This is a Kico one-shot, supposed to be erotic but turned out comical... Anyway, enjoy!

Disclaimer: Kowalski and Rico belong to Tom Mcgrath and co. The way they behave however, is only coming out of my perverted mind! ;)

To all the Brits out there, sorry for making fun of your royals! And to all the Danes, keep making Carlsberg beer!

No boogers have been eaten during the making of this fic. And no penguins have been hurt...


The HQ felt rather empty now that half the team was gone. Skipper went to Denmark to prove his innocence in his participation in the Carlsberg factory corruption. Probably the best scandal in history! It was so classified even his team didn't know what happened there and they weren't allowed to come with him. Little Private was visiting Uncle Nigel in Great Britain to go on a mission to remove Duchess Kate's chastity belt now that she had informed the public she and her prince wanted to start a family.

So Rico and Kowalski were left alone for a couple of days. Though it was boring as heaven, they enjoyed the double dose of fish - well, Rico enjoyed a triple dose and Kowalski his usual portion. Kowalski had invented an automatic nose-picker so you could pick your nose hands free when driving. Now he was about to test it on Rico, who was enjoying his daily meal of boogers.

Rico loved to eat his own mucus, especially in the morning when they were crusty. He would stick the tip of his right flipper in his nostril, scoop the green gold up and then he threw his catch in the air to catch it with his long tongue. He loved the salty taste and the slimy tale of his little friends. So when he saw Kowalski come over, he looked up from his dessert with a disturbed glare.

"Wha-?" the deranged booger-hunter grunted.

"Enjoying your boogers, Rico?" the inventing penguin asked with an appalled expression plastered on his face.

Rico offered him to enjoy one of his boogers, in fact, he demanded him to eat it. The said booger was yellowy-green with a long, slimy trail that almost dropped on Kowalski's feet.

"No Rico!" the taller bird yelled and pushed his flipper away. Rico kept poking his face with the booger until it ended in Kowalski's eye.

"Thank you, Rico..." he wiped his eye out with a cloth Rico had regurgitated for him, only to realize the bomb regurgitator had left a nasty surprise of eaten boogers in the middle of the cloth.

"Hehehe..." the bulky penguin laughed. Kowalski could be so stupid for a smart guy. Kowalski though a similar thing about Rico -he could be so clever for an idiot.

"Very funny, Rico!" he exclaimed while he washed his eye out with water.

Rico already lost attention and dug for another nose snack.

"Rico, I want you to test this for me! I'm sure it'll be very useful when you take Ms Perky for a ride!" Rico looked unimpressed at the Boogerscooper TM.

"Why don't you take place in the car and see the usefulness of this device for yourself?"

"Oh-kay!" Rico followed Kowalski to his beloved on four wheels. "Ello, baby!" he cooed at the pink car and kissed her. Kowalski perked an eyebrow.

"Sit down, Rico," the nerdy penguin told his bully friend. The big guy took place behind the wheel and Kowalski sat on the passenger's seat.

"Just pretend you're driving around with Ms Perky on a sunny day and..." before he could finish his instructions, Rico's arm was around his neck and he was touching his private parts.

"Rico! I'm not Ms Perky!" Kowalski pushed his grabby flippers away.

"Hehe..." Rico smiled sheepishly. Kowalski made a good substitute, in fact, this felt even better. He could go for something a little more warmblooded than what he was used to.

"Anyways, you're driving your car and suddenly you crave for mucus, what do you do?"

Rico started to dig for boogers while he let go of the steer, "Ta-da!"

"Exactly! But when you're driving at high speed, you might bump into something and crash!"

The plumpy penguin let out a shriek and hugged the car frantically; he didn't want this baby to get hurt again. He remembered the time he wrecked her and how angry she was after he fixed her.

"Right. And we don't want that to happen, so pay close attention!" the skinny penguin enthusiastically squeaked and gave Rico the Boogerscooper TM.

"I call this baby Boogerscooper! She can reach deeper than any flipper, you don't make a mess and she insures all safety for you and your passengers!" Kowalski cried out like a madman, his eyes gazing in the distance as if this was the invention of the century.

Rico looked scared at the thinner penguin but he wanted to give it a try. He almost felt sorry for his not-so-clever-after-all friend. He took the invention and examined it briefly before he started to shake it to see what it did.

"No, no, don't shake it! Let me show you how it's done!" Kowalski grabbed his precious out of Rico's dangerous flippers.

"This is the "finger", something evolution has denied us," he rambled on to an uninterested Rico. "You put the "finger" in your nostril like this," he put the sausage -shaped as an index finger in Rico's left nostril and switched a button in the ON-position.

The Boogerscooper TM started to make a buzzing noise and the finger was scooping up all boogers in one snatch, removed itself out of Rico's nostril and pushed itself in his beak. Rico didn't like this all that much, he wanted to punch the sucker back but it already penetrated his right nostril. When it was done his nostrils hurt and there was nothing left for him to pick.

"So what do you think? Brilliant, isn't it? Rico rubbed his neck with his right flipper, he didn't want to hurt the mad genius' feelings but this sucked.

"Earth to Rico..." the scientist urged him to speak his thoughts.

"Goo-" he lied and made a thumbs up with his left flipper.

"I knew it! Now let's go for a ride and see this baby work while you drive!" Rico wanted to ditch him and let him test it with his own nostrils to see how "good" it actually was but he didn't trust him alone with his car. He knew Kowalski sucked behind the wheel after he drove over Private -twice.

Rico made the car ready for a drive, he had installed Ms Perky in the backseat and Kowalski attached the Boogerscooper TM on the steer.

"She's ready, let's hit the road!" Kowalski jumped in the car.

"Yeah!" Rico did the same, started the vehicle and put her in gear. He stepped on the gas and launched like a rocket. Rico got a wild expression on his face, his tongue hanged paralysed out of his beak while his mohawk laid down due to the great speed. Kowalski had to hold on to his seat out of fear they might hit something.

"Slow down! We can't test her if you drive that fast!" Rico hung his head and pushed the break until he was driving at a reasonable speed.

Kowalski set the Boogerscooper TM on and watched everything going. The finger inserted Rico's left nostril and dug but there was nothing left. An alarm went off and a red light blinked as a warning. A seductively female voice started to say: "the nostril you're trying to empty has already been scooped, please push the OFF-button if you don't want your brains to get scooped out!"

The genius penguin tried to push the button but it didn't work, the alarm kept ringing and the voice kept telling them to push the button in a calm voice. Rico started to freak out, he didn't want his brains to get scooped out, all he wanted was enjoying his ride and his boogers. He didn't watch where he was driving and crashed into the wall of Joey's exhibit.

"Oy, mates!" the tempered kangaroo yelled and kicked them with car and all back to their habitat.

When they regained from the shock, they noticed the Boogerscooper TM had stopped the alarm. Rico only had a nosebleed, but Ms Perky and the car were totalled. He screamed at Kowalski in an incomprehensible language and hugged his "toys".

"At least you still got your brains..." Kowalski grinned sheepishly. Rico glared at him, he would so pay for this. He walked past the tall guy inside HQ, leaving the latter by himself to clean up the mess.

"That's right, take a rest while I fix this!" he yelled after his muscled friend, hoping that would also fix their friendship.

Kowalski bent over to pick up the leftovers of Ms Perky, the car and the Boogerscooper TM. That last one with an ache in his heart. He never noticed the shadow casting over him. He felt a smack at the back of his head and fell on the ground surrounded by blackness.

The science freak woke up after what seemed hours, he tried to move but his flippers and paws were duct taped onto a table. His head hurt so much, it felt like there was a hammer knocking inside. He looked around for any sign of Rico, but he couldn't see much from where he laid.

All of a sudden, the table was twisted vertically and Rico stood in front of him with the baseball bat he had used to hit him unconscious. Kowalski tried to speak but his beak was sealed with duct tape.

Rico had a murderous glare on his face and Kowalski thought he would wet his feathers. There was no one to save him from Rico's wrath. He pleaded him with his eyes for forgiveness. It was only material damage, nothing that couldn't be fixed.

A smile broke through the psycho penguin's deranged face in a devilish grin. He threw the bat away and plucked a feather out of his mohawk, plenty where that came from anyway.

Kowalski sighed relieved, but he didn't quite get why Rico plucked his own feathers. Certainly not the mohawk he wore with pride. Before he had time to think much further he felt the feather tickle his feet.

Rico enjoyed himself, this was something he wanted to do for years and now he finally had the chance. He didn't know why but he always had been attracted to Kowalski. Only problem was that he's way too talkative and lively too handle but now he had him where he wanted him. He wouldn't move a muscle or say a word of protest. Besides, it's his fault he had no girlfriends left to have his way with.

The mad penguin continued his tickle-session, slowly working his way over Kowalski's chest and erogenous zones to get him in the mood. Kowalski laughed and groaned under the treatment, this wasn't so bad but he didn't want to think about what would follow. Rico was so unpredictable, he didn't know what to expect.

Rico blew hot oxygen in his ears while he kept tickling his lower parts, making Kowalski curl in pleasure. He wanted to scream but the tape didn't allow him to.

The scarred bird licked his face, he never knew nerds tasted this good. He had beaten tons of them but he never had a taste of one before. The lanky penguin tried to turn his face away, Rico had a breath that smelled like brimstone mixed with rotten fish guts.

He turned the table horizontally again and sat on top of Kowalski, right on the intelligent penguin's bladder -which wasn't a pleasant feeling. Rico didn't care; he kept licking his face while he pushed his weight on top of the other penguin like an annoying dog.

Rico went over his neck to his chest, lower and lower, here and there a bite to keep Kowalski aware that this was a punishment. He stopped just above his genetalia, it was too soon to give him some pleasure. No, he had a striking treatment in mind, a nostril for a cloaca.

Although the Boogerscooper TM was broken, it could still be manually used. Before Rico went after it, he decided to blindfold Kowalski so he would never see it coming. He loved his own sadistic geniality. He took Private's winter scarf -he wouldn't miss it now he's gone- and wrapped it around Kowalski's head to cover his eyes. He planted a kiss on his forehead to ensure him everything was going to be just fine- at least for him.

He picked the device off of the floor where Kowalski had dropped it when he got hit. He laughed hysterically while the thin penguin tried to scream for mercy, he didn't know what Rico was planning to do to him but it didn't sound pretty.

As if to warn Kowalski what was coming, the Boogerscooper started to live again and the female voice spat out: "your brains have been successfully scooped. A technical difficulty has occurred during the use of the Boogerscooper TM, results may not be satisfying."

"Oh yes, they will," Rico thought evilly. Kowalski started to go mental on his table now he knew what Rico was planning to do with him. He was about to get scooped "down there".

He squirmed like a worm to get free but resistance was futile. A short pain down under told him it was too late, he's being scooped. The finger poked his testes, safely hidden in his cloaca. Worst pain he had ever experienced, he never realized this was such a painful spot. He truly felt sorry for mammals with external genitals.

"Something is blocking the Boogerscooper TM, please remove the Boogerscooper TM or turn the Boogerscooper TM off. The inventor is not responsible for any damage if the Boogerscooper TM is wrongfully used."

Rico decided he had enough, and removed the invention. He went over to Kowalski and took the scarf away from his face. The nerdy penguin glared daggers at him, this was it, he overstepped the line. He would tell Skipper everything and he would make sure Rico went to court martial.

The sturdy penguin smiled innocently and gave him another peck on his cheek. His eyes said: "sorry but you deserved it and you know it!"

Kowalski growled between his closed beak, he knew he had broken Rico's dearest possessions but he didn't believe he deserved this treatment.

But Rico wasn't done yet; he placed himself between Kowalski's paws and let his tongue do the talking. The squishy wetness palpating his hidden genitalia made him shudder from pleasure. He never knew penguins actually could feel pleasure, he thought this was only for mammals.

Rico kept moving his tongue fast inside the other penguin's cloaca until he felt something he could only compare with an orgasm. He released some semen out of his gonads, thinking he was peeing or pooping. Whatever, it all came out of the same hole anyway and Rico didn't mind a dirty mix.

The deranged one wiped his beak with a flipper and burped, "yum!"

Kowalski didn't know how to feel, Rico had just awakened unknown feelings but he was still angry at him. When he was released by the fruitcake, he glared at him, took his Boogerscooper TM and started off to his lab but Rico wasn't finished just yet.

He got tackled by the stronger penguin and pushed on the ground. Rico mounted him and gave him the cloaca kiss of a lifetime.

Kowalski felt flatter than ever underneath the much heavier penguin. He didn't have the chance to feel much pleasure while he gasped for breath, but Rico didn't need much time. When he was done, he released his friend and helped him back up as if nothing had happened.

For a moment, the tall penguin was nailed to the ground. He didn't know what to say or do to his crazy friend. Had he just retrieved a punishment or a service from Rico?

He would never know because Rico was already picking his nose again, his mind in booger heaven. Kowalski shook his head and went to his lab to fix Rico's toys. If there's one thing he had learnt was that he would never mess with Rico's toys again, or test another invention on him. Still, he had enjoyed the oral treatment, maybe he could ask Private to do that once in a while.

When Skipper and Private returned a couple of days later, everything was back to normal. The awkward silence was gone, Rico's toys were fixed, Kowalski had no more pain and the Boogerscooper TM had landed in the bin where it belonged. From the terrifying screams out of the lemur's habitat it was clear that King Julien had found it.

"So, have you won the trial, Skipper?" Kowalski asked curiously.

"No, but I got this..." Skipper showed a six-pack of Carlsberg beer he had held behind his back.

"Probably the best souvenir you can bring home from Denmark!" Kowalski shouted.

"How about you, young Private?" Skipper asked his youngest soldier.

"I got this!" Private wore the chastity belt he had removed from Prince William's wife.

Kowalski and Rico exchanged a glance, there went their next victim.

"What have you two done while we were gone?" Private asked the two.

"Hanged around, nothing special," Kowalski lied.

"Yup!" Rico confirmed, nodding his head.


This was my first Kico! XB If you have taken the time to read this, please review. Sorry for all the boogers and other digusting body fluids. The Boogerscooper TM does not really exsist, you'll have to do it yourself! XP