Title: Outtake: A Little Too Drunk to Make Sense.
Outtake of Home is Wherever You Are: The Bachelor Party
Rated: M or maybe MA- Warning: Naked men and violated bananas but no sex, just some bad language and behavior.
Summary: Here is Chapter 23 and a large part of Chapter 24, with the outtake in between so we can have a quick recap of what was going on at the time in this story. For those who have not read the story, I hope you get the gist of it. Enjoy!
Chapter 23 - Without a Hitch
Late Thursday night, my mother and several of the elderly ladies I had worked for were still at the house. Charlie came knocking at the door and said hello when the group all said, "Hello, Chief Swan," and then burst into giggles. I had a feeling that had something to do with my mother.
He just shook his head and pulled me aside. "We have to get out of here. Your mother called to let me know that they'll be working on the dress next and you need to be gone. Besides, there's a little women's get together while they work on her. Ed and I plan on taking you out for a drink."
"I don't know if I should be drinking, Sir. I'm getting married in the morning and I don't want to do anything to upset Bella."
He smiled, letting out a chuckle and patted my back. "You're a good man, Edward; my girl's doing fine by marrying you."
We headed out to my dad's van and I was surprised to find Emmett there, along with a couple of guys that were introduced to me as Jasper and Billy, and old Joe Riley was with them as well.
"Let's get our drink on!" Joe shouted and Charlie just chuckled.
"Watch out, boys, Joe's wearing his drinking shorts," Charlie informed us.
I was happy to see someone had made Joe put some pants on over his 'drinking shorts.'
"Billy here is Jake's dad. Jake might meet us later for drinks," Charlie said.
I wasn't sure I liked Jake. I still remembered his uncomfortable behavior around Bella and that really bugged me. Billy seemed really genuinely excited for me to marry Bella, though, so I wouldn't blame him for his son's bad behavior.
We pulled up to the bar and Charlie patted my back. "Edward has volunteered to be the designated driver!"
The men all shouted in cheers and pulled me into the bar. We sat in a booth and Charlie said he would buy the first round for everyone. I ordered a soda and everyone else ordered draft beer so Charlie just ordered another pitcher to refill the glasses. I noticed Emmett downed his drink and refilled his glass rather quickly. I bumped him and he looked over at me and smiled.
"Hey, man, how are things in the big city? Have you found work yet?"
He frowned and shook his head. "No, but Carlisle has kept me afloat; he made my house payment out of his pocket and I just got my paycheck from our last several jobs. He and Esme are talking about moving," he frowned and laughed blackly. "We're so screwed."
"Can you sell your house? There's a two bedroom for sale in town."
"And what the hell would I do in Podunk?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I could send some calls your way. The pay isn't great, but chances are you could pay off your new house when you buy it, that would cut back on a lot."
He looked up at me like he was really considering it. He rubbed his chin. "I own my truck; we aren't in debt other than the house."
"See, this could totally work."
"Are there any benefits?"
"Nah, sorry, but we don't have any at all. Of course, I'm pretty sure as little as we get paid, you would qualify for state health care."
"That's what we have little Henry on now. Hell, we're even getting food stamps at this point."
"You might still qualify for them as well. You should talk to your wife about it."
He draped his arm around me. "Thanks, bro, I really appreciate you looking out for us."
"Edward," Charlie caught my attention across the table, "Have you been introduced to Jasper? He's the town architect."
I reached across the table and shook his hand. "I hear you've been doing repairs but were into the building aspect before you moved here?"
"Yup, Emmett and I worked together up in Seattle."
"Oh, is he your business partner?" Jasper asked.
"He soon will be," I said with a smile.
"Do you have enough experience to build a house if someone asks for a builder?" Jasper asked.
Emmett answered for me. "Yes, we can both read blueprints, and I did a stint in framing and plumbing before I settled into doing electrical. I also went to a vocational school for construction."
"Well, then I might be giving you a call. I make most of my money off of plans I sell over the internet, but there was a couple who were inquiring on the real estate here, wanting to build."
"Well, let us know," I said with a smile, completely thrilled that Emmett would be around to help me with this project.
After his second drink, I saw him walk out of the bar and pull out a phone. I stepped out for some air. I was never one for a smoky atmosphere.
"I got a job, Rosey, but we have to sell the house and move," I heard Emmett talk excitedly. "I know you love the city, baby, but we've got to go where the work is. I know, baby, we'll make it through this. I love you," he said and hung up.
He noticed me standing there and smiled. "Well, it looks like we're in business," he said and we shook hands.
The rest of the night went downhill from there. Charlie and my dad became very intoxicated and were talking of things I would rather not have heard about. Apparently, Charlie was very into Sue, literally. I so did not want to hear about that. My dad was also talking about how wild my mother could be which just made Emmett and Billy laugh at how uncomfortable I was. Poor Joe Riley was just looking at them confused.
"Is Renee coming?" a slightly sloshed Jasper asked Charlie.
His face scrunched up. "Hell no, I don't give a flying rat's ass if she is her mother, she ain't coming within a state's radius of my little girl after what she did."
The table was silent and Emmett looked at me questioningly. I just shrugged. I knew nothing about Renee.
"Well, I heard she was in town," Billy said. "I don't know how she found out, though."
Charlie's face scrunched up again. "We've got to stop this before it starts, where's she staying?"
"The Stanley's of course," Joe said, "That's where hussies congregate."
"Whores of a feather flock together," Charlie growled. "That damn Stanley bitch. Let's go, we're having this out now!" Charlie said swaying as he stood. Billy seemed to agree, as did Joe and Jasper. Emmett and I just seemed to be along for the ride.
Just as we made it out to the parking lot, Jake pulled up. Billy slurred what they were up to and he surprised me by hopping in the van instead of stopping his dad from doing something stupid.
"We're not going to get arrested are we?" Emmett whispered.
"I don't think so, Charlie is Chief of police."
Emmett let out a relieved sigh. "Okay then, but if this turns bad, I'm in the bushes."
I started chuckling. "Me, too." He gave me a fist bump and we drove our drunken load to a house in Forks Charlie pointed out. It was one of the larger ones, meaning it was close to the same size as mine and Bella's.
Charlie stumbled out the door and started shouting, "Renee, you bitch, get out of here. I mean get out here! I want to tell you to get out of here."
Billy stumbled next to him and Jake steadied him. "Yeah!" Billy yelled and Jasper came stumbling out of the van to join the messed-up line. My dad rolled his chair forward and shouted, "You better not mess up my boy's wedding!"
"I've got shorts for that!" Joe shouted and fell over as he started peeling off his pants. Jake surprised me by going up and knocking on the door.
"You get her, boy!" Billy shouted after Jake.
A woman I didn't recognize stepped out along with big butt Jessica. It seemed like Jake was talking quietly with Jessica and looking annoyed.
"Well, she doesn't deserve him! You know she's a stupid freak!" Jessica shouted.
Jake shook his head. "That doesn't give you the right to go off and tell her mother!"
Suddenly, another woman pushed out the door and Charlie stumbled forward furious.
"Well, isn't this a change, me sober and you drunk," the woman said snidely.
"Renee, you get out of town!"
"I have my drinking shorts on!" Joe stumbled toward them. "They're for getting drunk!" he said pointing to his shorts that had big-mouth bass on them. The waistband that his shirt was tucked into said 'Open Wide.'
"That's disgusting!" she snapped at Joe. I had to agree with her on that one. "I have every right to attend my daughter's wedding," she shouted at Charlie.
"No, you don't. You weren't invited! She doesn't want to talk to you! She doesn't want to see you! I asked her myself and she said no!"
"Well, I have words for her. She closed an account that I needed."
"Account?" I asked confused.
"Who are you?" she snapped at me.
"I'm Edward, I'm marrying Bella."
"Well, nice to meet you, but she messed up a loan I was looking into getting because she closed an account that she didn't have the right to close."
"What the heck are you talking about? The only account I know about was one that was way past due and they were calling and harassing her for money, threatening to mess up her credit so she wouldn't have been able to buy the next house."
"That's ridiculous..." Renee started.
"No, it's not. I paid off that account and we closed it together. You better not have anything else in her name!"
Renee flinched back which worried me.
"What accounts were closed, Renee?" Charlie growled.
"That's none of your business."
"The hell it isn't!" Charlie shouted at her. "I'll take you in for fraud if you're messing with Bella's credit again!"
"Again?" I asked.
Charlie nodded. "When Bella went to apply for a home loan for her first house, she found a bunch of accounts open in her name. All of them were Renee! We were able to straighten it out and get Bella off the accounts so it wouldn't look bad for her credit, but it was a huge mess and a ton of paperwork."
"Thieving whore!" Billy slurred out.
"Hussyler," Joe fumbled out his word, or words, mixing them up. Either way it worked. Jasper just nodded in agreement.
"I think you should leave town," I said sternly.
"What makes you think I have to listen to you?"
"Because I'm sober and I love my girl. There's no way I'm letting you ruin her day."
"Let me, let me have your phone," Charlie mumbled taking Jake's phone.
"Who are you trying to call?" he asked.
"George, I'm calling George to run her in. He's on duty tonight."
Jake nodded his head and hit the buttons and handed the phone to Charlie.
"I can't believe you! How dare you have me arrested!" Renee shouted.
"Any time you step foot near my baby girl, you sure as hell will be arrested! You lost your parental rights! You lost your daughter and you better not go anywhere near her again!" Charlie shouted.
Jake took his phone back from Charlie and spoke quietly to George. A few minutes later, a squad car showed up and Jake talked to the guy who arrested a furious Renee. We were also able to keep Joe out of jail for indecent exposure. I didn't know how Charlie did it, but even drunk, he was able to get Joe to put his pants back on.
"Let's head back to Charlie's," Jake suggested and I drove us back to his place.
I looked at Jake in a new light. He didn't like my girl, but he had her back. That was great of him to get her mom arrested so she wouldn't mess up our wedding. We all settled down onto the couch and Charlie busted out another six-pack to share. Joe had stumbled home when we had driven up, saying he had another plan for his shorts. I hoped he never told me what that plan was. My dad passed out in his chair so I pushed him to his room and flopped him onto the bed. He was going to have one hell of a headache in the morning.
"It was you wasn't it?" Charlie growled at Jake.
"I only asked her to be my date. I didn't know Jess would go off and tell Renee anything."
"S'alright, boy, you fixed it. Renee's in jail now. Bella's safe," Charlie sighed, on the verge of passing out.
"You're not bringing Jessica to the wedding are you?" I asked Jake.
"Not anymore, no," he said.
I just shook my head at him. "I can't believe you would go out with a girl like that. She's so horrible and mean."
"Well, at least she isn't gross," Jake said and Billy started laughing loudly, causing Charlie to stir.
"What? What?" Charlie asked.
"Jake said Bella was gross," Billy said cackling like an old woman. I wanted to smack them both.
"Bella is not gross!" I shouted at them and Charlie shocked me by laughing at it as well.
"What the hell, man? Are they high or something?" Emmett asked.
Jasper just stretched out, chugging his beer, watching the show that was the drunken guys I was babysitting.
"Tttt-tell him," Charlie hissed he was laughing so hard.
"She don't like you!" Billy giggled like a freak. His face started turning red and he fell off the chair, causing Jasper to laugh at the pair of old men acting like gossiping old women.
Jake looked confused.
"We told her," Charlie gasped and tried to catch his breath to finish, "that you liked her."
"What?" Jake shouted. "Dad, you said she like me!"
Billy was trying to climb back into his seat, but he was only able to pull the seat cushions down. He gave up and just leaned on the cushion, sitting on the floor. "I know!" Billy giggled again.
"We thought you would be good for her," Charlie said.
"Boy, were we wrong!" Billy laughed.
"She needed a friend and you both were single," Charlie started giggling again, "But then she freaked out."
"Freaked out?" I asked.
"She went nuts!" Billy said.
"You should have seen her," Charlie said gasping for air again as he started to slide down his chair. "The day after I told her, she, she, she…"
"She was covered in mud!" Billy laughed, "And then she picked her nose."
"What the hell?" Jake asked.
"What are you guys talking about?"
"When I found out Bella liked me, I thought I would let her down easy and ask her to just be friends. I'm four years older than her. She was sixteen and I was twenty. I figured it was a crush. I knew she had a rough go of things with her mom, but when I showed up, she was a mess. I felt so bad that I didn't say anything to her, not wanting to hurt her feelings."
"It was hilarious!" Billy shouted, "The way those two tip-toed around each other was hysterical!"
"You should have seen it. I swear, Billy, we'd better leave the match making to the women because we just made a mess!"
"Literally!" Billy laughed. "You should have seen it, Edward. I'd never seen a girl turn so grubby so fast. I don't' know where she found that much dirt, but she did and she rolled in it!"
"She was just trying to turn Jake off," Charlie laughed.
"Well, it worked!" Jake snapped. "That was cruel. You guys freaked her out and had me feeling all weird around her." Jake turned to me, "She doesn't really have a gastrointestinal problem does she?"
I shook my head no at him. "She's perfect and beautiful."
"Well, thank god for that. I'll bet she doesn't collect earthworms, either."
I started laughing at that one. "What?"
"That's why she said she was dirty; she collected earthworms and kept some in her pockets. Then she picked her nose and did some sort of magic trick, making it look like she pulled one out of her nose."
I was laughing my head off now. "She's amazing! No, she doesn't, nor have I ever seen her anywhere near an earthworm. She showers daily and I've never seen her pick her nose in public."
He sighed and sank down in the chair. "So, you're normal then, too?" he asked me.
I shrugged. "I suppose. I don't have any hobbies that involve worms or any other insect. I shower daily and I don't pick my nose in front of other people, but let's face it, guys, we all pick our noses."
"Here, here!" Jasper shouted, "To nose picking!"
Billy and Charlie raised their bottles as did Emmett, who was completely amused by the whole mess.
"Well, then congratulations on getting married, Edward. I'm glad you're not freaks," Jake said. Everyone agreed with the sentiment.
I just laughed. "I'm glad you guys are not freaks, either."
"Oh, hell no, I'm all freak, just ask Rosey," Emmett said laughing.
Jake threw a pillow at him.
"No throwing stuff in the house!" Charlie snapped.
"But it's a throw pillow," Jake defended.
"He's got you there, Chief, it is a throw pillow," Jasper cut in only to be smacked in the face with said throw pillow. I think I liked Jasper. He was going to be cool to work with.
Outtake: A little too drunk to make sense.
Edward's bachelor party was on the mild side compared to what I had been to before. Of course, dragging a group of half-drunk guys across town where one loses his pants would measure close to what I was used to. It was nice to have the Chief of police on our side keeping us out of jail.
Once we got back to the Chief's house, little Eddie decided it was nap time. That boy must have been in love because all he could think about was getting to the church the next day.
He had a pretty cool group gathered. I was a little relieved when Crazy Shorts guy took off. I was terrified he would be dropping his pants and then some. He was an old guy, I was sure it would do some retinal damage to see him naked.
The Chief and his buddy, Billy, had a relationship that made me wonder at times. The way they flopped their arms around each other and snickered in each other's ears would make anyone question their sexual orientation. I mean come on; both had been single for over a decade from what I had gathered.
Somehow, we got on the topic of appropriate condom usage. I didn't know how or why, but things went downhill fast after that. Jake questioned Billy and Chief Swan's worthiness to give their two cents on the topic, as he suspected neither had ever used any. Both Billy and Chief Swan started naming chicks they had nailed and Jake and Jasper's eyes grew huge. I guess they knew the ladies they were talking about.
"That's my mother!" Jasper shouted and threw a pillow at Billy.
"That's disgusting!" shouted Jake and suddenly Jasper was offended. Next thing we knew, pillows were flying all over the place.
The Chief somehow found his gun and shot a hole in his ceiling.
"Well, they are throw pillows," Billy snickered.
The Chief smacked him in the head with a pillow and they started wrestling all over the floor, knocking over the coffee table full of beers.
One of the beers splashed up on Jasper, soaking his white shirt and made it see-through. He covered his chest with his hands and squealed like a little girl, screaming, "My nipples!"
I burst out laughing as Jasper flopped to the floor and did a snake crawl on his belly to the kitchen, returning with a kitchen towel stuffed into the front of his shirt like he was ready to eat lobster.
I realized that everyone was really drunk when Charlie or 'Chucky boy,' as he insisted everyone call him, tried to pass condoms out as poker chips. I shrugged it off and figured it would work in my favor in the end.
I was eight condoms ahead of everyone when Billy complained that Jake's ass smelled. We all started laughing but then realized Jasper stank as well from the old beer that was spilled on them.
We decided to take the game outside. For some reason, Jasper thought bringing a newspaper as a tablecloth was a good idea and spread it across the huge rock we were using as a table for our moved card game.
"Now we can really get down to business!" Billy complained. "Edward's snoring was throwing me off."
"Sure that was it. So what's the excuse for sucking the last twenty years?" Chucky boy chided.
"Oh, shut up, I have more…" Billy looked down at his stack of condoms. His forehead scrunched up and he held one close to his face to read it. "CHARLIE, THESE ARE CONDOMS!"
"WHAT?" he screeched shocked.
Jasper jumped on Billy, yanking his condom chips away from him, "Stay away from my mommy!"
Billy laughed, throwing some more at him. "She's on birth control, Son, I ride bareback!"
"NO!" Jasper screamed like a little girl, "You don't touch her!" He grabbed the gun-shaped sprayer and turned on the hose and was immediately tackled by Jake who got his pants soaked, but they needed a good rinsing after the beer spill anyway.
Chucky boy was able to get the water turned off and Jasper was crying again about his nipples. "Don't look, oh, god, please, don't look at them! You can't tell anyone. STOP LOOKING!" he squealed swinging the hose around.
He flopped down in the mud, making Chief Swan mumble, "I never have my stun gun when I need one."
"Jasssper," Jake slurred, "Take off your clothes." We all looked at him confused. "He's all muddy."
"No, no, you can't see my nipples!" Jasper started squealing.
"I'll give you my shirt," Jake offered taking his off and then winked at me as he flexed. I was thinking I needed to stop smiling at him and maybe get a haircut if he was drunk enough to think I was a girl.
Jasper ripped his shirt off over his head and Jake hosed him down and then tossed him his shirt to wear. "Nipple crisis averted."
"Alright, now it's time for the condom instructional class," Chief Swan said swaying a little as he brought a bunch of bananas out from god knows where. He must have slipped into the house and grabbed them.
Jake and Jasper both eagerly grabbed bananas and shoved them into their flies. Jake started doing hip thrusts. "You're so wet, baby," he moaned causing Jasper to laugh and fall over, landing on the rock we had as a table. His feet slipped in the mud a few times, making it look like he was humping it, which caused Jake to laugh and smack his ass. "Get 'er done!" he chuckled.
I just shook my head and took the banana that Billy handed me.
"Now, carefully open the package," Chief Swan instructed.
"My banana's pokey. I have to peel it so it doesn't tear my condom. I don't want to get the girl pregnant," Jasper said in a very serious tone. He peeled his banana and stuck it back in his crotch.
"Me, neither, no babies!" Jake said slurring a little, so everyone peeled there bananas so no one would get their imaginary girls pregnant with their fake dicks.
We all put our condoms on our bananas. I was the only one that didn't have it hanging out of my pants.
Once that was done, we heard a loud screeching hiss come from the tree by Charlie's house. "That damn pussy is stuck in the tree again, probably fighting with another possum or raccoon." He walked over to the clothes line and hung up his banana with a clothespin and then took off his shirt and kicked off his boots. I had no idea what the hell he was doing. I was really starting to worry, wondering what kind of pussy was stuck in the tree when he took off his pants and then put his shoes back on. "I'll be back in a minute; I have a Muffin to save. All in a day's work," he said marching off to the hissing tree with his pants slung over his shoulder.
He climbed the tree faster than a banana farmer and then all hell broke loose. We couldn't see what was happening, but we could hear the shouting. "Come on, pussy. Come on, Muff-Muff. Just back your ass up here. I ain't coming over there."
Billy started giggling like a twelve year old boy watching a girls' slumber party.
"I ain't coming, I ain't coming! Oh, pussy, pussy, please, just give it up and let me take you!"
I had to admit, when everyone else started snickering, I joined in after that.
"GOTCHA!" There was a loud rustling in the tree. Then we heard some branches start to snap, "WHOA WHOA!" Charlie shouted.
We all looked up to see him hanging from the tree, using his pants like a rope, and he had hold of a cat that was dangling by its collar. It didn't take long for it to slip out and hit the ground running. Charlie dropped to the ground and ran after it shouting "Pussy! PUSSY! PUSSY!"
I watched as he rounded the front yard. He didn't get too far past Edward's house when a dark-haired woman came out and called to him. She didn't seem put off by him only wearing underwear and boots. She must have known him because she grabbed his hand and they walked up to Charlie's front porch and into his house.
"Well, that's one way to get pussy," Billy said laughing until he fell over.
"My cheeks are chafing," Jake suddenly complained rubbing his ass, "I'm all wet, I'm gonna get a rash."
"Take your pants off," Jasper said like it was normal to strip in front of people you didn't know.
"I don't wanna," Jake frowned.
"Don't'cha got undies on?" Jasper slurred.
"NO! Why would I wear those? They restrict blood flow to important things. I don't want to be important at a young age."
"Impotent?" I asked.
"That's what I said," he swayed a little.
"Take 'em off, you'll get a rash and no one will touch it," Billy said.
"No," He hissed, "You know why," Jake growled at his father.
"Jake's got a pretty ass," Billy snickered.
Jasper actually leaned to the side checking it out and shrugged. "Looks like an ass to me." I think I was a little relieved to find out that he didn't like Jake's ass.
"No, it's literally pretty," Billy giggled, "He's got this…" Jake jumped on Billy, covering his mouth.
"Don't!" Jake shouted. He looked over at Jasper for help. "I saved your nipples, you save my ass, please?" he begged.
Jasper nodded and picked up the newspaper from the table. "Put this on and give me your pants. I'll hang them up for you."
Jake wiggled out of the pants and Jasper held up the newspaper for him. The sicko looked down and smiled. "Well, ain't that pretty. I get it now," he said but didn't laugh.
Jake looked at him warily, waiting for Jasper to make jokes, but he didn't and Jake seemed satisfied. He carefully wrapped his newspaper towel on and Jasper hung his pants on the line next to all the condom-covered bananas.
"Hey, what's that shiny thing?" Jake asked pointing to something on the ground. He picked up the cat's collar that had been discarded in the pussy chase and hung it up on the line.
"Come on, Jake, you should take a shower before you get a yeast infection from the beer," Billy said as if he had experience with this. Jasper followed after them and I stood on the back porch trying to figure out if I wanted to really step back into that house when Jake didn't have pants on. A few moments later, Jasper came walking back out with the newspaper that was dripping wet. He carefully hung it up and walked back in.
I followed this time just out of curiosity. Jasper was all by himself when we walked back into the front room. I wasn't about to ask where the naked guy was. I sat in the recliner and watched as Jasper tried to get comfortable on the coffee table. It wasn't happening from the looks of it and he started collecting things from around the house. First it was a hand towel, but it didn't seem to work as a blanket. He grabbed a potholder and then saw a pillow on the ground. He grabbed the throw pillow and searched the front room for the rest of them, even prying three out from under Edward who was out like a log. I had two, but when Jasper raised his fingers shaped like a gun at me and then threw the hand towel over his hand, I knew I was going to lose them. "I've got a gun, give me your pillows and no one gets hurt."
I held back my snickering, trying not to anger the drunk threatening me with his finger gun. Once I passed him the pillows, he set about making a nest like a freaking bird. I shook my head. I didn't know what the hell was up with that guy and just hoped he was more sane sober. Only time would tell.
Chapter 24 - Wake-up call: Can I peel your banana?
I woke up sprawled on Charlie's couch to a loud banging on the door. Not thinking, I jumped up, flinging the door open. Officer George was there and looked down at my attire, raising an eyebrow at me. I looked down to see I had taken off my pants and was wearing my elephant boxers that said 'Suck it down.'
"Were those some kind of party favor?" Officer George asked.
Did I lie and excuse my crazy underwear or admit they were mine and look like a freak?
I heard a big booming laugh. "Well, look at that! Eddie's just as much a freak as old Joe!" It was Emmett. He had been completely amused by the underwear Joe was wearing. "You've been holding out on me, Eddo, you gots to hook me up!" Emmett said doing some sort of weird rap gangsta move. He was way too chipper this morning for someone who had drank as much as he had last night.
I just stepped back, holding the door open wider for Officer George to step in. I noticed Jasper snoring like there was no tomorrow in a pile of throw pillows. Jake and Billy were nowhere to be found, so I guessed they had gone home. I was not sure how, though, seeing as we had left their car at the bar.
"I'll go see if I can find Charlie," I said walking back towards his room.
I noticed the bathroom door was open. Billy was curled up by the toilet and Jake was asleep in the tub, using the shower curtain as a blanket. Bella would kill me if she saw the mess we had made. I knocked on Charlie's door, but there was no answer. I opened it to find a naked Charlie sprawled over a sleeping Sue, who was also naked by the way. I quickly shut the door, pretending I didn't just see my father in law's naked ass. I pounded on the door a little harder. I wasn't sure when Sue had shown up last night, but I was obviously asleep for it. Apparently, Charlie wasn't.
"Charlie!" I said pounding on the door. I heard a thump and a groan. I was pretty sure he had fallen off the bed as he was on the edge of it when I saw him.
I heard some shuffling around and then the door opened. Charlie was wearing just boxer briefs and Sue whistled at him. He turned, smiling at her and flexed, making her giggle. For a guy in his early forties, Charlie was still majorly ripped, with washboard abs and biceps worthy of a Chippendale calendar. No wonder Sue was grinning.
As he passed me in the hall, he grunted, "Yup, still got it."
I followed him down the hall to the kitchen where he got a pot of coffee brewing. Officer George had already made himself at home, grabbing himself a cup. "Hey, Chief," George addressed him, not even bothering to give a second glance at Charlie's underwear.
"Hey, George, so, what's the status of my ex-wife?" Charlie asked.
"She's with a public defender. She's claiming false arrest and police brutality," George informed us looking a little worried.
The Chief just laughed. "If she wants some brutality, I can arrange some for her." He leaned back against the counter, "Her pimp come looking for her yet?"
George just shook his head no and the Chief nodded. "Good, maybe we can keep her away until after the wedding then. If he shows up, stall him."
"Stall him?" George asked.
"Stall him, find every form ever created for law enforcement and have him fill them out. Hopefully, he'll be so pissed off by the end of it that he won't let her out of his sight."
We heard the rustle of plastic and turned to find Jake standing in the hallway wearing the shower curtain. "Has anyone seen my clothes?" he asked and George and Charlie start laughing. What the hell did they get up to after I feel asleep?
If I thought things couldn't get any crazier, I was wrong. Jasper started moaning for his mommy on his pile of pillow. Emmett grabbed one and whacked him on his head, causing Jasper to scream like a little girl, waking himself up.
He blinked a few times and looked at Jake. "Are your pants still on the clothesline?" he asked.
Jake lit up, excited to get a clue to where his clothes were. I watched as he ran out the back door to the clothesline. Along with his pants were several random objects hanging from the line, including a few condoms with bananas in them. Now I was really curious as to what the hell had happened last night seeing this. Jake, the sick bastard he was, took one down, rolled the condom off like a pro, and ate the banana in three bites. He pulled his pants off the line and put them on, and then he took down a newspaper and sat down on a rock in the back yard and started reading it like it was perfectly normal to lose your pants and eat bananas out of condoms. Maybe I was glad I had missed everything after all.
Jasper stumbled toward the clothesline himself and whipped off the shirt he was wearing, tossing it to Jake, and then took down a shirt from the line, putting it on. "Thanks for letting me use your shirt, man," Jasper said stretching.
"Sure, sure," Jake said not looking up. "We all have issues; yours just has to do with your nipples. Like I said last night, I don't like people looking at the flower-shaped mole on my ass, either. I wonder if I could get a star or something tattooed over it," Jake said thoughtfully.
Nipples? Flower-shaped moles?
What the hell?
"Yeah, you could make it look like a cool Chinese symbol or something," Jasper suggested.
"That's a good idea, but I'd probably go with a tribal symbol," Jake agreed.
Jasper started laughing to himself and I wondered if he wasn't still a little drunk. "You should get the tribal symbol for fertility on it."
"I do have a very fertile ass. I'm very regular," Jake said proudly, causing me to cringe and Jasper to snort.
"I meant for sex."
"Why on my ass? I'm not gay, I don't want guys fucking my ass and I'm not getting a tattoo on my dick. That would just hurt!"
Jasper just shook his head. "Whatever, dude."
"Are you gay?" Jake asked Jasper.
Jasper pulled something off the line and threw it at Jake. "I'm not gay, you're just an idiot."
Jake looked at what Jasper threw at him. "Then why are you trying to collar me? You want me as your sub? I am so not calling you master," he said tossing it back at Jasper. Could this conversation get any weirder?
Jasper caught what Jake threw at him and looked at it closer. "Who is Muffin and why do we have her collar?"
Oh, hell, I didn't know what the hell had happened with the Riley's cat, but I sure as hell didn't want to mess with it again. I hoped it found its way home without any incriminating evidence that would point to any of us.
My mom came over with my father dressed in his best white shirt, holding up mine and Charlie's pressed white shirts and ties. I had a pair of nice dress slacks hung under my white shirt on the hanger. She passed me a bag with toiletries and underwear. "Here you go, Edward, time to get ready. We girls took care of your ironing, but you need to dress yourself. I trust you remember how to tie a tie?"
I nodded yes. I wasn't sure, but I was pretty sure between us all that we could figure it out.
Jake came in and grabbed another banana. "I liked the ones outside better," he said as he peeled the banana.
"Dude, that one was in a condom," Emmett snickered.
"So, it's just like a banana-shaped Ziploc bag," he said shoving most of the banana into his mouth, nearly swallowing it down whole.
"And he thinks I'm gay, pansy ass," Jasper mumbled watching Jake practically deep-throat the banana.
It was five minutes until the wedding was supposed to start. I was standing up front, waiting for my beautiful girl. Can you believe that out of all of us, it was Emmett that knew how to tie a tie? Sure, it was a little crooked, but it was tied and that was all that mattered.
A/N thanks for helping out with the Texas wild fires.
The full story can be found on my profile on Fan
Here is the link, .net/u/2197940/