Hey, guys! Long time no see, huh? Unfortunately, procrastination struck, as well as the unfortunate fact that the cutscenes in Okamiden move way too fast for me to copy down, and I've been too lazy to go onto youtube and copy everything down while I've had access to the internet. Lame excuses aside, I figured you all deserve something from me after my being a complete ghost in the Okami archive, so here, have some OACA bloopers. (Keep in mind that I really didn't get that far with these. Whenever I sat down to write them, I could only make one or two at a time before giving up. But seriously, have you guys tried reading this entire fanfiction in one go? [While adding derpy scenes in, nonetheless.] One does not simply complete an OACA-athon within one day.)
Well, that being said, enjoy the small amount of outtakes I managed to write up.
"Am I invisible here?!" I muttered.
"Yes." Everyone present chorused.
"…I hate you all."
"Well, whaddya think? Even cuter than the real thing, no?"
"No." I said, just to see what would happen.
The entire fanfiction was then canceled. It was between that and forcing Amaterasu to drag a corpse around with her. What'd you expect?
"O, great god Amaterasu…" Sakuya said, glowing pink. "I've used almost all the power I have to protect Kamiki Village. The village lives on. Their spirits lie encased in my fruit."
"Wow," I interrupted with a frown. "They must be pretty cramped, huh?"
The wood sprite promptly facepalmed.
I exchanged glances with Amaterasu.
"Come on." She said simply, and walked into a portal at the base of the tree.
"Well, here goes nothing." I ran into the portal after my partner.
-ten seconds later-
"CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW WE ENDED UP IN APERTURE LABORATORIES?-!"
"It's not my fault the world is ending." I replied, running farther away from my companions.
Out of nowhere, the author ran in, loudly singing, "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT~"
"Alright, who let her on set?-!"
"Whoa, whoa, hold on there, Furball! Get a load of that! That chest looks mighty tempting."
The sound of the facepalm that resulted was much louder than I thought possible for a poncle.
"O-okay…" I took a deep breath, then jumped. MY claws dug into the rocky wall and before I knew what had happened I was at the top.
And once again, the author stormed on set. "Yeah, guys! Her claws! Not anyone else's!"
"Are you going to run on set and point out any typos made now?" Celia snapped, glaring at Desi.
The other girl just grinned broadly. "Yes. Yes, I am."
Celia sighed through her double facepalm. "I figured as much."
"So, how do we open the chest?" Ammy ran into it and the top flipped over. A small bone came out. "…Someone please explain how a chest has bones."
"Pfffffffffffffft." Issun fell off Ammy's head.
"ISSUN. CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MIND CLEAN FOR MORE THAN FIVE SECONDS?" I spazzed.
"But wow! Look at the stars twinkle!" I looked up and saw four starts in a pattern. "I haven't seen such a beautiful nighttime sky in ages. Hey…are those stars forming a constellation, or is it just me?" He was quiet for a minute while staring at the sky.
I looked up and scanned the sky. "…Nope, it's just you."
There was a brief awkward silence before we walked back down to the River of Heavens to figure out what the heck to do next.
"There's no stoppin' me once I've made a decision! But enough about me! Now that you've mastered the powerslash technique, you can cut down that thing Sakuya was talking about."
"I believe it's called a fruit, Issun."
"I believe your face is called a fruit." He shot back.
"I believe your mom is called a bug."
"Buuuuurn." Ammy commented.
Once we were outside, I saw a blinking red arrow in front of me. I looked at it skeptically.
"That better just be instinct…"
Out of nowhere, the arrow jumped up while growing arms, legs, and a face. It grabbed a random hat and cane and started dancing to music while Ammy, Issun, and I just stared.
"That's it. The author has gone mad." I decided under my breath.
"Okay, whaddya think you're doing?"
"I don't know." I replied. "What, I can't tackle a statue?"
The world exploded.
"And that's why you never tackle a statue." Issun deadpanned.
"Let's go to higher ground so we can take a look!" The arrow appeared once more, this time wearing a clown suit while it somehow juggled about fifty multi-colored balls.
I then proceeded to bash my head against the nearest rock. "Someone just kill me now."
"What about me?" I whimpered. Wait, why'd I whimper?...um, random mood swing? Yeah, let's go with that…
"ACTUALLY, IT'S A FAILED ATTEMPT AT IMPLYING THE LATER PAIRING." The author announced, marching up behind us.
"I thought I told you to stay off the set!" I growled at the moron.
(The next few minutes are too violent for the rating of this story. We're sorry for the inconvenience. Have a nice day!)
"I'll work with Silver." He grumbled.
"And I'll try to tolerate Issun." I said in the same excited tone.
I heard someone backstage whisper, "And then develop a crush on him~"
"DESI. DO WE NEED TO REPEAT WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME?"
"I was being quiet!"
"You were stage whispering and you know it!"
The author walked out into sight, grinned, and promptly started singing, "I stage whisper and I know it~"
(The next few minutes are too violent for the rating of this story. Again. Excuse the idiotic author and easily aggravated OC. They don't make the best duo.)
"Issun! Are you and the wolf together?" Kushi asked.
The synchronized, "NO." was so loud, it could've been heard from atop the sacred deck.
"Dumb wolves…" She muttered.
"Thanks for the compliment!" I barked sarcastically, but I knew she wouldn't understand.
If you listened closely, there was a record scratch somewhere in the distance.
Ammy and I ran up the path to find a giant boulder blocking the way and a statue of a fat dude trying to move it. Yeah, like that rock was going to actually be moved any time soon, much less by someone who didn't get the memo that the sun was finally out.
"Heave! Heave! This is weird! My mind really wants to shift this rock, but my body won't cooperate. It's like I'm made of lead!"
Ammy and I shared glances and a brief awkward silence commenced before I finally said, "I'm not sure what to comment on: the fact that the statue just talked or the irony of that sentence."
Ba dum crash~
Ammy and I ran up the path to find a giant boulder blocking the way and a fat dude trying to move it. Yeah, like that rock was going to actually be moved any time soon.
"Heave! Heave! This is weird! My mind really wants to shift this rock, but my body won't cooperate. It's like I'm made of lead!"
SUDDENLY IMPS. IN CHRISTMAS COLORS.
The author barged in at that moment. "No, no, no!" She interrupted the scene. (The imps seemed thoroughly confused by the turn of events, which was actually a pretty comical sight.) "It doesn't matter how funny that line is, we're not ripping off Okami: Abridged now! Alright, people! Let's take it from the top!" She announced, walking off the stage with an annoyed frown on her face.
"Waitaminute!" Issun yelled. "I thought Take wasn't coming in until chapter 12!"
Everyone present promptly facepalmed, including Ammy and me. (We both broke our legs in the process and had to go to the vet, but in situations that plain stupid, you just can't help but facepalm.)
"Hey, you two suddenly started glowing!" Issun shouted in our ears like we had hearing problems or something. At this rate, we would. "That means your divine attributes can be enhanced!"
"Oh, really?" I raised an eyebrow. "I was getting the impression it meant glowing is apparently contagious."
I'm pretty sure Issun was the one to facepalm this time.
"Here, I'll show you what I mean. Let's try enhancing your divine attributes! You can enhance any attribute you want! Solar energy, ink, astral pouch, or purse."
I looked at Ammy. "Ink?"
"Ink." She nodded.
"Ink it is, then." I suddenly felt slightly more powerful.
…That was anticlimactic.
"Ah…I feel as light as a feather now!" The statue said.
"Can someone please replace the statue with the real merchant?" I groaned in annoyance. "It was funny the first time, but now it's just getting ridiculous."
"If anyone can do something about this rock, it's him."
"Then it seems like the boulder is here to stay." Issun said. "But seriously, that's strange. This boulder wasn't here before…"
Cue the hopefully instinct-made arrow! This time wearing a speedo while the song "I'm Sexy and I Know It" played!
No one present will ever be able to un-see the horror.
"Get a load of this guy." Issun said. "All brain and no brawns."
There was a brief pause.
"Issun, be honest. Did you read the script?" I deadpanned.
"…I figured as much."
I swear, I saw a light bulb appear above my head… and promptly fall, crashing onto my head. There were a few stars in my vision before I went unconscious.
"Prepare to taste the wrath of my trusty blade, Tohenboku!"
Little did Susano realize he had left his sword back at his house. Whoops.
"It's the sad truth." Wait, Ammy was joining in one of Issun and my arguments? Hurry, get a video camera! Post it on youtube!
…oh, wait. Okami takes place in ancient Japan, doesn't it? Darn. I'd have to settle for fanfiction when I got back.
"Hey, guys!" The author stage whispered from the side. "Spoilers~"
"ALRIGHT, MORON. GET OVER HERE."
(More censored violence. Sorry. Again. Really, the stupid author angry OC thing just doesn't work.)
"He shouldn't get all puffed up. He's nothing without us." Issun commented. "Think he'll be okay?" The monsters outside the village are nasty."
"He'll be fine." I said. "People that cocky just never seem to die."
"Like you, Issun!"
"Tr—HEY, YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"
"Why I oughtta-!"
"…I have a feeling this is a bad time, isn't it?" Sakuya, who had just arrived on scene, deadpanned.
"I hardly think your participation had any impact, little bug." She wasn't amused.
"It's Issun! Issun, Issun, Issun! Stop calling me a bug!" His aura was red. "I'll crawl back into your kimono if you say that again!"
"So you do admit to being a bug!" I yelled, pointing at him with a paw.
He took a second to process this. "…DANGIT."
"Great and powerful Amaterasu and Celia! Could I be so bold as to request your assistance in rejuvenating these guardian saplings by lifting the curse that enslaves them?"
An awkward silence ensued.
"…Y'see, this is why we read our scripts."
"Oh shut up."
"Bah…I'm always itchin' for a good fight, but…I sure don't wanna poke my nose into this mess!" I heard Issun talking to himself.
"Bugs don't even have noses." I pointed out dully.
"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-" I wish I could've seen Issun's expression right then, if only to watch him attempting an internet meme.
"That was a demon scroll." Issun explained. "But I guess you already know what it is, judging by how fast you ran away."
"Ammy did tell me to run." I pointed out, slightly raising an eyebrow at the poncle.
"Anyway, it's bad karma, man. You could be attacked if you went in."
"So we're going in, right?"
Issun interrupted Ammy's answer with a loud, "HECK NO!"
"…Really, Issun. You need to read your script. We have those things for a reason."
Five minutes later, Issun, soaked with wolf slobber, bounced off to go figure out his lines.
"Hey, Issun!" He came back.
"Yeah, Silver? This better be good." I whispered something to him. "…you can't be serious. You wasted my time for that?"
"Please!" I gave him puppy dog eyes.
"…fine." He bounced back to Nameless man, talked for a minute, and came back. "Yourface. His name is Yourface."
I looked over at the stream that was next to me. The water looked really gross, like a cross between mud and tar. And I stupidly decided to poke my paw into it for reasons I still can't figure out to this day.
"Bleh!" I tried to shake it off my paw. "This is so gross!" The stuff refused to come off no matter how hard I shook. I gave a small whimper.
"You've gotta be kidding me, Silver." Issun groaned when he saw me. "Why'd you put your paw in there in the first place?!"
"Uhh…" I took five seconds trying to think of a reasonable explanation before deciding on, "Leap before you think?"
"That isn't mentioned until after we restore Hana Valley!" Issun argued.
"Oh, so now you know everything there is to know about the script."
"Hey, check out that tree! It's moving!"
"Ammy, look at that bug! It's talking!"
Still wanted to see that expression.
"Er…I mean, to train!" Susano tried to cover up his mistake.
"I like trains."
Two seconds later, Ammy, Issun, and I were all hit by a train. How that got into Nippon is beyond me.
"Hey, you two, check out this wall painting." Ammy and I actually listened to Issun for once and walked up to the painting. It looked pretty cool without the goop. "It's said that a crystal sphere that makes trees grow is enshrined somewhere around here. Based on this painting here, I'd say the rumor must be true. Still, something's not right. Don't you think there's something missing from this painting? Wait…I know! The sun! That's what's missing! Doesn't it just make you wanna draw it in yourself?"
"I haven't seen anything remotely like a sacred tree around here." Issun complained.
"I've seen a bug."
"WILL YOU DROP THAT?-!"
Guess who was in the next room?
Guess what he was doing?
Who was for whatever odd reason in the room with him?
I would offer you people cookies, but I seriously doubt anyone got that third answer right.
What did he do next?
He ran off laughing.
What did Yourface do next?
He was run over by a random train.
The non-existent cake goes to whoever guessed the second answer correctly!
"What the?! Who turned out the lights?" Issun demanded.
"Your face." The author randomly called from the side.
I turned towards her, prepared to powerslash the moron in half, before she pointed to something behind me. On turning around, I discovered Yourface standing there with his hand on a light switch embedded in the cliffside.
And that was when I decided all of Yourface's random appearances were getting just plain redundant.
"Ah…Amaterasu. Origin of all that is good and mother to us all…and Celia, descendant of the sun and moon…my gratitude for releasing my body from its slumber."
"You're welcome, Sleeping Beauty."
"Maybe it'll make the withered Guardian Sapling blossom, too!"
"Well, there's only one way to find out!" I said, drawing a circle with my tail around the tree. It immediately burst into pink petals, and then the area around it began to be revived.
I wish someone would've warned me that revival apparently included an army of instinct-induced arrows to rise from the ground dancing Gangnam Style.
The worst part? Issun joined in. And I had the strangest feeling he was staring at me when he sang "Eeeeey sexy lady."
"Hey, Ammy, Silver…what about that withered Guardian Sapling outside? I bet you two could revive it like you did this one! And by bringing that guardian sapling back to life, we might be able to lift the curse there, too! What are we waiting for? Leap before you think, right?"
"I thought the saying was 'think before you leap'…" I trailed.
"Didn't you say leap before you think a few minutes ago?-!" Issun pointed out.
"Well excuuuuuuuuuse me, bug."
"Why do I get the feeling I'm going to die before this adventure is over?" I groaned.
"Because you do! Chapter 18!" The author called from off the set.
"CAN YOU PLEASE STOP GIVING SPOILERS?-! Alright, take two…"
Cool, I almost said, but then stopped myself. If Issun was going to ignore me, then I would compliment his ideas.
I sent a menacing glare in the direction of the noise. "Alright, author, you're the one who made the typo in the first place, so quit laughing."
"You mean like the time you felt a small nude to your shoulder?" Judging by the crash I heard, I guessed she must've fallen out of her chair laughing.
If I were in human form, I would've thrown up my arms in exasperation. "Well, so much for good thing I haven't finished and submitted this chapter yet. Now all the readers know about that typo. What do you have to say for yourself, moron?"
"I like trains."
It took us a couple weeks to fix up the set from the random train that came crashing through.
(The author apologizes for any confusion that may have spawned from the previous blooper. Long story short, while the first chapter of OCCA was being written, there was a horrible typo of "nude" instead of "nudge." Figure out the rest for yourself.)
"Whoa, Ammy. Hold on!" We both stopped before a patch of dead grass, complete with a creepy cow skull. "Hana Valley looks so much better now, but…what about this gloomy patch of grass?"
"It can go dine in a hole with its nonexistent boyfriend."
And from this point forward, both author and OC agreed that no more inside jokes should be put into the bloopers.
"But it si most enjoyable to talk in this manner." I protested in the same tone of voice.
"Si. Apparently we're all speaking Spanish now."
"Now you just sound too proper. And you've got weird accents."
Now sporting a top hat and monocle, I added, "Like a sir."
"I am afraid there are more urgent matters to attend to at the moment."
"Like what, Amaterasu?"
"Like the fact that our third companion seems to be a bug."
"Aww, Ammy! Not you, too!"
"What is this?" Ammy asked as she sniffed at what came out of the chest.
For the fiftieth time that day, the author decided to stagewhisper, "Your face."
And, indeed, Yourface was lying beside the treasure chest for whatever reason.
"…Bob. Please, quit interrupting us. Do you have any idea what take we're on by now?"
"So, are we gonna bloom this thing, or what?" Issun asked in an impatient tone. Amaterasu used bloom on the tree, and then the magic happened. AKA instinct-induced arrows once again rising from the ground wearing pink fairy outfits. They whacked us over the head with their plastic wands before flying away.
I'm starting to question my own sanity.