A/N Yes, I know I should be updating Sweeney Odd A Parody, but this plot bunny kept bugging me and I couldn't resist writing it. I hope you enjoy the first chapter of Swooney Todd: The Demon Fangirls of Fleet Street!
Disclaimer: It is not mine. Why must you rub that fact in my face whenever I post a story?
One day Sweeney Todd was at St. Dunstan's market. He was out to buy a sexy new vest. Not that his usual vest wasn't sexy enough – rather Sweeney just loved to buy himself sexy new vests (as you'll know if you frequently read Sweeney Todd humor fics on this site). He was just running his fingers along a velvet one when he was whacked across the back with a club.
Sweeney stumbled forward.
"Mr. Swooney Todd, we are policeofficers from the King's jurisdiction of London and we are appalled that you have escaped from prison in Australia." A firm female voice said.
Sweeney turned around and was just about to correct the stranger on the mispronunciation of his name when he was rendered speechless. Standing in front of him were two petite... could they really be police officers? And since when did the king allow female police? They were dressed just like London policemen, but their clothes seemed too large for them, especially for the smaller of the two women. Both had their hair tucked into their hats, though blonde wisps of hair could be seen hanging out from underneath the smaller woman's hat and a ginger colored curl had fallen out from under the hat of the taller one.
"You must come with us immediately." The smaller woman said, her voice strained in an attempt to sound lower as she raised her club threateningly.
Sweeney reached for his razor, but now he discovered that the policewomen must have pick-pocketed it from him when he was too busy admiring vests to notice.
Grumbling, Sweeney went with them. It was quite suspicious, he thought. The policewomen seemed quite young, but they didn't seem like children. They had the toughness that Burtonian London never had and both their faces were heavily made up.
"I didn't know that women could be policemen." Sweeney stated.
"We thought you'd ask, didn't we Sarah?"
The smaller woman nodded and grinned. Then both the women took yellow sashes which read "Women's Rights" out of their pockets and put them on. To their delight, Sweeney seemed to buy it. In Actuality Sweeney was just hoping that Mrs. Lovett didn't hear of this "Women's Rights" business.
The policewomen led Sweeney through the streets, their clubs blocking Sweeney's escape as they whispered to each other constantly.
"I can't believe he came with us!" The smaller woman whispered to the somewhat taller one.
"I know, right? I guess these clubs are pretty threatening. I hated having to hit him though." The Taller one replied.
"Yeah." The smaller one said sadly. "When you did it I... I felt as if I had been hit myself."
"Cheer-up." The taller one consoled her. "We'll put him in a cage soon."
"SQEE!" The smaller one cried. This had been the only time either of them had broken from whispering and the smaller one was elbowed by the taller one immediately.
Luckily for them, our favourite barber had not heard this conversation – only the SQEE, which had been most unexpected. However, in his usual Sweeney way, he stayed silent and kept walking.
When the trio reached the docks, the policewomen stopped Sweeney by a boat.
The smaller one cleared her throat. "And now, Mr. Todd, we will require a strip-search to um... to ensure that you have no weapons hidden on your person."
Sweeney's face turned sour. "You want what?" he growled.
Seeing his disinterest in their request, the policewomen nodded at eachother and the taller one pulled out a pair of handcuffs.
"If you don't strip right now I'll have to handcuff you, sir, and leave like that until we reach Head Quar – I mean Australia." She said.
Sweeney's face turned to confusion. "Why are the handcuffs pink and fluffy?" he asked.
Fear flashed across the faces of the policewomen, as realization dawned on Sweeney's.
"No..." he whispered.
"Crap! He's got us!" The smaller one cried, her voice sounding less strained and younger than ever.
Sweeney pulled a wet sponge from his pocket (because we all carry wet sponges around with us when we go vest shopping. I know I do.) and wiped the faces of both women clean. Without the excessive foundation and eyeliner it now became clear to him, and confirmed his theory that the women were in fact girls.
"You're not policewomen at all are you?" He yelled at the taller girl, grabbing her by the collar.
"No sir." She muttered.
"How old are you?" he asked, his voice low.
"Sixteen." She squeaked.
"And you." He turned to the smaller girl, who had been creeping up on him from behind in an attempt to stroke his hair. "You're just a child aren't you?" Sweeney shouted.
"I'm not a child! I turned thirteen last month!" she replied sassily. "So get a chill-pill, Swooney!"
If Sweeney Todd was a cartoon, steam would have been coming out of his ears. Then, all of a sudden he stood as still as a statue. The strip-search, the pink fluffy handcuffs, the teens going to such lengths to kidnap him... they all pointed to one conclusion.
"FANGIRLS!" Sweeney screamed.
He had always feared them. His high-cheekbones, beautiful face and amazing hair had always drawn women to him, but fangirls were different. They were obsessed, motivated and had can-do attitudes. They were even worse than DUN DUN DUN... Mrs. Lovett!
As quick as a swipe of his razor, Sweeney pushed the girls into the ocean and ran for his barber shop at top speed.
The older girl, Becky, and her younger fangirl friend, Sarah, resurfaced to find that "Swooney Todd" was nowhere to be seen.
"Urgh! We were so close, we almost had him." Sarah lamented.
"Don't worry about that now." Becky replied, paddling back to the dock. "What do you think the others back at Head Quarters will think when they find out we were unsuccessful."
"Oh no... What do you think they'll do to us?"
"I reckon we'll be banned from watching the Pie Shop security cameras for a week. Maybe two."
Sarah scowled. "We'll be back. We'll get Swooney if it takes us a decade. We'll get him. And when we do; we'll stripsearch him!"
A/N So what did you think? Is it worth continuing? Please let me know by reviewing and I'll love you forever! In a non-fangirl way, of-course. :)