A/N: Welcome to the first installment of my sequel to The Malevolent Dr. Maestro. Since Kim and Ron's angel/devil personae proved to be quite a hit, I've taken campy's excellent suggestion and placed them into a parody of Mozart's comic opera, Cosi fan tutte (sometimes translated as Women Are Like That, or, The School for Lovers). Just a small disclaimer: Cosi fan tutte was considered quite risqué at the time, and to our 21st century sensibilities, rather sexist. So just remember that this is a parody (PA-RO-DY! as Shego would exclaim), and I'll also try to keep things down to T rating. So sit back with your favorite brand of catnip and enjoy this little romp … er, story.
Standard disclaimers apply: Kim Possible is owned by Disney, Cosi fan tutte is in the public domain, and I make nothing off of this except the joy of writing. And leave a review, get a reply.
"Well, Kim, the big day is almost here."
With a big grin, Ron Stoppable looked at his fiancée from across the lunch table in Smarty Mart's break room. After becoming high-school sweethearts nearly five years before, they had survived the challenges of balancing work, college, and the even the occasional world-saving sitch. And now, their wedding day was merely weeks away.
With a smile of anticipation, she replied, "Yes it is. Getting nervous yet?"
He waved his hand dismissively. "What, after all the missions we've been on? This'll be a piece of cake in comparison, KP!"
Kim observed, "Yeah, but it'll be wedding cake this time, Ron."
She then gave him a sly look. "And it sounds to me like you're not taking this quite seriously enough, Mr. Stoppable. This is for keeps, you know. No second thoughts? No cold feet?"
He returned her look with one of his own. "Not any more, KP. I had a nice long talk with Mr. Barkin on the phone the other night about how I was feeling, and …"
Kim's jaw dropped. "What? I thought he had encrypted his phone with the latest military technology in order to prevent you from calling him! He even reactivated his enlistment in the army reserve to do just that!"
Ron replied with a slightly smug look on his face. "Yeah, but it turns out that Wade developed that technology for the army in the first place, so, no big, as you say."
Kim simply laughed, "Poor Mr. Barkin. Still working at both Middleton High and Smarty Mart, and now you're his supervisor here. You've come a long way from your days as the Mad Dog mascot, Ron."
A curious look came over her face. "Just one request though."
Ron immediately looked concerned. "Sure. Just name it, KP."
"Please, no Mad Dog mask or mouth foam on our wedding night? I know your particular brand of humor, and I love you, uh, even in spite of that sometimes. But we've waited a long time, and I want our first time to be special."
Relieved, he easily replied, "I promise, KP. But even though we've waited, that doesn't mean that you've never, uh, thought about it, right?"
Kim offered a weak smile as her face broke out in a ferocious blush.
Ron grinned back with a pleased look. "Yeah, I thought so. Ah booyah…"
At that moment, a tiny angelic Kim popped into being, delicately hovering over her right shoulder with graceful white wings. Clothed in a shimmering white cheerleader costume, a tiny halo topped her beautiful mane of striking red hair, the very image of innocence and propriety.
The angel whispered into Kim's ear, "Yeah, and although we've thought about it, we never actually gave in. Although graduation night came pretty close…"
With a look of embarrassment, Kim quickly tried to shush her.
"… so our first time will be very special."
The angel smiled contentedly. "And you'll never have to look back in regret for not waiting, Kim."
Suddenly, Kim's devilish avatar materialized over her other shoulder, breathing heavily. She wore her trademark skin-tight tan bodysuit which was clearly in disarray, and her crimson hair was mussed and tangled. Her mischievous tail flicked back and forth as she brushed the wayward strands out of her face.
"Speak for yourself, Goody-Two-Shoes," she grinned. "You have no idea what you're missing. But at least you'll be finding out soon."
The angel placed one hand on her hip as she looked askance at her counterpart. "Oh, really? Were we interrupting anything, Sheela?"
Sheela shot her a scornful look. "Well, duh! What does it look like, Kimberly?"
At that moment, Ron's miniature angel appeared with a gentle pop. Similar in appearance to Kimberly, he wagged a finger at the two quarreling females. "Now, now, ladies. No brouhaha over who's getting lucky with whom, especially with our impending mutual nuptials."
Sheela snarked back, "Ooh, such big words for such a small angel. Been reviewing Barkin's pop quizzes from high school, Ronnie?"
He replied offhandedly, "Hey Sheela, how's tricks?"
With a tiny flash, the fourth member of the quartet of avatars appeared. Also looking a bit disheveled, he tried to smooth out his wrinkled black and red cape, but with little success. He contented himself by straightening out his purple cap instead and wiping away some smeared lipstick from his faintly glowing blue face.
He glared at the two females. "Well, are you two catty females at it again? And you, Sheela, interrupting our little tête-à-tête just so you can snark at your counterpart? How rude, my pretty kitty. No catnip for you tonight."
Kimberly offered a tiny wave at her opposite number's amour. "Hey, Zorpox."
Zorpox replied with a heavy sigh, "Five years, and she still hasn't learned her place."
At that moment, Mr. Barkin entered the break room, and the avatars all disappeared in a tiny puff of smoke.
He gave the young couple a derisive look. "Break's over, Stoppable. Back to work."
Ron calmly replied, "Thanks for reminding me, Mr. Barkin. Which reminds me, I really need to give you your performance evaluation before I leave on my honeymoon. Tomorrow at 10 in my office work for you?"
Barkin visibly paled before stammering back, "Yes, sir. Sorry, Stoppable. Force of habit and all that."
Ron grinned back, "No problemo, Mr. B."
He turned back to his beautiful fiancée. "Well, Kim. Back to work. Catch you later for some Bueno Nacho?"
"Sure, Ron. Sounds spankin.' "
She leaned over to give him a kiss, but Barkin simply folded his arms and gave a loud harrumph.
Kim backed off, realizing that Barkin's old rules on PDA's were also simply a force of habit, and therefore hard to break. Nevertheless, Kim and Ron left the break room arm-in-arm, with a surly Mr. Barkin right behind them.
Ronnie and Zorpox instantly reappeared, but Kimberly and Sheela were nowhere to be found.
Zorpox angrily griped, "Now where did those two go off to now?"
Ronnie muttered, "Uh, I think I overheard them making an appointment for a facial at Dizzy Debbie's Angelic Salon. Something about a two-for-one special."
Zorpox wagged his head in dismay. "Hmm. Those two are so flighty. Fighting like cats and dogs one minute, then oh so kiss-and-make-uppy the next."
Ronnie agreed, "Yeah, but at least we've never had to worry about them fooling around on the side. Once that Junior Prom came around, their minds were made up. And they've stuck with both of us through thick and thin. I don't think there's anyone truer in the whole world than those two."
Zorpox gave him a gratuitous nod. "I'm forced to admit that as well, my sniveling little do-gooder. Of course in Sheela's case, it's probably due to fear. Even if she hasn't, well, learned her place, she surely knows what would happen to her should she … stray, shall we say? Ah booyah-hah-hah! But in dear Kimberly's case, she's doing it out of the kindness of her prudishly prim and proper heart.
They were suddenly startled by a loud harrumph from directly behind them. Smartly attired in an immaculately pressed dress blue officer's uniform, a new avatar had appeared.
"All right, people, listen up! Until the wedding, there will be no more angelic OR devilish hanky-panky, do I make myself clear?"
Mr. Barkin's avatar gave them both a fearsome look.
Ronnie nervously stuttered back, "Ye-Yes, sir! Absolutely clear, sir!"
Zorpox, however, cocked a questioning eyebrow and asked, "Uh, pardon me for asking, but are you Barkin's good side or his evil side?" He added with a sarcastic sneer, "With him it's so hard to tell."
The avatar snarled back, "Barkin lost his angelic side in a firefight ten clicks west of Zesta Punta over thirty years ago. And that's Lieutenant Barkin to you, Stoppable."
He gave the strangely attired megalomaniac the once over. "Or whoever you are. I couldn't help but hear you two singing the praises of your …" He bit out the next words with great sarcasm. "… eternal flames. All women are fickle, and they will let you down at some point. That's simply a fact of life. Guaranteed."
Ronnie countered, "Uh, sorry, but I really don't think so, Lieutenant. A truer girl than Kimberly has never walked the face of the earth. Even, uh, the face of our solar system! In fact, if we include all those star systems that the Lorwardians took over, I have a feeling that …"
Zorpox brusquely interrupted, "What my rhapsodically waxing counterpart is trying to say is, we know our women very well. And in spite of their foibles, inconstancy is not one of them."
Ronnie nodded in absolute agreement. "That's right! Booyah! So what's your problemo, Lieutenant? Get hit by a bus of cheerleaders at Lake Wannaweep when you were in high school or something?"
The Lieutenant's appearance softened for a moment. He looked back at them in silence as he recalled those tender moments when he had dated a fellow teacher, the young and beautiful Miss Go. At the time, he really had thought that he'd found the one, but after that sudden and bizarre mood swing of hers, he knew it was over. And the scars on his leg from the dogs she'd turned loose on him that day were nothing compared to the scars he bore on his heart. He felt like breaking into song to describe his feelings, but quickly decided against it, as that had been the very reason Miss Go had released those hounds in the first place.
His face hardened again. "Something like that," he growled. "So, how about a little wager? I'll bet you that I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that your fiancées are both fickle, just like all other women."
Taking umbrage at Lt. Barkin's sweeping insinuation, Ronnie began jumping up and down in a fit of pique. "Ooh! Ooh! You are so on, Lieutenant!"
Zorpox coolly looked on, merely offering a wolfish smile. "Yes, you're on, my, my oh so crafty Lieutenant. And what shall we wager then, hmm?"
Lt. Barkin growled back with an evil grin, "Let's make it something reasonable, shall we? Say, $100 worth of Smarty Mart Bonus Bucks?"
Ronnie happily exclaimed, "Coolio! Ya got a deal, Lieutenant!"
All three shook hands to seal the wager.
Lt. Barkin then announced his plan. "Okay, listen up you two. Here's the deal. You'll both pretend to have been called off indefinitely to that Yamanouchi School in Japan for final training in that I Ching Tek War stuff."
Ronnie corrected, "Uh, don't you mean Tai Shing Pek Kwar?"
Lt. Barkin gruffly continued, "Yeah, whatever. Soon after, you'll both return in disguise, and each of you will attempt to woo the other's fiancé. And let's keep it PG, people! This was a family show, once. I simply win the bet if both of them gives in and plants a willing smooch on the other Stoppable's lips. But you've got to be convincing: no namby-pamby, mealy-mouthed half-hearted attempts, or else the bet's off."
Zorpox stroked his chin in thought. "Mmm, yes. I think we can, hmm, make this work. We shall disguise ourselves as the swarthy Knights of Rodigan on a special mission for their new republic. Masquerading as these dashing and mysterious emissaries, we should both have more than sufficient opportunity to test their fidelity."
Ronnie eagerly added, "Yeah, and we may find out if they're true or not, too!"
"Don't be so sure, people," Lt. Barkin smirked. "We'll just have to wait and see. First I'll arrange for a Global Justice hover jet to pick you two up over at Dizzie Debbie's Salon as part of the façade, then I'll head over there to break the news to the girls. Meet me there in a half hour, and we'll get this little show on the road."
Back at Dizzy Debbie's Angelic Salon & Seraphic Spa, Sheela and Kimberly were enjoying a deep tissue massage under the gentle ministrations of the Midas avatars, both of whom just happened to be in town.
Sheela purred, "Oh, Kimberly. You have no idea what you're missing out on. You wouldn't think that a world-conquering megalomaniac could be such a great lover, but I guess appearances can be ferociously deceiving."
Kimberly easily countered, "Well, my Ronnie is a true gentleman through and through. He's always treated me with the utmost respect, and I don't expect that will change once we're married. I happen to like being treated like a lady, even if it means putting, uh, certain things off for awhile."
Sheela replied languorously, "Well, that's your choice, of course. But for myself? I've always wanted to have my catnip and eat it too, I guess."
At that moment, Lt. Barkin stepped into the spa and gave them a smart salute. "Greetings, ladies. I'm Lieutenant Barkin, and I regret to inform you that …"
They both screamed. The Lieutenant raised a consoling hand to continue. "No, your fiancés are both all right, I assure you, but …"
Sheela rasped, "No, you perv! Can't you see we're both trying to get a massage here?"
The shocked Lieutenant immediately turned bright red as the two female avatars quickly covered up their bikini-clad bodies with their robes.
"Oops. Excuse me, ladies. I'll be just outside." He turned and left as fast as he could, narrowly avoiding several items that Sheela and Kimberly had begun hastily throwing at him.
A few minutes later, the two fully clothed avatars emerged and approached the contrite Lieutenant.
Kimberly asked, "Now, what was it you wanted to see us about?"
He began, "I regret to inform you that both of your fiancés have been called away indefinitely for final training in, uh, Mai Tai Shing-a-Ling at the Yamanouchi School for Wayward Avatars."
Kimberly whined, "Oh, no! And with the wedding only weeks away! Can't their training be delayed until after we tie the knot?"
He sadly wagged his head. "I'm afraid not. World crisis of some kind."
Sheela exclaimed, "World crisis? What is it?"
"It's a big planetwide problem, but that's not important now. What's important is that your fiancés will be here any minute to say their goodbyes."
At that very moment, Ronnie and Zorpox arrived brokenhearted to offer their sad farewells.
"I'll miss you so much, Kimberly. I promise to write everyday until I get back."
She tearfully replied, "I'll miss you, too, Ronnie. But I know it's for the greater good. You'll always be my hero."
Ronnie immediately felt a twinge of regret at their impending subterfuge, and had not Zorpox and Lt. Barkin been carefully watching him, he might have caved in, wager or not.
Zorpox, on the other hand, had no misgivings whatsoever. "Well, I'm off, my pretty kitty. And when I return, no doubt I will have mastered the powers I need to rule the entire world! Ah booyah-ha-ha-hah!"
Sheela mewled suggestively, "Hurry back, Zorpy. You know what's waiting for you when you get back."
The two avatars climbed aboard the waiting GJ hoverjet and waved one last farewell to their respective angelic and devilish fiancés. The door closed and the jet quickly departed.
Kimberly sadly sighed, "Those boys are our last hope, Sheela."
Sheela looked up at the rapidly departing craft and mysteriously intoned, "No, there is another …"
Kimberly gave her a questioning look. "Huh?"
"Never mind. Let's go. I think I need a drink. Absinthe with a twist of catnip sounds about right."
Kimberly giggled, "Yeah, absinthe makes the heart grow fonder, doesn't it?"
She almost failed to avoid Sheela's swipe of her claw for that remark.
Lt. Barkin's grin, however, hid something a bit darker. "And so it begins. This'll serve you right for that look you gave me back in the 9th grade, Stoppable. And I'll prove to you that these two, like all other women, are fickle. Especially that Miss Go …"
Well, Mr. Barkin's singular avatar certainly has some bones to pick with the fairer sex. But will his devilish self win the bet, or will Kim's angel and devil personae resist the temptations about to be thrown their way? Whatever the outcome, hilarity is guaranteed to ensue ...