Kadaj in the Cupboard - A Final Fantasy VII Fanfic

Genre: Humour/Romance

Rating: T

Authoress: Loki((/Mana))

Notes: Absolute random crack written from a role play between me and my friend, Mana. The pairing here IS Clack but it's not essentially the main focus of the story. This is a twoshot until further notice.

Disclaimer: I own no characters or settings portrayed in this piece.

CHAPTER 1: Ifribomut

I hit the floor and groaned. It's not the first time Cloud has pushed me out of bed but it still hurts like a Cactuar. I sit up nursing the bump on my head and complaining quietly so I don't wake my bed's second occupant. He's cute when he's asleep but not when he gets woken up too early. Then he's in no way a chocobo. Try Bahamut.. no Ifrit. Bahamuts are friendly sometimes.
A creak and click distract me from my thoughts and I turn my head towards it grumpily.
"Zack, are you okay?" I grunt, showing light annoyance at the silver head poking out of my cupboard. He huffs and folds his arms tightly, "I was only asking."
"I'm fine, okay?" I tell him, shaking my head and standing up. I push Cloud to the side gently and slide between the sheets beside him. I hear the silver haired being in my cupboard close the door mumbling to himself and shake my head lightly.
In case you're wondering; Kadaj lives in my cupboard. No, don't ask me why - I honestly don't have the slightest clue and neither does Cloud. It's not a willing thing.. not on my part really. I just.. can't throw him out.
I wrap my arm around Cloud's waist and cuddle him tightly. He's so warm and soft and-
"ACHOOO!" I nearly jumped out of the fikken bed! Jeez that stupid-Jenova-raping-son-of-a-, "Sorry about that!" Kadaj calls. I hear Cloud groan loudly. Oh God.. Ifrit time..
"I'm gonna kill him.." he groans sounding extremely agitated. I nod.
"Get rid of him."
I sigh, "I will do.." I hear him thank me and I sit up and rub my eyes in a tired fashion before standing and heading over to the cupboard, this time rubbing the back of my head. I kneel down beside the door and sigh again. I do this a lot. I really don't like having to kick people out.. I'm more of a welcome in guy. But Cloud's my boyfriend and if he's not happy.. I've got to try and make him happy.
"Hey, Kad-OWW!" I reel back clutching my nose as a streak of pain shoots back into my head. Man, that frikken hurt!
"Oh, Zack, I'm so sorry!" I feel Kadaj's bony hands all over me, fussing over my throbbing nose. It's a wonder it's not bleeding!
"Zack!" Now Cloud is over too and I feel his warm hands holding onto my own, trying to pull my hand away to see the damage, "What happened?" he asks. I open my eyes and see his pretty blue eyes staring into mine and the pain melts away. Cloud's eyes do that. Aren't they amazing? They're like beings in themselves. Magical shaman with healing abilities.. Oh God, I think the hit made me loose it.. I shake my head to rid it of the thoughts and answer him.
"Flippin' hit me in the face." Kadaj puts his hands on his hips and blows his cheeks up.
"Actually, you walked into the door." he tells me in a 'matter-of-factly' tone.
"Kadaj, shut up." Cloud told him! Ha! "Come on Zack, you need ice?" I nod. Ice sounds good. It's cold. It'll stop the shooting pains. Cloud helps me up and Kadaj bounces slightly.
"I have ice!" he says happily, holding out a blizaga materia. Well.. it's a good idea, i'll give him that one.
"No." Ooh Cloud's tone there's icy enough to cool my nose off!
"But.." Kadaj's eyes grow wide, not as wide as Cloud's can go but they're still darn cute.
"Cloud.. he's trying to help.. let him." I fix my eyes on Cloud. I often talk about other people's eyes being cute, well mine are damn sexy. No-one can resist my eyes, not even my little chocobo. His icy mood melts slightly and out of the corner of my eye I can see Kadaj doing some kind of weird happy dance.
"Do you honestly trust him?" Cloud asks me, looking hopeless. I shrug.
"Here's you're ice, Zack." Kadaj told me, holding up the materia and activating it. There's no harm in trying, I mean what's the worst that could happen?
Maybe that.
I stumble back a little.
My face is now an iceberg.
At least the pain is gone.
I hear Cloud's 'I told you so' and slump my shoulders as an 'I know.' He asks me if I want him to sort it out so I nodd and he pulls me out of the room and down to the kitchen. I vaguely hear him through the ice, talking about the oven and I guess what I'll have to do. I groan loudly and he puts his hands on his hips. It's pretty hot when he does that.
"It's that or Firaga in your face." he tells me pointedly. I wince mentally. That's not a pleasant alternative at all. I point to the oven and he nods and goes over to it. The oven itself is powered by Firaga materia so it heats up pretty fast. Cloud opened the door and I bend down to it, feeling the warmth on my non-frozen neck.
"You'll have to put your head in further than that, Zack." he says. I sigh with my shoulders and stick my head into the oven. Thank God this isn't someone like Sephiroth or even worse, Reno. My street cred would be out of the window and the picture would be all over Midgar! I'd have to cover my head with a bag and walk in shame for the rest of my life! Well.. until I become a hero. Then people will copy me, thinking it's the new latest craze or the cool thing that heroes do.
I test my mouth briefly. It's still frozen.
I wait for another few minutes. This is really very boring. It's like waiting for paint to dry.. only it's on your face which is slowly getting warmer and wetter.. is that a word? Either way I test my mouth again and voice my opinion.
"Booooorrrreeeddd.." I groan. My mouth's working! Oh yeah!
"You would get Kadaj to help you." Cloud replied smugly.
"Shut up." I told him, pulling my head out of the oven and standing, stretching my back.
"Right. You can go and throw that stupid remnant out now." Cloud told me.
I nod briefly, "Yeah.. will do.."
"And don't hit you're head this time." I nod. Good advice there, "Does your nose still hurt?" he asks, looking over it. I weigh between yes and no before telling him a little bit to which he nods and tells me "Alright, whilst you're throwing Kadaj out I'll get you an ice pack." I nod to that. Ice pack sounds better than Blizaga in the face. I'm not sticking my head into another oven. Full Stop.
I thank Cloud and head back up to our room and walk in on him pacing and hugging the box with his mother's head, Jenova, inside. It's kind of creepy how he does that. It's like a teddy bear to him.. only.. far more sadistic.. and creepy..
He sees me watching him and jumps over to me, "Zack! I'm really sorry, I just got over excited!" Tell me about it.
"Yeah, yeah yeah, it's fine Kadaj.. but.." I can't look at him. I hate throwing people out! It's like telling a puppy 'sorry no you can't have the spare nice warm pillow on my bed that's never used because I just don't want you there. Go sleep outside in the cold.' I mean come on! You couldn't do that to a puppy, could you!
"Please don't hate me." I look up at Kadaj and he's gone all doe-eyed on me again. Damnit! I can't resist those! Especially when he has the same eyes as Cloud! I look down again.
"I'm sorry Kadaj.. but you're gonna have to leave.." There I said it! I dare a glance at him and oh God his eyes are even wider! Stop being friggen cute!
"But.. I don't have anywhere else to live!"
"You're gonna have to find somewhere.."
"But I can't! I tried and I can't!"
"I'm sorry."
"Please don't throw me out!" He falls to his knees and clutches my leg. Ooh this is awkward.
"Kadaj.. I have to.."
"Please let me stay!" he cries clutching my leg, "I've never been a problem before!"
"I know.. but things have changed and.. because of the circumstances you.. have to go." He looks up at me, tearstained and doe-eyed again.
"It's because of Cloud.. isn't it?" he squeaks. "He just hates me! If it was.. if it was Tifa living in your cupboard he wouldn't care!"
"Kadaj, I'll help you find somewhere.. you can't stay here.."
"Why would you want to stay with me anyway?" I hesitate to ask. For all I know it could be to watch me sleep or-
"Because I love you!" Wait. What?
"What?" I feel my eyes widen.
"You're like my father! I love my father like I love mother!" Oh fizzle don't say that.. He doesn't actually have a father either- NO! Zack, stop reading into it, think of Cloud.
"Please don't make me go.. I'll be a good remnant, I promise!" Again he watches me with bright puppy eyes.. Oh God, don't think of the puppy. Don't think of the puppy. Don't think of the poor homeless puppy. Damnit.
I sigh dejectedly, "Fine.. just don't tell Cloud." He nods rapidly and hugs me tightly thanking me over and over again, "Right.. now get back in your home."
He scrambles back into his cupboard with a happy giggle and I sigh heavily, leaning against the wall. I really could use that ice right now..
"Here's your ice, Zack" Oh sweet Gaia thank convenience. I nod my thanks and take the ice; gingerly pressing it to my nose and relish the cooling feeling it has.
"Is Kadaj gone?" Ice has lost it's effect.
Now I have to lie to Cloud! I hate lying to him, "..y..yeah.." I avoid his eyes by playing with the ice pack a little.
"Did he give you a hard time or something?" he asks, tilting his head lightly.
"A very hard time." That's not a lie, that wasn't hard... just no more questions..
"Bastard." he says bitterly, hugging me. I hug him back, greatful for the affection. "At least he's gone now. We can get some sleep." he tells me, smiling lightly. I nod and agree, pulling him down onto the bed with me. He smirks and kisses me lightly and I smile. He's got such sweet lips, I can't help but kiss him back and taste them again. He's one addictive guy, my Cloud is. I lie back onto the bed and cuddle up against him, yawning and closing my eyes. From what I can guess he does the same and slowly we fall asleep.
Well. Cloud does. I'm just about to drift off when I hear a small creak in the corner. Can you guess what it is? Well if you guessed that it could be Reno sneaking into my room to rape me in my sleep I'll give you that one because he's tried that before. But no, this time it's Kadaj sneaking out of his cupboard. He scuttles across the floor to pick up the box with his mother's severed head inside and scurries away again.
I sigh lightly and snuggle into Cloud's neck- HOLY SWEET MASAMUNE! Thank Gaia Cloud hadn't seen that box on the floor! Aerith has been praying for me there. Sheesh that was far too close and I hadn't even seen it! Shaking, I grip Cloud tightly again and try to stop my rapid heartbeat.
Cloud mumbles something in his sleep and I sigh gently, kissing his ear, "I'm sorry Cloud." I whisper before closing my eyes and eventually falling asleep.