Kadaj in the Cupboard - A Final Fantasy VII Fanfic

Genre: Humour/Romance

Rating: T

Authoress: Loki((/Mana))

Notes: Absolute random crack written from a role play between me and my friend, Mana. The pairing here IS Clack but it's not essentially the main focus of the story. This is a twoshot. WARNING! There is swearing and things like that hehe..

Disclaimer: I own no characters or settings portrayed in this piece.

CHAPTER 2: Slap Fight

I yawn widely and let my eyes open slowly, flickering lightly. I catch a glance of Cloud and see he's still asleep so I let my eyes wander around the room for a little while, however after having looked at the same room for five years I get bored of that easily so I sit up, yawning again lightly. I'm just about to move when an arm snakes around my waist, "No.." Cloud mumbles, pulling me back down beside him, "Cuddly.." I smile and play with his hair gently as he falls into a dose then I sigh.

"Can I get up? I wanna go do something.."

"Sorry.." he mumbles, letting me go, "You go do something.." I sit up and scan the room again, looking for Kadaj when it hits me; I'm supposed to have kicked him out but.. I haven't. A wave of guilt crashes over me and I look down at the ground as I stand up.

"Cloud..." I murmur.

"Mm..?" he mumbles back sleepily.

"Hey.. I'm sorry.." I mumble, pulling my clothes on quickly and walking out before he can reply, not wanting to hear him realise what I mean and get upset. I slow down and wander into the ShinRa complex, giving up eventually and leaning on a wall. I look up, sighing. Why do I get distracted so easily? They're just eyes for Jenova's sake.. but... damn those homosexual hormones.. okay that was stereotyping..

"Zack?" I blink and look down out of my thoughts at the small blonde I love now wearing his uniform and carrying a small frown on his brow. When did I become a poet?

"Zack, what's wrong?" he asks. Oh Gaia I have to lie to him again.

"Nothing." I say, smiling weakly, "Why?"
"There's something wrong.. you said sorry before. Why?"

I can't lie to him.. I really can't. I hate lying as I've said countless times before and now it's just getting ridiculous. I look down, "...I... lied.." I say quietly.

Cloud frowns deeply, shit Ifrit; that's why I choose to lie sometimes! I remember now.. oh boy, "What about?" he questions sharply.

"Getting.. rid of Kadaj..." Cloud's eyes turn from cold to icy and he glares back over his shoulder, sending daggers of hate to Kadaj.

"So he's still here." he spits venomously, slowly turning back to me and refusing to tone down the glare. I nod dejectedly and turn my head away from him. I know he's upset about me lying and that Kadaj spent another night in our room doing Gaia-knows-what in his cupboard. I know that he'll unleash wrath on both myself and Kadaj.

He clenches his fist, "Zack you said you'd get rid of him!" he cries, I know his eyes are getting more and more furious from experience. Not from myself, but others, "Why the Hell is he still here?"

"I tried, okay!" I attempt, chancing a look at him but I pale in comparison to his frustration.

"What's so hard about telling someone to get out of your house?" Again I look down. There really isn't anything but Kadaj's eyes that stop me.. and I'm not sure I want to tell Cloud that detail.

"I'm sorry..." I mumble, hoping a kicked puppy act might cool him down. It doesn't.

He shakes his head, gritting his teeth, "I'll do it myself." he growls and storms back the way I'm guessing he came. I bite my lip. He's not known for being patient with Kadaj.. I don't want any bloodshed. I follow Cloud swiftly up to our room. Big mistake. If only I had known.

Cloud stomps over to the cupboard and yanks it open harshly, almost pulling the door from the handle, "Kadaj, leave. Now." he barks, glaring a poisonous glare at the remnant who stares up at him defiantly. Why don't their eyes work on each other?

"Zack said I could stay!" Kadaj states, making no indication that he will move. I choose to stand back, knowing this won't end very well.

Cloud grips his hands tighter together, "I don't give one. You're leaving. Now."

"It's not your house. It's mine and Zack's!" he declares defiantly. Cloud just growls, grabs Kadaj by the collar and drags him out. He pulls him up to eye level and glowers at him, "I don't care!" Shoot! Kadaj has some balls not to be melted by the sheer venom in Cloud's voice! Not to mention that fiery death glare he's-


"Jealous!" What...?


"You're jealous!" Oh great..


"I think not!" Gaia how gay was that! That was such an 'Oh no you di'ent!' moment.. Never mind that, how gay is a slap fight? I mean come on we have huge swords here! Hehe.. swords..


"Get out!"

"Uh guys.. please stop it.."


"YOU get out!"

I sigh, leaving them to sort it out. I almost start looking at my nails before realising the situation is already gay enough without that kind of an imput.


"Zack's my boyfriend!"


"Zack's my father!"

Cloud goes to slap back then pauses; his eyes widening slightly, "What?" I'm suddenly interested, I wasn't actually listening - what did they say? Whatever it was, Cloud's looking at me.. he's very worried.

"What does he mean his father..?" he asks me. I feel my eyes widen. What? Hang on back up isn't he the same age as me? No wait I.. I don't actually know how old he is.. Holy Tomberry is he actually my son? I honestly don't know I mean.. I've.. I used to date girls.. back before I met Cloud..

"Oh yeah, that means you're also his son." Kadaj adds brightly. Cloud pales; the statement having been aimed at him.

"Oh God... you..." he faints right there in front of me and I just stare at him.

"I think we scarred him for life." Kadaj says, also peering at the unconscious boy on the ground. I shake my head slowly.

"You did.. I did nothing.." I say quietly.

"You did him last night." Kadaj reminds me.

"Oh... yeah..." Crap... that means..

"You did your son." I have nothing to say to that.. what can I say other than 'I know'? I mean.. I... I look up... shit..

Kadaj chuckles lightly and waves a small wave before walking over to his cupboard and slipping inside. I shake my head and look back down. My eyes fall on Cloud and I slowly reach down to pick him up. I take him to our bed slowly, still processing the news. I place him down carefully and sit beside him. I bury my head in my hands then yet again a certain silver haired creature decides to make himself known. Man, I wish he'd just disappear!

"Dad, why does he get priority?" he asks. I'm guessing he means the bed thing. I choose to ignore him. I can't take him being a petulant child right now. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm somehow a father and I've been... yeah.. with one of my.. sons...

"You're not being fair!" he insists. Oh Gaia strike him down now.. no strike ME down right now...

"Please.. just shut up.." I tell him weakly.

"You don't love me, do you?" Oh now... that's... don't say that, you know how that sort of thing affects me... My lack of audible answer prooves as enough of a reply to Kadaj and he throws himself into his cupboard, crying hysterically.

"Mother! Father doesn't love meeee!" he wails. I sigh heavily and slowly step over to his cupboard and I open the door a little more to look at him. He is hugging the box with his mother's head and rocking on the spot with tears and snot dribbling down his cheeks and lips.. ughh... father duties.. I'm just glad I didn't have to change his nappy.. crap I just cursed it didn't I..

"Kadaj.. don't cry..."

"But you don't love me!" he cries, sniffling.

"Kadaj.. I... I do love you... don't cry okay? Please..?" I hope that this is enough and thankfully it is as he sniffs and smiles at me. I sigh mentally and smile back at him weakly. I ruffle his hair and stand up shakily. I move slowly and lean against a wall, watching both Kadaj and Cloud. Why did this have to happen?

Cloud groans softly and stirs. He blinks groggily, staring up for a moment before turning to look at me.

"Please tell me you were joking.." he begs. Would that I could, Cloud.. would that I could..

"I'm.. not sure.." I tell him quietly. He groans and turns his head away, "Cloud.. I'm sorry.." I try. I don't know how this would help but it's all I can find to say right now. Cloud just shakes his head.

"Kill me now.. just kill me now.." he mumbles, pulling a pillow onto his head. Kadaj jumps up happily.


"OI!" I yell, making him jump and stop bounding towards Cloud, "No!" I tell him sternly and he backs away, grumbling. I sigh heavily and look up, leaning back against the wall.

"How did this happen...?" Cloud asks generically, his voice muffled by the pillow.

"I.. don't know.." I answer.

Kadaj, happy as ever, jumps in to answer, "It's simple!" he declares, "Zack and Mother's cells were fused and mother created us!" he beamed with delight. Damn I must have gotten drunk. But right now that is the last thing I want to hear so I shoot a very unhappy glare at him, telling him with my eyes that it had been a rhetorical question. Kadaj looks equally as upset, but for different reasons.

He looks tearful and whines, "It's not my fault!" I sigh, grabbing my head in frustration. He's such a baby! I can't take this anymore! I voice this loudly and storm out of the room, shaking with anger, confusion and frustration. I keep walking until Cloud's voice makes me stop in my tracks.

"BASTARD!" I feel my eyes widen and turn back to see Kadaj zooming towards me with an enraged Cloud charging after him.

"ZAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKK! SAVE MEEEE!" he screams as Cloud shoots various blasts of ice, fire and lightning at him, yelling and screaming as Kadaj runs for his life. What the hell...?

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Cloud hollers after Kadaj.

I stand and stare after them, "Hey.. what's going on?" I shout after them. I doubt that they'll hear me but miraculously Cloud does and turns to face me.

"It was all a joke!" he screeches in outrage. I just stare at him. A.. joke..?

Kadaj peeks out from around the end of the corridor, "April.. fools?" I feel Ifrit burn inside me and growl loudly.

"GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARD!" I roar, charging after him as he screams and runs away from both myself and Cloud. We give chase to him, speeding up and gaining on him with all of our pent up anger and the pure rage of the Ifrit inside us. Cloud holds his buster sword, gritting and baring his teeth at the silver haired bastard and for a second I am distracted by it. Where the heck had it come from? Shrugging mentally I faced Kadaj again. I lean down to become more streamlined and with a burst of inner puppy energy I grab him by the collar and yank him back. Panting heavily I drag him in front of Cloud who glares at him with heavy malice.

"Do the honours Cloud." I tell him. Cloud nods and smirks.

"Gladly." He brings down the Buster Sword and slices Kadaj through the head. The remnant falls over and dies on the floor before evaporating into the green mist of the lifestream and ridding us of his childishness once and for all.

I sigh and brush myself off.

"Okay.. that was... annoying." Cloud says, glaring at the spot that hd been Kadaj two seconds ago. Understatement of the year there, Spikey. Understatement full stop.

Cloud steps over to me and hugs me tightly, so I rest my head on his spikey golden locks. It's now that I realise I am trembling with the expulsion of the adrenaline. Blimey, that was a big word too..

Cloud feels me trembling and strokes my back, "Hey.. it's okay.. he's gone now.." he says soothingly. Once again I sigh softly and pull away slightly to lean in and kiss him lightly.

"Thanks, Cloud." He just smiles and rests his head on my shoulder. We stay embraced like this for a while. Who knows how long, it doesn't really matter. As long as I have my boyfriend back nothing else really matters.

"GUESS WHAT!" I jump out of my skin and so does Cloud and we both almost end up on the floor in shock. I turn to find out who ruined my special moment with Cloud and come face to face with a hyperactive red haired turk. The one and only Reno.

I shake my head, "I don't know, you finally decided you were gay and slept with Rude only to find out he's a cyborg from the planet marshmellow and his secret objective was to make a mold of your penis so he can create a miniature souvenir from Midgar to take home?" I asked. Yeah it was wierd but from Reno, I could expect that. I hear Cloud snort with laughter beside me.

"No! Even wierder!" he exclaimed. I raise my eyebrow and so does Cloud. What can be wierder than that? Oh and he hasn't noticed I've insulted him there... neither have you probably.. go back and check it out... got it yet? Imagine a grin here.

"Rude's pregnant!" WHAT.. the fuck?

"What? How?"

"I don't know!" he replys incredulously, throwing his arms up into the air as he does so. Well it kinda hints truth towards my theory that he's a cyborg... kinda... not really...

"Are you sure you're not just gay?" Cloud says.

"Yeah, that's much easier to believe." I decide out loud, shaking my head.

"Really?" I nod in unison with Cloud. Reno frowns and looks down grabbing his chin in thought, "Damn..."

I shake my head again. What the heck has this guy been smoking? At least he's not trying to rape me... yet..

"Well.. GUESS WHAT!" he screams, making me wince. Why does he have to be so loud?

"What?" I shout back at him.

"I'm gay and I fucked Tseng!" I widen my eyes slightly then once again - Giaia this is getting repetative - I shake my head, smiling lightly.

"Finally." I say.

"Yeah!" Reno grins broadly, "Got the old man out of his suit for once." He winks cheekily and my eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. Oh God, bad images! BAD images BAD BAD! Someone get them out! Oh sweet mother of Jenova with a bucket of Cactuars and Ch-

"Haha, April Fools, guys." I stop and stare at him as he saunters off. What...? I hear Cloud sigh and take my hand. He pulls me down the corridor and heads towards our kitchen to make us both some much needed breakfast.

This has been one hell of a day and it's not even eleven o'clock yet...

Wait is it even April?