Written for a prompt on the Disney Kink Meme asking for the Potatoheads' wedding ceremony (a special request was to include Jessie, which was why the wedding takes place after the events of Toy Story 2 rather than before). Enjoy!
Until Parts are All That's Left
The Saturday after Andy returned from Cowboy Camp, he went to a friend's house to play, and the toys were able to have their first meeting since the dramatic rescue of Woody from Al.
After Woody officially added Jessie, Bullseye, and the aliens into his records (written on the back of his doodle pad), he looked up to see Mrs. Potatohead enthusiastically waving her hand in the air. He nodded at her.
"Go ahead, Mrs. Potatohead."
"Well," she began, patting one of the alien's antenna, "as you know, my husband and I want to adopt these wonderful boys."
"Right," Woody said, making a note on his doodle pad. "We'll go over procedures when..." He squinted at the doodle pad. "Um, there seems to be a problem here...we don't have a record of your marriage."
"What?" the Potatoheads shouted as a buzz of conversation bubbled up around them.
"Could it be...could've sworn they were...don't remember the wedding..."
"Uh, Woody?" Buzz suggested. "Surely that's some sort of mistake; I mean, the packaging clearly says 'Mrs.'..."
"I know," Woody said, "but unless we have witnesses, it doesn't count..."
"Oh, no!" Mrs. Potatohead shrieked. "We've been living in sin!" She burst into tears.
Mr. Potatohead patted her back. "Don't worry, honey; I'll make an honest spud out of you." He looked up at Woody and Buzz. "What should we do?"
"Well, um, obviously-" Buzz began, but he was cut off by Jessie.
"Yee-hah! We're gonna have ourselves a wedding!" she shouted, causing Mrs. Potatohead to stop crying immediately.
"Oh, a wedding! I've never been to one of those!" she exclaimed happily.
"Um...Jessie," Woody whispered. "We've never had a wedding before..."
"Oh, don't worry," she said. "For about a month, all Emily would do was marry her Barbie to a Combat Carl over and over; I know exactly what to do!"
"All right, it's settled," Woody said, getting the toys' attention. "Andy starts school again in two weeks; the first day of school, the Potatoheads are getting married."
Next week, the toys spent every unattended moment planning for the wedding. Mr. Potatohead had "shaved" again for the occasion; Bo and Jessie spent a lot of time with Mrs. Potatohead, helping her rub off ink stains and shine her eye and ear parts to look her best.
While all this was going on, Woody and Buzz stood off to the side with Hamm, Rex, and Slinky.
"This just doesn't seem worth it," Hamm lamented. "It was bad enough when they first got together, but now it's going to happen all over again."
"What's going to happen?" Rex asked, confused.
"He's just depressed because he's losing his poker buddy again," Slinky laughed. "So, Woody, are you paying attention for you and Bo?"
Woody started coughing really loudly.
"Ahem, sorry, Slink. I, um...couldn't hear you," Woody said.
"Oh, come on, Sheriff," Buzz said, playfully jostling Woody's arm. "There's nothing wrong with committing to one toy until yard sales or abandonment do you part."
"Right, Buzz," Woody retorted. "Why don't you tell Jessie that?"
"Tell me what?" Buzz had no time to react for Jessie was standing right behind them.
"Well, uh...just that you, um...it's wonderful you're so helpful to the Potatoheads," Buzz stammered while Hamm tried to muffle his snickering.
"Aw, how sweet," Jessie said. "Say, you wanna go watch the aliens with me for a bit? I think Mr. Potatohead needs a break."
Sure enough, Mr. Potatohead was at the end of his rope, with the aliens constantly following him and saying, "You have saved our lives; we are eternally grateful."
"Rex, Hamm; why don't you take Mr. Potatohead out for some guy time?" Buzz suggested, before turning back to the cowgirl. "Jessie and I will, um, watch the little ones."
He didn't have to tell them twice; the toys were up and running off in the opposite direction from the aliens before Buzz could ask for any special instructions.
"Well," he said, looking at Jessie, "I guess we're babysitting now." He cleared his throat nervously. "Sorry for volunteering you, but I didn't think you would mind."
"Aren't you a sweet one?" Jessie smiled back. The aliens clustered around her. "C'mon, kids, how 'bout I tell you a story about the time Woody and I had to save a bunch of critters from a runaway mine cart?"
"Oooooo," the aliens chimed and shuffled closer to her. Jessie immediately began telling the tale of her brave deeds while Buzz just stood, charmed by the attractive way her plastic green eyes glowed as she acted out the story.
Meanwhile, Mr. Potatohead, Hamm, and Rex were making the treacherous walk across the hallway into Molly's room. The family was at a doctor's appointment to get Andy and Molly checkups and their chicken pox vaccinations, but the toys didn't know how long that would take.
"But, Hamm!" Rex whispered nervously. "I don't understand why we have to go to Molly's room! Why couldn't we play cards in Andy's room?"
"Because, you lunkhead," Hamm explained, "Idaho here needs a break, and we're gonna give it to him."
With a little bit of force from the piggy bank, Molly's half-shut door swung open, revealing a bright pink room with pink shelves covered with dolls.
"Dolls?" Potatohead said. "Hey, I may not technically be married, but I've still got standards."
"Yeah, well, wait 'till you see this doll!" Hamm said, pulling the two other toys to the top of Molly's dresser where an original 1959 Barbie doll stood on display.
"Wowsa!" Potatohead cried as he eyed the volumptuous model's strapless swimsuit. "Where has she been all my life?"
"Just wait," Hamm whispered. "It'll get better."
Barbie looked at them from the sides of her eyes and scowled. "Oh, great, more Y chromosomes coming to gawk at my perfectly disproportionate body, just what I wanted to have today," she sniped. "God, you chauvinistic pigs make me sick."
"That's...very different from the Barbie we met," Rex said.
"Yeah, well," Barbie said, rolling her eyes," that's because the media has brainwashed them into thinking that just because a smile is permanently frozen onto their faces, they're happy being subject to male oppression." As Barbie continued, Hamm poked Potatohead in the side.
"Sit back and enjoy the show, ya spudhead," he said, "because after this, we're having a Battleship tournament."
The first day of school began with Andy reluctant to wake up after a summer of sleeping in until nine every morning.
"Mom, I don't want to go to school," he whined, purposely taking a long time to put his socks and shirt on.
"Andy, get moving," his mom said sternly. "We have to leave in fifteen minutes, and you need to brush your teeth."
Andy looked longingly at his toys.
When his mother came back in five minutes, he was on the floor, excitedly narrating the aliens' daring escape from Rex, whom Jessie was riding like a horse.
"Come on, Rex; we've got to rid this city of those nasty varmints! Sic 'em!" he made Jessie yell.
"Run faster, my brothers; we'll be safe with Woody and Buzz in just a moment," Andy said in the squeaky, stilted voice he used for the aliens. "They'll take us back to Pizza Planet."
"Andy!" his mom said, coming into the room. "Brush your teeth now; you're going to be late!"
With a groan, Andy put his toys down and ran to the bathroom to obey his mother.
The toys waited until they heard the sound of the car leaving the driveway before getting up and running about excitedly.
"Quick, Woody!" Jessie shouted, tossing some Tinker Toy parts at him. "We've gotta get the canopy up and ready!"
The next few minutes passed in a flurry of activity; Mrs. Potatohead was flailing about nervously, trying her best not to trip and scuff her newly-shined eyes. Mr. Potatohead had accidentally left his ear in Molly's bedroom, so Woody had had to send Buster on a mission to retrive it.
"Great, dog slobber all over my ear," Mr. Potatohead said, somewhat upset. "Just what I need on the most important day of my life."
"No time for that," Hamm said, nudging Mr. Potatohead so that he could see his bride.
Mr. Potatohead's mouth fell off in shock; Mrs. Potatohead's hat was decorated with fake flowers borrowed from the dining room table, and her eyes had been shined so well that Mr. Potatohead would later swear they sparkled.
"Are you ready, darling?" he asked.
"Readier than ever," she responded, and they linked arms.
The crowd of toys separated, making a pathway to the canopy Jessie had made out of a Barbie bedspread and some Tinker Toys, and the Potatoheads walked to the canopy, where Woody was waiting for them.
"Mr. and...uh," Woody looked up from the words Jessie had written from him, "soon-to-be-Mrs. Potatohead, you have come to be married before all of Andy's toys. They will act as witnesses to the validness of your union. I ask you to join arms."
As the Potatoheads linked arms, Jessie and Bo smiled at each other; weddings really were so wonderful.
"Mr. Potatohead," Woody read, "do you take...this potato to be your wife? Do you promise to protect her from harmful play, to keep her from the bottom of the toybox, and to remain faithful to her until parts are all that's left?"
"I do," Mr. Potatohead said solemnly, staring into Mrs. Potatohead's eyes. The emotion was too much for Rex, who suddenly began sobbing uncontrollably.
"Aw, come on, Rex," Hamm complained. "You're ruining the moment."
Woody repeated the same vows for Mrs. Potatohead to say; when she said "I do," Buzz noticed Jessie sniffing and rubbing her nose.
"Well," Woody continued, "now that everyone has witnessed your vows, you are married according to the rules of Andy's bedroom. This contract is binding until one of you is lost, sold, or thrown away. Do you agree to these terms?"
"We do," the Potatoheads replied.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Buzz said proudly. "Go on and give your bride a kiss!"
The crowd cheered as Mr. Potatohead dipped his wife and gave her a big smack on her plastic lips; at this point, Hamm burst into tears and had to excuse himself for a moment.
"Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead," Woody said after the cheers had died down. "But there's one more matter to attend to." He gestured to the aliens, who came forward and joined the Potatoheads under the canopy.
"Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead, the same vows you gave each other today apply to these children you wish to adopt. Do you promise to protect and love them until parts are all that's left?"
"We do," they answered together.
"Very well. Aliens, you are now part of the Potatohead family."
"Boys!" Mrs. Potatohead cried, tearing up and throwing her arms out to embrace the aliens.
"Mommy! Daddy!" they exclaimed. Mr. Potatohead tried to avoid the hug, but Mrs. Potatohead grabbed his arm so hard she almost pulled it out and brought him into the hug too.
"They make a sweet couple, wouldn't you say?" Bo asked as she slipped her arm through Woody's.
"Oh, sure; they were made for each other," Woody agreed. "Literally. Same plastic mold and everything."
As Slinky embraced the new family with his springy body, effectively tying them together, and as Bo laid her head on Woody's, and as Rex awkwardly tried to pat Hamm on the back, Buzz stared hard at Jessie's hand. For a split second, he reached out, then pulled it back.
Next time, he thought. Next time.