Very Very Very Not Good

'River, please?'

'Nope'

'Please? Because you love me?'

'Love has nothing to do with it, sweetie. The answer is no.'

The Doctor sighed and flopped against the console. Why did she insist on having the stabilisers on?

'But I thought you liked it rough?' oh. Oh no. That had very definitely not not not come out right. And Rory was standing there with a sword. And Amy had her arms folded. And River was… smirking. Very very very not good.

'Well sweetie, you would know' oh god. She was looking right at him. And smirking. She knew exactly how to embarrass him and… distract him at the same time. Rory definitely did notlook happy. Great, bloody great. It wasn't even his fault, it was that bloody woman! He decided to ignore the angry look on Rory's face and the twitching movements his hand was making to his sword.

'You're not even flying it right! You're being way too aggressive!'

'Oh I'm being aggressive? I actually fly her properly, the way you're supposed to, the way she likes to be flown! That's why she actually goes where I want her to when I fly! You should know how she wants to be flown!' her smirk had disappeared and she was glaring at him. He shook his head

'Take that lever for example- you need patience, you're just jerking it!' he gestured wildly at said lever and the smirk crept back onto her face. Oh no, what had he said to give her ammunition?

'Oh I'm sorry sweetie, I thought you liked it when I jerk it' she said innocently enough but gave him a wink that would make a Weeping Angel blush. It made him blush furiously and he turned to look at Rory, who had also gone bright red, but with what the Doctor suspected was extreme fury. He really did not look happy. And Amy obviously had no sense of humour, she was looking nearly as annoyed.

'Erm… erm.. erm… what was I saying?' he stuttered, getting more flustered by the minute as the Ponds stood glaring at him and their daughter lounged on the console, giving him a rather good view of her chest which he was desperately trying not to look at. He was caught between two rather scary alternatives- an angry centurion with a sword whose daughter was filling the conversation with little details about her sex life that he was getting blamed for… or River. He gulped. River smiled dangerously.

'You were talking about me being too aggressive. Actually I'm not too keen on the criticism, so I'm just going to slink off to bed. Don't leave me lonely, will you?' she blew him a kiss, waved to her parents innocently and swaggered out of the room, swinging her hips. Oh great. He really hated her sometimes.