This is what comes of having an uncooperative muse and watching The Full Monty. If you've seen the movie you will know what scene inspired me when you get to the end of the story. I don't usually do crack!fic but I think that's what this really is.

The blame for this story falls entirely on Anonymous033.

I do not own NCIS or any portion thereof.

Two Cups of Coffee and a Long Ride

Tony felt the need to empty his bladder. Soon. They were deep in the woods of the Shenandoah Valley nowhere near a men's room so he looked around to see if he could just let fly. Ziva was not to be seen, McGee was off to his left a few feet and Gibbs squatted down looking at what seemed to be a broken stick maybe 10-12 yards away. Or maybe just kneeling down praying for a fresh cup of coffee to appear out of the thin clear air high in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

He didn't like to pee when Ziva was nearby. She often surprised him and he'd jerk, and well jerking when you're peeing is not good. Once it took a month to get the smell out of his Italian loafers. Why she liked sneaking up on him while he was urinating he did not know, but she did. The snarky comments she often made were unwelcome and unhelpful. And to make matters worse, she never let him creep up on her in similar circumstances. Not that he would or anything.

However, she was not here now so he stepped behind a large oak tree and unzipped, sighing as he pulled The Big DiNozzo out, aimed at a particularly obnoxious looking weed, and released a strong, steady stream. Damn, nothing felt better than a good piss when you'd had 2 cups of coffee and then a long ride with Gibbs behind the wheel.

Next thing he knew, there was a second yellow-tinted stream mirroring his and it was actually going further. He frowned. His eyes followed the human geyser back to its source and he found McGee. McDribble was smiling his superior M.I.T./Johns-Hopkins grads can pee further than you can smile.

Jutting out his jaw, Tony raised his trajectory a little and began outdistancing McPeePee by a good 2 inches. The Probie squinted and angled his McMunchkin into a better firing position too. The two of them were neck and neck now, so to speak, but his enemy's pipe line pressure seemed to be weakening. McGee gave a loud grunt and huffed and his stream increased again and definitely moved past Tony's longest splatter mark.

Not going to happen, McGee. So NOT going to happen. Tony took a deep breath, strained, and managed a final spurt a good inch and a half beyond what either of them had done so far. The sharp ammonia tang of their combined efforts stung his nose and made his eyes water, just a little.

Finishing, he shook off with a flourish, letting the dribbles go where they would. McGee petered out too. Tony shot him a triumphant smile. No doubt who won that pissing con…

Suddenly from behind a large bush on his other side came another golden shower, hitting the ground with a soft pit-pit-pit noise at least an inch beyond where Tony had been able to reach when trying his hardest. And it continued for a good minute or so before it abruptly cut off. Then the metal on metal sound of a sliding zipper was heard.

As he stuffed The Big D back in his pants - damn, that last drop always ran down the inside of your thigh - Tony turned to McGee. The Probie shrugged. Tony nodded. Of course, Gibbs would always win any pissing contest. No doubt about it. But he could be comforted in the fact that he had beaten McGee…again.

Glancing around he saw Gibbs even further away than before, vanishing over the hilltop as he followed some invisible to anyone but Gibbs trail. Tony started to yell something at him but then heard footsteps from behind. McGee came to stand beside him as Ziva came out of the brush, fastening her belt.


McGee's slack-jawed look seemed to mirror how his own face felt. Ziva peed standing up? Ziva could out piss him AND McGee? Just how big a set of balls did she have anyway? And, more importantly, where did she keep them hidden in those tight pants?

McGee, his cheeks now a bright red, went back over to where he'd left the camera and picked it up, said something about taking more pictures.

Ziva winked at Tony in passing as she followed Gibbs' trail.

Ziva peed standing up. Wow. He shoulda guessed. Shaking his head he grabbed his backpack. It was kinda funny and kinda weird and maybe just the tiniest bit exciting and he wondered how much she'd hurt him if he asked her for a demonstration someday. Not that he would or anything. He shuddered in anticipation and then followed her jaunty ass down the mountain.