Finally, some pure and utter crack! I've been waiting for its demented head to rear again, and it has come. :'D It's awfully written, but hey ho the jet has flown. GAH.

It is also short. Hideously short, but it makes sense to finish where it does. Enjoy (hopefully)!


'OPTIMUS! If I have to come and find you, you are in even deeper trouble!'

Lennox peered around the corner of the main air hangar, catching sight of the massive Decepticon stamping about just beyond the perim-

Or jumping over the perimeter fence and slamming into the ground, whichever.

A hand firmly pulled him back to the metal wall.

'You want him to see you?' Epps readied his weapons for the fourth time. 'Man, we shoulda seen an attack comin' here-'

'I think he probably knows we're here anyway,' Lennox pointed out, taking into account the superior technologies available to the alien. 'But what the hell is he waiting for?'

'Where the hell are the Autobots?'

'OPTIMUS! I grow tired of your insolence!'

'Do we know which one it is?' Epps suddenly asked.

Lennox thought back through the countless briefings and identification sessions the Autobots had tirelessly worked on producing. 'I think it's Megatron.'

'Shit,' the other man said eloquently. '...How can you tell? Decepticons all look the same to me.'

'He's big, silver and mean.'

'Exactly my point. They're all the same.'

'Well, only one 'con I know of calls Optimus by name,' Lennox said.

'Wait up,' Epps replied, 'what does that matter?'

'It might be personal. Look, he's not killing anyone.'

'Yet... where is Prime anyway?'

'No clue. Could be talking strategies through with Ratch or 'hide.'

'Why would Megatron come here by himself? There's gotta be some trick here, I don't like it.'

'OPTIMUS!' the mech continued roaring at a deafening volume as he trampled a bush. 'OPTIMUS, get out here before the mighty Megatron kicks all your sand into the sea and you don't have anything left to hide on!'

The humans suddenly noticed the aforementioned Autobot slowly emerge out of another hangar and approach the intruder with graceful care.

'Be ready to cover him,' Lennox muttered softly, and his few men discreetly prepared themselves for an offensive, adjusting their firearms.

As he ventured closer, Prime warily raised his hands slightly in as non-offensive gesture as he could manage, and eyed his furious brother closely, evaluating the danger. 'What do you want, Megatron?'

'Your spark.'

'Oh,' Optimus said after a moment. 'I'm confused; I thought we had established that eons ago. You came all this way to remind me?'

The silver mech twitched some of his claws; they scraped together with a harsh grating. 'Today I am here on another matter.'

'Being?' prompted the Autobot hastily (quite reasonably, as clouds were gathering overhead and he was almost sure it was going to rain).

'Don't rush me! You're acting like you have something better to do, Prime, which upsets me. Have you no time for a chat with your nemesis?'

'It isn't like that at all,' Optimus quickly assured. 'I was simply evaluating the turbulent weather. I think we shall have a heavy shower in the next minute.'

Megatron scowled. 'I believe my business will take longer than a minute.'

'In that case-'

The sky rumbled; an ominous drop of rain hit Optimus directly on his faceplate, which he had drawn with starting speed and prescience. He did not like rain.

'Would you like to come in?' the Autobot asked, gesturing at the building behind. 'The rain here isn't corrosive, but it is still a discomfort if it runs into the tiny crevices.'

Megatron blinked. 'That would be nice. How accommodating of you.'

So Autobot and Decepticon both strolled swiftly into the main hangar, much to the surprise of everyone in the vicinity.

'Welcome to my humble abode,' Prime said, gesturing about, apparently oblivious to the fleeing lifeforms below. 'Here is where the humans communicate with us.'

'You communicate with fleshies?'

'They have much to say. And through there is our place of rest-'

'Who cleans this place?'

Optimus thought momentarily, taken aback by something he had not previously considered. 'Humans, I suppose.'

'So you do keep them as slaves.'

'We did not order nor ask them to,' Prime protested. 'They do so of their own volition, I assume-'

'Your base would be quite tidy without being littered so by flesh,' Megatron commented. 'I could aid you-'

'Fles- humans are not litter,' Optimus corrected. 'They are small but incredible, and you would do well to cease demeaning them.'

'Don't you patronise me, runtling. Respect your elders.'

'I'm not patronising you, it is just a fact. You should respect humans.'

'No. Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do.'

'Megatron, that's pathetic.'

'You're pathetic.'

Optimus was abruptly aware of Major Lennox leaping up and down beside his pede and waving an arm (clearly trying to get his attention without aggravating Megatron).

'Major?'

Lennox squawked. 'Optimus-'

'Indeed.' Prime knelt down towards the agitated, nearly bouncing man; something was clearly distressing him. 'What ails you?'

'That- that's Megatron, right?'

'You haven't been properly acquainted,' the Autobot realised, inwardly admonishing himself. Humans felt uncomfortable in unfamiliar social surroundings. 'Of course! Major Lennox, this is Megatron. Megatron, this is Major Lennox.'

'Tell me, squishy, would you scream if I impaled you upon a claw?'

The human eyed Optimus, bravely ignoring the gigantic demon just behind him. 'This can't be for real- why is he in here?'

'It is raining outside,' Prime explained. 'It would be rude to leave him out in the downpour.'

'Rude? You're worried about appearing rude? Optimus, you feeling okay-? Is he blackmailing you into this?'

'Megatron does not have blackmail on me,' the Autobot explained kindly. 'He just wants to confer with me.'

'Then I may seek you, fleshbag, and end your life.'

Admirably repressing the urge for his knees to collapse under him, Lennox gestured rudely whilst Optimus narrowed his optics.

'Megatron.'

'What?' the silver mech demanded. 'I do not like them.'

'Perhaps they do not like you.'

'Difference is they cannot kill me,' Megatron pointed out maturely, 'and don't bring up the boy. That never happened.'

'It did,' Optimus protested. 'I-'

'You saw nothing.' The Decepticon raised a claw, overriding further dissent. 'Don't provoke me.'

As the argument continued, a disturbed and bewildered Lennox edged behind the only other mech present; fortunately one he trusted unreservedly. Ironhide's cannons bristled, but were oddly powered down.

''hide, is this for real?' he managed to ask.

The black Autobot considered the scene ruefully. 'I have seen odder occurrences in my existence.'

Prime ventilated forcefully. 'Why have you come to us?'

'You have left me scarred,' Megatron said after a brief pause.

'Eh?'

'My face, Prime. You have ruined my face. Do you remember blowing half of it off? The scarring is apparently permanent; I hope you are satisfied.'

'You left me fairly mentally scarred,' Optimus retorted, albeit slightly guiltily. 'Your face reflects how my psyche looks.'

'This is not amusing.'

'I was not laughing.'

'Do you really think my face looks hideous?'

'No,' Prime said.

'You're lying.'

'No-o.'

'That is it,' Megatron said. 'I had not wanted it to come to this, but your flippancy leaves me no other choice. Brother, I am suing you.'

'Excuse me?'

'I am suing you. I demand compensation for the loss of my face and all that it has taken from my future.'

'Let us not be hasty,' a flustered Optimus exclaimed, 'can we work this out no other way?'

'Battle to the death?'

'I concede.'

'Cybertronian court on neutral territory,' Megatron announced. 'Agreeable?'

'But- you started this,' Prime blurted. 'I merely retaliated!'

'You've ruined my future!'

'You've ruined everything! You can't sue me, I'm suing you-'

'Do what you like,' the Decepticon sniffed, 'but it'll be two orns from now. Plenty of time to prepare your case. Understand?''

'Two? That's no time at all!'

'That's what you get when you mess with the best,' the silver mech said maturely.

Flabbergasted, Optimus could only stare mutely.

'Wonderful. I won't have much trouble winning if you lose your capacity to speak.'

And with a malicious cackle Megatron marched away, presumably intending to return to his base, wherever it was. Unfortunately, he had also chosen a path leading him to the ocean, which he didn't seem to realise until it was too late and the monstrosity was surrounding him.

'Water!' he cried hysterically, pulling his cannon out of subspace and proceeding to shoot the waves. 'How did you find me? Get away-!'

'Dear God,' Lennox said (unable to hear the mech, he could only see the giant Decepticon blasting at the tide in what he assumed was unanswerable rage). 'He managed to contain that well.'

Optimus was still speechless and apparently frozen, so Ironhide eventually took it upon himself to approach the increasingly crazed tyrant and kindly point him in the right direction, one heading away from the water.

'It plagues you, too?' Megatron demanded. 'Curse this planet and its wetness.'

Although not overly one for vanity, Ironhide's cannons shifted uneasily as he remembered a certain small dog. 'Such liquids do cause terrible rust.'

The only indication of Prime's increasing incredulity was his suddenly twitching optic. Lennox glanced up in concern as the huge Autobot swayed suddenly.

'You okay? ...Optimus?' Receiving no response, Lennox ran, howling for Ratchet.

'Don't even talk to me about rust!' the Decepticon howled, claws clenching in reflex. 'Why, it is so hard to be rid of. Do you know how long it takes Starscream to file away at it with a-'

'I know exactly what you mean,' Ironhide responded eagerly. 'Filing was so tideous, so now I have resorted to-'

Soon after this- and after a wonderful conversation debating the best ways to defeat the Evils of Rust- Megatron finally stomped back the way he had come in what might have been a dignified evil exit ( had he not marched into the fence). However, he gamely kept striding, resulting in several trips as the metal tangled itself around his pedes.

No one was exactly sure at which point Optimus had fainted, but the body was discovered alone by a terrifyingly irate Ratchet.
(Nobody was safe for a good while after this; painful wrenches were painful.)


Actually, isn't Lennox a Colonel now or something? Talk about speedy rank-climber. P:

You know you want to see Prowl as a judge and Ratchet acting as a court doctor among other wonderful things; this will happen if you splodge a review out. C;
Frankly it'll happen anyway, but it would be nice, you know. (;

Also; what do you most want to see in DotM? I want Optimus+Megatron to actually have a conversation without wanting to kill each other. And have a hug. I want them to hug. Is that too much?