Doin' the Safety Dance

"Yes Wilson?"

"Did you feed Sarah?"

"Yes, Wilson."

"Half a can of prescription diet – warmed but not hot – and half a bowl of kibble ..."

"Yes, Wilson."

"And fill her water bowl with bottled water."

"She prefers peppermint Schnapps."

"House! She's diabetic!"

"Relax, moron. The cat's fine."

"That's good, because the last time ..."

"I didn't harm Hector!"

"Only because he reminded you of yourself. Sarah is-"

"A pussy like you?"

"Thanks a lot, House."

"I meant it affectionately."

"Yeah. Did you scoop the litter box?"

"Don't push it, Wilson."

"But if the litter isn't fresh she might have an accident."

"Don't worry, it's fresh. I poured the whole new bag into your bathtub for her."


"Hey, wouldn't want an accident on the floor ..."


"So how is your groin?"

"It's my back, House. And it's not the disk again … I just pinched a nerve. I can go home tomorrow."

"That's good because your House-pet-sitter coupon expires at midnight. Tonight."

"Be sure you leave the light on in the bathroom for her. And turn the tv on. Not too loud. She likes Animal Planet."

"You're kidding, right?"

". . ."

"So how did you pinch your groin muscle?"

"My back, House. I was … playing tennis."

"Interesting. The paramedics said they peeled you off your living room floor. Home court advantage?"

"Ok, I was (mumble, mumble) ..."

"What was that, Wilson? Speak up."

"I said I was dancing. It's very good exercise."

"Belly dancing?"

"Very funny. No. Just … fooling around with some old cd's."

"Ah. I see. Which one?"

"Never mind, House. Just lock things up when you leave."

"Was it Abba?"

"No, House ..."

"Oh … Barry Manilow? Duran Duran?"

"You wouldn't have heard of them. And leave my cd's alone."

"Village People?"

"NO! Now stop."

"You know me better than that."

"Ok! It was Men Without Hats. And when you're through mocking me, I'd like to get some rest."

"You're obviously delirious."

"Just forget about it, House."

"Which song?"

"House ..."

"YMCA …. YMCA ..."

"NOT the Village People, House. Men Without Hats."

"There's a difference? Oh, right … the Village People all HAVE hats."

"Just drop it, House."

"That's so likely."


"Which song?"

"(sigh) Alright, House. I was doing the Safety Dance."

"With a condom?"

"It's a song, House. And there's a sort of a dance that goes with … oh never mind."

"Men Without Hats … Safety Dance …"

"You're looking it up on YouTube, aren't you?"

"Of course ..."


". . . ! … Oh Wilson!"

"It's just a song, House. From a long time ago. Old times. Old memories ..."

"Wilson there's a dwarf dancing with farm animals . . . "

"Just a song, House!"

"And hobbits and shit ..."

"Just old memories House-"

"Of when you were chief entertainer at King Arthur's Court?"

"Let it go, House."

"So what is this SAFETY DANCE thing anyway?"

"It's this thing you do with your arms … you make an 'S' and you ..."

"I'm sad that you know this, Wilson ..."

"Well, you asked."

"Tell you what … you can show me when you get home."

"Yeah, that's gonna happen."

"I mean it. When you get out of there you can put on a whole show. I'll even work the lights for you."

"Shut up."

"Forget your troubles, come on get happy -"


"You better chase all your cares away -"


"Shout Hallejulah, come on get happy -"

"You're a dead man."

"Get ready for the judgment day -"