BONUS! Nursemaid Dume.
Summary: Oh no! A malfunction with the Mask of Time has turned Jaller, Hahli, Matoro, Kongu, Hewkii, and Nuparu into toddlers! And the Turaga have to take care of them all and find a way to change them back! What cute chaos will ensure!?
Non-canon verse, obviously. Although this takes place while everyone is still on Mata-nui.
A/N~ BONUS CHAPTER TIME! SQUEE~! This bonus chapter contains all the hilarity you could expect from, wait for it, Nursemaid Dume. Yep. I'm putting the bonnet on Dume. He knocking at my door with a crowbar yet? XD please enjoy folks!
A/N 2~ Now edited!
How in the hell did he get roped into this?
No really, he would love to know. Because quite frankly, the last two hours have been nothing but a big, jumbled blur to him!
But he digressed, as there was no point in crying over something that couldn't be fixed now. And even less so something he couldn't even fully remember. God, he must have been sloshed or something, because like hell he would have agreed to something like this while sober!
"Murder," He grit out, "I'm going to murder your Turaga."
The kids paid him no mind, instead continuing in their playing, napping, or TV watching. Dume himself was off sulking in an armchair and glaring hatefully at the back wall.
Yes, Turaga Dume had somehow, Mata-nui above only knows how, gotten roped into babysitting the kids for the day. How did this happen? Why did this happen!?
'I swear on Mata-nui's name, I am going to murder you all!' Dume thought, imagining his colleagues all going up in flames. And drowning. And being strangled. And eaten by Muaka…
'Maybe I can convince them to swallow some thumb-tacks…' Dume thought. The idea was disturbingly relaxing…
Oh yes, that was another reason he was in a sour mood. Yes, he could understand kids not being able to pronounce certain words and crap, he himself had trouble pronouncing words as a kid, but seriously? Oh if he wasn't sure Nuju was secretly watching him through some kind of spy camera, or coercing (threating) Vakama to use his mask to hide them, he would have…oh forget it. Even he couldn't hit kids.
But like hell he couldn't spank them…
"What…" He growled lowly.
He seemed to suddenly realize that all of the kids were standing around his legs in a half circle. All six were looking up at him with something akin to…admiration? Expectance? It was hard to tell, but either way, it made his ego happy.
"Well?" He sighed, "Spit it out. What did you want to ask me?"
The kids looked at each other briefly, as if mentally conversing. The other Turaga had once told him about this, and he suddenly found himself agreeing that it was quite a bit creepy…
He really needed to stop watching horror movies about evil children when he's bored. This was just ridiculous…
After a moment passed, the kids' ambassador, better known as Jaller, stepped forward and looked up at Dume.
"Dume." He corrected.
See, this is a good example of why Dume never married and had kids. Not only were they a hassle and got on his nerves, but they were annoying. And they couldn't pronounce his damn name! It was two syllables for crying out loud!
"Forget it, now just tell me what you want so I can go back to sulking." Brutally honest, even with himself. It was an admirable trait he supposed.
"Okie…" Jaller said.
And all at once, the kids plopped down onto their rumps in front of Dume and stared up at him, as if expecting him to go into one of his political speeches. He was certainly reminded of it actually.
"Where do babies come fwum?"
Complete. And utter. Horror.
Where do babies come from, he said. They all wanted to know where babies came from. They all expected an answer from Dume about the birds and the bees…
Mata-tap-dancing-nui on stilts, this would be such a good time for Dume's age to be made apparent so he could lapse into a stroke and avoid the whole thing. Because a stroke would be very welcome right now! He kind of wished he ate that last piece of cake so he could increase his chances of a heart attack! It would be very appreciated right now!
"Wha…?"oh sure, forget the stroke or heart attack, lets instead say something unintelligent. Totally acceptable.
Hewkii turned to Jaller, "Dumba maybe not know?"
"Nuh-uh, Dumba's a grown-up, he's gotta know." Jaller argued.
"Maybe Dumba is dumb?" Kongu suggested, all the while picking his nose.
"What-!? I am not-! I do so know where babies come from!"
The others looked up at his eagerly at this. Curse his damned pride! He should have just played dumb and left it at that! It would be so much less awkward!
"Tell us!" Jaller demanded. Dume frowned.
"Yeah, I don't think so. You're not old enough to hear about these things." He said, rubbing his forehead. A headache was coming in…
Hewkii whined, "See!? Dumba don't know where babies come fwum!"
"Dummy-head!" Kongu laughed, pointing at Dume.
'You little…' Dume grit his teeth, his headache turning into a migraine.
But there was no chance in hell he was going to start getting into an argument about his intelligence with toddlers. That's just beyond stupid; it's something Matau would do! In fact, arguing with Matau was like arguing with a toddler in and of itself. And besides, he didn't need to prove anything to them, they were kids! What did they know?
"Dummy-head Dumba~! Dummy-head Dumba!" Jaller sang.
"Will you be quiet?" Dume growled.
"Dummy-head Dumba! Dummy-head Dumba! Dummy-head Dumba!"
No, he was not going to fall into temptation and yell at them…
"Hehehe! Big dummy-head is a dummy-head! Hahahah!"
Don't give in…they are children, they are idiots, and don't know any better…
Screw morals sideways to high hell and back…
Finally, Nuju thought. Honestly, it was like the universe hated him or something. Somehow, Mata-nui only knew how, he and his fellow Turaga had all gotten caught up in incidents in their own koros at the same time, and therefore had to leave the kids to Dume. Dume!
First it was him having to deal with a sudden avalanche that had blocked off a trading route. Then Vakama and Whenua, the first of which was dealing with a lava leak in Onu-koro, which Whenua was also caught in. Then Nokama had to handle some aqua-ducts being backed up, and Onewa's village got caught in a dust storm! And Matau…oh Matau…
'Who the hell gets their foot stuck in a toilet!?' Nuju thought with a sigh. Last he heard, he was still trying to get out of said toilet…
"Oh relax Nuju, I doubt anything bad has happened. He's only been watching them for a few hours." Vakama said.
He, Whenua, Nuju, and Nokama were the only ones who managed to get out of their situations the quickest. And they all swore to Dume that they would take his shift the moment one of them was available. They all decided to meet up and spare Dume any more time with the little hellions. They were sure he was about to flip his lid about now, despite only having been with the kids for maybe five or six hours…
"You think he ate them?" Whenua joked.
Nuju fixed him with a sharp glare, "Shut your mouth you ape, I don't want to think about stuff like that. For all we know, he did eat them!"
Vakama sighed as the two started arguing. Really, the two of them could act like they hated each other's guts or seem like an old married couple. It was baffling sometimes. Although Vakama couldn't honestly help but be a bit concerned for the kids in Dume's hands.
"I'm sure they're fine Vakama." Nokama said, noticing Vakama's worried expression.
"Still, this is Dume we're talking about," Vakama said, "And we all know he isn't exactly best with little kids. He doesn't even like dealing with new Toa."
"Well still, I doubt he'd resort to physically harming them, he has some morals." Nokama reasoned. Although he could tell she was just as nervous. He seemed to notice that all of them were doing a kind of speed-walk as well…
He was actually surprised Nuju hadn't stolen a riding Husi and rode to Metru-nui like a hero in a bad movie.
They reached the Coliseum in what felt like no time. And once there, they went in and took their usual route to the kid's room, where they also hoped Dume was as well. Chaos happens when an adult wasn't with the kids. But then again, chaos also happened when Dume got pissed off. They were half expecting to be hearing children screaming and Dume cursing…
But it was silent when they arrived on their selected floor. No yelling, no screaming, no cursing, and nothing was broken. Which was odd, if not a bit foreboding.
Instantly they thought that they may have killed each other…
Okay, not really, but this was honestly scary to them.
"Shouldn't we be, you know…" Whenua started, "Hearing from them about now?"
"I…don't know…?" Vakama said rather lamely. Nuju scoffed beside them and pushed past them.
"Well I'm not going to stand here and wait to find out." He proclaimed, marching over to the door.
But just as he was about to knock, the door flew open, startling Nuju. And there in the doorway was Dume, simply standing there casually…with a smirk on his face.
"That was quick, I honestly thought you all would be gone all day." He said rather jovially. The Turaga were instantly disturbed.
"Uh…we uh…we managed to solve things quickly, so…" Vakama said uncertainly.
"Splendid!" a collective shudder, "The kids are inside if you want to see them."
"Did they uh…behave?" Nokama asked.
"Absolute angels they were," Wow this was not at all creepy, "Learned a lot from them actually."
"Um, good for you…? A-anyways, can we please just see them?" Nuju broke in, now quiet eager to check on Matoro.
"Sure, sure, go ahead. I'll be in my office," Dume said, slipping past the others and down the hall, but he paused, "They asked quite a few interesting questions today. Maybe they can show you what they learned."
And he promptly vanished down the hall. Alright, now the Turaga were thoroughly concerned. All four rushed into the room, expecting to find some kind of macabre scene out of a movie, or maybe the kids rocking in a corner.
But none of that was present, shockingly. All the kids were doing was…well, their everyday thing. Playing with toys, watching TV, coloring and drawing, just their usual routine.
It was so mundane and normal, it fair made the Turaga want to turn tail and flee the building…
"Um, kids?" Vakama started.
That caught their attention. The kids all looked up and turned their heads to the recently arrived Turaga, and once they seemed to catch onto who they were, they all ran up to them and just stared at them. A bit uncomfortable, if not a bit uncertain, Nuju cleared his throat and kneeled down to Matoro.
"So how was being with Dume? Not too traumatizing I hope." He tried lightly.
Matoro blinked at him before beaming at Nuju.
"Fuck!" he chirped.
It was so bizarre, the others could have sworn they heard what sounded like glass breaking in Nuju's head. Quite frankly, they all swore they felt something shattering in their heads.
"Fuck!" The other kids chirped at once. Yep, something broke. No doubt.
"Wha-…WHAT!?" They all yelled in shock. The kids only smiled.
"Dumba said when two people like each other, they 'fuck' and that's what makes babies!" Jaller explained.
"Yeah! We like you! Fuck!" Hewkii followed.
"Mama-kama, can I have a sister if we fuck?"
"I love papa! Fuck?"
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
"I like Matty! We fuck now?"
"How do you fuck?"
"Dumba said it was like a 'super-mega-special' hug…"
"Fucking is hugging?"
Meanwhile hidden away in a different room, Dume was enjoying a nice aged bottle of scotch and some quiet time all to himself.
"Karma, thou art a heartless bitch…" he chuckled, "And I love you."
Yeah, he was probably going to be killed later, most likely by Nuju for 'tainting his little angel's mind'. But like hell it wasn't worth it! They're never going to ask him to babysit again!
And that's the way he liked it. He was a bachelor after all.
He only wished Matau and Onewa were there to see it. They would have been so proud of him…
To be continued…
A/N~ Hehehehe, oh wow, this is so inappropriate~ 8D please enjoy this hilarious(?) bonus chapter and tell me what you think!