DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fairy Tail.

"Do... Not... Read." Natsu recites, reading off the cover of a book, completely ignoring the fact that a seemingly fast-asleep Lucy was clutching it just moments ago.

"Whoa, Squinty Eyes can actually read!" Gray jeers, earning drunken laughs from the guild and a hiss from Natsu, who, for once, didn't send an insult back.

"Do not read, huh?" Natsu grins evilly. "Hey Gray, should I read this?" He shoves the book under the Ice Mage's nose, who repeats the same thing.

Gray snatches the book away, immediately flipping it open and reading its contents. He gasps, then shouts, offended, "I did not have a traumatic experience with clothes when I was younger!"

Natsu takes the book back, searching for any other Gray-disses. He howls with laughter. "Oh, look at this one! 'One time, I came across Gray and Erza, or at least what sounded like Gray and Erza, in a broom closet. I don't even want to think about what they were doing in there...'"

Makao whistles. "So Gray's finally got a girlfriend, huh?"

"It's about time he and Erza hooked up!" Wakaba slurs.

Erza stomps over furiously, rips the book out of Natsu's hands, and proceeds to search for anything about him.

"'I think Natsu has some kind of a father obsession,'" she reads out loud, perking the Dragon Slayer's attention, "'since everything he says or does always leads back to Igneel in some way.'"

"I'm not obsessed with Igneel!" Natsu protests indignantly. Erza harrumphs, then sets the book down, revenge served.

Happy picks it up, then finds an interesting detail about Erza. "Erza, listen to this! 'I caught Erza buying a rather erotic maid outfit from a confused shop owner. She stated that it was a valuable piece of armour required to save the world.'"

A sword whizzes past the Exceed, dangerously close to his head. Erza's glare burns into the back of Happy's head. Cana whoops, then dodges a lance that flies her way, still hugging her beer barrel.

Charle gets ahold of the book next, flips to a random page, then blushes furiously. She throws the book into the air and flies off, exclaiming, "The male cat forced me!"

Wendy catches it and says, "'I saw Charle and Happy kiss today.'" All heads turn to the blue cat, who nervously glances around for Charle. Failing to find her, he hastily shouts a "Goodbye!" and hightails it from the guild at Max Speed.

Gajeel takes the book from Wendy's hands, then immediately scowls at it. "Eating iron is perfectly normal," he mumbles grumpily. Finding a particular entertaining one, he reads it out loud.

"'I wonder what Natsu and Gray were doing in the bath house today. Those are not sounds that should be heard in a public place.'" He turns the book to the guild as proof that he didn't just make it up, and laughs. "I always knew there was something wrong with you, eating fire and all."

"You eat iron, bastard!" Natsu shoots back, slamming his flaming drink on the table.

"But didn't the earlier reading talk about Gray and Erza in a broom closet?" Levi points out.

"Cheating on your lover is not manly!" Elfman declares.

At that moment, Gray and Erza both shout, "We are not lovers!" They look at each other, then flush a deep shade of red.

Juvia picks up the dreaded book, then scans through it quickly. "Oh my," she says, then proceeds to read it aloud. "'I wonder what Gajeel wanted with Levi-chan, leading her into the secluded library and all...'"

Said bookworm blushes furiously, while Gajeel roars angrily. "Okay, who the fuck does this book belong to?" He sends an iron pillar shooting at Natsu, who returns it with a flaming kick, which also ends up hitting Elfman in the face. Elfman shouts about how taking the opponent by surprise is not manly, and goes berserk, hitting Erza with his Beast Arm.

Erza's I'm-Going-To-Beat-The-Living-Daylights-Out-Of-You aura flares to life, exquipping to her Heaven's Wheel armour and sending swords flying everywhere, conveniently shredding Gray's clothes to pieces. Cana lets out a drunken laugh, and begins brawling with her Card Magic as well.

Mirajane takes the book, flipping to the back cover. She chuckles, then ducks under one of Cana's cards. She sets the book down on the counter, and proceeds to clean shot glasses nonchalantly.

I bet the guild is in chaos by now, and I'm also sure that Natsu was the one who began reading this book first. Serves you right, burning down half my wardrobe!

The things about everyone else, however, was just an extra. Happy helped me come up with some of them. Go attack him.

Reverse psychology can fix anything!

A Fairy Tail Mage

Meanwhile, a certain blond, Stellar Spirit Mage can be seen shopping for clothes, grinning while imagining the state Fairy Tail must be in right now.

I'm trying out a new style of writing: humour, in present tense. Present tense is so difficult to do when I've been using past tense for so long. Tell me if you like it!

Oh yeah, Happy Canada Day!