"Cas has to be stopped," Sam said as soon as the car door shut behind the angel in question. He watched as Cas followed Dean into their hotel room before turning to the fourth member of their team.
"Aw Sammy, I thought you were okay with our brothers doing filthy unspeakable things to each other."
Sam rolled his eyes at the trickster-slash-archangel with an annoyed huff. "And I thought we agreed to never mention that again. Besides, it's not that and you know it."
Ever since Dean and Castiel had finally acted on all the sexual tension they'd been generating, and, to no one's surprise but Deans, had admitted they were in love. Cas had been determined to find happiness for their companions as well.
A nice thought, but it amounted to Cas trying to set him, and occasionally Gabriel, up on increasingly inappropriate dates.
"It's not so bad, kiddo. I thought those vampire-obsessed twins at the diner were kind of sweet on you." Even Gabriel wasn't so crass as to point out the blood drinking in common thing for which Sam was silently grateful.
Sam shuddered. "Do I look like I'm up for an incestuous threesome? Don't answer that."
"Way to kill a man's dream, Samuel." Gabriel's sly expression fell into a pout, and Sam rolled his eyes.
"The point is - we have to do something."
"We?" Gabriel was still pouting. "How is any of this my problem?"
"Don't act like you're immune. I heard Cas speculating about how you'd get along with Becky or Chuck. And yesterday he asked me if I thought Michael could be made to see reason by the power of love. I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking about me."
Now it was Gabriel's turn to shudder. His look of horror would have been funny if Sam wasn't too busy being horrified himself. In that same conversation Cas had been asking him for his thoughts on succubae. "You're right," Gabriel announced. "He has to be stopped. Want me to teach him one of my lessons? Sign him up for Trickster speed dating?"
"No!" Sam gave him a disappointed look (which was not a bitch face no matter what Dean said). "I just want him to back off."
"I can't believe I'm going to suggest this, but did you try telling him you're not interested?"
Sam sighed. "Yeah. But he was so disappointed, he got this face..."
Apparently Gabriel was familiar with the face. "Ah, my baby brother's most powerful weapon. You should see it in his true form. Did you talk to Dean?"
Sam snorted. "Yeah. He said I should stop being such a pussy and that it was my problem. Then he made me promise not to upset Cas."
"Whipped," Gabriel commented mildly. "There's only one thing to do." Sam turned to Gabriel hopefully. "We'll have to convince Castiel that we're together."
Sam's eyes opened wide in alarm. "That's a terrible idea."
"You got a better one?"
"Yeah, I'm going to take a second look at those the Goth twins."
Sam felt bad when Gabriel actually looked hurt by that. "Fine, I was only trying to help. I just tell him to back off and concentrate on you. I'm not the one concerned with protecting Castiel's feelings."
Sam knew that was a lie. He had a funny way of showing it, but Gabriel cared deeply for his brother. Sam sighed again, already regretting what he was about to say. "Fine. Let's do it."
Gabriel bounced happily in his seat. "Come on then. Let's go tell them our brothers that you're my love muffin.'
"Now?" Sam asked, alarmed.
"No time like the present."
"If Dean believes this, he's gonna flip," Sam muttered to himself as he climbed out of the Impala.
Gabriel's grin was wide and wicked. "Bonus."
Unfortunately for Gabriel, Dean didn't believe them for a minute. Fortunately for them both, he didn't do anything to stop them from convincing Cas.
Sam had the grace to look apologetic. "Sorry we didn't tell you sooner, Cas."
Gabriel looked less sympathetic when he added, "We didn't want to take the spotlight from your epic and tragic love affair with Dean-o over there."
"Hey," Dean objected indignantly from where he was reclining on the far bed.
Cas drew himself up straight and tall and Sam had the impression that he'd like nothing more than to unfurl his wings in a display of aggression that would tear down the very walls around them. "Dean and my love is not tragic," he growled at his brother, eyes literally flashing, reminding Sam that Cas was something more than human and more dangerous than anything they'd ever faced, whom they were very lucky to have on their side.
"You tell him, baby," Dean said encouragingly, holding up a fist in solidarity.
Gabriel, being both more and less human than Cas, was unimpressed, but Sam preferred to stay out of brotherly spats involving Angels of the Lord whenever possible. "No, of course not," Sam hastily agreed with Cas, cutting off whatever Gabriel may have been thinking about saying. "It only would have been tragic if Dean had never gotten his head out of his butt and you'd stayed apart."
"What is this? Pick on Dean day?" Dean grumbled as he picked up a magazine, clearly done with this conversation. "You'd think there'd have been a memo."
It had the desired affect on Cas however. His shoulders relaxed and he sent Sam a small smile that was full of affection. Gabriel, either oblivious to or (more likely) unconcerned with the emotional byplay in the room said cheerfully, "Anyway, we just wanted you to know that Sam's butt is mine, and you should stop trying to pimp it out." And he smacked Sam's butt none-too-gently for emphasis.
Sam jumped and forced a grin. He must have been less than successful at looking happy with the situation because across the room Dean's face was doing something complicated halfway between laughter and disgust. But Cas seemed satisfied, looking pleased with Gabriel's show of possession.
"Gabe, sweetie," Sam said through clenched teeth as Gabriel's hand found its way back to his butt to rub soothing circles. "Let's not freak our brothers out with too much PDA."
"I do not mind. Your happiness in each other brings me great joy." Cas's sincerity might have been hilarious if it was not at Sam's expense.
Dean stifled a laugh behind his magazine and Sam looked at his big brother with pleading in his eyes. Dean smirked and shook his head, forcing Sam to pull out the his puppy dog eyes. This time Dean rolled his eyes but said, "Whoa, not too much happiness in each other. I do not need to see that."
Gabriel leaned back slightly, hand still attached to Sam, to watch his hand mapping out the curves of Sam's backside. "Don't worry. I'm not fondling: I'm trying to pick out the best spot to leave my claim." He looked up and pointedly met Dean's eyes. "The shoulder is such a boring spot don't you think?"
Sam quickly turned to face his brother as well. He'd suspected the handprint on Dean's shoulder was more than a result of his resurrection, but to have Gabriel throw it out there...
Dean met the trickster's gaze evenly and smiled mildly. "It does have the advantage of being visible." The 'to others and myself' were left unspoken but the implication was clear from the way Cas automatically turned to focus on the spot like he could see it through the layers covering it. Which, yeah, he probably could, Sam decided.
"Good point." Gabriel nodded and backed away from Sam to survey the whole of him. Sam kind of missed the warmth of Gabriel's hand on him and scowled at the archangel for making him feel that way. This was definitely not part of the plan. Gabriel smirked knowingly - which made Sam hate him even more - before continuing his musings. "Somewhere on the face would be more visible..."
Dean snorted. "It's not like you could make that ugly mug any worse."
Sam gave him a mild bitch face. Dean ignored him, but Cas's soft 'Dean' of reproach did make his brother at least pretend to be contrite.
Gabriel continued to ignore them all. "There's something sexy about a hip." And he stepped forward to place his hand on Sam's hips as he spoke. "Of course then I might have to smite anyone who got close enough to see it."
Sam thought he heard Cas's deep voice rumble a response to that, but he couldn't make out the words over the sound of blood rushing in his ears. He found himself caught in the playful promise of the archangel's eyes, staring at him intently, wondering if this was how Dean felt when he and Cas had their epic staring matches. Not for the first time Sam worried that this might have been a very, very bad idea.
Dimly he was aware of Dean clearing his throat and shepherding Cas out the door saying, "Let's get another room before all the eye fucking becomes real fucking."
When the door shut behind their brothers, Sam broke their gaze, looking up and away. "I hated lying to Cas. He seemed so happy for us."
"Then let's make it the truth." And Gabriel caught Sam's chin and pulled him down for the kind of kiss that could leave marks on your soul.
"Cas," Dean said as the door to their new room swung shut behind them. "You know they're lying, right?"
Cas cocked his head at Dean curiously. "How so?"
Dean sighed. "They're faking being together so you'll stop setting them up with every Tom, Dick, and Harrietta we meet."
Cas squinted at him. "Who says that was not my intention all along?"
Dean, startled, laughed and pulled the angel in for a kiss. "I love you, you sneaky bastard," he said, impressed.
Cas's answering smile was pleased. "I love you as well, Dean."
"So, do you think Sam'll wake up with a handprint on his hip?" he asked, absentmindedly removing Cas's coat and tie.
"It is unlikely Gabriel will be able to control himself long enough to choose a spot should the need to claim arise." Cas's hands were busy divesting Dean of his clothing as he answered.
Dean thought about that and what it meant for the mark on his own shoulder. "Awesome."
"Either way, I believe we should stop discussing our brothers and take advantage of their absence."
"Cas," Dean said, pulling the angel down onto the bed with him, "I like the way you think."