Summary - Emily's goodbye letter to Hotch before she goes after Doyle. Little bit of everything thrown in.
Sorry if this is a little strange. I was in an oddly unhappy mood and began writing this, realized that I never not write M rated until very recently and somehow it turned into THIS. Goes from sad to sappy to smut to sappy to sad. But all in all I hope you enjoy it. It truly came from some crevice in the back of my mind and it just wrote itself. Enjoy!
Warning – 18 and over only please. Not work safe.
I'm dying today. I know how this will end and I hate that I didn't tell you beforehand. You must feel so betrayed, so angry. But I need you to know I'm doing this for you, for Jack, for the team. I'm not sure whether I'll be gone for good or whether I'll somehow make it out alive and end up in Witness Protection. Either way, if you're reading this, I'm no longer here. I hope you never have to read this. I hope that right now we are in bed, naked, cuddling, laughing, joking, making love. There will never be any words to describe my anger and my hurt over what I'm doing to you. I hate myself. I can't stand to look in the mirror and know that I'm about to do this to you. But it's for you. For the people I love.
I love you. I love you so much it hurts. It's so cliché and so pathetic and so unlike me, I know, but you're everything I've ever wanted in a man, Aaron. You're strong, you're fair, you're kind, you're honest. I promised so long ago to not tell the team how sweet you are, but I'm not ashamed to say it in a letter. The way you'd whisper my name in bed, how you'd stroke my hair when I had nightmares, it was always too good to be true. But it isn't. You're there, waiting for me to come home, to call, and I'm here in a motel plotting a murder.
Part of me feels so gross, so dirty and disgusting about this. However, the part that feels that this is the only way is much stronger, much more persistent. I trust myself, I know myself, and I know this is the only way. Sometimes I think I'm just saying that to make myself believe it, but deep down I know it's the truth. No matter how badly it hurts, I'm sticking to it. I love you and everyone else too much to involve you all in this. Not that you aren't going to figure it out eventually… You're brilliant, the team is brilliant. I don't doubt you'll find me, but I'm hoping you're too late, because if you find me dead, you won't find Doyle. I think you're the best FBI agent to ever exist, but Doyle has something you don't have – cruelty.
You try so hard to be emotionless, Aaron, but I haven't been able to see you that way since I held you while you cried a few years ago. Thinking about that still makes me all bleary eyed. You're so strong, baby, so stoic and hard as stone, and to see you break down just kills me. You've been there for me through hard cases and through my problems. To be there when you needed me might hurt my heart but it also made me feel so good. To know that I could help, that I could comfort you in times that were hard for you, just made my love for you so much stronger.
Do you remember the first time you told me that you loved me? We were at Jack's soccer game, cheering him on, and he had run to the wrong end of field. We were screaming at him to run the other way, standing up and throwing our arms around like crazy people. He looked so damn mortified when he finally heard us that he just froze up. That little asshole from the other team tripped Jack and stole the ball (I still can't believe you didn't kill his father) and we both ran out onto the field like someone had just fired a gun. I had gotten to Jack first, scooping him up while you marched over to the ref and tore him a new one (still sexy). Jack just wanted to go home because he was so embarrassed that 'Dad and Emily made him look like a baby' but I convinced him that the other kids needed him.
To be honest, Jack isn't exactly the best soccer player but he's so enthusiastic! After the ref was thoroughly chewed out we met back at our chairs, sitting down and we just reached for each other's hand at the same time. I remember this very clearly – you laced your fingers with mine and leaned over for a kiss, telling me how thankful you were I had talked Jack into finishing the game. You had told me what a good mother I'd make and how lucky you were to have me around, not only for you, but for Jack, too. I told you I loved Jack as if he was my own, even though I shouldn't. You looked so shocked when I said that. You asked me why I'd feel like I couldn't love him, and I said because I'd never be able to replace his mom. What you said after that changed me forever.
You said, "Em, you'll never replace Haley. I don't want you to. Jack doesn't want you to. You're not her, and that's a good thing. I will always love Haley, because she was my wife and the mother of my child, but that is in the past. You, Emily, are my future. Or at least I hope you are. Just because you aren't Jack's biological mother doesn't mean you can't be the best damn mommy to him. Maybe not today, maybe not for a long time, but I want you around for good, and you know I'm a package deal."
I had just stared at you, the sun right in my eyes, so astounded by your words that I couldn't even breathe. I recall you pulled me in close enough to kiss me again, and you smiled really big when I blurted we had only been dating for a few weeks. I wish I had this on film, so I could see that look in your eye and hear the tender tone in your voice when you said, "It may only be a few weeks, Emily, and this isn't how I wanted to do this, but I'm so in love with you. I have been for months. You don't have to say it back."
I laughed at you. Oh, Aaron, I still feel horrible about that. The petrified look on your face! I was laughing because I was nervous and because you told me I didn't have to say it back. Of course I loved you, you silly man! I wanted to say that, but I just kissed you instead and whispered the sentiment back to you. The smile on your face was worth the world. I would give my life to see that smile right now. I hope I can see that same smile again someday. That was the first night you asked me to stay after dinner. You made love to me so softly, so tenderly, that I don't think I've ever felt so complete. You had repeated 'I love you' so many times I had lost count, and although I moaned it back, I didn't have a single clear thought in my head.
The way you moved in and out of me, how you hiked my legs up to wrap fully around your waist, the push and pull of your hips. The way you growl 'you're so wet' still gives me shivers, makes me so turned on. Even in the midst of all this shit, I still get goosebumps thinking about how you'd beg me to lose it first, to let you feel me tighten around you. I love your dirty mouth in bed. I remember the first time you called me your 'dirty slut', I about lost it. We're such freaks, babe. I know we didn't pull any of that masochistic kind of crap, but we got a little kinky here and there. I'm not complaining, believe me. I'll never get used to your face contorting in pleasure and how your hands would dig into my hips when you'd take me from behind, practically screaming my name as you came.
I think you knew something was off the other night when I asked you to make love to me rather than have our usual 'oral sex Sunday' as you once so bluntly put it. Not that it was a bad idea! We didn't always get time to just focus on the other person's pleasure because half the time we were so tired that we didn't get a lot of foreplay time, but… You know damn well how much I loved to on my knees in front of you, watching you through my lashes as I sucked you off. And your tongue. Oh, sweet Jesus, your tongue! I'm soaked just picturing it flicking my clit and thrusting in and out of me.
Somehow this just went from a goodbye letter to something you'd read in an erotic novel. I'm sorry. I'm considering just scrapping this and restarting, but I don't know if I'd be able to hold it together long enough to once again use the word 'goodbye'. I hope this isn't goodbye. I hope you know that if there's any chance that I'm alive I will find a way back to you. I promise you that if I am alive but in hiding, I won't go looking for Doyle. Not again. Not after putting you through all this. Just know that I'm safe, wherever I may be. If I am truly dead, if you had the horror of seeing my body then I am forever sorry, Aaron.
Picturing you not around anymore breaks my heart, so I can only imagine what you're going through if I am truly gone for good. Know that I'm with you every day, that I'm right there beside you while you're chasing UNSUBs and while you're cheering Jack on at his soccer games. Know that I'm that deep breath you take while you cry, the moment of happiness through your tears. I'm there, Aaron, even if you can't see me. I'm in your heart, I know that. I'll never forgive myself, but I hope one day you'll forgive me. That you won't think horribly of me once the truth comes out about Doyle and I.
I need you to know that he has always been just a job. No matter what happens, what anyone says, what you hear, Doyle was never anything to me. Nothing. Declan was important to me, yes. He was the only thing that I ever cared about during that time. Doyle was nothing but scum, the bubblegum that sticks to the bottom of your shoe. There has never been anyone who has made me feel like you, baby. No one. I have never felt so loved, so whole, so beautiful, than when I was with you. For almost two years I felt like nothing could ever go wrong, even after hard cases, because I had you to come home to when I wanted.
I'm sorry I didn't move in when you asked me to. I had planned to tell you yes, but then I found out about all this bullshit. I still say I was basically living with you. There were only a few nights a month I'd be at my apartment, but I liked it that way. I liked seeing you and Jack, to be able to just unwind and snuggle on the couch before you'd carry me to bed.
I miss you already. I hate not knowing what's going to happen, when the next time I'll see you is. I hate not knowing if I'll ever be able to walk down the aisle in a white dress, stand with you before our family and friends, and profess our undying love to each other. I know you wanted to remarry, you had told me so in the beginning of this. You'd said, "I'm in this for the long haul, and the long haul will probably include marriage. Just so you know." You said it so damn nonchalantly! You knew I had always wanted kids, but I wasn't ever to tell you how badly I wanted to wear a band on my finger that showed the entire world that I was solely yours for presumably the rest of our lives. And now I feel as if we never even got the chance to start "the rest of our lives".
What the hell are you going to tell Jack? That's the question that keeps popping into my mind. I'm so horrified with myself when I think of all the possible reasons you'll give him for me being gone. Just remind him every single day how much I love and cherish him. Other than you, he's the best thing to have ever happened to me. I see him like the son I never had. He's so sweet and kind and smart. I will never forget the day he shouted "I love you!" at me for the first time when I left a few months ago. My heart felt so full and I cried happy tears the entire way home that night. I called you when I got home, as always, and Jack demanded to speak to me to tell me goodnight and he told me he loved me again. You laughed at me because I was crying again, you mean man!
I'm kidding; you aren't a mean man. You're one of the nicest men I've never met. I always thought it was cliché to say that someone was your heart and soul, but Aaron, you are my heart and soul. You've always been the person I've run to when I'm having a bad day. You're the person who holds me tight and kisses away all the bad things I think about. With you, I'm free and happy and I'm so scared that I'll never feel that again.
I'm so scared, Aaron. I'm most afraid that I'll never see you again. Or that you'll be the one to find me dead. The last thing I want is for you to find me bleeding on the floor of some concrete building. I know he'll probably take me to where Declan "died" if he ever does get me. But I'm still holding tight to the fact that I might make it out of this alive and be able to come home to you and Jack when this is all said and done. I don't have a good feeling about that, though. I wish you were here to make this all better, Aaron. You'd hold my hand and tell me everything will be alright, even if it wasn't going to be. I see your face when I close my eyes and I imagine your voice, but it's just not good enough today.
I can't make this letter go on forever, no matter how badly I wish it could. I don't feel like I was able to properly explain to you just how deeply I love you. You are my heart, Aaron. You're my soul mate, my best friend. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I can't imagine living my life without you in it. If there is a way, I'll come back to you, baby, just you wait. I need to end this because I need to stop crying and I have a mission to complete. Just know that you and Jack are on my mind like a record on repeat. Your gorgeous faces and sweet voices will be what I'm hearing while I try to make this world just a little safer. I hope you understand, and I hope that this letter is burning in a fireplace and you haven't read it but… If you are, just remember this: I love you more than anything, and I'll be home soon. I know you'll get him, Aaron. Goodbye, my love.
A/N – Please take just a moment out to review! They really mean a lot to me. Thanks so much!