Disclaimer: I own nothing.
It was night at the University. Kvothe was bunking with Simmon.
Kvothe got out of bed. Right after he got out of bed, the bed turned into a giant man-eating gnome.
"RROOOARR!" It said. And then it said: "RROOOARR!"
"Aren't you gonna eat me?" Kvothe asked.
"I am a giant man-eating gnome!" Said the giant man-eating gnome. "Duh." Then it ate Simmon.
"AHHHHHH!" Simmon said when being eaten by Kvothe's bed-turned-into-giant-man-eating-gnome.
Then Wilem appeared. "Hey Kvothe. What's that? Wait! Don't tell me! It's a giant man-eating gnome!" Proud of himself, he threw a pillow at Kvothe's head. Then suddenly a Draccus with a camera dropped from the ceiling. The Draccus blinded Kvothe with the camera's flashbulb, then it ate Simmon.
"Wait, how did Simmon get back here?" Kvothe asked in bewilderment.
"Why are you so annoying?" The author shot back.
"What? I'm confused." Said Kvothe.
The author then retaliated by making a bunch of pudding rain down upon him. The pudding ate Simmon.
"BUT WE'RE INSIDE!" Kvothe said. "IT CAN'T RAIN! AND HOW DID SIMMON GET BACK HERE?" For reasons unknown, more pudding came down. And Ambrose appeared. "We'll take over the earth with our evil giant man-eating tweezers!" Ambrose shouted happily.
"SHIIIIIT IT'S AMBROSE!" shouted Simmon, who was back again.
"MY BRAIN HURTS!" said Kvothe, whose head exploded. Then his head ate Simmon!
"What am I going to do?" wondered Wilem. Then he threw a pillow at Ambrose's head. Ambrose turned around and said, "ATTACK, TWEEZERS!" After the tweezers had plucked Wilem bloody, they ate Simmon.
Then Ambrose happily announced, "And my name is no longer Ambrose, it's now Madonna!"
Everyone stared at him in amazement, even the swarm of chipmunks that had just arrived. They all smelled of dung.
"What?" Madonna said. "Can't a guy have his heroes?" Then he ate Simmon. So did the chipmunks.
Then Kvothe came riding upon a huge oozy blob of wine-flavored jelly. He said, "GOOD SHALL PREVAIL! AND SO SHALL MY PANTS!" Then his pants ate Simmon.
"WHY DOES SIMMON KEEP GETTING EATEN?" Kvothe shouted.
"Because you're annoying." The author answered. Duh.
"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!" Yelled Kvothe.
Then he ate Simmon.
"WHAT? NO I DIDN'T!" Kvothe said as he stuffed his face with Simmon and marmalade. "STOP MAKING ME EAT SIMMON!"
Master Kilvin and Master Elodin showed up, and they ate Simmon.
Then they started doing the disco. Everyone else followed. Then a bunch of lights focused on Madonna, who was now singing Michael Jackson songs.
Everyone stared at Madonna when he started to sing Michael Jackson songs. "What?" he asked. "Can't a guy have his heroes?" Then he started trying to kill Kvothe. "HAHAHA! This is all part of my plan to kill you! Because you always eat Simmon!"
"NO I DIDN'T!" Kvothe shouted. "THAT'S NOT MY FAULT! THE AUTHOR'S ON DRUGS, I THINK!" Then he ate Simmon. "NO I DIDN'T!" Yes he did.
Then the author jumped into the story and ate everyone. Except Simmon.
"Phew," said Simmon. "I really appreciate that you didn't-" And he never got to finish his sentence because the author ate Simmon.
Everyone walked back into the room. Everyone consisted of Simmon, Kvothe, Wilem, Madonna, chipmunks, marmalade, Master Kilvin, Master Elodin, giant man-eating gnome, tweezers, and an easily offended Latino man. Then they ate Simmon friendlily.
Then Simmon ate himself in a moving and desperate protest against eating him.
AN: Don't get me wrong, I love the characters, especially Simmon. I just also love randomness.