Tama Pan

By nightelfcrawler

Warnings: Pure Crack

Okay so... in chatting with an rp partner, we ended up discovering that we had been a part of the same fandoms some 10+ years ago. She ran a website that hosted some of my old fics... which made me drag out some old dvds that I'd saved my webpages on... and lo and behold, I found these old fics hanging around still and decided heck why not bring them back. So here they are, a trip down memory lane! These were written in the late 90's and early 2000's when I went by too many psudonyms to remember. I actually forgot who I was until I physically saw the fics listed and went 'oh crap I remember those!'. Ahh memories.

Be warned... these were my first attempts at writing and are likely riddled with grammar, spelling and other noted errors. I've read through them, blushed furiously that I used to write like this, and decided to put them up anyway as-is with no revisions. So please enjoy, but don't bother correcting or whining, they shall be ignored!

Tama PanStandard disclaimer: These characters aren't mine they're created by the wonderful Watase Yuu, although I wish they were, Houjun-chan is such a hottie! So don't sue me, I need o-ka-ne right now...

All children but one grow up.

[*sniggers maniacally*]

Wendy Miaka Moira Angela Darling slowly climbed the stairs with a delicate tea set carried gracefully in her hands steaming with the fresh aroma of tea.

[Hot. Earl Gray.]

Subsequently, she promptly tripped on her loose blue nightgown and the entire tea set and Miaka came crashing down.

A small chibi head poked out from the above stairwell and stared down. "Anou... she broke the tea set again no da."

Soon two boys were peering down at Miaka with looks of resignation on their faces.

John sighed in frustration. "Why does she get to play the lead part? And why do I have to be the one who wears this stupid hat. Why couldn't I have been Peter Pan? I play the flute better than HE does anyway!"

Chibi Michael shook his head slowly. "And while we're at it, why am I playing the little kid no da?" He held his pet cat up and spoke to it. "I never asked for this job no da. I'm just a monk."

[Shhh, quiet, Chichiri! You're ruining the atmosphere! Now both of you go help her!]

Chibi Michael glared at no one in particular, then he and John sighed and helped Miaka pick the pieces of china up.

They all retreated into the nursery and John and Chibi Michael began to play fight.

Poof!"DA! I am the evil Captain Hook no da! Bow down in fear before me, you wretched Peter Pan!"

"Never, you codfish! I shall never give up!" He whipped out a fife and began playing a strange melodic tune on it.

[No! Stop that Amiboshi! You're supposed to sword fight with Hook! And while we're at it, Chichiri, you're not allowed to use you magic! What do you think you're doing?]

They peered up at the strange mysterious voice coming from nowhere.

"Anou, who's up there anyway...it's not Kiri and Hikaru is it no da?"

[*sniggers* Nope, but Kiri did commission me to write this!]

Chibi Michael shed a sweatdrop. "Uh oh. I knew they were involved in this somewhere no da..."

[Hey, be nice or I'll make you wet your diapers or something, Chichiri!]

He promptly shut up.

Meanwhile, Miaka was smoothing down the bed sheets for the boys, humming a small tune to herself when Nana came into the room carrying a book in his mouth.

Upon seeing the faithful nanny enter the room, John's face paled and Chibi Michael hid under the bed with the cat. Miaka turned and a fierce wave of rage overcame her.

She launched herself at Nana, screaming over and over, "You killed Nuriko! You killed Nuriko!"

Nana simply flicked out a deadly clawed hand and flung Miaka across the room in one simple gesture, effectively ending our story and making everyone live happily ever after.

[*ahem* Okay, so I can't do that...]

Collective groans from the cast.

Nana gently lifted a paw and knocked Miaka unconscious, carried her over to her bed, and laid her down where she snored, dreaming of food, and left.

Hearing the noise, the mother and father entered the nursery, tidying up their formal attire for a soon-to-be wonderful evening at the local Kansai restaurant, free of their troublesome daughter.

"Now, children, behave yourselves, you don't want Nana to deal with you if you're naughty." Shouka tightened the bow tie on her husband's neck and gave him a sweet kiss. His eyes glazed and he said nothing, as he was designed to be the Strong and Silent (TM) member of the cast. "We're off then! Have a good night, children!"

Chibi Michael and John gave knowing glances at each other as their parents left.

"Maybe we'd be better off facing Ashitare no da."

"I'd risk it rather than stay here and see what this crazy author has planned for us."

[I heard that! Just for that, I'm taking your fife, Amiboshi, so ha!]

John watched with agony on his face as his beloved fife turned into an icky walking stick thingy.

Miaka murmured something about peaches.

As the children slept, and Nana snored away downstairs keeping Chibi Michael and John awake, a strange shadowy form alit upon the roof.

Soon, the window slowly creaked open, and the shadowy form of a young boy was outlined in the window sill. Slowly, he began creeping forward, inch by inch on silent cat's feet towards the dresser drawers. Then he slowly opened the top drawer and his eyes lit up with a bright gleam as he saw what he had come to search for. Reaching into the drawer, he pulled out a sack and quickly tried to exit the room, but as he climbed the window sill, the tie to the bag slipped open and with a loud clinking sound, all the coins fell to the ground promptly waking the sleeping children.

"HEY! THAT'S MY MONEY!" Miaka screamed as she flipped the light switch on quickly. "YOU THIEF! GIVE IT BACK!"

The boy turned around and looked at her haughtily. He wore a green suit with oh-so-tight tights. "I am Robin Hood! I steal from the rich to give to the poor! You cannot stop me, or my band of Merry Men will surround you and you will be forced to give up! So there!"

Everyone stared at him.

[Anou... that's the wrong story.]

He looked disappointed. "You mean... I don't steal from the rich?


"Or give to the poor?"


"I don't have any Merry Men?"

[Not a chance. Well... maybe Nuriko... No, never mind.]

He sighed. "Well, now I'm confused!"

Suddenly a bright flicker of light dashed into the room, throwing dazzling sparkles all over the walls. The children watched fascinated as the light landed on the dresser.


Everyone broke out laughing hysterically, tears rolling down their faces.

The fairy scowled and whipped out a pretty pink metal fan with sparkles strapped to his back and wielded it in front of him. "WHAT THE #$$ ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!"

Miaka, Chibi Michael, John, and the Robin Hood wanna-be all surrounded him.

Tama Pan snickered. "Oooo, so pretty! You're wearing a nice pink tutu with sparkles! And (snigger) look! Pretty wings too!" Tama Pan grinned evilly and poked the fairy.

Miaka giggled and kissed him. "You're so beautiful, Tasukibell!"

"Tasuki~~bell~~!" Tama Pan broke down rolling on the floor in tears. "Such a cute Fairy!"


Everyone collapsed holding their sides in hysterics when a poof of sparkling fairy dust spewed out from the fan.

Tasukibell looked ready to murder someone, namely the author.

[*rofl* I~ just couldn't~~ help myself!]

Once everyone had gotten control of themselves, Tama Pan smiled down at Miaka. "I'm Tama Pan. Who are you?"

"Wendy Miaka Moira Angela Darling! But you can call me Miaka!" She grabbed onto his arm, their eyes meeting suddenly in a precious moment. Hearts swam around them as they gazed fondly into each others eyes, shimmering with their absolute passion for one another and...


[Che, tou~chy!]

"Do you want to come with me to Never Never Never Never Never Never Never-" Tasukibell whacked Tama Pan on the head with the sparkly pink fan violently. "-Nevermind Land?"


And so Tasukibell flew over them spraying his beautiful pink fairy dust from his sparkly pink fan with a constant mutter of Rekka Shinen, and the three children followed Tama Pan to Never Never Never Never-anyway, they went out in their PJ's into the snowing night air... a death wish if you ask me.

Chibi Michael glared at the unseen narrator who sounded suspiciously like the author. "No one asked you no da."

As they descended from the fluffy clouds towards the shimmering island (which roughly resembled a chicken if you sorta squinted your head sideways and...), they could catch sight of some beautiful mermaids swimming by a streaming waterfall with bubbles floating around it...

They decided to take a look, the children never having seen mermaids before, and Tama Pan and Tasukibell just wanted to look since mermaids rarely wore anything more than shells... ^.~

Landing on the rocks, John and Chibi Michael promptly looked green as they caught sight of the mermaids, and turned away deciding they might be better off avoiding the conflict.

Tasukibell and Tama Pan however, got an eyeful and cried in unison, "AHHHHH SUNAKAKE BABAAAAA!" and promptly fainted dead away on the scene.

The mermaid's leader looked less than pleased, and scowled deeply. "I'll kick your ass later."

"Hmm," one mermaid said, smoothing her dark hair back suavely and leaning over the unconscious men. "I claim the cute guy in the leotard."

Miaka just stared at the mermaid, wondering how anyone can have so little up front, when she realized the mermaid wasn't a merMAID... Stuttering, she shivered as he let out a soft 'kakakakakaaa' and stroked the unconscious Tama Pan's hair with a secret smile.

Meanwhile, the third mermaid, a stark opposite of the dark haired one [*ahem* Rather well-endowed...] smiled and let her white curls fall down over Tasukibell's body. "I like them small and sweet... and fangs are kinda cute..."

Miaka, John, and Chibi Michael decided it was high time they left before the dark haired mermai- er, whatevers- had time to remove the [*ahem*] clam shell and use it. Dragging the unconscious bodies with them, they made their way up the cliff and ended up at an Indian camp.

Entering the camp, they were treated friendly like and led to the campfire ring where they met the Indian chief.

"How-" he stated raising a slender pale hand. Miaka and the boys copied his gesture. "-do you get such perfect soft hair when there's no shampoo in this place?"


Then a beautiful young Indian maid came from behind the chief and put her arms around him lovingly murmuring sweet somethings into his ear.

"Ah," the chief said, blushing. "Forgive me, I have no manners whatsoever! I am Chief Hotohori, and this is my lovely, uh, associate, Nuri Lily."

The others stared Nuri Lily openly and sighed in exasperation. Chibi Michael murmured something to the effect of "Well, at least he got his wish no da," and hugged the cat for safety.

Meanwhile, Tama Pan and Tasukibell had woken up groggily and were gazing longingly at Nuri Lily, causing Miaka to fume silently.

Taking the hint, Tama Pan immediately suggested they go to the Nevermind Tree and get a bite to eat. Miaka was instantly gone, off the side of the cliff to her ultimate doom...

[*sighs* Must stop doing that... *whack whack*]

Another groan from collective cast.

Anyway, she disappeared sprinting towards the Nevermind Tree where she promptly set to work eating all the food, stunning the lost boys as they watched her inhale it all. After she had eaten everything and was still hungry, the lost boys employed her to tell them a bedtime story. She promptly began spinning a tale about the wonderful adventures she had after being pulled into a book and meeting a dreamy guy, and everyone was out like a light.

Miaka woke in the morning, being, of course, very hungry, and went in search of food.

When the others woke to find her gone, they rejoiced.

"Yes! Now I don't have to go around protecting her or nothing!"

"No more falling down and breaking things no da!"

"She can't destroy my flute if she's not here!"

"Anou, Aniki, I thought the author took your flute...she didn't take my ryuuseisui anyway!"

"I hate pretending to be her best friend! I'm sick of it!"

"Do I have to possess anyone?"

"Can I go read my scrolls?"



Grumbling they all went over to where they all knew she would be... the annual Pirate's luncheon.

"Smee! Would you go and get my shoulder pads for me. I seem to have forgotten them. Despite the fact that they don't fit this character, I intend to wear them!"

[Hey! I'm the author, and I say you don't wear them!]

The bad guy glared. "I am the villain. I say I do." He raised a hand and pointed it at the crocodile seated beside him patiently. "And if you don't agree, I'll have my little friend here eat your most beloved character."

[*shivers* All right, all right, you can wear the shoulder pads. But no chi blasts, got it?]

He nodded in acquiescence and accepted the shoulder pads offered by Smee.

"Here they are, oh honorable and gorgeous Captain Hook, dear." Smee leaned over and tenderly attached the shoulder pads to his coat, letting her *ahem* upper portion get right where he could get a good look at it, and allowing her hair to fall over his face, much to his annoyance, since it simply fell into his wine anyway.

Looking annoyed because he was, he tossed his wine to the crock, who licked it up greedily.

"So when is the idiot going to arrive? I'm getting tired of waiting."

[All right, all right!]

Suddenly Miaka tripped over an unseen and figmentary rock and landed face first in a cherry pie.

Captain Hook stood with an evil grimace and pointed at the girl, his hand glowing blue...BLUE?

[Hey heyhey!]

Suddenly, a flash of light revealed a medium sized girl with shoulder length brown hair, a kasa on her head, and a T-shirt that said "I love Chichiri" standing there, clutching a laptop under one arm, a box of chocolates under the other, and a cup of hot apple cider in her hand.

"Che! Can't you guys get even a friggin' parody right for once?"

Suddenly the rest of the cast was standing on the pier looking very tired of all this.

Tasukibell flew forward. "Hey, chick, can't you just kill her off and be done with it?"

The girl stared at him with an evil look in her eye. "Chick? I'd watch what you say, Tasuki. Maybe I'll just leave you like that with your pink tessen with sparkles!"

He flushed and quickly backed off.

She gazed around at everyone, took a quiet sip of her cider, offered minna a chocolate (which they gratefully declined cause they knew what was best for them), and then grinned at a sudden idea. "Hey, how about this? I'll get rid of Miaka if I can have Chichiri!"

Chibi Michael turned pale and tried to vanish under a nonexistent kasa.

Naturally, minna grabbed him, offered the chibi monk to her and watched her expectantly.

Grinning, she clutched the kawaii monk to her like a plushie, and snapped her fingers. Instantly, the crocodile leapt forward, chomped the annoying pest Miaka, and let out a contented belch that echoed throughout the cove loudly, causing every pirate, lost boy, and everyone else to cheer loudly that they were finally rid of her at last.

Grinning widely, the girl vanished with the chocolates, laptop, cider, kasa, and monk.

The End