A/N: Here's a newie I've been writing. For those waiting on updates on other stories, I do apologise! I just have too many ideas in my head and not enough time to write them down! But I will update my other stories very soon! :)
PLEASE let me know what you think.
Chapter 1: I Yearn
Friday part I
His hands are everywhere, running down my arms, teasing my nipples, stroking down my tensing abs. Warmth spreads over me as his skin causes mine to tingle. I'll never get used to the complete bliss I feel as his big, rough hands run along my body, while at the same time, he fucks me. I never want him to stop, or at least, the sensation of having him so close. But inevitably, the tightening in my stomach begins as he repeatedly pounds against my prostate. My moans are increasing in volume and I feel my lips becoming dry as I pant. At this point I cannot control my breathing any longer. All of the different sensations he is causing are combining into one.
The pleasure of Demetri's heavy body almost completely on top of me, his long, thick cock sliding in and out of me, the soft flutter of his unusually longer, wavy hair against my chest, his fingers alternating teasingly from trailing along my hardened cock to massaging my balls. I finally look up from the sight that has kept me occupied for over ten minutes; where Demetri and I are joined as he pumps into me steadily, to follow the endless expanse of his muscular build. My eyes travel from his thrusting hips, up his lightly feathered snail trail, passed the ripped abs and tight pecs, all the way up to his wide shoulders and powerful, intimidating biceps. They're one of many things I find so attractive about him, his big, strong arms. I feel like he could protect me from anything when I'm wrapped in them.
Well, almost anything.
He can't protect me from himself.
My breath hitches and I feel myself reaching the edge. Demetri knows I'm close. Suddenly, he moves one hand behind my neck as the other one picks up the pace on my cock pumping it faster, with his thumb stroking across the head sporadically. The hand behind my head pulls me towards his face as the fingers trap themselves in my hair. His lips crash down onto mine, desperately separating them as his tongue forces its way into my mouth. And I can't stop him. I can't resist him. His lips feel so good on mine.
Lips open and tongues meet, exploring the other's mouth once again. I moan accidentally.
I don't like him knowing how much I want this. How much I need this.
He grunts as he hears my pleasure being known, and suddenly he's matching the new fast pace of his hand, with his hips; thrusting his cock faster and deeper. Fucking me.
This isn't what I want.
Although I need him close and connected to me like this, this is far from what I want or need.
But it's what he needs.
He needs to fuck.
Though I yearn to be loved, to be worshipped. I want to feel what it's like to make love. Instead of being fucked. Used. I know that is what this really is. Demetri uses me as a way to get off. A way to escape his real life. But in a way, I use him to. I'm using him when I let him fuck me, since it is the only way for me to get off without using my own hand. After I met him I knew I wouldn't, couldn't be with anyone besides him. He also knew that, and used that to his advantage.
But what if I could? What if I could find someone that loved me? That wouldn't just use my body.
I lose focus as the tightening increases in my belly and the edge is in sight. I scrunch my eyes shut as I feel it coming, breathing deeply as I begin to let go and give in to the feelings he is producing for me.
"Look at me," he grunts huskily.
A tiny head shake protests his request as I don't want to watch him fuck me. I want to pretend. I want to imagine that he is actually making love to me.
He growls deeply as the hand on my neck roughly jerks my head up, "Look at me."
I sigh, he always gets his way. Why fight it?
My eyes open quickly as I just want to fall off the edge already. I want to feel the absolute bliss and euphoria that makes this worth it. Makes being with him; a closeted man with no intentions of coming out, or breaking things off with his girlfriend for that matter, any time soon.
He smirks as I look into his eyes, letting him see once again the feelings I have for him. But as I begin to fall, his face scrunches up into a small scowl. I realise it's because I've unknowingly let a couple of tears fall. I decide it's not worth the pain to see his face transform back into an indifferent expression once again. Closing my eyes, I ride the euphoric high as I come hard.
Afterwards, I feel the beginnings of the crushing low.
Quiet pants and moans emit from my mouth as the feelings slowly fade and I come back down to earth. I try to catch my breath, knowing that he hasn't yet come. I wait as he slowly lets down my legs from his shoulders, giving them a few seconds to gain their strength. Swiftly, yet expectantly he turns my body over, pressing my upper body and face down into the mattress before his hands grab my hips to lift them up.
"Ouhhh!" My asshole burns as he slams back into me with no warning. Pounding into me as one hand holds both of mine on my back, and the other jerk my hips back and forth. Manipulating my body to pleasure himself. As my face is roughly scraped across the mattress I've never felt so dirty and used. How is this any different from being a whore?
Oh yeah, I'm not getting paid.
As he continues to thrust into my used hole I sob quietly, wanting it to end already.
Why does this happen every time? Why do I let it?
I know that he'll never love me, I know that he simply just needs to be able to fuck a guy every now and then. So why the fuck do I do it?
Because for some fucked up reason, I love him.
But sometimes love isn't enough, especially if it's one sided.
I shriek quietly as he suddenly slaps my arse, bringing me out of my thoughts. But I continue to keep my eyes shut, not caring if he demands I open them. I do not want to see him when I'm in this position.
All of a sudden I know he's close; the hand on my hip tightens as he shifts closer and opens my legs further, while the other hand latches onto my hair, pulling my head back. My eyes are forced open as my head is pulled back roughly. Tears continue to fall down my cheeks as he pounds into me recklessly. And as my mind seeks a different future, a small smile flits across my face. It must certainly be possible for me to find someone, someone else that will take care of me, someone who will like me for who I am. Even if it never is love, surely I could find someone who likes me enough to go out on a date or two? I'm not that unattractive.
As I feel Demetri pump deeper inside me three more times before holding still, I know it's over. He's finally received what he wanted when he messaged me to see if he could come over, knowing that I would say yes. I wait patiently with a tear streaked face as he pulls himself out of me and collapses beside me. As soon as we are no longer touching I run to the bathroom.
Locking the door, I make it just in time to kneel and lift the seat, before my dinner comes back up.
Out of the many times that we had done this; hooked up at either my place or a hotel, I had never felt so dirty, used and disgusted with myself. I continued to retch and dry heave for at least half an hour. My only solace during which was the thought that I didn't have to say anything to Demetri. He'd most certainly left after the first five minutes, if not seconds.
Suddenly, all of the reasons why I love him, seem ridiculous. I guess it was just hard to let go of something I thought would turn into something more. A dream, really. In the beginning, he had been so fresh, good looking, nice, funny and charming. In my naivety, I hoped and wished that his feelings for more would evolve and he'd ultimately leave his girlfriend for me.