Previously……Lots of loyal fans jumped ship when shoddy writing, a complete lack of continuity, and thinly veiled contempt for the viewer made it impossible to follow a show with over six years of complicated lore to remember and sort out. And then Scully had that damn baby and Mulder left for no discernable reason and my god how boring are Doggett and Reyes? Oh, sorry, wrong show. I have issues.Previously on Buffy……The formerly adorable but now just depressing friends watched Spike's farewell video, and they all learned a valuable lesson from the perceptive and sexy vampire. So, Tara has a backbone, Xander's craving waffles, Anya doesn't have a lot to do, Dawn …oh, who cares, Angel needs some alone time with his Dippity Do, Willow may only be gay part time, and Buffy really, really likes having sex with Spike. And lucky for her, it looks like Spike isn't as dusty as she thought.
Spike stood in the doorway of his crypt, exuding powerful sexuality as he leaned against the doorframe, his hair tousled just so, a cigarette dangly from his soft, beautiful, wicked curved lips that always gave the appearance of being just kissed. Which made sense considering the amount of sex he was having with Buffy.
The gang all stared at Spike, no one believing the image before them. Spike was dead. They had his ashes. They had just watched his video. Something hellmouthy must be going on.
"Hey, Spike." Dawn repeated her hello.
"Hey, nibblet. What's with the bloody intervention?"
"Spike?" Buffy questioned, her poor gaunt body vibrating with pent-up sexual frustration, as she hadn't had sex with the evil but insatiable vampire in almost two weeks and she was just about ready to jump him then and there, weird hellmouthy back-from-the-dust inconsistencies be damned.
"Spike, it's you." Buffy whispered again.
"Spike, you're dead." Xander pointed out helpfully.
"No, you're really dead." Willow knew she hadn't performed any crack like magic, so she was as confused as everyone else.
"Hello, vampire. Of course I'm bleedin' dead. Crikey, Angel, care to explain how this works to them?"
"Spike, we all thought you were, well, dusty." Angel ran a hand through his hair, mentally trying to wrap his mind around Spike's presence and the fact that he hadn't fixed his hair in over an hour. The stress was getting to him.
"And you all bloody thought this because?" Spike moved into the crypt, amusement crossing his chiselled face as the still in disbelief Scoobies followed his every supposedly improbable movement. Each tried to rationalize his presence in there own way – always a fun activity on the hellmouth.
"Is this a spell? I'm sure I can figure it out. I'm a lot more powerful than people think." Tara ditched the stammer and attempted to get to the heart of the matter.
"Maybe he's Spike from another dimension. You know, like the one with all the shrimp?" Anya chimed in with ex-demon like giddiness.
"He's a ghost! An evil ghost come to haunt us with snide remarks and taunt us with his impossibly well defined six-pack!" Xander was really reaching with that one.
"Vampires can't be ghosts. We're already dead." Angel had that annoying dippy tone again. "Someone else must have done the resurrection spell."
"Why would someone else resurrect Spike?" Buffy whined, peeved that bringing Spike back wasn't All. About. Buffy. "I'm supposed to bring him back. I'm the one who loves, uh… loaves…loathes…LOATHES him." Oh, faulty dismount. I give her an 8.8.
"Blimey, I am in the room people. Would someone bloody well tell me what's going on?"
"We thought you were gone. You know, stake, heart, poof, make friends with Mr. Dust Buster." Willow eyed Resurrected!Spike, in kind of a bisexual way.
"Is that right? Care to explain why?"
"Well you weren't here, and you weren't out on patrol, and you weren't at the bars." Buffy pouted mightily and was complaining like a sixth grader who hadn't been given her fair share of candy. Mmm, Candy!Spike. "And you didn't say goodbye or leave a note, and you didn't come by and shag me senseless for 7 hours at a time."
Spike smirked his sexy smirk that had the ability to turn any woman's knees to jelly and cause them to rip off their clothes in a pre-orgasmic frenzy. "Miss me, didja, pet?"
Buffy slowly walked up to Spike, drinking in his lithe body as she went. Goddess, she had missed him and his all-encompassing sexiness.
"Uh, guys?" Angel interrupted the rather graphic undressing each other with their eyes. Buffy and Spike snapped back to attention, their bodies shuddering with unfulfilled sexual need. "We sort of need to figure out what's going on here."
"Right then. Save the reunion shag for later. Build up a little more tension, right luv?" Spike gave Buffy a smack on the ass, and leaned up against a sarcophagus. "So, I wasn't around, and you wankers immediately assume I'm dust. Wonderful powers of deduction you all have. Things really have gone downhill since the Watcher left, haven't they?"
"Well, there was all the dust. Dust usually equals dead vampire."
"You found this dust where, sweetheart?"
"Here, in the crypt. Like you always said, a big pile of dust. Look." Buffy handed Spike the canister she had been carting around for a week like a security blanket. A freaky, dusty, cheap ass security blanket.
"You put me in a bleedin' coffee canister? What, no sodding urn? No bloomin' memorial plaque?" Spike was deeply offended. "Oh, I get it, Spike's dirt. Sweep him up and put him in the nearest tin can, out with the trash. Forget how much help he's been or how amazingly talented he is sexually…"
"Right. Well, it isn't bleedin' me, obviously. This dust is just," Spike fingered the grey powdery substance, "ashes."
"Well, duh, we know that. But ashes of what?"
"Dunno. Fags. Dust. Cobwebs. The usual." Spike shrugged, emphasizing his angular shoulders. "Still wondering why you thought this was me."
"But…dust…here, in the crypt…you not around…" Buffy carefully took in the look of the crypt. Ash. Check. Dust. Check. Dirt. Check. On idiotic sexually frustrated slayer who had been inhaling floor sweepings like some of Willow's magic crack. Check and check.
"So, you're saying Buffy overreacted? That the dust was just your shoddy housekeeping?" Wow, Xander had actually managed to pay attention and comprehend a conversation.
"A kewpie doll for the bricklayer."
"Well then, this has all been a valuable waste of time during which I could have been making money or having sex with Xander."
"But Buffy, how could you be so wrong?" Willow pointed out one of the major plot holes in this story. "Shouldn't you know what vampire dust looks like?"
"Yeah, I guess." Buffy began to tear up. Not because the occasion called for tears, but because that's what she did now. Back from the dead? Cry. Best friend addicted to magic? Cry. Break a nail? Cry. Have the best sex of your life? Cry. Wake up in the morning? Cry. Thank the goddess for Maybelline waterproof mascara. "It's just I like having sex with Spike so much, but it seems to piss a lot of people off, so when he wasn't around I was afraid that maybe he'd been written off the show."
"Are you insane? Think about it. As long as the puffy butt-monkey boy and I are the only men in this bleedin' tragic soap opera, I'm not going anywhere." Spike took a long, slow, sensuous drag from his cigarette before tossing it to the ground and grinding it under his heel with a swift powerful motion that would turn on any woman. "Especially if I maintain this hard muscled body and keep agreeing to do the soft core porn shots."
Visualizing Spike's graphic imagery, Buffy began to drool all over her already snot covered cashmere, Anya began planning what she could do to get Puffy!Xander back in shape, Willow began to remember what she used to see in men, and hell, even Tara began to consider giving Spike a go. Because no one is too gay for a little Spike.
"Uh, guys?" Xander watched as the girls stood transfixed, images of Naked!Spike traipsing through their minds.
"Hey, we're still standing right here!" Angel decided it was time to jump back in where no one wanted him.
"'Course you are, Peaches. No one could miss two hulking masses like yourself and the whelp." Spike snapped his long sensuous fingers and Buffy, Anya, Willow, and Tara fell out of his sex-induced thrall.
"Right then, now we've sorted out that I'm still undead, the rest of you lot can sod off. Slayer and I need a shag, isn't that right pet?"
"Oh, yes please!" Buffy bounced up and down clapping her hands. Which, when you think about it, is a really odd reaction to an offer of sex.
"Wait." Mr. Anti-Enjoyment Angel struck again. "Where were you then?"
Spike sighed one of those extremely common but totally unnecessary sighs. "England."
"England?" Seven voices eerily replied in unison, yet again. These people really need to stop spending so much time together.
"What of it? I had things to do. Told the lunchable I'd be gone for a few days."
"Dawn knew?" Buffy spoke to her sister for the first time in weeks. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"No one asked. No one ever asks me anything. It's like I'm not even here! Serves you all right thinking Spike was dead! Maybe now you'll pay some attention to me and listen to what I have to say. Because I can have valuable info – " Dawn's shrieking tirade was cut short by a swift and surprisingly powerful kick to the head from Backbone!Tara.
Everyone stared at the unconscious key crumpled on the floor, and then turned their gaze to the witch.
"What?" Tara smirked. "We've all wanted to do that for months."
Everyone shrugged in agreement, and turned their attention back to not-so-dusty Spike.
"How did you get to England and back so quickly?" Tara asked, continuing to take charge of the situation. That a girl.
"Same way everyone else does. Took a flippin' plane."
"Vampires can't fly." Buffy looked from her ex-vampire lover to her current vampire lover. Boy, the girl really doesn't take the job title too seriously, does she? "They need to take impractical but romantic cargo ships that will separate them from their lovers for months on end and lead to much crying and angst."
"Did you tell her that?" Spike looked at Anguish Boy and laughed. "Always one for the melodrama, weren't you, Angel? Bet you were trying to get her in the sack at the time."
"I wasn't, not really, but then we did, that same night actually. And well, you know the rest."
"Can we stop talking about my sex life?" Buffy was tired of talking about sex. She wanted to be having sex. Right now. Repeatedly. In many different positions.
"Would someone please explain what's going on to me?" Xander had lost the plot again. The poor boy.
"Went to England. Took a plane. Flew cargo – in a box to avoid any troubles. It's really not that difficult."
"Why the sudden urge to visit the homeland?"
"Was it Giles? You went to tell him about our amazingly hot sex life, didn't you?" Once more, Buffy made everything on the planet All. About. Her.
"No, I just wnttkeenmafunrl." Spike covered his delicious mouth with one of his talented hands as he spoke.
Spike sucked in one of those long, unnecessary and physically impossible vampire breathes. He spoke his next words using some of that incredible vampire speed.
"You shot who in the what now? Care to repeat that without the Mumbly Joe impersonation?"
"Queen Mum. She died. Went to the funeral." Spike looked around sheepishly.
"You went to the Queen Mum's funeral? Were you invited?"
"No! But I'm bloody English, so I must have an inherent interest in the Royal sodding Family. And besides, it's the best excuse there was to get me out of town so this bleedin' fic could be written."
"Oh." This explanation seemed to satisfy everyone.
"And she was a damn fine woman." Spike felt the need to be all manly and defend himself. "She put up with all those bloody pansies in her family. Who's the one that talks to plants?"
"Charles." Angel impressed no one with his knowledge of the Royal Family. "I always sort of liked him."
"Figures, you big poofter."
"So, does anyone mind if I recap unnecessarily?" Willow hadn't said anything in a while, so we'll throw her a bone. A non-magic one, of course. "Spike went to the Queen Mum's funeral, safely flying cargo. He told Dawn, who, proving her complete uselessness, told no one. Buffy acted like an out of character moron and thought Spike was dead. We all gathered here to watch Spike's video. And now he's back and horny as hell. Is that everything?"
"Yeah. No, wait." Realization crossed Spike's amazingly expressive face. "You watched my flippin' video? Clem what the bloody hell were you thinking?"
Clem shrugged in his cute little wrinkly demon way. "Sorry, man, they said you were dust."
"Balls. Now I have to make a new tape. Was right proud of the way I flipped you all off, too. Do you realise how long it takes to come up with a good snark? Pretty much what I do all day is think up appropriately cutting comments. Takes up all of my non-slayer shagging time. No wonder I'm not evil anymore. No time for it."
"May I ask about your Swiss Bank account? I'm curious, are there really advantages to banking out of the country? And are the Swiss really that much better than, say, the Cayman Islands? Maybe we could discuss the pros and cons – "
Spike was aghast. He'd forgotten that was on the tape. "Look, uh, just forget what I said. Where would a cheap disgusting thing like me get that kind of cash? It was a complete joke. Ha bloody ha. Forget everything I said." Spike had no intention of telling any of these wankers how much he was really worth. (Now that's evil!)
Xander clutched his toaster oven to his chest. "Well, you said I could have back all my stuff. Too late now." He was already dreaming of pizza bagels.
"Don't worry Spike, you said a lot of really helpful things. I have a backbone now because of you." Tara didn't smile shyly or nod sweetly once as she spoke.
"And I'm beginning to realise that I can enjoy sex with both genders." Willow added cheerfully. "I'm totally BI NOW."
"And I…" Buffy walked up to Spike. "…really liked what you said about me. Made me want to…" Buffy began to undo Spike's belt as she whispered something imperceptible to human senses in his ear. (Oh, don't you wish I'd tell you what!)
Spike gazed down at his petite but durable lover. "Well, isn't that neat."
The clothes started to fly, regardless of the fact they were engaged in a massive Public Display of Affection. Of course, Buffy and Spike had already had public sex at the Bronze, on her front lawn, at the Magic Box, on the counter at the Doublemeat Palace, at the Espresso Pump, in every cemetery in town, at the ruins of the old high school. Basically, you name the place and they'd had crazy, sizzling, out of this world sex there. A little porn in front of their friends really didn't phase them.
"We should go." Angel slowly backed towards the door, realizing that he really didn't give a rat's ass what happened to Buffy anymore. Which was a good thing, because she'd obviously forgotten about him. "Clem, help me with Dawn will you?"
Willow and Tara made a quick bi and gay escape, followed by Anya, who had to pull a stunned Xander behind her.
"Is that some sort of new vampire slaying technique I don't know about? Can you kill a vampire by getting him naked and sucking his face off?"
"Oh, Xander." Anya pulled on her love's enormous forearm. "I'll explain when we get home. After we also have sex." Xander nodded, very happy with his riverside condo in Cairo.
"So, you play kitten poker?" Clem asked Angel. He was nothing if not hospitable.
"Can't say as I do."
"It's fun. I bring my girl along for good luck. You in?"
Angel thought for a moment. Him, have fun? It was a new idea, but worth a shot. "Sure, only give me an hour to fix my hair and then twenty minutes to feed – oh no! Wait here a minute."
Running at top vampire speed, Angel ran back to the crypt to pick up the almost forgotten pint-sized plot hole. See how easy it is to forget something when it makes no sense and you don't care about it to begin with? Grabbing the baby carrier, Angel bumped his colossal form into a few chairs as he tried to shield his eyes from Buffy and Spike's frenetic and wildly imaginative shagging. But he could never avoid the audio.
"…sooooo glad you're not dead…am so dead…oh, Spike…Bob's yer uncle, baby…don't mean dead dead…dead is better than dust, pet…oh yes, yes, better, so better…"
Angel made his way back to Clem, who was eagerly awaiting a night of kitties and pussies. He took a look inside the baby carrier.
"Dude, that is the ugliest looking kitten I've ever seen."
With that, the souled vampire and the whatever-the-hell-he-is demon walked into the mist of the cemetery, dragging Dawn's unconscious body behind them, their departure punctuated by the deafening sounds of Buffy and Spike's reunion mating.
"Oh, oh, this is definitely of the good……Cor, baby, very cor…"
Simpson's Quote of the Day: "Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."