title: you've just got to remember
summary: purple dress, brown eyes, lightest blue: it was never real. / story time is over, kids.
author's note: here we go, a story I actually like. LOL I CAN'T END THINGS WELL BECAUSE NOTHING IN MY LIFE ENDS.
there's no beginning.
a girl in a purple dress dances her heart out with the crowd – but that never happened – and he didn't kiss her behind the house – his hands roaming far too low for it to be innocent.
it never happened and she will never forget it – but it didn't happen and it wasn't her first time because it was never real.
that's what she tells herself at least – but sometimes, she's off day-dreaming and she can vividly remember the pain between her thighs – tears soaking her cheeks.
she knows it isn't real – so she stops day dreaming.
she's sitting on the couch one day – looking at a magazine but not really looking at it – and her mother comes in.
"why are you crying, darling?" her mother says worriedly.
she touches her cheeks to find tears –
"i'm not crying, mom. i have no reason to cry."
is she forgetting something or is she remembering something?
(what's happening to her?)
he takes her hand one day – leads her to a janitor's closet where he spreads his hands across her cheeks.
"you are beautiful, tori. you are so unbelievably beautiful."
she pushes him away – and she's grinning but she feels tears rushing down –
"why are you touching me like that?"
he looks at her.
"i just wanted to let you know."
she turns to leave, but he spins her around and kisses her and she can feel his familiar taste – how does she know his taste?
he pulls away, "are you okay, tori?"
she is looking at a mop, her mouth moving without any words coming out – "what is happening?"
he looks at her, opens the door, and leaves.
she begins to cry – but she can't remember why – and – and
whatever this is, it's killing her.
she's at her house, and cat's painting her nails – the lightest of blue – she doesn't know why it's making her sad – she just knows it's a pretty color.
"it's so weird to think that beck and jade aren't together anymore," cat says.
tori looks at her friend – "what are you talking about?"
cat frowns, "they broke up six months ago."
tori can't remember this – she can't remember anything but the lightest of blue and the bright lights and - STOP.
story time is over, kids.
"cat, i'm not feeling well. can you come back tomorrow or something?"
cat smiles, but looks worried, "yeah. i'll see you tomorrow."
as she goes out the door, cat points to tori's nails, "just don't smudge them!"
when she hears cat pull out of the driveway, she scrapes off the wet nail polish.
something is missing. she can't think of what it is – but something is missing.
cat comes the next day and clucks her tongue when she sees tori's toenails. "i told you not to smudge them."
tori nods absentmindedly, "i'm sorry, cat."
cat smiles wide, "we're going to a party. beck's throwing it at his house."
tori climbs onto her bed and pulls a blanket over her. she's so cold – suddenly. her teeth chatter. cat looks through tori's closet, "what do you want to wear, tor?"
tori shrugs, "anything. you choose."
cat pulls out a purple dress – one that has pretty beads on it and shimmers in the light – it makes tori scream.
"not that one," tori hisses, "i don't want to wear that one."
cat looks at her friend with fear, "tori – what's wrong? you've been acting so strangely..."
tori sighs, "look cat – just find me a different one."
cat nods, looking suspicious, and then pulls out a pretty black dress – "here," cat says, "or do you not want to wear this one either?"
tori looks at the dress for a moment, black as night, and she nods, "i'll wear it."
black dress, purple dress.
they scare her.
they arrive at the party and tori's shaking a little in her heels – six inches, baby.
the music is blasting and there are traces of white powder on the floor – she knows that it's a bad thing – but she's wondering why she's so interested in it.
cat gets them two cups of warm beer in red, plastic cups, and tori drains hers.
"want to dance?" cat asks her.
tori nods and dances to the beat – her hips shaking and her hair swinging back and forth. she can feel the music running through her toes and her veins – like she's on some sort of drug that makes her happy again – but... she was never sad.
she goes to the bathroom to fix her makeup and sees a girl in a black dress. tori runs away for a reason she's not sure of – runs straight into a chest. a familiar chest, in fact. familiar in a way that she doesn't quite understand.
she feels arms wrapping around her waist – it's all too familiar and she turns around and sees brown –
brown eyes, white powder, the lightest of blue, black, a purple dress, a flash of light –
she passes out against his chest.
remember tori, you've just got to remember.
"tori! wake up, please?"
there is white powder on the floor, white as snow – she remembers being little and falling into the snow. her daddy threw her into the giant pile of snow and then it turned red – red as blood – blood dripping from her head.
but that never happened and why are her memories changing? why is it that colors are hurting her?
"what is wrong with me?" she whispers.
she looks at her hands – red handed. blood falls onto white.
she passes out again.
she pushes open a door – and finds a girl wearing a black dress holding a straw as she makes out white powder – can't miss the goodness.
the girl turns, her light blue eyes sparkling with rage, her nose dusted with white – "vega, you've got a lot of nerve–"
tori screams, runs away.
this is all a dream – this never happened – or did it?
beck is sitting by her bed.
his eyes are closed as he dozes, his face is dusty with prickles – he used to joke that he wanted a beard – but she doesn't remember it that well.
she traces the wires that are attached to her – something about this room reminds her of something – something important.
she counts the spots on the ceiling – gets to four hundred and thirty three – before beck wakes up.
when he sees her open eyes, he blinks a moment before he gets up.
"tori," he whispers, "i'm so glad you're okay."
her eyes filled with tears, "why are you... why are you here? with me?"
"once upon a time," he laughed bitterly, "there was a party. there was white powder on the floors and clear liquid filled people's glasses. you and i had sex in my backyard – and it was special, tori. i really thought you and i... i thought we could be something, you know?"
"i can't remember. i can't remember this, beck."
he whispers, "you – you won't ever remember."
she is crying – she doesn't know why.
once upon a time, a girl sat in a hospital – but it wasn't tori vega. it was a girl named jade west – a girl with light blue eyes and a black dress with white powder.
blood dripped down her face.
but tori vega wouldn't remember this – it would end up that tori vega wouldn't remember a lot of things.
tori vega, she remembers one thing, the blood coursing down a pretty girl's face – she can't remember her name anymore. she thinks the name may be important, but she doesn't tell the doctors and the therapists and the neurologists about this one memory – because she wants to save it, just in case.
she wishes she remembers the boy who comes into her room, every day except for saturday – but she can't seem to place his face.
but really, tori vega doesn't remember anything anymore, really.