The Grand Finale
It's been a year since the whole incident with Lord Boss and Bill-E. To tell the truth, I regret ever agreeing to Lord Boss's dumb game. Oh wait – I never did agree. He made me play.
Dervish is still a vegetable.
Occasionally he shows a few signs or intelligence, like once he managed to the pull the blinds down, but only one side, so his sudden action wasn't too intelligent. Whatever. He never was intelligent anyway. I mean, he can't lose what he never had, right?
Come to think of it, I like it better this way. Dervish all quiet and blank and ignoring me instead of disapproving of me, him and Meera no longer arguing about cupcakes... the only bad thing about this whole arrangement is Bill-E. Now that Dervish – or, as Bill-E calls him, Mr Crumbles – is gone, he hangs around the house even more than usual. I think I even saw his cow self munching on a few of the flower pots in the sitting room. I mean, who the hell eats only the flower pot? I was going to screech at him to scram, but then a five-foot tall frog burst out of the dishwasher and chased me up to my bedroom. Don't even ask me how the dishwasher got to be in the sitting room.
You know what? I think I'm going to use capitals instead of italics to emphasise my words. HA. There. I'm DIFFERENT now. Maybe I'll just emphasise ALL my words so I can right – woops, I mean WRITE – this entire last chapter in capitals. Ha. THEN I'll be different. I'll be so different that... that... OK, look, I don't really think Navyseal33 is bothered to come up with some quirky pun or any of the sort, so I won't type any quirky pun. Sorry to all disappointed viewers. JEEZ Navyseal33, why do have to disappoint your viewers?
Oh yeah? Well, without me you wouldn't even have a story. I mean, you would, but then your story would be the scary, normal, TOTALLY serious original – Lord Loss. I mean, who wants a scary demon master? And by the way, it's reader, not viewer.
Well, the original did sell millions, and it made a lot more sense. Like, werecows? How the HELL did you come up with that?
I have no freaking idea.
Anyway, back to the story (jeez, I thought Navyseal33 wouldn't butt in anymore?).
I walk out of the mansion, whistling merrily, but freeze when I see Bill-E as a cow wallowing in strawberry ice-cream. Uh oh. Dervish won't be too happy when he returns.
"Bad Bill-E!" I snap, warding the mooing Bill-E cow off with a rake that mysteriously appeared in my hands. "Bad Bill-E!"
Bill-E gives a forlorn moo and backs away. Suddenly Meera leaps out of an invisible tree wearing a bright blue apron and clutching a silver tray of cupcakes in her hands. She glares at Bill-E and uses her left arm to shield her cupcakes.
"I know what your doing," she sneers at the brown cow, "and don't think I don't just because I said 'your' instead of 'you're'."
"Uh... what?" I ask. It begins raining doughnuts and then the mansion turns into a massive building of cinnamon sticks. A party of weirdoes dressed in frilly, vibrant costumes frolic down the street, tossing bagels everywhere. Meera turns to me.
"That's right," she says, "I've brought an entire army to protect my cupcakes."
And the army of weirdoes descend on us, and I stare hopelessly in horrror.
Back in the Popcornata...
Dervish and Lord Boss were still battling. Even though they had been battling this out for a year, to them it felt like only a week had passed. This was the meanest food-fight Dervish had ever experienced, and he was losing.
"My chocolate eyes!" he howled in anguish, clutching a bowl that had once been filled to the brim with chocolate eyeballs, "They stole my chocolate eyes!"
His own, real eyes followed the trail of the chocolate spheres scattered on the streamer-sheathed floor, and reached Artery and Vein who were gorging themselves with the food. Dervish gawped in horror.
"My eyes!" he gasped the fact that this was supposed to be a one-on-one battle between him and Lord Boss, the two freak familiars were here too.
His wide-eyed stare narrowed into a hateful, vehement glare, and he growled in displeasure.
"You took them," he hissed at Artery and Vein. The two demons abruptly ceased their massive pig-out and gazed sheepishly at Dervish. Artery's fiery pits for eyes flickered with fear, and Vein's beady black buttons gleamed with uncertainty.
And then they struck again.
Vein barreled into Dervish, the momentum knocking him back off his feet. Artery then scampered onto Dervish's stockpile of even more chocolate eyes and devoured the entire lot in only three seconds.
"NO!" Dervish screamed. Vein quickly joined Artery, and they sneered at the heartbroken, middle-aged man.
"The master..." he whispered, and a triumphant Lord Boss munching on popcorn kernels drifted in. An annoyed Kernel jumped out of the popcorn bowl and glared at everybody.
"I told you, I'm NOT a popcorn kernel!" he snapped and stormed out of the room. Dervish snapped out of his terrified awe and stared after the disgruntled boy.
"Uh... OK..." he said. "That was... bizarre."
He averted his gaze back to Lord Boss, and once again appeared overwhelmed with terror.
"Don't... please... not again. My chocolate eyes. Leave them alone. Please..."
"No," said Lord Boss indifferently and shoved his hand down the mass of popcorn -
OK, you know what, I really don't want an indignant Kernel to appear out of nowhere again insisting he's not a popcorn kernel, so I won't finish the sentence and you, the reader, can just pretend that I did.
Of course, Navyseal33 hadn't realised that she could have just, you know, omitted Lord Boss eating popcorn kernels entirely.
Hey! Watch out, third-person narrator. We do NOT want Kernel to interrupt again, do we?
Now it's my turn to go, "Uh... OK..."
You're a THIRD-PERSON narrator, not a freaking FIRST-PERSON narrator! God! Stop trying to confuse the reader!
Anyway - ignoring Navyseal33's sudden interruption – Dervish scowled, forgetting that he was supposed to be a helpless victim of Lord Boss's horrible schemes of torment and said, in a childish voice, "Fine, be that way then."
And he stomped his foot in indignation and waggled his tongue at Lord Boss. Lord Boss took offense to this babyish act and retaliated by flicking some popcorn kernels -
"I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT A POPCORN KERNEL! STOP DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME!"
Kernel collapsed in a teary, anguished heap on the candy wrapper-strewn floor. Of course, nobody cares about him, so let's just ignore -
"I care about me!" Kernel pouted.
Sorry, there's a misunderstanding here – when the third-person narrator writes that nobody cares about you, she, you know, generally means that nobody cares about you, Kernel. (And if you're wondering why I'm suddenly referring to myself as the "third-person narrator", that's because my title means I have to write in third-person all the time. Also Navyseal33 is a picky-picky.)
That was completely ineffectual, you know? You're contradicting yourself... dumb third-person narrator.
Yeah? Well, you do realise we're the same freaking person?
You know what? I'm just going to pretend you never wrote that.
Dervish and Lord Boss exchange a few unintelligible noises (you know, the weird "nyah" sounds that five year olds make at each other when they're mad?) before Vein interjects, "You know, this is just plain weird. Lord Boss obviously won, so why don't Dervish just go?"
Dervish turns on her, before realising that Vein and Artery had swapped identities again, meaning he'd actually turned on him.
Hey, the third-person narrator just suddenly switched from past tense to present tense.
Oh, shut up and continue the story. God, if you hadn't mentioned that the reader probably wouldn't have noticed.
"Oh, I get it now," Dervish hissed (now the third-person narrator is back to past-tense). "You guys don't want me here, do you? You're all meany-meany-meany pants, aren't you? Well, I don't need you either. I hate you and I never wanna talk you ever again!"
And in a blubbery fit of sobs, Dervish disappeared in a puff of neon green smoke.
Back in the normal world (which isn't very normal anyway. Just slightly less weird)...
Dervish materialises right in between me and a weird old lady whose hair has been dyed magenta. Good, so the creamy meringue pie she was hurling at me will hit him instead. The pie squelches in Dervish's bewildered face, and slowly oozeds off like a mangled-but-still-somehow-alive bug across a rough piece of bark.
"Meh. It tastes good," he comments in a mutter, licking away the rich beige cream. Meera, who had been cackling hysterically, ceases her laughter and gawks at the newly arrived Dervish.
"You... like it?" she asks cautiously.
"Yeah," Dervish says, "why not?"
Meera's face breaks into an ecstatic beam.
"Nobody's ever said that about my food before! You know, what, I'm so happy that you said that that I'll stop terrorising you! Come on, Army of Weirdoes, let's head back to Bubblegum Island and bake some more muffins!"
They eccentric horde disappeared in a blinding white light and I say, "They're actually called the Army of Weirdoes?"
Dervish shrugs, and gestures for me to enter the mansion, which has magically converted back to its normal appearance. We leave a writhing Bill-E in the field.
"Want to play on a LAN World in Minecraft?" he asks.
"Yeah, sure, why not," I assent.
AND THEN WE PLAYED MINECRAFT AND WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
OK, I LIED, NOT REALLY. I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT BILL-E PLUNGED THROUGH THE WINDOW AND BROKE A FEW OF DERVISH'S BONES. SO THAT KIND OF CANCELS OUT "THE END" AND THE FACT IT WAS A HAPPY ENDING.
The end of Book One of the Popcornata.
Blurb for Book Two, Popcorn Thief:
When Kernel Fleck's popcorn bowl – still containing the popcorn – is stolen demons, he is left with no choice but to follow them into their world. It is a place of magic, chaos and incredible chocolate. Kernel has three aims:
- Find his popcorn
- Take his popcorn
- Eat his popcorn
But a popcorn-less demon awaits him, and it turns out he's not so popcorn-less after all...
Tagline: He always gets what he wants...
A/N: OK, guys, I'm SO GENUINELY SORRY that I haven't updated in, I don't know, six months? I've had so much homework, assessments, etc., and I couldn't really be bothered to update. But I finally got round to doing it and here it is. Hope you liked it! I've begun Popcorn Thief, but it might not be coming up soon. Like, next month, probably. Or I can bring myself to writing it now... oh, what the heck, why not?
Oh yeah, and you might've noticed I included a tagline for Popcorn Thief and not Lord Boss. How about... "It's in the popcorn..."? No? Whatever, you can come up with one yourself.
On a much more positive note, I've come up with the plots and titles for the rest of the books in the Popcornata. And trust me, it's crazy... nothing like the real Demonata. And Popcorn Thief is about ten times as stupid as Lord Boss. At least, in my opinion.