Disclaimer: I don't own them. That's about it.
Warnings: yaoi, cursing, rape, self-loathing Tetsuhiro
Pairings: Tetsuhiro x Souichi, OC x Tetsuhiro
Summary: He was so sorry, and yet he knew that even going through this torture would never absolve him of his guilt.
Notes: Another one that's been bouncing around in my head for months now… I'm not too good at angst or drama, and I've never really written enough smut to know if I'm good at it or not, but I just had to get this out. There is no excuse for this… I just wanted to write it so it wouldn't build up and make my head explode. Enjoy! ^_^
It had been a mistake to come back. Deep in his heart, Tetsuhiro had known this would happen. He had known that going back to Fukuoka was one of the worse things he could have done, the worst being what he had just done not four days ago. It was because of this terrible deed, committed in lust and drunkenness such a short time ago, that he had decided to go through with the second mistake despite knowing what the outcome would be. He welcomed it.
"I'm glad you decided to come crawling back," the man said, smirking as he bit down on Tetsuhiro's neck.
"I'm not here for good, you know," Tetsuhiro muttered, his gaze unfocused as he tried to forget where he was at the moment, "Just for two weeks."
"And I'm going to make the most of those two weeks. Maybe I'll convince you to stay with me, but even if I don't, we can still have some fun, right?"
"Yeah…" the olive-eyed man tried to relax as much as he could, feeling those fingers probing at his entrance. It was too soon for his liking, but he didn't dare complain. For one thing, the man above him would surely hit him for voicing any discomfort. For another, he had no right to complain when he had done the same thing to his beloved Senpai.
Thinking of Souichi brought tears to his eyes, but he didn't care to hide them. They excited his current lover, and he showed it by growling possessively and thrusting three fingers into the bound man swiftly. Tetsuhiro bit his tongue to prevent from crying out. His screaming was something else that excited the sadist, but Tetsuhiro didn't feel like satisfying him too much at once. He would end up angry if he thought Tetsuhiro was submitting too easily.
"Didn't like that, did you?"
"N- no… It hurts, Hiroshi…" Tetsuhiro mumbled in the way that he knew his former lover liked; a pleading tone with a hint of anger. His efforts were rewarded with another thrust of wiggling fingers, which were soon taken out to be replaced by Hiroshi's cock.
Tetsuhiro allowed himself to whimper a little when the real pounding began. Hiroshi didn't waste any time, and Tetsuhiro soon found himself gritting his teeth to prevent from screaming. With every thrust, he reminded himself that he deserved it. He imagined that this was what Souichi must have felt like, even though he hadn't been shackled to the bed with rough iron chains. Tetsuhiro had been gentle, too. Still, rape was rape. He had gone too far, and destroyed any hopes he had had of being accepted as a lover by his senpai.
More tears flooded from his eyes, brought on by the pain in his body and in his heart. He reveled in it, opened himself wide for it, accepted it in the hope that his suffering could somehow ease the pain he had caused Souichi. As Hiroshi slammed into him, thoughts of Souichi began to flow as quickly as his tears. He willed them away, though. He couldn't allow himself to think of Souichi in that way, especially not now.
Regardless of how much he fought it, though, Tetsuhiro couldn't help imagining that it was Souichi doing this to him. Part of him felt that it was only fitting to be punished in such a way by his victim, and yet…
A wave of shame suddenly washed over him, accompanied by a moan, when he felt a jolt in his groin. He couldn't believe that he'd been turned on by that image. There he was, lying on his stomach with his face pressed into the dingy sheets, Hiroshi's alcohol-tainted breath washing over his back, blood starting to stain the sheet underneath him because of the rough intrusion into his body… and he was turned on by thinking of Souichi.
He wondered if he was really that sick. Did he really have it so hard for his senpai that he would fantasize about being raped by him while he was being raped by his old boyfriend, after raping Souichi in the first place? It was ironic. Guilt, sickening and burning, took him. He began to lift his hips, meeting Hiroshi's thrusts until he felt he would be torn in two from the friction. Driven to the brink by Tetsuhiro's bucking, Hiroshi uttered a short cry and spilled his seed into the now limp body beneath him. Tetsuhiro felt the unpleasant wetness, a reminder of why he usually preferred to be on top. And yet he didn't whimper like he so desperately wanted to. He didn't make a sound. He just lay there until Hiroshi collapsed on top of him, panting and sweaty.
"You're still a pretty good fuck," Hiroshi panted, rolling over and zipping up his pants, "Though I'm surprised you've been single all this time. You used to love screwing around."
"Things change," Tetsuhiro said, staring off into space with his head turned away from Hiroshi.
"Yeah, well, old habits die hard."
Those words echoed in his ears as Hiroshi stood up and walked out of the room. He was right. Old habits did die hard. Five years ago, before he had gotten his life in order, he had had a definite cycle. First, he would find a young man who looked innocent and carefree. Because they were all drug addicts or alcoholics or simply just people looking for a good lay, though, many of them were anything but innocent. He would take them home, screw them senseless, and then drop them like old newspaper. Then he would feel guilty about it, seek out someone to dominate him and punish him, and leave with an ache in his backside and a feeling of vindication in his heart.
Wasn't this just the same as it had been all those years ago? Even though he loved Souichi with all his heart, even though he hated to see him hurt, he had still violated him. He had demolished the trust he had worked so faithfully to build. The look in his senpai's eyes told him that they didn't have a snowball's chance in hell. And now, he had come back to the last boyfriend he had had before going off to college - an abusive and possessive bastard.
He wasn't sure what hurt worse at the moment - his heart, or his ass.
Maybe he had been attracted to Souichi because he was the embodiment of the cycle. Tetsuhiro would lavish affection on him, then end up hurting him in some way; even in minor ways like making a mistake while helping with a project. Then Souichi would get angry, and yell at him and beat him. This would make Tetsuhiro feel that he had atoned for his misstep, and then it would start all over again.
The way things were looking now, though, it seemed like the cycle was at an end. With Souichi, at least. Tetsuhiro felt a familiar pull at his soul, a heaviness that dragged him into the depths of despair like a stone tied to his foot. He had broken out of that cycle, but had chosen the worst way to do it. Now he felt that he was slipping back into the old cycle. But it didn't matter to him anymore. Nothing mattered now. School, friends, senpai… he had lost them all, just as he had lost his family and Masaki.
It was his own fault. And in two weeks, he would return to pack his things and then go back to the old life. Perhaps he could stay with Hiroshi, and at least pretend that the beatings and snide remarks were born of love, just like he had deluded himself with Souichi's violent advances.
After all, it was probably the closest thing to love that he was ever going to get.
Umm… OK, that was kinda depressing to write, but at least I got it out of my head! I kept thinking about that two-week gap right after Tetsuhiro raped Souichi, and about what kind of "friend" Tetsuhiro had stayed with…
Well, that's all, I think. Thanks for reading!