Disclaimer: I own nothing, and I'm bashing it all. You've been warned. Don't mind me. I was just stuck at a hospital earlier and bored. This is really just for my head.
A YEAR IN REVIEW
INT. MCKINLEY HIGH—CHOIR ROOM—MAY 24, 2011 10:03 PM EST DIRECTLY FOLLOWING "NEW YORK"
Rachel: Please take your seats so our annual post season meeting can begin. Try to sit in the designated area. Adult characters in the top row, reoccurring guest stars in the middle, and everyone else in the front.
Rachel stands in the middle of the floor and watches as everyone takes their seats. From left to right in the front row sits Finn, Quinn, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, Puck, Santana, Brittany, and Kurt. The second row sits Sam, Lauren, Mike, Blaine, Karofsky, and Jesse. The top row sits Sue, Will, Emma, Terri, Beiste, and Burt.
Rachel: Yes, Jesse?
Jesse: Where are the rest of the guest stars? I was looking forward to engaging in a conversation with Britney-
Brittany: I'm right here.
Jesse: The other Britney.
Jesse: I thought I could perhaps talk to her about collaborating on an album together. Or at least criticize her comeback.
Mercedes: Why in the hell is he here? He made it into three episodes.
Artie: Because he's one of the few guest stars to actually have a purpose.
Rachel: Jesse, I'm afraid to inform you that I neglected to notify the famous guest stars we had this year of this meeting as they already stole too much of my screen time, and since that I am the centerfold of this meeting-
Will: Yeah, can we talk about that? You know, I used to be the other lead on this show, and now-
Santana: Nobody cares about the adults.
Rachel: My fellow Glee characters, we have much to discuss. Mainly my character. Now-
Mike: Wait. Before we get into that, I'm still confused about how there were two show choirs from Ohio at Nationals earlier.
Rachel: Mike, those types of questions and complaints are to be saved for next week when we have our meeting on improbable plotting. Today we're only here for character inconsistency and assassination.
Sue: Like my poor, sweet Jean.
Rachel: Well no, that would've been literal. I'm referring more to how we've all been drastically out of character for most of this year. Take myself for example. I-
Santana: Can we maybe talk about how I'm a lesbian now? Because I'm down with it and everything, but I went from liking both men and women to being 100% gay in about two episodes.
Kurt: That was probably another one of those tell 'em but don't show 'em moments.
Santana: Whatever. My point is-
Mercedes: Can you shut the hell up please? Your character was the only thing that saved the back half of this season, and you really don't have no room to complain.
Santana: Fine. Then I'll complain about the first half of the season like when I was hung up on Hudson for a few episodes there. Plus, I was like super mean, and I understand that I'm like a flawless bitch and everything, but I think I went a little far for a second there. Like when I told Berry that I screwed Finn which still doesn't even make any sense. There was no motivation for me to even tell you at that exact moment.
Puck: Well something had to go down to add in some drama so Sectionals could be as nerve racking as last year's.
Kurt: As if finding my replacement wasn't enough.
Mercedes: Well at least y'all had storylines at that point. You had something to do. You know what I did this year? Fall in love with tater-tots, become an extreme diva, and randomly get together with Sam. This is just another one of those relationships that only happens because together, it's one thing to worry about, but apart, it's two. I don't even think I have anything in common with him. I like food, and he cries about eating Cool Ranch Doritos.
Sam: To be fair, my character could've changed since then. That was back when they had no idea what to do with me.
Puck: Whatever. You've been shoving me in the back all freakin' year. First you steal my girl which means you're stealing my screen time because everything revolves around relationships on our show. Like seriously. Do you guys remember when I was kinda important?
Sam: It's not my fault they put me with Quinn. The only reason I was supposed to be here was because I was supposed to be Kurt's boyfriend. Then I was made Finn's rival; then I was told to be myself until a weak later when they made me a total douche to give Finn a storyline; then I was shoved in the back until my family was randomly poor.
Puck: Hey man, I went to juvie which was like eight steps back for my character.
Mercedes: Hi, yeah. Did you guys miss the part about the tater-tots? Can I please go back to that?
Finn: Why are they all still talking? Did they not even watch you and me this year?
Quinn: I don't know, but if I was allowed to be happy I'd laugh at all of them acting like they had it so bad.
Finn: Well you could maybe cry about it and yet remain emotionless all at once.
Quinn: I am so sick of crying. I think I'm moving in on Kurt Territory.
Burt: Which reminds me, can we all try and figure out a way to stop having my son cry?
Sue: Only if you care to explain what happened to your wife. I'm beginning to suspect she's hiding under your floor boards.
Finn: No, my mom's fine. It's just our family dynamic isn't allowed to be seen unless it applies to Kurt's storyline.
Kurt: Which can I just say is a complete and utter waste? Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to finally have a relationship like the rest of you, but I wouldn't mind having more family moments on the show.
Rachel: Yes, or perhaps friendships.
Will: Rachel! You cannot say the F-word.
Santana: Oh, now you're stepping in to reprimand us? But me ripping everyone to tears is fine with you?
Will: No one's controlling me right now. The only reason I wait so long in those scenes is because the plot needs to move along.
Tina: Well, why don't you show up late? At least then you won't look like a terrible teacher.
Sue: If William shows up late, then the audience will completely forget about his pathetic existence.
Rachel: Mr. Schuester, I understand your pain, but if we could please get back to how my character has suffered this year. It all started in my first scene of the year when the fowl and loathsome Jacob Ben Israel was interviewing me. I-
Lauren: I remember when I was the equivalent of his character.
Tina: Yeah, can you maybe go back to being the equivalent of his character? Kurt's back at McKinley now, and I really don't think it's fair that we know more about you than me. Sometimes I even forget my last name.
Brittany: I miss not having a last name.
Kurt: I miss when you weren't stuck either being a child or a cartoon character.
Sue: Thanks, Porcelain. Speaking of being a cartoon, I used to blow everyone away with my many talents and divine sense of humor. Would one of you please care to explain to me how I wound up wanting to shoot my prized cheerios out of a cannon?
Quinn: Yeah and if someone could tell me why I rejoined the cheerios only to quit a few weeks later, that'd be great too.
Kurt: Well that one's obvious. It's for fashion purposes. Though, I can't say I approve of any of the choices. Brittany always looks as if she's going skiing. Santana looks as if she's been peeled right off of page 7 in Lesbian Magazine circa 1998. And Quinn, you've altered your look into either looking like a grandmother or looking as if you and Rachel share closets. Though, I am pleased that Rachel has cut down on the argyle school girl skirt look and has traded it for simple dresses of Quinn's yesterlook.
Brittany: That totally just made me think of "Comeback" when we had to dress up like Rachel.
Sam: Can we not please? That was the Bieber episode, and I'm not ready to relive that yet.
Quinn: Seriously? You're complaining about that episode? At least you didn't have to fangirl over yourself.
Sam: At least you didn't start dating Santana at the end of it. I mean, where did that even come from?
Kurt: At least you were in it.
Sam: Nope. Missing it would've been the better option.
Rachel: At least I was myself for that week and that week only.
Tina: I don't know, I kind of liked it. I actually had lines and a scene. That never happens. Like I dated Mike the whole year and there were only two scenes with the two of us alone. Every solo I sing gets interrupted.
Quinn: At least you got a solo.
Tina: Quinn, you had plenty of duets this year that you actually got to finish.
Quinn: You're right, I'm sorry.
Finn: Careful. We're only allowed to apologize like once a year, and I'm pretty sure everyone chose to do that during prom.
Kurt: Oh yay, I was hoping someone would bring that disaster up.
Quinn: Whoa, wait. Kurt, you're actually going to complain about prom? Are you kidding me? Is this one of those throw away lines that are supposed to be funny but really aren't?
Kurt: After that acceptance speech I had to give, no.
Santana: Plus, that was the episode me and Britts totally should've gotten our mack on.
Brittany: I know. That was like the perfect moment.
Jesse: Okay, so you didn't get to kiss yet. Big deal. I came back after being kicked out of school because I didn't know I had to go to class. I don't actually recall my character being that stupid.
Finn: Please, we all know the real reason you came back was so that I had another reason to start paying attention to Rachel again.
Jesse: Yes, and why is it that my character must continuously suffer and do terrible out of character things like egging the girl I love just so you can look better?
Artie: Because that's what happens. Why else would I have called Brittany stupid? It was only to distract from the fact that Santana and Brittany, one of the forefront couples, were cheating. The same goes for you for getting in the way of Finn and Rachel. It sucks, but that's just what happens.
Jesse: That's horrid. I'm far more entertaining than Finn is.
Quinn: No way this is happening. Are you two serious? Really? You want to complain about degrading characters to prop other characters up while I'm in the room? Are you fucking serious!?
Santana: Mood swing number one. What do you think, eleven more by the time this episode's over with?
Brittany: Wait. We're in an episode right now?
Santana: I have no idea anymore. Puck?
Puck: Don't look at me. I stopped paying attention months ago. Now I just show up to say some lines and be Lauren's bitch.
Quinn: Oh get over it, Puckerman. At least you didn't drop to only being a robotic, psychotic plot device to get in the way of the ridiculous, boring, and absolutely toxic relationship that is Finchel.
Rachel: You're showing emotion. Look around you. There are several male characters here. You don't do that. You only show emotion opposite females; namely myself.
Quinn: Right. Forgot.
Will: She once cried in front of me, and I'm male. Of course, that was back when I interacted with the students on a one-on-one basis. I honestly can't remember the last time one of those scenes took place. Did we even have one this year?
Kurt: We talked once when you drove for two hours just to ask for my advice. Of course, then again, we also live in a mystical Ohio where everything is two blocks away and Lima has a population of 800.
Terri: Hey kid, save that for next week. I want to know why they wasted me for an entire season and a half when I could've just left last year. Or why they didn't at least use me. My psychosis can be hilarious. I'm the perfect villain because you don't have to sympathize with me.
Emma: Yes, and also, why do we only appear when it has to do with Will? Why can't we exist without him? And why did I waste John Stamos?
Terri: Well at least you got to not only go to therapy but we actually got to see it happen.
Beiste: I don't see how you two are the only ones on this show to ever go to therapy. I think we all kind of need it.
Will: No Shannon, you're fine. You may actually be the only thing that made my character likable this year.
Sue: Nothing can make you likable, William. You stopped being likeable the moment your teaching style became writing a word on your magic whiteboard. I used to be likable too because I insulted everyone in this room and their many flaws. I still do that with a keen devotion, but I think it's gone long past its prime.
Will: Yeah, but we kind of made up after your sister's funeral. Next year should be different.
Sue: We also made up at the end of last year.
Will: Good point. I wish we could all grow together. Like maybe the adults could be friends and have half the show devoted to their storylines together.
Sue: Never going to happen.
Will: Well can I at least go back to being the guy who wouldn't refuse to let Becky join glee on account of the fact that it was the week before Nationals? It's not like New Directions had anything prepared. I looked terrible in that scene.
Finn: Seriously, why are they all still complaining?
Quinn: I know. Like remember that time I stopped being a person and could've snapped at any given moment and murdered one of you and no one would've been surprised.
Finn: Oh, oh, or how about that time I prayed to a sandwich to touch my girlfriend's boobs while my future step dad was lying in a coma.
Quinn: Or even better, how about when we were both fine with cheating on Sam and completely forgot about everything that happened last year.
Finn: They hate us. We should just leave and start some spinoff together. We can get along. I mean you have way more chemistry with me than you do with your other two love interests.
Quinn: I know. It's just that we happen to be a plot and not a relationship so no one cares. I really should've just transferred the moment I got the idea during that prom montage. My character really doesn't belong on this type of show.
Finn: You know what else you should've done? Broken up with me. I was like the worst person ever in that episode.
Quinn: I probably also should've broken up with you last year before the baby stuff when you were kissing Rachel behind my back. Of course, she should also break up with you or get over you in pretty much every episode ever.
Finn: Man we suck. I don't get why we can't just be good people with nice storylines.
Rachel: Because this show only cares about its gay characters now. I've suffered just as much as the two of you have. All I've done is think of Finn every single second. I was even okay with losing Nationals just so I could kiss him one last time. Um, I'm sorry, but aren't I Rachel Berry?
Finn: Well then why can't we all be gay? It's not like we all don't have gay tendencies. If not gay, then at least bi. I'd be fine with this.
Quinn: But bisexuals don't exist on this show.
Rachel: Well technically, Brittany, I believe you've only labeled yourself as bicurious which in all actuality is entirely a cop out.
Brittany: But I like both boys and girls.
Santana: I always thought I'd be the bisexual one in our relationship.
Santana: Well yeah. It's not like I've been completely opposed to penis since the show started, and you've always struck me as more of the love-the-one-you're-with type of a person.
Brittany: That's totally true. I am like that. You know me so well. Why aren't we together yet?
Santana: I have no idea, but look at it this way: At least we're not screwed up like the rest of them…Yet.
Blaine: I always thought I could be bi. Like in that one episode when I was into Rachel.
Rachel: Oh you mean another episode in which I acted entirely out of character and insulted an entire group within the LGBT community by trying to cure you of your gay and make you bi? Hmph, me neither.
Blaine: Well if it was a serious storyline, I think it could've been interesting.
Mercedes: Ah hell to the no! Is he seriously complaining about not getting a storyline? And is that seriously my catchphrase?
Blaine: Sorry. It's just there are hardly ever characters that are bisexual boys.
Finn: Exactly. Why can't we all just be into both genders? That way we'll all get storylines and maybe new, healthy relationships. And it's not like we all haven't had gay moments anyway. Like me and Sam always used to be shirtless and staring at each other in the locker room and stuff.
Mike: Oh thank God, I thought me and Tina were the only ones to notice the subtext basically becoming just text this year. Like that whole MJ number I had with Artie…
Puck: How could anyone not notice? Not only do we all sing and dance, but in the first episode of the year, I asked Sam how many balls he could fit in his mouth.
Jesse: My first scene back, I was in a pretty gay scarf.
Sam: Everyone thought Kurt and I were cheating on Blaine because he tapped me on the shoulder.
Will: I'm pretty sure me and Goolsby were having some eye-sex from time to time.
Emma: Well, and with Carl.
Beiste: Not to mention, Sue and I had some moments. Like in the premiere.
Sue: In your dreams. I'm incapable of human affection and lust of any kind.
Santana: I checked Rachel out several times this year, and openly admitted to it.
Artie: Sam flirted with me. Unknowingly at the time, though.
Tina: Rachel once groped me and I giggled, but that was last year when I was still relevant.
Brittany: Plus, Quinn admitted to not being that into lesbian sex.
Santana: Let's not go there. We really don't have the time to dissect Finnessa's girlfriends.
Finn: Tell me about it. It's totally their fault why I was so indecisive in the back half of this season.
Kurt: Hmm, you don't say.
Quinn: Ugh. Here we go with their insane theories again.
Rachel: Don't feel bad, Quinn. I still don't get it either. Completely delusional.
Finn: Seriously, every time I talked to Rachel she was talking about Quinn and how pretty she is. And every time I talked to Quinn she was busy obsessing over how Rachel was going to get between us. It was so confusing. They kept making me think of the other one. How was I supposed to choose?
Puck: Man, we should just move to HBO and have that group orgy we probably should've had by now.
Lauren: Yeah, then maybe we all won't be split between either being sex-maniacs or prudes.
Rachel: Oh yes. And then perhaps I can go back to being a proud virgin who understands the desires of all people wanting to have sex and roll my eyes at the celibacy club rather than someone who joined the celibacy club and refuses to have sex until she's 25 which we all know isn't going to happen and instead Finn and I are going to have the clichéd first time episode next year. My guess is sometime around Regionals.
Finn: Hey Quinn, remember when everyone freaked out and thought we had sex because we were laying in your bed fully clothed?
Quinn: Oh yeah. That was funny. People can be so stupid.
Tina: Hey Mike, remember when we had sex and I most likely lost my virginity but no one got to watch it happen?
Will: You know, if I really think about it, I wouldn't actually mind moving to cable.
Emma: No, no don't say that. It will lead to a pedowill joke.
Will: I can't believe people actually wanted that to be written on my shirt during "Born This Way."
Kurt: Awww, the only episode that was primarily about friendships. I loved it. There was conceivably no relationship drama.
Mercedes: Friendships. Heh, what show have you been in? Puck and Artie disappeared just like Puck and Finn disappeared just like me and Quinn disappeared jus-
Quinn: Technically our friendship didn't disappear. It's just that it mainly pertained to the pregnancy and all things that pertain to the pregnancy never happened…Including the pregnancy.
Mercedes: Well that at least makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that Kurt and I virtually don't exist anymore. I get it, okay? Rachel and Kurt and their friendship is what everyone loves. And no disrespect because that's one of three things that were positive that happened this year, but why is it that Kurt and I have to disappear for your friendship to happen?
Tina: Yeah, my friendship with Kurt too. That and when I was with Artie were the only times I expressed opinions. Well, and that one time with Mike in "Duets," but we've already come to the conclusion that that episode doesn't count based on the fact that it was good.
Kurt: Guys, Tina, relax. We opened "Born This Way" in "Born This Way" together. We're all still friends. It's just not shown. That's what made that episode so enjoyable. We had me and Finn, Finn and Mike, me and Rachel, Puck and Rachel, Santana and Karofsky, Rachel and Quinn, La-
Quinn: Nope. I wasn't in that episode. It didn't actually happen. I refuse to have any recollection of it.
Rachel: I'm inclined to agree. Kurt, while I understand where you're coming from, and I do too appreciate moments like my Barbravention, this was also the episode I considered getting a nose job. And not only getting a nose job but putting Quinn's nose onto my face. At one time during this series, having my character even consider doing that would've been infeasible.
Quinn: Oh shut up. Excuse me, but I was the who apparently got a nose job when I was like thirteen all according to some ridiculous back story that was entirely random, pointless, and probably never would've even happened if Lauren didn't need something to do. Kurt, this is all your fault.
Kurt: My fault?
Quinn: If you never would've transferred, none of the terrible plots that happened afterwards would have had to take place.
Kurt: Well it's not exactly like I wanted to transfer. Sure at first, it seemed like a golden opportunity to have my own storyline and romance. It was set up wonderfully by Karofsky, thank you for that by the way. You were quite good in those scenes and it gave me something to work with.
Karofsky: No problem. It was easy to work with you. Even if the closeted-homophobic-bullying-jock-plot is entirely overdone.
Kurt: Thanks. Anyway, I liked the idea of the Dalton boyfriend arc until said boyfriend began monopolizing the storyline and our relationship was told from his point of view instead of mine.
Artie: Yeah and we all kept losing performances because of him.
Puck: And we all had absolutely no problem with The Warblers being our competition even though we had a problem with every other glee club we've ever faced.
Blaine: Well I'm sorry. It's not like I asked to be written as the perfect boyfriend who everyone loves. They tried not keeping me as a Mary Sue type and gave me a backstory of being gay bashed. That was pretty terrible, though. I don't get how when I first met Kurt I told him to confront his bullies after I got the crap kicked out of me.
Kurt: It's okay, Blaine. We've all been plagued by inconsistency at some point. Look at Santana. Her father's a doctor who got her a boob job yet she's from Lima Heights.
Karofsky: I don't know. I think I've been rather consistent. I mean, I didn't like the time I stole that wedding topper, but I'm fine with how things went this year. I tearfully apologized and am on my way to redemption.
Quinn: Give it time. They gave me an entire season worth of character development and look at me now. Next year, you'll become the third wheel in everybody's precious Klaine and create a nice gay love triangle because otherwise everyone would notice just how boring they really are. Trust me; it's what happened to me this year.
Kurt: Can we please dispense with actually saying the pairing names already? It was cheesy and embarrassing when The OC and One Tree Hill used to do it. And at least they used the accurate ones. I mean, what is a Furt?
Santana: I hear ya. One word: Santittany. They must think they're sooo clever.
Jesse: Not to mention, other than the epic romance that belongs to Rachel and I and our tangible chemistry, none of the couples on this show are worthy of a portmanteau except for perhaps "Barole." Did I say that correctly?
Burt: Yeah. You got it.
Sam: I never got why anyone obsesses over our couples anyway. It's not like it's LOST or something mind blowing and life changing. We're all just a bunch of cheating teenagers in like puppy love.
Will: Um, well we're adults, and we do what you do.
Rachel: This is why you're all worse. Either way, none of us would actually last in the real world after high school. It's laughable to think otherwise.
Puck: Plus, there are just so many Sinns.
Artie: Nice pun.
Puck: Thanks. I've been working on them. If I don't get one liners, then I don't get lines. It's what I've been reduced to.
Finn: Trade you. You can be the hypocritical asshole, and I can just be the funny, dumb guy who says adorable things like, "But I love Breadstix." That's my favorite line of the season by the way.
Quinn: Well at least they give you episodes where everyone around you acts out of character so you can end up looking like a saint or a hero.
Finn: Yeah, I guess that is considerate of them.
Quinn: Also pretty biased. Oh no wait, I forgot. I got a haircut. Obviously I'm completely fixed now.
Sue: Q, I know you and the beanstalk and his troll doll had a rough year being trapped in the Bermuda Triangle of Boredom, but at least you and the rest of The Gaydy Bunch get to leave after next year. You'll be graduating. Me and everyone in my row is staying.
Burt: Heck no. I'm out when Kurt's out.
Terri: I'm already gone.
Sue: Well, then everyone else.
Brittany: Yeah, but Coach Sylvester, you're wrong. We all don't get to leave. I could easily be held back, and like we're not even sure if Sam's a senior or a junior and Rachel and Kurt pitched a spinoff in tonight's finale.
Rachel: But that could possibly go over well.
Kurt: Yes, but only if we go. We can't bring any already established love interests along. Imagine if Sex and the City started while Carrie and Big were already years deep into a committed relationship or if Miranda and Steve were already married with a baby. It would've been a terrible show and a waste of time. Like the movie. You and I would need to start off single and ready to mingle if we go down this route.
Burt: I don't like the idea of you comparing your possible future to Sex and the City.
Rachel: Relax Mr. Hummel, Kurt and I have both already been established on the prude side of the spectrum.
Santana: Worst spinoff ever. They should just give me one. I'm flawless, and people love me.
Terri: I really don't think any of you should want a spinoff. This is a Ryan Murphy production after all, and we all saw what happened to Nip/Tuck and Popular.
Rachel: A shudder aside for what happened to Nip/Tuck, at least Popular was able to stay funny. We could maybe do that.
Artie: How? We don't have a Mary Cherry.
Jesse: Besides. You've gone from being a comedy-musical to Quinn getting pregnant and becoming a dramedy-musical to just withering away into a daytime soap opera with a few modern songs being sung now and again. Honestly, I'm expecting an evil twin plot any day now. Quinn, you have around seventeen personalities perhaps you can create one.
Quinn: Except, I'd already be the evil one.
Jesse: Drats. Rachel, you're also insane. Maybe Shelby can come back with the news that she secretly gave up two children and the other one is an evil, already established Broadway actress named Rain Berry. Or oh, how about I spawn my own evil twin, Jeremy, and get my own spinoff called St. James and Not a Saint James. Get it? It's absolutely genius.
Mercedes: I see it's going to be a long ass off season again. Hey, remember when we all thought the Back 9 was bad?