When the Cameras aren't Filming (Part 32)

Beep Beep the Roadrunner, Wile E Coyote, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Foghorn Leghorn and the rest are not my creations nor do I claim any rights over them (at all), and are being used in acknowledgment of that. While the Roadrunner is a property of Warner Brothers, Beep Beep the Roadrunner is the property of Gold Key Comics (to the best of my knowledge and abilities).


Velma wasn't doing well. Not well at all. Her thoughts were becoming completely lost. Even though she was tied strongly, she was getting muscle convulsions. And all these signs were completely lost on her kidnappers.

'She's done,' signed Vile E, 'Bring in the Roadrunner chick.'

"Hey boss!" called Clyde as he looked out the window, "Da rug has moved an da boyd is gone!"

'WHAT?! Did she fall?!'

"No," he said as he looked down, "Dey ain't no body in da alley!"

'What's going on the the apartment across the way?'

"It looks like dey's some cops in der kitchen."

'POLICE?! Stop talking so loud, YOU IDIOT!'

"What's wrong?" he asked ignorantly.

'Load the guns,' he signed back, 'The cops could be here any minute.'

He looked at Velma. She was vomiting through her nose.

'Putting a bullet in her head would be merciful.'

There was a knock at the door.

'Answer the door. If it's anyone from the Police Department, SHOOT THEM!'

"This is the Hollywood Police Department," said a man from behind the door, "and we need to ask you a few questions. We're aren't here to arrest anyone, but just gather information for a report. Please answer your door."

"Boss?" he asked.

'Okay, just answer the door, answer their questions, and act stupid. I know, it's not much of a stretch for you,' signed the coyote.

Clyde opened the door with the gun in his hand. When the Detective and two Officers waiting there with guns drawn saw it, they opened fire without warning. Several hits in the chest brought the thug down fast, gushing blood.

Vile E and Buck returned fire through the door. The Policemen dove aside.

"Hey coppers," called Buck, "Take one step in here and the hostage gets a pussy full of lead!"

"Surrender!" replied the Officer, "This building is surrounded! There's no way out! We know you kidnapped the wife of Beep Beep! Don't add to the charges of two cases of kidnapping with a charge of first degree murder!"

'They're lying,' signed Vile E, 'Cover the door and the hostage while I get some more boys!' He climbed out the other apartment window, and started up the fire escape.

A voice across the alley said, "He's going for the roof!"

He fired a few shots at the cop who shouted that, making him duck behind the wall. It was lucky that Alice, Ralph, and Matilda were all moved away from the kitchen beforehand. Alice insisted that they follow the poor Roadrunner down to the ambulance along with the Paramedics.

When shots were fired, the Detective stepped into the apartment doorway and fired three shots in the head of the distracted Buck. He went down with Clyde.

They rushed into the room to find a hogtied, gagged and naked woman reeking of booze with vomit stains spewed from her nose. Even a casual look told them that she was most likely dying, because her skin was starting to turn blue.

"I'll call for an ambulance!" called the Detective, "But try to catch the one that's already here before they leave! I don't think she's going to live very long!" One of the Policemen ran for the stairs. It was faster than the elevator. "I need you," he said of the other Policeman, "to follow the suspect up to the roof, but watch out for ambushes. If you see a gun, shoot to kill, but otherwise give him the chance to give himself up."

The other Policeman nodded and went for the fire escape. As he spoke to the Hospital, gunshots rang out from the roof.


Miss Hendershot put down the phone into its cradle. Foghorn and Beep Beep left for the Hospital to meet his wife a while earlier, just leaving her with a distraught Wile E.

"I'm so sorry," she said quietly, "but Velma is in a coma. Her kidnappers induced a severe case of alcohol poisoning from her rectum while she was tied up. She's at the Hospital where Matilda and her eggs are being cared for. We've made sure that she'll have the best doctors and care that money can buy, but they don't know if she'll ever wake up again. Your brother and his thug friends are all dead. The Police had no choice but to shoot them."

Wile E passed out on the floor.


Beep Beep and Foghorn rushed to the Hospital to find Matilda waiting for her husband in a private room. They let her keep the incubator for her special eggs in the room with her. It only needed an outlet, and a nurse to check on the eggs as long as they were also checking on her.

"BEEP BEEP!" he yelled as he rushed to embrace her. She opened her wings to take his hug as he got to her bedside.

"Beep beep!" she relied as she hugged him back.

"The eggs are safe?!" asked Foghorn, "I say, that's wonderful!" He walked over, glanced down through the glass dome cover, and said, "Well, they do seem to take after their mother."

"Beep beep?"

"Don't you wrinkle one feather on your head, darling," he replied, "I promised Beep Beep that I would cover any expense the company won't. I is a rooster ah my word."

"Beep beep."

"A hairline crack, you say?" he asked, "Don't fret, I've seen plenty of eggs with little iddy biddy cracks in their shells hatch with no problems at all."

"Beep beep?" asked Beep Beep.

"Beep beep!" she replied.

"You say you all was birdnapped, tied up, hooded, spanked, hauled around in a carpet, and hung from a clothesline?!" asked the old rooster in dismay, "What kind of monster could to that to a fair maiden like you?! I so want those bastard to pay for this, I say!"

"BEEP BEEP!" said Beep Beep.

"Wow," he mused, "You'd really do that to them?!"

He nodded.

"Well all that matters this moment is that Matilda is alright, and so is both of your eggs. We should let the Police and the Courts punish these monsters."

He nodded again.

Foghorn walked over, and put his wings about Matilda and Beep Beep as he said, "Well, I'm just so happy that you're both alright. Maybe y'all can let me be the godparent to your new chicks?"

The both leaned in and kissed the old rooster from opposite sides of his beak.


Word spread about Hollywood, then the state of California, and finally the whole nation about a few stories. About the vile kidnapping of a celebrity's wife and a co-star's lover. The ransom demands. The dramatic rescue first by ordinary neighbors across the alley, and later by the Hollywood Police Department. Their was bloody photos of the slain criminals to be shown. Eyewitness accounts to be told. Romantic stories emerged with almost no basis in fact.

Beep Beep and Wile E took a prolonged absence from the studio to take care of their kidnapping related traumas, and their fans understood it well enough.

It was enough to almost completely overshadow the coming out of Bugs and Daffy, and the duck kind of liked it better that way. However, Bugs would publicly say he was no longer dating any Hollywood starlets other than the friendly relationship he shared with Daisy Lou. And the fabled rivalry between Bugs and Daffy only lived on in their movies and eventually television shows.


Wile E spent the next two days at Velma's bedside. She was hooked up to IV bags. They catheterized her. They were giving her medicine through the IV. He wouldn't eat. He wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't relieve himself. He wouldn't leave her. He just held her hand and prayed for her to come back to him. All that kept him company was the beeps of the machine that monitored her heart and respiration.

When visiting hours opened on the Saturday morning of the third day, Bugs came to see him and Velma. He put his hand on the coyote's shoulder, and said, "Doc, dis is nuts. Do you think dat Velma would be happy knowin youse makin yourself suffer like dis?"

Wile E looked down and then nodded, because he knew the rabbit was right. But just as Bugs was going to take him to the bathroom, Velma moaned and opened her eyes at last. He rushed back to take her hand again while Bugs pushed the button to call the Nurse.

"Wile E?" she asked weakly.

He nodded. Without her glasses on, he had to be close to her face for her to see him at all.

"How long was I out?"

"More than two days," said Bugs, "and Wile E's been here wit you almost every minute of dat time."

"Really?" she asked.

The coyote nodded in her face again. About then, the Nurse rushed in.

"She's awake!" cried Bugs.

"Doctor!" called the Nurse, "Velma is awake!"

"Now come on," he said as he took the coyote's arm again, "She knows dat ya love her. Now we either takes care ah you, or I know whose da next joik ta be admitted ta dis Hospital."

"Go on," said Velma, "I love you too."

Both of Matilda's eggs hatched safely, giving them two hens! With a father, a mother, and three older brothers, they never had to worry about being kept safe. Foghorn became a godparent to both of them. In fact, they were named Fogette and Hornetta after the old rooster.

Foghorn and Beep Beep remained very close, and Matilda always approved of their relationship.

Velma remained in the hospital for a month, with Wile E visiting her every day. He didn't go back to work for three weeks while visiting her, and both him and Beep Beep were given paid time off while their shows and movies simply replayed their past works.

Bugs and Daffy lived happily together even if they were still seen as rivals in the movies, and Daffy was always portrayed as being jealous of Bug's career. Hollywood: go figure. All of the fantastic dates about Bug's hot dates were dropped, although he was still seen in public once in a while with his friend, Daisy Lou.

Wile E wound up marrying Velma, and they lived happily ever after.