A/N: Not my best work, sorry and I am not sure if I like it, but oh well :D I hope you guys do. This is KIND OF a song fic, but not really. Inspiration from Kelly Clarkson's song 'Cry', which I suggest listening to while reading. By the way, I don't own Sanctuary or this song :( Please tell me what you think.
Helen could see them all wanting to ask the same question. It was sitting on their lips as they watched her pass by, but none of them had any courage to actually ask her. "What happened to your engagement to Mr Druitt?" And if they did ask, Helen knew what her answer would be.
"We both agreed it would be best to move on."
No one would know if it were true or not; no one except Helen and the rest of The Five. Not even her father knew the truth about John. Sometimes, Helen wished she didn't know either. Then she might be able to go to sleep every night without having nightmares about that look in his eyes as he killed that poor woman, she might be able to go into market without having to pretend that she couldn't hear the people whispering to each other about her.
Dinner with James, Nigel and Nikola was strained now; all three devastated in their own ways about the revelation of John being Jack the Ripper, not that Nikola would ever admit it. James blamed himself, as Helen did, for not seeing it sooner. Nigel felt betrayed and Nikola...Nikola wanted to hate the bastard for it but could only find that it hurt him to see a man he considered a friend, despite their faults with each other, turn into a monster. They all knew that Helen was grieving; after spending countless late nights and early mornings studying together, they had become to know each other's emotions. But Helen swallowed her pride, pretending that nothing had happened and that she was okay with it all.
One night however, when she arrived at James' door with tears staining her cheeks, he knew she wasn't okay. He ushered her in out of the cold briskly, kicking the door shut behind him as he led her into the sitting room where he had been before she had arrived. His cocaine sat untouched on the table next to his chair and book.
Taking the seat he offered her, James said nothing while he poured Brandy into a crystal tumbler and passing it over silently, he sat and watched as she drank. Being in his presence calmed her somewhat, but the tears remained travelling down her cheeks without a sound. There was nothing to say, no questions as to her reason for being here to ask. She needed him to just be there for her, and without words, James knew this.
When she finished her drink, James leant over, placing the glass onto the table before he took her hands in his, his thumb rubbing over her soft skin. Helen closed her eyes, a tear clinging to her eyelashes and without thought, James brushed it away, his fingers gliding over her cheek briefly and she inclined her head into his palm.
"Is it over yet?" It came out in a barely audible whisper, her voice trembling as she spoke. James said nothing and Helen looked up at him through half lidded eyes, almost pleadingly as the tears ran down her face. "Has this nightmare ended? James, please tell me this has all just been a very bad dream and if I open my eyes, everything will be like it was before."
"I wish I could, my dear. Oh how I wish I could take your pain away, like somehow your presence does to me." He answered, leaning closer to her.
"You can, James."
And suddenly, Helen's lips were on his, begging for him to take her, to make her forget for a night.
Any rational thought flew from James' mind as he kissed back, his hands moving to pull her closer to him. He made love to her that night, kissing her, touching her, loving her in ways John hadn't done in a very long time. And for a time, she forgot just how much John had destroyed her and how much she hated loving him. For a time, she was able to be normal.
Later, when the two lay spent in each other's arms, James already asleep, it all came rushing back to her and she began to cry silently.
"Is this what it feels like to really cry?" Helen whispered into the darkness but there was no reply.
When Helen returned to Oxford, her mask was back in place, though James knew that she was far from fine, as she told the others, but he didn't push her. If she needed to talk again, he was there for her. The other students at Oxford spoke openly about her relationship with Druitt, not minding if she heard them. In fact on her first day back, one of the students asked the question that she knew had been coming sooner or later.
"What happened to Mr Druitt? Were you two not engaged to be wed?"
Nikola who was beside her growled, Nigel grabbing his arm in warning but Helen sent the two gentle smiles before turning to the man.
"Not that it is any of your business, he and I grew apart and decided that it would be in our best interests if we did not see each other anymore. As for his whereabouts, I would not know."
It was weak, but Helen cared not if they believed her or could see her lying. She walked away, her three best friends on her heels, not bothering with her etiquette. In fact, James observed curiously, Helen had been very quiet today, even more so than she usually had been. She had been distant , her skin pale, and her eyes sad yet thoughtful.
That evening as he entered her home, carefully hanging her coat on the Coat Tree, he chose to ask her about it, but before he had the chance, Helen spoke.
"I suspect I am with child, James."
He stopped suddenly, turning her to face him.
It had only been a week since their night together, and there was no method with which Helen could discover if she was pregnant in that short amount of time. It simply hadn't been long enough. The only other person, to his knowledge that Helen had been with was...
"It's John's child," She managed to say, almost reading his thoughts. "I am so sorry, James."
She expected for him to be angry, to yell at her, to cuss at her and accuse her of being a whore but James only smiled at her sadly. It occurred to her that what she had been expecting is what John would have done if the roles were reversed.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, my dear. You deserve to be a mother and I think you will be brilliant. If you need anything – Anything at all – do not hesitate to call on me." James pulled her into a hug, burying his nose in her hair so that she might not see the anguish on his face. He loved Helen, always had, ever since he met her 2 years ago. John had confessed his attraction for Helen to James and he had simply let it slide. He would not have competed for Helen's affection with his best friend, not matter how much he loved her.
She smelt of Roses and faint Cinnamon, and absently his arms grew tighter around her, one of his hands going to her stomach.
"I don't deserve you James," Helen admitted quietly, pulling him closer to her.
After a moment, James pulled away with a smile.
"I had best be headed off, but remember what I said."
When he said those words, she was sure she would be okay. He didn't care that John was the child's father; he only cared for its well being, and for hers. With each day that passed, with each word he spoke, Helen found herself loving James more and more. Not in the way she still loved John but in a way that let her know that maybe she would be okay.
A week passed, and she expected that with time, she would be able to come to terms with the fact that she was carrying John's child. John's and Jack's child. Instead, that thought of carrying a monsters child made her sick to the stomach. She didn't want her child to be like him; she wanted her child to be like John, not Jack.
Then people started talking. At first it was whispers about how pale and sick she appeared lately. It escalated into rumours that she couldn't bear. As she waited for James to come out of class, she listened to them talk.
"Did you hear? Miss Magnus is pregnant! No, no I mean it! I heard Jasper talking to Margaret about it! Personally I suspect it to be James Watson's child! You've seen the way those two have been acting since Druitt left. Like they are hiding something."
"I heard that the reason he left was because she cuckolded him. Though I wouldn't be surprised. This is the reason why women shouldn't be allowed anywhere near Oxford. All they bring is corruption and mischief."
"You do that by yourself!" Helen exclaimed, jumping to her feet. The others looked over at her surprised as she strode toward the group whom she had been eavesdropping on.
"Helen, come." James arm caught her around the waist, pulling her away from the group and into The Five's lab before she could say something stupid.
"That child is going to be a bastard child. I'd be surprised if it doesn't get arrested by the Bobbies by the time it is old enough to. Shame on her."
James shut the door, but Helen had already heard it.
"They are right James! Oh dear lord, I cannot condemn my child to this. This life of embarrassment and humiliation. I won't do it."
"Helen, what you're speaking of is dangerous and inhumane! I thought if anyone you would know that!"
Helen spun to face her long time friend, and occasional lover, her hands clasped over her belly protectively.
"No, James. I wouldn't ever...No, if the punishment for my sins is to live for eternity, then I shall extract the embryo of my child and store it until I can be sure that it will be safe. Safe from John, safe from these men. My child will not grow up in a time that will hate it. And who knows, James, I may never carry this child to term but at least that will better than the alternative."
Helen collapsed into James' arms, sobbing hard against his chest. When Nikola and Nigel arrived, he silently shooed them away, holding her quaking body to him.
"Are you sure, Helen?" He asked when she had calmed and she nodded. "Okay, I'll help you. But not today. Tomorrow, alright?"
The very next day, James did as he promised and Ashley Magnus was placed in stasis for 130 years.
As Helen sat on the boat to Canada weeks later, she clutched the specialised box to her chest and cried.