With Stefan with Klaus and so many of her loved one's dead, Elena's life feels empty. Bonnie agrees to help her find a way to go back, to start over and choose once again whether to let the Salvatore brothers into her life or not. What happens when a spell goes horribly wrong and she is sent much farther back in time than planed? Will she fall in love with Stefan all over again or choose the other brother instead?
Inspired by Damon's dying words: You should have met me in 1864. You would have liked me.
A/N: So I couldn't help myself. With no TVD I have so many thoughts swirling around inside of my head and this was one of them. The summary explains all that I am willing to say about this right now. I hope you like it! Enjoy!
My life feels so pointless.
The animal attacks on the news are multiplying daily as they move farther from Mystic Falls. I know it's him.
I'm so thankful that Damon is safe but…
I put my diary aside, frustrated that I had not been able to write a single entry as a knock sounded on the front door of the house. I couldn't imagine who it could be. For almost two weeks now, I hadn't had any real contact with anyone outside my own house. My main objective was to comfort Jeremy. He was taking Jenna's death excruciatingly hard and slept most of the time. Bonnie, Ric, and Damon were on Stefan patrol. Bonnie poured over books trying to find anything to help combat what Klaus had become. Damon and Ric did their best to help, but mostly contacted others, trying desperately to find help. What we were going to have to face to find Klaus, kill him, and save Stefan was feeling insurmountable.
I made my way to the stairs, checking in on Jer on my way. He lay in a tangle of sheets deep in sleep, his lips muttering words I could not hear, though I knew what they probably were. For two weeks he had been having nightmares, and not just involving Jenna. Anna and Vicky constantly haunted his dreams.
I quietly closed his bedroom door and tiptoed down the stairs to the front door, cautiously looking out the window before allowing anyone in. To my surprise, it was Damon. I unlocked the door and let him in. He was carrying bags from at least three different fast food places around town.
"So, I've found the missing Elena," he said, attempting to joke and lighten the dense, depressing mood that certainly permeated the house as he walked past me into the kitchen.
I smiled a weak smile, following him and slowly shook my head at the outstretched food before me.
"I'm not hungry."
"Frankly, Elena, I don't give a damn," he said. "Bonnie said that you haven't been eating, so I've come to feed you, even if I have to hold you down and force feed you. And trust me, I am willing to hold you down."
Damon raised his eyebrows suggestively, and I rolled my eyes. Giving in, I sat down at the kitchen table.
"Fine," I consented. "But you do realize that you brought an array of the unhealthiest food to feed me with, right?"
"Well we have to start somewhere. Now which one do you want?"
I reached out reluctantly for the Arby's bag sitting in front of Damon and spilled the contents onto the table in front of me.
"Good choice," he said. "You think Jeremy would mind the McDonalds? I can put it in the fridge for him."
"You're wasting you time thinking he's going to bother eating, but sure," I responded.
Damon frowned and went to put the bag of food in the fridge. He came back and opened the last bag of Burger King and started munching on fries. I zoned out, bouncing the curling fry in my hand up and down, thinking about how everything I tried to eat was just so unappetizing recently. Damon's voice interrupted my thoughts.
"Elena." His voice was stern. "Eat."
I rolled my eyes once again and stuck the fry in my mouth. We continued eating in silence for a while.
"You know…. everyone's really worried about you, Elena," Damon said after a while.
I responded with silence. I knew this. I wasn't stupid. Bonnie had called over and over. Ric constantly stopped by to 'check on the house.' Caroline texted me so much for the first couple of days after Stefan left that I opted to turn off my cell. Damon was the only one that had really given me my space since it had all happened and there were obvious reasons.
First of all, it was because that's exactly what he would want in my situation. Not to talk. To shut his feelings out. Also, I knew that he felt guilty. The one time that he had tried to call and left a message the guilt laced his voice. He was sorry that Stefan had chosen this life because of him, but I didn't blame him. I couldn't blame him. Even though Stefan was gone, I was glad that Damon was alive and well. The thought of what I would do if things had ended differently with him had crossed my mind, and it frightened me.
My final reason for explaining his avoidance was sketchier—something that I personally had thought but was too uncomfortable to dwell on in much detail. It was that he avoided me because he didn't know what to make of that night. Me laying beside him, kissing him softly. Yes he was dying, but I didn't have to do it. I knew that I for one was scared to death to open that box and talk about it, so I figured he was as well.
Damon cleared his throat, gaining my attention again.
"Bonnie wanted me to tell you that she's coming over tomorrow. She wants to have a girls day in—whatever that is."
"She needs to be looking for a way to find Stefan," I said, not really thinking about how demanding that sounded with me sitting in this house doing nothing to help.
"She needs a break Elena. She's been searching day and night. She's worried about you." He paused. "I'm worried about you."
The concern in his voice pricked at my emotions, and I felt my eyes start to grow wet with tears for the hundredth time today. Clearly seeing how upset I was, Damon stood and rounded the table, pulling me into a tight embrace. I answered by burying my head into the hollow of his shoulder and crying.
"Shh," he whispered. "It's going to be ok. We'll find him, Elena."
I pulled my head up and looked into his eyes.
"And what if you do? What is he going to be like, Damon?"
"It doesn't matter," he responded. "We can fix anything, he'll be fine. It would just take time."
The concern that had been growing bigger in my mind for the past week surfaced again and I felt as though I would explode if I didn't voice it.
"What if it matters to me?" Damon looked down at me confused, so I continued. "The police found dozens of bodies before the end of the first week of him being gone, and the only reason they didn't find more was because he left the area. Him telling me about what he did decades ago scared me, when he lost control months ago that scared me even more."
I took a deep breath that shook with a sob hidden deep in my throat before I continued.
"Damon, I'm scared of him. What if I can't love him after everything that he's already done in such a short time, let alone what he will do before we can finally stop him?"
I broke into hysterical sobs then. I had gotten it off my chest. Guilt filled me. How could I think these things?
"I'm horrible," I croaked. "I'm the most horrible person. I don't know if I can love my own boyfriend. I can't even help you guys find him because I'm scared of what will happen when we do. And to top it all off, while he was off sacrificing everything, I was kissing his brother."
Damon's arms tensed around me and, I brought my hand to my mouth, trying to catch words that were already long gone.
Damon lifted my chin with his finger and made me look into his eyes.
"You thought I was going to die, Elena," he stressed, his voice quaking. "You were comforting a dying man who admitted to loving you."
I shook my head slowly, pulling his hand out from underneath my chin.
"What if that's not all it was," I sobbed. "What if—"
I stopped there from a mixture of overwhelming tears and fear of finishing my sentence—fear of speaking the things that had been haunting my waking thoughts and sleeping dreams.
"Elena—" Damon started, his voice shaking, but I cut him off, wanting desperately to change the subject. Asking a question that I had asked myself over and over for months, but even more in the last couple of days
"What if you could take it all back? What if you could stop me from allowing you and Stefan into my life?"
Damon's answer came faster than I expected, like it was a no brainer.
"I wouldn't do it. It may be the most selfish thing I ever say, but I would never want you out of my life, Elena. I will always want you there."
A/N: Reviews make me happy!