A/N: So...yeeeaaaah. I have no good excuse for this. Really, I don't (I totally do). It seems like when some anonymous asswipe reads my entire fic and then tells me it's a cute waste of time I become overwhelmed with the desire to figure out how to give them the cyber-finger. Obviously the next best thing was to write the crackiest crack-fic ever in retribution. Seriously, you should just flounce now.
Hilariously enough, I actually scrounged up a pre-reader for this – mucho thanks to JaspersIzzy for helping me make it more...whatever it is, and for being that awesome gal who's always poking you with a fork and whispering, "Doooooooo it...doooooooo it..."
I want to point out that this is all in good fun. I'm not trying to piss anyone off or be overly obnoxious (don't you even say it, AlexisDanaan). I mean, shit, I do half the stuff down there.
I think we can all agree that it's a very good thing that I don't own Twilight.
The Spastastical, Romantical, and Over-All Awesome-ical Discovery of Jasper Whitlock
So like, I'm Bella. And I like this boy. Edward. Because is he is pretty (A/N: IKR?) So anyways. I put on my midnight blue versace tank top (pic on my profile) and my DKNY skinny jeans before putting on my yellow platform shoes from Target. God, I love these shoes. I got them for $5. Edward was coming to pick me up in his Volvo-something, and I had only two more mins. To get ready! I was never going to make it! Of course, I fell down the stairs.
Edward was perfectly beautiful. An Adonis. His perfect bronze hair swayed in the wind in my kitchen and his perfect teeth gleamed in the sunlight. His perfect pale skin was perfectly offset by the brown and yellow speckled countertops (A/N: Just like in MY kitchen!) in the kitchen. I love him so much.
Sitting in the front seat of Edward's car was Jasper. Jasper had beautiful blonde hair and usually didn't spend any time with me whatsoever, literally. Jasper grew up in a mean sort of vampire family, or at least that's what I understood from the two freaking minutes I listened to his story-time. He wanted to eat me. At least that's what Edward said, and why would Edward lie or deceive me? I love him.
Jasper was my best friend Alice's boyfriend or husband or something. He was beautiful. Oh my god, I never realized it before, but I'm in love with Jasper! Oh no! Edward will break up with me because I'm not good enough for him and I'm in love with his brother even though they don't seem like they like each other all that much and Edward is perfect and I am such a plain and unpretty girl. Disaster! I have to find a way to not be in love with Jasper.
Jasper turned in his seat and dazzled the ever loving panties off of me. Oh my god. He knows.
"I'm not in love with you Jasper!" Obviously the best thing to do is tell him that right away.
Jasper nodded his head and smirked his crooked smirk at me before turning around and telling Edward that he really wants to play the guitar and ride a horse and be the Major and call his friend Peter even though Peter will know that he's gonna call; also he has the munchies. I don't know why Jasper would be high, but I don't know all that much about him. I didn't even notice when Edward gets into the car because I was too busy being in love with Jasper. But I can't love Jasper! I love Edward! And I love Alice, she's my best friend ever even though she does nothing but paint my nails and talk about herself...and...OH MY GOD! I'm in love with Alice!
I immediately fainted, and banged my head on the car door. And concussed myself. I am such a klutz.
I woke up in the hospital where Carlisle was leaning over me seductively, dazzling me with his amber-topaz-ember-yellow eyes. Carlisle is so hot. No! I cannot let myself fall in love with Carlisle too!
"Bella! I was so worried about you! I thought I would have to build a spaceship and fly myself into the sun to escape the horrors of living in this wretched world without you!"
"Oh, no, Edward. It was all my fault." How could he think he'd done anything wrong? He's perfect. I love him.
"You bled a little bit, it was really hard not to...eat you." Jasper said with a salacious wink that had my panties soaked like I'd just jumped in a giant pool of KY jelly. (A/N: HAHA!) How had I never noticed how sexy Jasper is when he winks salaciously?
I frantically rubbed my thighs together because that's what they always do in those books I keep hidden under my mattress, but the only thing that could possibly help would be to climb Jasper like a tree and hump the everliving undeadness right out of him. Or Edward. Or...Carlisle's hair is so pretty...
Jacob came storming in the room, vibrating with his quiveringness and he shook and yelled, "Get away from her, bloodsuckers! She doesn't love you! She loves me!"
The problem was that Jacob is right. I do love him. He's my own personal fireplace.
Edward and Jacob yelled at each other in their bellowing and perfect voices and Carlisle left, so all I had left to do was stare at Jasper. Jasper who was beautiful. Even his scars made him more attractive to me, they were like tiny little lines of morse code etched all over him, and I really, really like morse code.
I would have had the sex with him right then and there. I mean, my panties were so wet! But then Edward and Jacob starting kissing! Suddenly it made sense! I love both of them, they were so pretty with their tongues ramming into each others hot/cold mouthes and grinding their peniseses all over each other. There wasn't any reason I couldn't be with them! Except that I'm boring, but maybe they've got low standards!
"Edward! Jacob! I love you and your proclivities to same-sex sex! We should be a trio!"
"Bella, I will not share you with some disgusting bloodsucker," Jacob said as he shoved his hands down the front of Edward's perfectly pressed tan trousers.
Edward groaned and moaned, "Me either. The mangy mutt cannot have you."
"What about me?" Jasper pouted, suddenly seeming very emo. And hot. Emo is so hot. "I can have the sex with the dudes too. You should meet my friend Peter."
Jasper's phone rang and he answered it before the sound even made it's way to my ears. "Hi Peter! I was just talking about you. Of course she's my mate. Duh. Everyone is."
Jasper hung up and said to me softly in his mesmerizing voice as he dazzled me senseless with his beautiful pupils. "Let's go on a road-trip. I'll teach you how to do the kinky sexing and we can have a threesome with Peter. I'll do anything for you, Bella. Even bottom."
"I love road-trips!" I looooooooove road-trips.
So we left and got into Jasper's mysteriously appearing truck (A/N: Jasper drives a Ford, but hey, opposites attract) even though I never even knew he could drive, and we went to Texas. As soon as I met Peter I knew I loved him. I mean, he was just so attractive. Jasper got a big giant cock shoved up his ass, and we all had lots of fun.