Author's Note: I started this YEARS ago and am finally taking the time to finish it. I hope you enjoy! Leave reviews :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
A Hatake Kakashi Mystery
Summary: After the failed attempt of finding out what was REALLY under Kakashi's mask, Team Kakashi had another wonder about the silver-haired jounin. Exactly, how OLD is he? With his silver—…or is it gray hair? [Team 7 Fic] [One-shot]
The birds chirped high in the sky as they flew overhead, wings flapping to keep their bodies elevated in the air.
Sakura lay sprawled on the grass whilst Naruto and Sasuke sparred, their jounin-skilled teacher perched on a high branch of a tall tree, flipping through the pages of his infamous Icha Icha Paradise novel as his only visible coal eye glanced over upon the two fighting shinobi every once in a while to keep an eye on them.
"Is that the best you can do?" questioned Sasuke with his blank demeanor as always, easily gliding by Naruto's shuriken as he held his kunai firm in his grip.
"Hah, don't get so cocky yet, teme!" Naruto shouted in response, grinning as his clone's hands popped out of the ground, gripping the Uchiha's ankles as another latched onto his back, preventing him to move.
Rasengan forming in the palm of his hand, he lunged at the raven-haired ninja, arm swinging around ready to plunge his jutsu in Sasuke's stomach. His grin only grew when his attack did hit his target, only for cerulean eyes to grow as he heard a poof! from where Sasuke's body had been trapped, only to feel the cold steel of a kunai pressed against his neck tautly.
"Tch, dobe," the Uchiha scoffed, twirling the weapon around his finger before pocketing it in his kunai pouch.
"You got lucky!" came Naruto's response as he whipped around, getting a glimpse of Sharingan eyes coming to a close as Sasuke pocketed his weapon. Upon seeing this, the Kyuubi vessel beamed widely. He pointed his index finger a few inches from Sasuke's face. "I got you to use the Sharingan!" the blond Hokage dreamer pointed out. "Thought you couldn't win without it, eh, Sasuke-teme?" His arms folded across his orange jacket, chortling with a broadened grin.
The avenger merely ignored his supposed best friend's comment, rolling his left shoulder back as he stretched the muscle.
Meanwhile, Naruto continued his gleeful boasting, puffing his chest out. "Once I get a bit stronger, I bet I'll even be able to beat even Kakashi-sensei—!"
"Don't grow so overconfident, Naruto," came the calm tone of the well-known copy nin, his feet landing lightly against the verdant grass as he glanced upon the blond for a moment before looking back down at his book.
The Jinchuuriki folded his arms behind his head, dawdling over to sit beside Sakura as he gave a cheeky grin along with cerulean irises drawing to a close. "Yeah, sure Kakashi-sensei, you just don't want me beating your old butt—!"
Following his comment, Naruto abruptly stopped himself, azure eyes opening as a dazed look came upon his tan face.
"Naruto?" Sakura questioned, waving a hand in front of the stupefied looking face of her comrade. "You there?" She snapped her fingers in front of his whiskery face. "Hello? Anyone home?" she further probed in a singsong voice. She tapped his head, seeing as the blond still hadn't moved a muscle.
"Don't waste your time," Sasuke commented upon Sakura's pattering on Naruto's cranium, idly sticking his hands in his pockets with his usual stoic demeanor. Upon hearing her crush speak, the kunoichi immediately directed her attention towards the Uchiha, her head snapping at his direction. "The dobe's head is as hollow as a log."
The pink-haired girl couldn't help but release a stifled giggle at the statement, emerald eyes glancing over at Naruto who still sat, gawking, his widened cerulean irises vacant and twitching as he seemed in a trance.
"Hm, maybe Naruto endured brain damage during your little spar, Sasuke," came the thoughtful tone of Kakashi, indolently glancing at the raven-haired male.
Closing onyx eyes, Sasuke smirked at the alleged sentence. "Hn."
((SFX: Ka-caw! Ka-caw!))
The Hokage's bird flew high in the air, the flying creature's wing flapping as it glided through the sky lambently.
Upon hearing the familiar call, Kakashi tilted his head upwards, his gaze languidly glancing upon the black-feathered bird instantly. Recognizing the sign instantaneously, as it meant for all Jounin to assemble a moment's notice, he pointed his head towards his three genin students.
"Alright, guys. Let's call it a day. You can beat each other to a pulp later, once Naruto recovers from his apparent brain damage."
At the directed comment towards him, the Jinchuuriki still sat, mouth continuously hung open, frozen.
Upon seeing no movement from the blond, Kakashi sighed. He bent his arm behind his head, scratching his hair.
"All right, then…" he mumbled, his voice drawling. Angling his arm with his index and middle fingers extended, he gave a buoyant salute. "See ya."
With that, the ex-ANBU vanished in a cloud of smoke.
It was then suddenly Naruto sprung with life. His twitching eye had stopped, his mouth coming to a close after heaving a long, sharp intake of much needed air. He scrambled to his feet—his spontaneous movements immediately attracting the attention of his teammates—as he jumped up and down rapidly, his fingers curled into fists with his arms bent in an 'L' shape pointing forward in front of him, his hands bouncing with each spring up his body moved.
"Holy jambalaya! You guys, I just realized something!"
Both Sasuke's and Sakura's eyes blinked simultaneously before the latter heaved out a sigh.
"Yes, Naruto, the person who created the toilet was named 'John', which is why people say 'I'm going to the John'—"
Naruto hastily waved his arms perpendicularly at the kunoichi's factual statement. "No, I don't mean that, Sakura-chan! I mean I just realized something else!" Then his expression grew curious, scratching his blond hair. "And the guy that made the bathroom was named John? What the hell? That's such a lame name—!"
"Get to the point, dead last," interrupted Sasuke briskly, onyx eyes narrowing at what the Kyuubi vessel was trying to get at.
Naruto glared at his so-called best friend, deciding to ignore his rude nickname to get to the point of his statement. "Sakura-chan, Sasuke-teme," began the blonde, "how old is Kakashi-sensei?"
"That's it?" questioned Sakura, shaking her head. "That's what had you so stupefied? That's easy, Naruto! He's obviously—umm, uh…" The kunoichi turned to the stoic Uchiha, emerald eyes blinking a few times. "I'm sure Sasuke-kun knows the answer!"
Both teammates turned to the raven-haired ninja as he dug his hands further in his pockets. Onyx eyes drew to a close, merely responding with, "I don't remember useless information like that."
"You liar, teme! You don't know either!" accused Naruto, pointing directly at the avenger.
"He's obviously young, Naruto," the pink-haired girl stated. "He doesn't have any wrinkles and he's too fast to be too old."
"No wrinkles, Sakura-chan? How would you know that since his face is always covered with that mask? And for all we know he could be using some type of elite jutsu only old people know to make him super fast!"
"You're wasting time we could be using to train, dobe," commented Sasuke with his usual scowl in place.
"Oh yeah, teme? How do we know his hair is silver? Haven't you ever thought they could all just be gray hairs?" Suddenly Naruto's eyes grew very large. "Think about it guys, maybe no one knows how old Kaka-sensei is! We'd be the only ones who know and we could be famous for telling everyone!"
"Fame is pointless to me," muttered the Uchiha.
"Sure about that? Just think, teme, of all the powerful ninja who would want to come fight—or train—the student of Kakashi's that found out his real age!" Noting the contemplated expression masked behind Sasuke's nonchalant demeanor, Naruto then turned to Sakura. "And Sakura-chan… well aren't you just curious?"
Said girl peered upwards towards the sky, contemplating the topic. "Yeah… I mean Kakashi-sensei never talks about any family. Is he someone's older brother, father, maybe even grandfather?"
"Exactly! So let's figure it out!"
The pink-haired girl nodded. "I'm up for it. How about you, Sasuke-kun?"
The avenger merely stared, as though calculating an equation. "Fine," was all he answered.
"Good! So here's how we'll try it…"
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU~! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU~!"
Naruto shouted at the top of his lungs as Sakura laughed and clapped her hands and Sasuke came from behind with a large birthday cake. The cake was vanilla with pink frosting and messy handwriting that read: HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAKA-SENSEI!
Kakashi turned around, pocketing his Icha Icha Paradise. He held his hands up in a surrendering motion. "Whoa there, everybody. What's going on?"
"It's your BIRTHDAY, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto exclaimed, jumping up and down like a giddy little boy. His foxy grin spread ear to ear.
"Yeah, Kakashi-sensei," added Sakura. "Don't you remember when your birthday is?"
"I do, but how do you know?" asked Kakashi, scratching his temple with his forefinger.
"That's not important," Sasuke stated.
"Yeah! The point is we made you this yummy cake for your birthday!" Naruto popped up beside the silver-haired jounin, nudging him on the arm with his elbow. "SO, Kaka-sensei, how old are you turning, huh? 25? 26? 62?"
All three team members' eyes grew wide as saucers before falling over anime-style.
"15?" all three questioned simultaneously, their jaws hanging open.
"Yeah," Kakashi replied coolly before pointing towards the writing on the cake. "You wrote my birth date wrong. It's September 15, not 14."
"Oh, right, that was Naruto's fault, he can't do anything right," Sakura chimed in, laughing nervously ("HEY!" Naruto yelled in the background). "How about the year, Kakashi-sensei? So we can get that right too?"
The ex-ANBU placed a hand on his chin as he tilted his face upwards towards the sky. "Well, about 23 years ago to this day…"
"Oh, so you're 23— OOF!" asked the Jinchuuriki before Sakura punched him on the stomach.
"…I had my first taste of birthday cake. And boy was it good!"
Simultaneously Team 7 let out an exasperated sigh as they crumpled to the ground. As Sakura slapped her forehead and Sasuke had a staring contest with the grass, Naruto put his arms around both of them and pulled them to him for a team huddle.
"Okay, that was a failed attempt, but don't worry guys! There's more ideas in this genius head! He'll tell us how old he is in no time!"
A day later…
Team Kakashi all rested against the smooth plane of grass in a local field by the village. As they took a break from their training, each shinobi enjoyed the fresh smell of grass as they gazed upon the sky and the village with all four Hokage statues in sight.
Naruto leaned forward, sitting as he stared in awe as he stared at each carved head of the former Hokages.
"Hey, Kakashi-sensei…" Naruto began.
Both Sakura and Sasuke stared at the blonde, questioning what he was going to say. After all, he merely said he had more plans, but not when, where or what he was going to do. Their curiosity peaked as Naruto took his time to word his question.
"Yes, Naruto?" answered Kakashi as he sat with his knee propped up with his arm resting against it.
"Well, I was just wondering, Kakashi-sensei, if you were offered the job of Hokage, would you be the youngest or oldest Hokage ever?"
Kakashi tilted his head to the side. "Youngest or oldest in what? Experience?"
Naruto shook his head rapidly. "No, not experience! Age, Kakashi-sensei!" Cerulean eyes stared at the image of the fourth Hokage. "I mean, the Yondaime was a pretty young guy already. So would you be his junior or senior?"
At the mention of his former master, unbeknownst to Naruto, Kakashi's demeanor instantly changed. As Naruto continued to ramble, his voice faded from Kakashi's hearing as the body of the silver-haired jounin tensed.
Memories of his sensei filled his mind as the Yondaime held two bells in front of Kakashi, Obito and Rin. Pictures of the four of them together surfaced, then the image of Rin crying as Obito lay dying under a large boulder crushing his body as Kakashi watched helplessly his friend dying with nothing he could do about it came to light.
"Kakashi-sensei? Are you all right?"
Sakura's voice instantly drew Kakashi out of his thoughts as he glanced at the kunoichi. Naruto had continued rambling despite the jounin's vacant appearance ("I mean look at Sandaime-sama! He's OLD! He's so old his wrinkles have wrinkles!")
The ex-ANBU cleared his voice before standing up.
"Yes, I'm fine Sakura. Well, I think we did plenty of training today. I will see you all tomorrow at the crack of dawn."
"But, Kakashi-sensei, WAIT!" Naruto exclaimed, but by then Kakashi had already disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
"Way to go, dobe," Sasuke muttered with a scoff.
Steam flowed out of Naruto's ears. "Well, it's not like I see you doing anything, teme—!"
"Calm down, Naruto," Sakura spoke as she held Naruto back from pouncing on Sasuke. "We just need to come up with another plan. Maybe we should ask Kurenai-sensei or—"
Instantaneously, Naruto calmed down, his body freezing as one could literally see the light bulb lighting in his mind.
"Sakura-chan, that's IT!" He crushed her in a hug as Sakura visibly flinched.
"Naruto, get off me!" she yelled as she pushed the blonde shinobi off of her. Dusting her off, she asked, "What are you talking about?"
"Just think, Sakura-chan—where do babies come from?"
"You really are a dumbass, aren't you?" Sasuke spoke as he and Naruto exchanged glares.
"You're the idiot, teme! Babies come from hospitals! And with every baby comes a birth certificate!"
"I see what you mean, but how are we supposed to get it?" questioned Sakura.
"Simple, my dear Sakura-chan! You sometimes work in Konoha Hospital, don't you? Just pretend like you're doing some medical business and that will give you access to the room with all the birth certificates!"
Sakura glanced at Sasuke who merely shrugged.
"Well, I guess it doesn't hurt to try," the pink-haired girl stated as Naruto threw a fist in the air.
The doors slid open as Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke stepped inside.
Donning a white lab coat, Sakura turned to face her two male teammates. "Okay, you two stay here and don't touch anything. I'm talking to you, Naruto. Got it?"
Sasuke nodded as Naruto sighed, his shoulders slumping. "Yeah, yeah, Sakura-chan. Just hurry up! My curiosity is KILLING ME!"
Sakura nodded as she turned and walked down the hallway. After glancing at a few doors, her emerald eyes finally settled upon what she was searching for as the door read Confidential Documentation: Authorized Personnel Only.
She quickly looked around her surroundings before slowly reaching for the door handle.
Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder and was pulled away before she could reach the door.
No! thought Sakura.
Shannaro! Who's the bitch that did that? raged Inner Sakura.
Slowly the kunoichi turned around, only to be greeted by a strict nurse who was glaring at her.
"Oi, pinky, where do you think you're going?" asked the nurse. "Can't you read? That's for authorized personnel only. You're just a nurse, you don't get to go back there unless a doctor instructs you to!"
"I know, but—"
"Ah, ah! No excuses!" and with that, the nurse pushed Sakura towards the entrance of Konoha hospital. "Don't go back there until a doctor approaches me and tells me to let you in!"
The nurse turned on her heel and resumed her post behind a large desk.
Sakura sighed as Naruto and Sasuke approached her. "Sorry, guys. I tried."
"Don't worry about it, Sakura-chan," Naruto told her. "There's still a way to get to the birth certificates!"
"How, dobe? You heard her, she's not going to budge," Sasuke told him, his voice stern.
"She won't budge unless someone gets her to budge," Naruto answered as he raised his eyebrows suggestively at Sasuke. "She is young, and kinda pretty… I mean if you can look over that unibrow and thin mustache—"
"No. Way. Dobe," the Uchiha answered as his scowl deepened as he smacked Naruto upside the head. "No way in hell."
"Fine, fine, then I'll do it!" the blonde answered. Holding up a sign with his hand, Naruto disappeared in a small poof! before reappearing as none other than the handsome Uchiha.
Sasuke twitched at the duplicate image of himself. Just as he brought out his kunai, Sakura dragged him away.
"Come on, Sasuke-kun! It's the only way to get to the room!" the kunoichi pleaded.
Onyx eyes squinted before reasoning it was only for fights with powerful ninja that would follow the discovery of Kakashi's age. He shrugged off Sakura's grip on him.
"Fine, dobe. But keep it discreet or I will kill you."
Sakura flinched at the murderous vibe coming from Sasuke as Naruto laughed it off. "You got it, teme!" he answered, giving him a salute and a wink before walking towards the nurse.
"Hey there pretty lady," the blonde greeted as he smirked and winked—all in Sasuke's form.
Instantly a blush spread across the girl's cheek. Naruto, as Sasuke, brushed the girl's brunette bangs out of her eyes (and monobrow.) Inwardly resisting the urge to gag at the sight, Naruto gave the girl a dazzling grin.
"How's a lovely lady like you keep all the men from drooling over her?" Naruto added before giving a signal behind his back for his two teammates to come.
Watching Naruto do the opposite of what the Uchiha had told him, Sakura could feel the blood in Sasuke's veins boil. Just as the angry raven-haired male was about to pummel the idiot, Sakura literally dragged him along to help her find Kakashi's birth certificate.
"Focus, Sasuke-kun, focus!" she whispered to him as she pulled him away from Naruto once they passed him.
As the nurse fawned and snorted every time she giggled, Sakura and Sasuke slipped into the room with the files.
Both shinobi pulled open each file cabinet and searched diligently for the file name Hatake, Kakashi. Folders were being flung around the room as papers slipped out and piled against the floor.
After a couple minutes, Sakura shut down a cabinet in victory.
"I found it! I found it!" she squealed before Sasuke covered her mouth.
"Don't make noise or they'll find us," he muttered to her before pulling her out of the room as Sakura clutched the folder to her chest.
As they passed by Naruto, Sasuke punched him squarely in the chest, causing Naruto to poof back to his original form.
Instantly the nurse lost the hearts in her eyes as she coughed from the cloud of smoke. "No, wait, lover!" she screeched, extending her arm out towards him.
Once in a secure field surrounded by forests, Sasuke let go of both Naruto and Sakura.
Naruto clenched his chest as he coughed. "You son of a bitch! That was such a cheap shot, teme—!"
"Calm down, Naruto!" Sakura told him. "The point is we got the file!"
"Then what are you waiting for? Open it, open it, open it!" Naruto chanted as he bounced up and down.
Sasuke and Naruto stood on either side of Sakura as all three peered down at the beige folder. Slowly the pink-haired girl opened the file as the top of the document read: Hatake Kakashi, Birth Certificate.
Simultaneously all three eyes dropped to his date of birth.
Date: Tuesday, the 15th
Time: 3:54 a.m.
All three shinobi's jaws dropped.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Naruto yelled as he crumpled to the floor.
Sasuke scoffed and looked away as the folder fell out of Sakura's grasp.
The area where Kakashi's year of birth was written was faded away by a coffee stain.
The following day…
"I give up, I give up, I give up…" Naruto mumbled as he walked, zombie-like, towards the meeting grounds where Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke were waiting.
"Naruto, you look terrible," noted the silver-haired jounin, "and you're later than me! What happened to you?" Then Kakashi glanced at his other two students. "You two look terrible too. Am I missing something?"
Naruto collapsed in defeat, hitting the soft grass face first and he slumped forward like a slug. Sasuke went for round two with his staring contest with the grass and Sakura twirled her hair in her fingers, staring dazedly into the distance.
"What's gotten into all of you?" asked Kakashi. "Did you read a page of my Icha Icha Paradise?" He chuckled softly, smoothly taking out his prized possession. "I remember having that expression too when I first read it. You realized what treasure you were missing all this years, huh—?"
"No, you pervy sensei!" Naruto yelled. "We didn't read pervy sage's book!"
"Then what's gotten into you three?" questioned the silver-haired jounin with a tilted head.
"Well, Kakashi-sensei…" Sakura started as she pressed her two index fingers together. "We were wondering… Naruto, Sasuke-kun and I…"
"Just how old are you, Kaka-sensei?"
Silence befell the group of four as a soft breeze blew by.
"Oh, is that all?" asked Kakashi, blinking his charcoal eye innocently.
All three members of Team 7 nodded their head eagerly.
Kakashi smiled beneath his mask. "Oh my young students. I am 32."
"32?" Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura questioned simultaneously.
The ex-ANBU nodded. "Yes. 32… times 5 divided by 10, squared, minus 156, then you take the log root of that, cube it, multiply it by Pi, round it to the nearest whole number and add one." His eyes twinkled at the lost expression of each of his students.
"Calculate that all up, and that's how old I am!" he finished, eye crinkling in a smile.
Sakura's emerald eyes looked in every possible direction as she attempted to calculate the whole equation ("Okay, okay I got this… Carry the two… divide by 10… Shannaro! What else was it?")
Sasuke fumed silently, racking his brain to figure out the answer as he scowled, his mouth hidden beneath the wide collar of his navy blue shirt.
Meanwhile, Naruto blinked his deep cerulean eyes. After a few moments after Kakashi gave his super long equation, he answered, "…26?"
Both Sasuke and Sakura stared at Naruto, eyes wide and mouths gaping at the blonde. Kakashi, too, was surprised that the seemingly stupid boy figured out such a long and complex equation in a matter of seconds.
"Uh… yeah," Kakashi replied, sheepishly rubbing the back of his silver hair. "How did you figure that out?
Naruto stared ahead blankly as Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi tilted towards him to hear his answer. A wide, crafty grin spread across the blonde's face.
"How I did it…" he started slowly, watching the other three lean even closer.
"I just guessed!"