A/N: fire here, and first attempt at writing a crackfic. Slightly edited, and not to be taken seriously in any manner.


"Okay, let me get this straight." Baby blue eyes observed the circle of men (and one woman) with undisguised disbelief. "You guys…own fifty bottles of purple nail polish."

It was three in the morning. She was in what essentially was a moldy hotel room, with a number of S-class criminals sitting around her in a circle, criss cross apple sauce. In front of her was a stack of purple nail polish. This wasn't happening.

"It's fifty two," corrected Kakuzu. "We have two extras in case of accidents."

"…You guys are S-class, highly dangerous, with hundred of thousands of dollars on each individual head-"

"Even we get clumsy sometimes, okay? Tobi has happy meter issues, so when he ingests too much sugar he flails," explained Deidara. "So yeah, we stock up."

Raised eyebrow.

"And you guys can't even save the bottle from being smashed. Pathetic."

"It's also Zetsu-san's fault! His split personality always argues on which hand should be painted first," argued Tobi. "Then Dark-Zetsu-san usually gets aggressive and smashes the bottle by accident."


"…this is unbelievable."

"That is not the point, Miss Yamanaka. We are here to discuss a business proposition." Itachi's eyes were deadly.

"You kidnapped me to discuss business?"

"It was necessary in order to keep in character." Ino gaped openmouthed at the nonchalant reply. Now," he continued, idly flipping through his notes, "It has come to our attention that the production and distribution of a certain color has been recently curtailed."

"…Princess Purple?"

"Yes. And since the publication of Akatsuki for Dummies –"

"Say what?"

He shot her an irritated look. "The handbook dictates that purple nails are part of the Akatsuki formalwear, and therefore each member is required to have a fresh coating of purple nail polish on said nails whenever engaging in Akatsuki activities."

"Why me? You realize you can just swing into a cosmetic store, and purchase some other brand? Believe me, they have hundreds of different shades of the purple you need –so just let me go, damnit." She was seething.

"Unfortunately, Kisame-kun is allergic to an ingredient present in most purple dyes. Princess Purple, on the other hand, utilizes other chemicals and herbs to achieve the same pleasant color."

Did he just say princess and pleasant in the same sentence?

"So you want me to storm crash my father's company, and tell him to continue producing Princess Purple in order to supply Akatsuki's nail polish supply." She revised her statement at the groans and shaking of heads that followed her words. "Fine, I'll tell him that Princess Purple is my absolute new favorite shade, and therefore it is absolutely needed to keep it distributed on the market."

"Precisely." And if you do not, we will find you again. And we will kill you. Actually, Hidan already called dibs on you, so he'll be the one reaping the vengeance."

"…Okay. I get it. I'll do that.

"…So can I go now?"

"Certainly." She took the time to shake his hand before heading out.

"It was nice doing business with you, Miss Yamanaka."

"…The sentiment is returned, Uchiha."

She casually pivoted and cat walked out the door. As soon as she was alone, however, she broke into a mad dash for the nearest town, looking much like a bat out of hell.

Just a typical day in the life of Yamanaka Ino.


A/N: That was...lame. But it's my first crackfic, so yeah. Constructive Criticism is highly valued, and feel free to flame. But if you are to do the latter, please state what I did wrong/displeased you so I can use your review to improve. Thank you.

...and just to repeat myself, please review. It makes my day. :)