Hey guys, long time no see. Mitsukai here with another oneshot. No notes here, but I would like you to read the next chapter that I would immediately post after this story. There something very important that I need to say, I think.
Warnings and Disclaimers: Bl. One-sided Alpha Pair. Angst, romance, drama. Some typos, maybe OOC.
It was raining.
Yukimura Seiichi had to marvel on how the weather seemed to completely reflect his emotions. The sky was dark, clouds rumbling as lightning and thunder raged, his darkened room illuminated every so once in a while with a streak of bright light. He was sitting by the window ledge, the space just enough for him to tuck his legs in and sit at the side, toes curling as they touched the cold plaster of the white-painted wall. His forehead rested on the clear glass, watching the droplets of clear water run down on the transparent mirror, acting as the tears that he can't shed anymore.
A lone raindrop slid down the window, from the long eyelashes to the curve of a cheek, before dropping away completely, leaving only a pale, but hauntingly beautiful face marred by the most painful of emotions.
He felt cold. His room was empty, lifeless, devoid of life, the only witness to his pain. He curled further into himself, wearing only a large, button up t-shirt that was too big for him, the only memento that gave him some comfort, no matter how small it was. The usually wide blue eyes now looked lost, staring blankly as the cars and people passing by, hidden under their brightly colored umbrellas. He had to look away when he saw a couple strolling by hand in hand, their happy and content faces giving him a painful jolt as his already broken heart tore more at the edges, reminding him of the reality.
It was already over.
His hand removed itself from its position on his knees and pressed itself against the glass, looking deeply in the eyes of his reflection, which only showed hurt, anguish… sadness. He slowly closed his eyes, pressing them against the window, feeling them throb slightly, red and swollen from hours and hours of crying. He barely noticed the time passing, closed off in his own world of despair and heart-wrenching agony, the smooth surface cool against his heated skin.
It was late. But he never moved an inch, drowning in the storm of his own anguish. The white shirt whispered against his skin, touching his bare legs, once again reminding him of the reason of his pain, but he clung on to it like a lifeline, trying to retain a semblance of sanity before he could lose it completely. He clutched the soft fabric near his heart, trying to bury himself in better memories, to forget everything that happened, and, just for a short moment, pretend that everything was all right…
The sound of the doorknob turning roused him out of his deep thoughts, and Yukimura watched as the door swung open to reveal a tall man, his face and stance familiar, a stern, handsome face covered by dark, raven-black hair. He stood proudly, as he always had, but now he was slightly hunched over, his sienna colored eyes wide as he took in the general look of the bedroom, before centering on the other male on the other side of the room.
"Genichirou." The captain greeted his best friend, not leaving his perch, voice oddly flat and emotionless, a forced, brittle smile making its way to his thin lips. Strange, he didn't hear the other enter the house, though that might have been from his own wayward thoughts.
The other teen was silent, merely taking off his coat and shaking his head; Yukimura finally noticed how drenched Sanada looked, as if he ran all the way to his house without taking an umbrella with him.
"So Renji told you." It wasn't a question.
"I came here as soon as I could." Sanada said quietly, closing the door behind him with a gentle thud. It echoed, the sound rippling in the air, seemingly separating the both of them from the rest of the world, and the soft click of the lock being pushed only strengthened that. He moved forward, drops of rain still glistening on his dark hair, uncertainty and concern in his features. He stopped, just behind the other teen, close enough to touch but faraway enough from invading Yukimura's personal space.
"Yukimura…" Sanada started, voice faltering, as if finding the right words to say.
"You know, Genichirou…" The blue-haired teen interrupted him, once again turning his gaze outside, centered on the nothingness that misted with the coming of the heavy downpour.
"It's funny how things turn out the way they are. The most unexpected thing happens to you at the worst possible time. And, before you know it, it's already there, and you can't do anything about it." He gave out a laugh, hollow, and strangely bitter-sounding.
Silence. Then again, Yukimura had expected as much. Sanada stayed quiet, listening intently, his face unreadable, his eyes finally able to adjust to the semi-darkness and see the captain clearly for the first time, the dim light softening the features that looked to be in terrible pain. His heart clenched painfully at the sight, but his face remained expressionless, his mere presence serving to carry the burden that the other kept in his heart.
"It's strange… just when I thought that things were getting better…" The captain murmured, seemingly more to himself as he clutched the white shirt in his hands so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He closed his eyes, shutting away the ripples of pain that hid in the murky, blue depths, tears once again welling up in his eyes as he finally whispered the truth that he had been denying to face all this time.
"He broke up with me."
A jagged streak of lightning streaked across the sky, illuminating the room in one quick moment. Rain stormed, thunder rumbled, and yet Sanada remained unmoving, even after the declaration. Even in the throes of heartbreak Yukimura still looked beautiful; in fact, he looked to be more alluring than ever, that one moment of light highlighting his delicate, effeminate features, magnetizing the attraction he felt for the teen. And, as much as he wanted to take the other into his arms, he wouldn't. Couldn't.
He hated the sight before him, hated himself, disgusted that he was thinking that way. He would never take advantage of Yukimura, not when he looked so weak. So vulnerable that even the gentlest of breezes might sweep the captain away if he wasn't careful enough.
Quiet reigned over them again, punctured by the continuous pound of the rain. Sanada stood, awaiting the next words that would come, his hand twitching; wanting to reach out and touch the soft skin, to offer comfort the former was obviously seeking. And yet he couldn't bring himself to do it. He paused, waiting… waiting… just as he always had.
"Genichirou?" The sound of his name brought him back, staring at the captain, who was now observing him quietly, his legs pulled back and his chin resting on top of his knees, the remnants of his tears still staining his face.
"Have you fallen in love before?"
Sanada didn't know what compelled him to answer that question. His eyes roamed around the angelic figure, who looked so fragile that he just might break. The captain had never look so small before him, and Sanada was sure that Yukimura knew who it was.
Now the other was in deep thought, finally standing up, finally reaching up to touch his face, the touch of the white hand warm against his slightly chilled skin.
"Can I ask something from you?" The question was spoken so softly that Sanada nearly didn't hear it. He nodded, slowly, his dark ochre gaze never breaking with its milky blue counterpart, ignoring the almost painful throbbing of his own heart.
Yukimura paused, feeling sickened to the core, but too far gone in his misery to care. He knew it would be unfair to ask this of him, to inflict more suffering to his vice-captain than he already had. He knew he had hurt the other teen numerous times, too many for him to count, and this would be just plain selfishness on his part.
But he was the only person who he could turn to, and he desperately needed someone, anyone, to save him from the black abyss of depression he felt. Painfully he whispered a silent prayer in his heart, begging to be forgiven, before looking up and meeting Sanada's gaze. He knew he would be putting another deep wound in Sanada's already breaking heart.
Because Sanada Genichirou loved him. But Yukimura Seiichi didn't.
"Please… help me forget…" He wanted to cry, but the tears never came, his bright blue eyes pleading for forgiveness as brown eyes slowly widened at the plea. "Hold me… I just want to erase the feeling pain and emptiness… just for this moment…"
Sanada didn't know what to do. He was being pulled in two directions, one wanting to give in to Yukimura's desperate cries, and the other refusing because he knew that it wasn't what the other teen really wanted. He felt tempted, weak and hurt all at once, a jumble of conflicting emotions that flickered in his clouded chocolate-colored eyes.
"Do you even know what you're asking of me?" Sanada had never thought that Yukimura could be that cruel to him. Years of looking at him without any hope of his feelings being reciprocated, months of purposefully staying back so Yukimura could have his happiness in the arms of another man, while he was trying to mend his own shattering one, days of torture with the knowledge that he would never be able to hold Yukimura the way he wanted to… it was a punishment, a death sentence for falling in love with someone who only saw him as a close friend. He felt used, knowing perfectly that he was only a temporary comfort, and that the other was dangling in front of him a temptation that he didn't want to fall into.
He might never be able to hold himself back if he did.
"I'm sorry…" Yukimura clung to him, his trembling fingers clutching at Sanada's black shirt, finding some solace in the other's warmth. He was completely selfish, and he felt the guilt gnawing in him. "I'm sorry to have asked this of you…"
Sanada gritted his teeth, his arms almost wrapping around the smaller, shaking frame, stopping himself just in time, fingers clenching into fists as he wrestled with his indecision. He shouldn't. If he does this… there would be no turning back. Closing his eyes, tried his best to retain his self-control, to refuse what was offered in front of him. But it was all too much for him, he was still human after all. And… perhaps, he too wanted to satisfy himself. Maybe, he too wanted to forget. Just for a while.
Their relationship might change after this, and he might end up regretting doing this more than anything else, but this was for Yukimura, the person he loved the most, the man he would move mountains for. His own feelings were starting to break out, and there was only so much he could do to stop it before it finally exploded in his chest.
He had never refused Yukimura for anything, and he wasn't going to start now.
Slowly he tilted Yukimura's face up, using the back of his fingers to wipe away the tears that gathered in the soulful blue eyes, letting himself get lost in the almost depthless color of cerulean, seeing through the other's soul for the first time. He leaned down, his hesitation draining away as he held the captain in his arms.
"Seiichi…" This would be the only time he would use his captain's first name.
"Forgive me." Sanada whispered against his lips, and Yukimura gave him a smile, achingly bittersweet, before giving in, his hands wounding up to lace themselves behind Sanada's back as his eyes slipped slowly shut.
Every thought he had dispersed when their lips touched, feeling something soft and wet meld against his mouth. Instinctively he arched his head back, letting the other seen suck away every drop of resistance he had, gasping as a sharp nip was given to his lower lip, the sting of pain overridden with instant pleasure as the kiss was deepened, a tongue snaking out to capture his mouth into a more powerful, passionate kiss.
Yukimura felt weak. He could only hold on tight as he was completely ravaged, his mouth completely dominated and possessed, feeling a strong arm wounding around his waist and pull him flush against another chest, helpless in the onslaught of pleasurable sensations that clouded his senses. He had never kissed anyone like this before. All the other kisses he shared with his past lovers seemed almost tame compared to one he was being given now, and the sheer intensity was enough to make him lose breath, letting his inhibitions go and just feel with wild abandon.
Sanada felt a hand wound up to his hair, gripping the black locks tightly, his own hand caressing Yukimura's face and tilting it at an angle that would enable him to wander vigorously, explore deeply, pouring every single drop of his frustrations and feelings, his love, his pain, his longing… into one single move that he was sure the other could feel. His tongue had found a sensitive part in the other's mouth and heard Yukimura gasp, quickly breaking away, a thin string of liquid still connecting their lips together.
But Sanada wasn't done yet. In one quick move he pushed Yukimura towards the bed, not letting him recover from the shock, immediately crawling on top of the captain and silencing him with another suffocating kiss.
Yukimura couldn't move. He wasn't even sure he wanted to. His fingers trembled, trying to grasp something, anything, that would keep him from losing his senses, already teetering on the edge of insanity. His fingers found the black cotton of Sanada's shirt, the material crushed under the pressure of his grip as he pulled that other teen closer, letting no space come between their bodies as he felt large, calloused fingers on his sin, ghosting under and up the thin white shirt he wore, making him squirm as liquid heat ran through his veins like honey, leaving an almost tingling feeling that reached up to his scalp and the tips of his toes. He sank further into the cool, silken sheets, pulling Sanada with him, bones starting to feel like liquid as it look two tries to be able to finally wrap themselves around the other's neck and pull him down.
Sanada couldn't stop. Greed took him over, almost merciless as he devoured every inch of Yukimura he could reach, branding the sweet, succulent taste in his memories. Heat instantly ignited, furious enough to scorch him alive, his nerves haywiring as their hearts pounded against each other, their bodies taut, and yet yielding to one another, and Sanada wanted nothing more to see the captain weak, limp, overwhelmed by the sheer pleasure that only he could give. He didn't know how long he had waited for this moment, to have Yukimura in his arms like this, and to see him so willfully pliant to his touches, to respond heatedly to his kisses… it was enough to make him lose all rationality, unwilling to let his only chance slip by.
Both of them didn't know how long they stayed that way, lying there and exchange deep, sensual kisses, the sounds of their own gasps and moans punctuating the steady ponding of the rain. And, finally, Sanada eventually pulled away, panting, one thumb caressing the reddened, swollen lips, bruised and abused by his own doing, finally ending the wonderful dream turned reality. His foreheads were touching, their breaths mingling together, and it took all of his willpower to stop, to not go further than what he already had, and watching the half-lidded cerulean eyes trying to focus its dazed look on him was almost enough for him to succumb to the sinful temptation.
Yukimura looked completely and thoroughly ravished, his shirt riding up to expose milky white skin, his body shaking as his chest heaved, trying to regain a semblance of control. His rouge-colored lips were parted slightly; warm breath escaping in short puffs, looking anything but fine, his body just begging to be possessed completely.
Sanada swallowed thickly, trying to regain his composure. He made to move back, to remove himself completely from the other teen, but Yukimura kept one hand on his arm, preventing him from doing so.
"Why…" Yukimura whispered, his voice cracking from the influx of emotions he felt, his lips brushing lightly against Sanada's as he finished his question.
"Why can't I fall in love with you instead…?"
At that, Sanada merely gave a bittersweet smile, his ochre eyes swimming in hurt and guilt, quietly watching as Yukimura finally loosened his grip, slowly closing his eyes and giving in to the comfort of the darkness. Sanada slowly sat up, throwing a cover over the frail-looking teen, a hand travelling over to ghost over his lips, unable to believe what he just did. Should he feel happy that he finally got his longtime wish? His chest felt heavy, conflicting with the storm of emotions that followed. It felt wrong, feeling disgusted at taking advantage of Yukimura's obvious vulnerability, and yet it also felt right in some sick way he can't understand. Sanada let out a short, humorless laugh, closing his eyes and pressing his palm to his face, squeezing it tightly as he felt the tears come.
He loved Yukimura Seiichi. Deeply, powerfully, and inexplicably so. No matter what happened, his feelings were always for his best friend, his captain, and nothing could ever change that. He would do anything for him… even if it meant he would only be hurt in the long run. His heart no longer belonged to him, but Yukimura's, to be discarded and played with as the other teen wished. And if Yukimura wanted to break it into a million, indistinguishable pieces, then so be it. He will merely stay back, and be content.
Because he knew that Yukimura would never love him the way he did. For his best friend, Sanada was just a brother, the closest person he would love outside of his family in a purely platonic way. Sanada knew that perfectly. He would never force his feelings on the other, and would step down and let Yukimura find his happiness, even if it stings to see him in the arms of another man. And he knew that Yukimura knew this as well.
But he will always love Yukimura Seiichi. No matter how much he would suffer through it all, and he would never be able to find another.
Why did I have to fall in love with you…?