Author's Note: I got this idea while watching the Family Guy episode where Peter got a genie after drinking a can of beer and makes some dumb wishes.

P.S.: This is an AU, where everyone is living in modern day with city buses and stuff.

P.S. #2: WARNING! This chapter has some cursing in it; I put it in after thinking of the South Park movie scene where Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny curse in class and get in trouble for it.

Chapter 1: Class Fight and A Note

Pinocchio was sitting in class on a beautiful, sunny, cloudless day. The teacher, Mr. Meucci, went on about something to do with math. Pinocchio squinted at the blackboard as if trying to see what was written on it.

Mr. Meucci stopped explaining the problem, then looked at the children in the room. "Can anyone tell me what three times ten is?" He saw a little boy raising his hand. "Yes, Alexander?"

"One million?" Alexander guessed.

"Okay…good guess," said Mr. Meucci, not wanting to embarrass his student. "Anyone else? Come on, don't be shy."

"I think I know the answer, Mr. Meucci," a little girl named Luigina said excitedly.

"'I think I know the answer, Mr. Meucci'," Lampwick (whose real name was Romeo) mimicked the girl.

"Hey, shut up, Beaver Teeth!" Luigina said.

"Hey! Don't call me Beaver Teeth, you fucking bimbo!" Lampwick replied.

"Romeo, did you just say the "F" word?" Mr. Meucci asked.

"Bimbo?" Lampwick asked, trying to play dumb.

"No, he's talking about fuck! You can't say fuck in school, you fucking jackass!" Luigina said.

"Luigina!" said Mr. Meucci.

Pinocchio and his friend, Jiminy Cricket, shook their heads and put their faces in their hands.

"Why the fuck not?" Lampwick asked.

"Romeo!" said Mr. Meucci.

"Lampy, you just said fuck again," said Alexander.


"Fuck," another girl named Ernesta said out of the blue.


"What's the big deal? It's not hurting anybody," said Lampwick.

"How would you all like to see the school counselor?" Mr. Meucci asked furiously.

"How would you like to—" Lampwick began.

"Cut it out," Pinocchio said through gritted teeth to the kid next to him.

"Fine," Lampwick said with a sigh. He crossed his arms and doodled on his workbook.

"That's better," said Mr. Meucci. "Now, Luigina, since you had your hand raised, what is three times ten?"

"Three hundred?" the little girl said. Obviously, she wasn't paying attention.

"This is madness…" Lampwick said, much to Pinocchio's annoyance. "This…is…SPARTA!"

Pinocchio let out a groan and was still trying to make out the writing on the blackboard. It was bad enough that Lampwick made him watch the movie 300 with him three hundred times in a row; now he had to go and quote the movie in class? Pinocchio didn't mind hanging out with Lampwick, but he could be really annoying at times.

"Romeo, do I have to call your parents?" Mr. Meucci asked.

"No," Lampwick mumbled. He sank back in his chair and put his feet up on the desk.

Mr. Meucci got back to the lesson at hand. "Good try, Luigina. Can anyone else tell me the answer? How about you, Pinocchio?" He turned his attention to one of the smartest students in the class.

"Uh…" Pinocchio said. "What does that say?" He pointed to the problem on the board.

Mr. Meucci looked surprised.

"Um…is it…um…three thousand and one?" Pinocchio asked.

A look of concern graced Mr. Meucci's features. "Okay…um, Pinocchio, I'm going to send you home for the day." He scribbled a note, motioned for Pinocchio to come up to his desk, and gave the boy the folded piece of paper. "Give this to your father, okay?"

"Okay," Pinocchio replied. He grabbed his stuff and walked out of the classroom. Lampwick decided to follow him.

"Ooooooooh, you're in trouuuuublllllle," Lampwick said in a singsong voice.

"Stop it," said Pinocchio. He tried his best to ignore the boy next to him.

"That's it, Pinoch," Jiminy whispered while perched on Pinocchio's head. "Don't give him the satisfaction. Just ignore him."

"Pinocchio's in trouble, Pinocchio's in trouble," Lampwick sang as he followed Pinocchio out of the school. He was now riding on his moped.

Pinocchio reached his house half an hour later. He saw his father, Geppetto, working on a new clock.

Geppetto heard the door open and close. He knew his son must be home. Then he looked at the clock on the DVR: Eleven-thirty in the morning. School didn't let out until three-fifteen in the afternoon.

"Pinocchio, you're home early," Geppetto said. He put the clock he was working on down.

"Mr. Meucci sent me home with this," Pinocchio said. He handed his father the note.

"Huh?" Geppetto said. He opened the note and read it:


Pinocchio was having trouble seeing the math problem on the blackboard in class today. Please make an appointment with the eye doctor as soon as possible.

Have a good day,

Mr. Meucci

Geppetto put the note down.

"Father, is it bad?" Pinocchio asked. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, Pinocchio, you didn't do anything wrong," said Geppetto. "Your teacher said you were having trouble seeing the math problem on the board in class today. Is that true?"

"Well…yeah," an embarrassed Pinocchio said.

"Well, I'll make an appointment with the eye doctor for tomorrow," said Geppetto. "Oh, my little Pinocchio, you may need glasses."

Geppetto and Pinocchio saw Lampwick dancing outside their window.

"Father, Lampwick followed me here," said Pinocchio.

Geppetto opened the front door and glared at the buck-teethed boy. "Do I have to call your parents?"

"Uh, no," said Lampwick. He quickly took his moped back to school.

"Jiminy, how did Mr. Meucci know I had trouble seeing the problem on the board?" Pinocchio asked.

"You were squinting," said Jiminy.

"Oh," Pinocchio said as Figaro started clawing at the couch.