Not The Doctor.
Disclaimer: I do not own either the Doctor, River Song or anything related to them. Sadly. Lyrics are belonging to the ever talented Alanis Morisette
Author's Note: So this one is a bit different from any of my other fics & it also includes an OC prominently which I rarely do but I hope you all enjoy it because it's been bugging me for days untl I gave in an wrote it.
"I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air…
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor."
I've always loved you River. Ever since we were children I've loved you. Your best friend, your longest suffering Agony Aunt and the man who's been in love with you since we were six- that's me. And you never noticed, never gave me a second glance because I'm not him. I'm not the Doctor. And I never will be.
When we were kids I remember you telling me your stories about your adventures and the ones your mum and dad had had before you were even born, adventures that revolved around this strange man and his time machine. I listened in awe and wonder as you told me about the stars and the things I couldn't even imagine. Even then, all those years ago, I felt I'd lost you to something much bigger, much more extraordinary than I could ever offer. We used to play pretend- imagine I was the Doctor and we were travelling together but then you'd disappear off with the real version and forget all about me until you returned to school weeks later with secrets you wanted to spill.
As we grew up you told me everything. We were best friends, all each other had really. You told me of you first kiss, the first time he held you, all the things he promised you, how he told you he loved you. The wonder shined in your eyes. It was like you could hardly believe someone so wonderful could love you so much. I always wanted to scream, to tell you that you were perfect and anyone would be stupid not to love you with everything they had because I knew I did. Of course I never uttered any such words. I just sat there and listened to every excruciating detail and tried to pretend it didn't hurt because having you confide in me, trust me- having any part of you really- that was better than not having you at all. So there I stayed, by your side as you grew from girl to woman. I watched you grow in confidence because of the love he gave you and I thought, I wished, that in some alternate universe it could have been me giving you all these things.
I was there for your wedding. Happiest day of your life. And I tried to be happy for you. No, that's a lie, I was happy for you. I was so glad that you'd finally married the man who gave you so much joy and wonder. It was me I was unhappy for but I knew that this was the way it was supposed to be. This was the life you'd chosen. You could never be happy with me- I finally accepted that fact on that day. You could never lead the ordinary life I could offer you and I would never ask you to. Acceptance was difficult but I knew I'd always have you in my life, and that was something. Something is better than nothing.
You've always been through it all with me. As we got older and you travelled across the universe and through all of time and space you always came back to me. I was your best friend, probably your only friend, and you always returned to see me when you forgot everyone else. Everyone who's ever met you loved you- it's impossible not to but I was the only one who knew the other side of you when you weren't being brilliant and saving the world and running with the Doctor. I knew the woman who spent entire days curled up on my sofa in her pyjamas watching black and white movies and asking for endless cups of tea while telling me stories of the latest adventures. Those days were the best days of my life. The ones you probably forget, the ones spent doing nothing but telling me about your real life. You were so happy then. Before it happened. Before prison.
I was one of the few who understood. I knew you'd have a reason for doing what you did, even if it was one you couldn't share with us. I was there on the day of your trial and there when they read your sentence. Life imprisonment. Your face when they read those words broke my heart. It wasn't the fact that you were upset, or that you were angry but merely that you accepted your fate so easily, as if you deserved it, that crushed me. I don't know what made you do it, what made you kill him, but I know it wasn't a decision you took lightly. I know you thought you deserved your punishment but I never did. I tried to visit you for years but you kept turning me away. You said it wasn't time yet, that you couldn't speak to anyone. Long lonely years passed but I waited. I waited for the day you would be ready.
Then one day you arrived at my house like nothing had happened. I knew you'd been breaking out to visit the Doctor but suddenly you'd broken out to see me. You have no idea how honoured I felt. I thought you'd finally decided it was time to tell me what had happened all those years ago and why your life had changed so drastically. Of course this wasn't the case. You wanted to talk about him. It was always him. Every time when you turned up after that you'd bring a bottle of wine and we'd sit and we'd talk about him for hours and you'd cry. I'd never seen you cry before. You told me how he was slipping away from you, how he loved you less every time you saw him, how when you kissed him he hadn't known what to do with himself and how you feared the day it would all be over for you. Although you'd always known it was coming I think you'd always managed to push it aside as something that was so far away it needn't bother you but suddenly it was nearly here and nearly now and I could see your heart breaking. You could never tell him so you cried to the only person you could- you cried to me. You sobbed and I held you but I knew I could never make it right. I never had your heart and so now I couldn't fix it.
Finally there came that day. You were free and you'd done your time but that didn't mean you came back to me. Oh no, not you River. Instead you announced a new adventure, a new mission.
"I'm off to The Library, isn't that brilliant?" You called as you were walking out the door one day.
"The Library? Isn't that awfully dangerous?" I asked, trying to stop you. Trying to protect you like always.
"Of course. What would be the fun in going otherwise?" You laughed as you blew me a kiss carelessly over your shoulder.
"Take care River!" I called to your retreating back. "Love you!"
"Love you too hun." You called as you ran to your car, not looking back.
That was the last time I ever saw you. Those were the last words I ever heard you say. All I got was a phone call from Mr Lux saying that he was the only survivor from the mission. My brain went numb at that point. Random words filtered through- brave, strong, sacrifice, saviour, dead. Dead. I couldn't believe it. My River, my love, my best friend. Gone. And with no family left there was only me to mourn you. Only me to organise the service, to sort through your things, to say goodbye. He couldn't be there because he didn't know you any more, didn't know you yet or whichever way around you guys worked so I had to do what I'd spent my entire life doing: picking up the pieces where he left off. I had to pick up the pieces of my heart and say my final farewells to the woman I'd loved so dearly for so long and then I had to carry on with my life. Because that's what we do, we ordinary people leading ordinary lives, we love and then we lose and we carry on.
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