back. One less thing to remember, I suppose.
The teacher sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "So we know about condoms and dental dams, and why we have to use them, right?"
There was a collective murmur of assent, and Harry nodded with the rest. I still don't understand why anyone wants to do these things, but sure.
"Okay, good," Mr Schuester let out a relieved breath and reached back into the bag. Harry cringed in fear, wondering what instrument of torture he was going to bring out next, when something occurred to the wizard and he leant back to Santana.
"Hey, Santana, what's an adult shop?"
She sighed but answered plainly, "It's a shop that sells sex aids, sex toys, and porn."
"Oh," Harry thought for a few moments, tossing up between curiosity and mortification. Well, if it means I don't have to ask Remus later... "Sex toys?"
"You know, dildos, vibrators, fleshlights, handcuffs," she listed, smirking a little as Mr Schuester grimaced and most of the club blushed and lowered their eyes. Harry just stared at her blankly.
"What do hand cuffs have to do with sex?" Harry's voice was faint and confused, and he knew his eyes were as wide as saucers. "And what are - I'm so confused."
"You probably don't need to know all that right now," Mr Schuester interrupted, looking a little sympathetic at Harry's lost expression. Santana leant over anyway when the teacher turned back around, whispering some quick explanations before Mr Schuester could stop her.
"Dildos are fake dicks, vibrators are dildos that vibrate, fleshlights are fake vags, and hand cuffs make things fun," she smirked as Harry continued to look at her blankly. "Have I blown your mind yet?"
Harry nodded, his mind having long since gotten stuck on what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. Santana laughed a little, not unkindly.
"Don't worry about it too much, Midget. You're dating the Ice Queen of McKinley, you're never getting laid."
"Good," Harry managed, then frowned. "And don't call Kurt a queen."
"I'm just saying, if you want to see a dildo I would check his bedside drawer-"
"Thank you, Santana, but I think that's enough," Mr Schuester interrupted again, his hands full of pamphlets in bundles. Kurt was fuming across the other side of the room, blushing pink but glaring fiercely at Santana.
"Actually, Harry, my room is devoid of sex toys. If you want to see one you'll have to ask Santana to see one of the thousand she has on her shrine," Kurt snarked. The Latina girl whirled around, retort on her tongue, but Mr Schuester stepped between them, using a pamphlet that read 'So Your Privates are Burning' to cut off their eye contact.
"Enough, guys," he looked at them both warningly until they both sunk back in their seats with matching pouts. The teacher sighed. "Okay."
He held up a bundle of pamphlets to show them, looking a little pink-cheeked as he continued, "I've made a bundle of pamphlets for everyone, with whatever I thought might be helpful. They're personalised - the boys probably don't need information on gynaecology - but if there are any areas that are lacking, just let me know."
Kurt raised his hand, "Do mine have any information on girls? Because that's probably not relevant."
"No, Kurt, yours are purely about - relevant issues," Mr Schuester's face went redder. Puck smirked at both the teacher and the student's blushes.
"You mean he's only got stuff about gay sex? Did you do that for all of us?" he cheerfully accepted his bundle, flicking through them idly. Mr Schuester nodded.
"Yes, I did. You're all different, you need different information. I mean, I think it's unlikely that Finn is ever going to need Kurt's pamphlets, or visa versa. Although," Mr Schuester paused halfway through handing a bundle to Rachel, who impatiently tugged it out of his hands and started rifling through them. "I guess I shouldn't have made assumptions like that-"
"I think that was a pretty safe assumption," Kurt deadpanned, wrinkling his nose as he looked at Mercedes' pamphlets over her shoulder. "Unless there is something Finn isn't telling me."
"No," the taller boy bit out quickly, his face flushing when Puck started snickering. "There is so, so not. I am not even a little gay. Promise. Please don't give me those pamphlets."
"I didn't mean you specifically, Finn," Mr Schuester soothed, quickly dropping the last few bundles into peoples' laps, wincing sympathetically when Harry stared at his like it was going to bite him. "I just meant I shouldn't have assumed that everyone might not want or need to know about... certain things."
"I agree, Mr Schuester," Rachel was still flicking through her pamphlets with the same focus she usually gave sheet music, her voice disapproving. "You haven't included anything about sexual intercourse between women in my package. What if I had a sexuality crises or decided I was bisexual? I would be totally uneducated."
"You could always ask Santana," Quinn noted, her voice sweet even as she shot Santana a slightly mean smirk. "She being the font of knowledge that she is."
"Or you could Google it," Artie added, looking with interested eyes at a pamphlet with a boy in a wheelchair on the front entitled, 'I Still Work Everywhere that Counts'. At Rachel's considering nod, Mr Schuester interjected.
"But the information you find online isn't necessarily accurate. There's a lot of misinformation online, and that's why I wanted you to have these," He nodded to the pamphlets, reaching into the bag to bring out a stack more. "You're right, Rachel. I apologise. I'll leave these on the table, so you can grab any that you feel might be relevant to you."
"Harry, are you okay?" Mercedes called over the room, eyeing his terrified expression with concern. The wizard glanced up at her, wide eyed and pale faced. He was leaning back in his chair so hard he was pushing on the plastic, and his pamphlets sat untouched on his lap. Santana leaned over curiously, tilting her head to see what he was seeing. She started laughing.
"Mr Schue, maybe - since Harry is an innocent delicate little flower who knows as much about sex as nuclear physics - you shouldn't have put those on his lap diagram of preparation for anal sex side up?"
Mr Schuester blanched as stifled chuckles swept across the room. Kurt jumped out of his seat and strode across the room, grabbing Harry's pamphlets off his laps and putting a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"Okay there, sweetie?" he asked sympathetically, crouching down so he was closer to Harry's eye level. Harry just looked at him with horror.
"I have no idea why anyone would want any of this," the wizard informed his boyfriend faintly, sagging a little in his chair now that the offending objects were off his lap. "I - I just - why?"
"Because it feels good, I guess? But don't worry," Kurt squeezed his shoulder, standing up and pulling Harry to his feet so he could take his seat and pull the smaller boy into his lap. He traced some of the dried paint on Harry's face with a soft fingertip tenderly, smiling when Harry leaned into the touch. "I don't have any interest in any more than kissing right now either. This is all way down the track, as far as I'm concerned."
"It's so complicated," Harry muttered, leaning back against Kurt's chest gratefully as his familiar arms settled around him. The room had dissolved into conversations about the pamphlets, with Santana going over to Brittany to turn her bundle up the right way and end the girl's confusion and Rachel pulling out a sheet of paper to take notes. "It's all so complicated."
"Don't worry about it, sweetheart," Kurt crooned, kissing Harry on the cheek and smiling at the dazed look he got in return. "At least now you know, right? Imagine if this hadn't happened and a few months from now I'd tried to take it further or something. So awkward. Would you like me to check your pamphlets for anything too graphic?"
"No," Harry sighed, beginning to calm down. His mind was still repeating what the actual fuck over and over, but it was quieter now. He still didn't really understand sex or why anyone would want it, but maybe he would as his relationship with Kurt progressed? He sighed. "You must think I am the biggest virgin to ever be a virgin."
"Mostly I'm just glad that I'm not the sexually oblivious one in the relationship," Kurt admitted, tucking his chin on Harry's shoulder. "I always thought I would be. I'm such a prude, Santana wasn't wrong when she called me an Ice Queen. I just have no interest in sex right now. I'm totally content with just cuddles and make outs."
"Oh. Good," Harry tilted his head so he could catch Kurt's eye, blushing a little but smiling. "Because cuddles and make outs are pretty awesome. Even for the borderline asexual."