(A.N) Just wanna get this off my chest real quick... I've never played any Duke Nukem game. Ever. (well, i've got the demo for Forever)

So the question becomes "Why the hell are you writing for Duke Nukem then?"

Well i've seen footage of the game from You Tube and i've decided to have a go at it (that and i've become addicted to Grabbag. That theme kicks so much ass...)

SHOUT-OUT: Rensider, i know you've already done a one-shot about this. Don't think i'm trying to steal your idea. Please?

Anyway, enjoy non-alien bastards!

The locker rooms of the Detonators stadium were dark. And admittingly smelly, as most locker rooms are. A man walked into this room and turned on the light, revealing the locker room in all of it's non-existant glory. Even the hot-tubs (empty, unfortunatly) did nothing to make the room any more appealing. The man made no time in heading to the object of his current desire.

No, not the latest copy of "Babes, Babes and more fuckin' Babes" laying on the sides of the hot-tubs.

The urinal.

He needed to piss, and he needed to piss now.

Unzipping his blue jeans and pulling out his "weapon of choice" he began to relieve himself, letting loose a consentrated stream into the urinal. From behind his dark aviators the man closed his eyes in relief, then reminded himself why he was here. "Those alien bastards are gonna pay for shooting up my ride" he uttered to himself.

After a few minutes of pissing the man began to get pissed off. He shouldn't have drank that entire six-pack while in space. "This is taking forever!" he shouted, though only he could hear himself "Time to stop pissing aroung and get this big guy back into action!" he declared.

Finally when he had finished pissing he zipped his jeans back up and made his way out, stopping for a minute to admire himself in the mirror (the one that wasn't smashed). His top half was covered in a red sleeveless shirt and a black ammo vest. "Hail to the king baby!" he said to no one in particular.

Duke Nukem exited the locker room and entered the main planning room of the stadium. He could hear two EDF (Earth Defence Force) soldiers talking to eachother. "Alright! Step one: Alpha team straight up the middle! Blake, flank left! Phillips and i head around. That's step two!" one spoke. They were discussing how to fuck-up and kill the Cycloid Emperor who was now above them all on stadium ground. "Step three is... uh...".

"Um... Profit?" the second soldier suggested.

"Right!" the first one agreed "You ready? One,two,three, BREAK!" they yelled and rushed out of the room. Duke walked up to a third soldier who was looking over their plan of "Operation: Cockblock".

The soldier turned and saw Duke approching the whiteboard. "What do ya think Duke? Wanna add something to the board?" he asked him. Duke pushed him aside and said "It's my way or... Hell it's my way!" He then grabbed the rubber and looked at the plans. Through his shades he saw a bunch of circles meant to represent the EDF and a replica of the Cycloid Emperor on the right side. Duke erased all of the circles and instead drew a stick figure holding a stick gun. He gave the figure blonde hair and coloured in it's eyes. Obviously the figure was meant to be him (He even drew a crown on the figure's head and a speech bubble saying "Hail to the king!" coming from it).

When the soldier saw what Duke had written, he didn't know what to say. Then he realised what Duke was getting at with his new plan... somewhat. He praised him. "Oh man! that is just... i mean i don't understand any of it, but i bet if i did, that guy over there would still have his arm" he pointed to an armless soldier lying dead on the floor "and at least one of his balls" the soldier finished. Duke smiled to himself and headed for the doors into the hallway thay lead out onto the playing field. Kicking the doors open he saw more EDF soldiers rushing to the gigantic alien bastard in front of them.

"Holy shit!" one yelled.

"Look at the size of that motherfucker!" another shouted. Duke calmly cracked his kuckles and walked up.

Then a shout of "Incoming!" was heard by all. The Cycloid Emperor slammed it's fists into the ground, causing a shockwave that killed the soldiers and sent Duke flying back.

After clearing his vision of dust and smoke, Duke Nukem got to his black-booted feet and rushed down a halway to the right looking for another way to get up to the Emperor.

Hey pal, what are you gonna do" one still-living soldier asked him as he ran past "Save the world all by yourself?" Duke heard him shout. He ran through the halls of the stadium, witnessing more shootings between EDF's and alien bastards. It was a view to enjoy as he ran past. Eventually he arrived to an EDF secured lift into the playing grounds. On the lift lay a "Devestator" rocket launcher.

"That Devestator's all your's Duke" a soldier said to him.

Grabbing the Devestator and loading it, Duke Nukem smiled to the soldiers who cheered as the lift took him up to face the Cycloid Emperor. Soon the lift arrived at it's destination and Duke found himself staring down the Emperor of the Cycloids. The Emperor looked robotic mostly, with spinning claws and a giant glowing red eye.

Cocking the Devestator one more time Duke uttered his cry. "It's down to you and me you one-eyed freak!".

The Emperor roared at him and perpared to shoot it's rockets, but Duke shot first and unloaded on the Cycloid, Devestator rockets attacking it all over. Then the Emperor managed to return fire, but Duke evaded the alien's attack and shot back once more with the Devestator.

He fired until he could no more, The Devestator was out of ammo. "What the fuck?" He thought angrily. The Cycloid Emperor roared again and fired more of it's own rockets. Duke had no choice but to run away from the Cycloid's rockets. With some skill and luck Duke managed to evade them. Then he heard a radio transmission over the stadium speakers. "Come in Duke Nukem! This is Yankee one-niner. Ammo resupplies are on the way!".

"Thank Fuck" Duke thought to himself. As the Cycloid roared once again, Duke decided to get cocky and threw up his middle finger at it. The alien bastard responded with another roar and more rockets that barely missed him.

The speakers spoke again. "Duke! Ammo resupplies are dropped! Red smoke marks the spot."

From his current position Duke could see the red smoke in a corner not far from him. He ran to the ammo and quickly loaded his Devestator. During this Duke got suspicious of the Emperor. It was no longer firing rockets at him, even now when he was open for attack while loading his weapon. Then Duke saw why, the Cycloid Emperor had unveiled jets on it's back and was now preparing a charge attack. Duke finished loading his weapon and quickly fled the charging Emperor which ended up missing Duke by centimetres.

Now royally pissed off Duke unloaded on the Cycloid once again. 48 out of 69 rockets attacked the Emperor until it fired back. Managing to dodge the Cycloid's attack, Duke lead it to the center of the arena and fired the rest of the Devestator's rockets at it. This proved to be enough as the Emperor then fell to it's knees in front of Duke.

Duke then climbed the Emperor and found it's weak point: a tri-connected set of tubes. Wrapping his hands around them, Duke pulled at them with all his strength. Once he had ripped them out Duke was flung off of the Emperor as it stood back up. The Cycloid Emperor then groaned and fell again, it's eye (with cord) landing in a puddle of it's own blood. Duke looked at it and smiled. Then he got an idea...

Duke got a few feet behind the eye, positioned himself, ran up and kicked the eye of the Cycloid Emperor in the direction of the goal posts. The eye flew gracefully through them.

"It's good!" Duke shouted in victory.


Back in the mansion of Duke Nukem, the Duke himself had finished playing the first level of his new video game: Duke Nukem Forever. Putting his controller down, Duke turned his attention to finishing something else.

"Ohh yeah.. that's it. Right there... Ohhhh." he moaned as he came. He heard a girl cough before swallowing his load.

"That was fun!" Mary Holsom said, looking up at Duke. "Was it good for you baby?" she asked him. He could only nod. Mary's sister, Kate Holsom, stood up and asked another, more important question. "What about the game Duke? Was it any good?"

Duke smiled.

"Yeah. But after twelve fuckin' years it should be!"

(A.N) The end! Was it good for you?