I do not own Bones or Coldplay, but I can make my phalanges dance. Part two of two. Enjoy, and thank you for reading/responding.
"Look at the earth from outer space,
Everyone must find a place,
Give me time and give me space,
Give me real don't give me fake,
Give me strength, reserve control,
Give me heart and give me soul,
Give me time, give us a kiss,
Tell me your own politik."
~ Politik by Coldplay
Her Grace For Him
Anyone who knows the pair knows they bicker. Whether about marriage, his romantic entanglements, religion, or a case-related decision, the two constantly have an undercurrent of disagreement.
Whenever she hears him sigh when she brings up her thoughts on marriage, she feels an irrational pain in her thoracic cavity. Her heart begins to feel heavy, as if made out of lead instead of layers of tissue, and impossibly presses on her lungs. Her diaphragm seemingly spazzes, and the combination results in labored breathing. She understands the scientific explanations behind the physical reactions, but has only yet begun to comprehend the emotional impetus behind them.
His disapproval is like a small rejection, like what she is willing to give him is not enough. She knows, now, that there is no one else for her, but does not feel the need to give into societal rituals to prove her devotion. However, she also feels guilty for hurting her partner, for re-affirming time after time that she cannot give him everything he desires. She wants to give him everything, to fulfill all of his dreams, no matter how ridiculous. (With his child-like nature, she is sure there are some ridiculous ones). Every time, though, her inhibitions stop her, and she sees nothing past the mound of evidence against marriage.
She has learned a lot from him, and about him, over the years spent as partners. At first, in the early days of their partnership, she asked things about him out of pure curiosity. She never thought much further into her questions past the knowledge that sex made him squeamish. With Rebecca and Tessa, it was honest curiosity and she always thought it was "something partners do."
With Hannah, she tried to avoid asking as many questions to protect herself. However, whether consciously or not, she kept tabs on them. A many disagreements came from their discussions, and while he and Hannah were together, she could not change his mind. However irrationally, she still hoped a day would come when she would no longer feel the need to ask about other women in his life.
Religion, though, she sees no way of agreeing on. As she told him, if there was any time she would pray it was when she and Hodgens were preparing to detonate the airbag explosives when they were buried alive.
The way she sees it, she can put her faith in him. He was the one who dug her from the ground. He was the one that got blown up by the refrigerator instead of her. Most recently, he pulled her off the street and out of the car's path. He re-introduced her to the meaning of family and helped her move past her transgressions and issues. He has saved her in so many different ways, so many times, and she sees no reason to add a new variable into the equation.
Even through all of their disagreements, including the ones they fail to compromise on, he forgives her, as she does him. She does not deserve his forgiveness for everything she puts him through, consciously or not. Sometimes, she does not want to forgive him, anger still resonating within her.
She always does, though, because that is what he taught her to do. She understands it mostly as "a partner thing," as much as a friend thing. Their lives could end at any time, both of which they have experienced far too many times. She still believes psychology is a soft science, and resents that he thinks she only agrees when it is convenient to her, but their sessions have shown her the importance of not leaving things unsaid. Because of that, she always forgives him before they exit or re-enter his SUV and tries, to some extent, make sure he knows she forgives him.
But, she knows she forgives him for a more important reason than that. She never believed in love. Neurological chemicals can easily trick someone into believing there is a further attachment to someone and bliss in their presence with the release of dopamine and other hormones. Despite her beliefs, despite her scientific rationalizations, she knows now that it is something more. He convinced her, has shown her love, grace, and honesty when she does not believe she deserves it, especially since she is uncertain as how to reciprocate his acts and expose her feelings.
She is still learning, even now. Until she learns what to do, what to say, and how to act, she will be looking to him for guidance. Maybe that will only be a few months, maybe the rest of the time they have together. She does not believe in forever, but if possible, she would want to spend her forever with only him. She simply needs the right opportunity to show him.