The first time they dance it's to some fast, happy sounding music, very different to what John listened in Mary's secret room. They both have no idea what they're doing, trying to move their bodies to the rhythm and tripping over their own feet and falling into each other like they are drunk. Later John will think that they were drunk, drunk on emotions. They laughed a lot that night, carelessly, and their hands were always laced together. Jürgen has a beautiful laugh, John thinks, and that he looks really attractive with his face flushed like this. John doesn't know what to do with those thoughts. He never had them before.
Thank you, Jürgen says and only then John realises that he said them out loud. He blushes underneath his flushed face.
I like you, too Jürgen smiles and reaches up to tousle John's hair. Suddenly John feels very conscious of how close they are, how warm he feels and how blue Jürgen's eyes are.
Jürgen's hand rests against his cheek, caressing his skin. His lips are slightly opened and John can hear him breath. Jürgen's smile widens and he says
This is the part where you kiss me but does it himself.
John is petrified the moment Jürgen's lips touch his because he's not prepared for the onslaught of emotions that come with that simple gesture. Jürgen's tongue swipes over his lips, asking entrance that John gives.
Something surges through him, so fast and intense that he has to grab Jürgen or else he would have fallen to his knees.
I cannot live, he thinks from a rational corner of his mind, the small part of him that still demands control. It's impossible for one man to feel so much and still life.
His knees are weak and his heart is racing in his chest, it feels as close to dying as he can imagine it. Then Jürgen reaches down, touches him and John realizes at once, desire spreading like fire through his veins, that is possible in that single moment to feel even more and still live.
He collapses from the force of it, he can't help it.
It can be overwhelming, can't it? Jürgen smiles at him.
Was that sex? John has never done that before. Procreation is done by artificial insemination. He's never heard of sex before meeting Jürgen and joining the Resistance.
Not quite There's laughter in Jürgen's voice. John manages to stand up even if his knees still feel weak and his trousers are damp. Looking at him John feels the urge to touch Jürgen, to kiss him again but he doesn't know if he can so he asks first.
Of course you can Jürgen takes John's hand and leads him over to the bed. They sit down on it and John carefully touches Jürgen's cheek like Jürgen did earlier.
Jürgen opens him mouth under John's lips without hesitation and they kiss for hours, John wanting to learn everything that there is about kissing Jürgen until his hand accidentally slips underneath Jürgen's shirt and Jürgen suggests that they can take their clothes off.
John's breath catches in his throat when he lays his hand over Jürgen's naked chest. He's fighting the desire to touch Jürgen everywhere and losing it.
Their bodies slide against each other, hands and legs and mouths.
It's a bit like dancing John says and Jürgen nods.
They used to call it that He tells him and kisses John's neck.
It's overwhelming, the warmth and intensity and John thinks he might die from it and not regret it. It's too much and yet John cannot stop wanting more.
They finally fall into an exhausted sleep, still wrapped around each other.
When John wakes up to the sight of Jürgen next to him, still asleep he's at loss what to do because he doesn't want to get up and he doesn't want to wake Jürgen to have sex again. Within him he finds this strange desire to lie here and watch Jürgen sleep. Their hands are still loosely entwined between their bodies.
Usually Jürgen's calm seems to protect him like a shield but asleep like this he seems fragile, vulnerable and John is surprised how suddenly and fiercely he wishes to protect him despite knowing that Jürgen can take care of himself.
He caresses the inside of Jürgen's wrist with his thumb because he can. He hopes he is allowed to do it but this is what his emotions told him to do right now, right here. He suddenly feels vulnerable as well, naked as he is. It's not a feeling he is used to yet and he doesn't think that he will ever like feeling like this.
John looks out of the window to see that the sky in the east is changing colours. He drops a kiss on Jürgen's lips, hoping again that this is appropriate, and startles when Jürgen hums against his lips.
This is a nice way to wake up. What time is it? He asks without opening his eyes.
Too early John answers Go back to sleep.
Jürgen does and John waits until his breath is even again before he climbs out of the bed, searching for his clothes. Then he grabs a chair and sits down at the window, watching the sun rise.
Jürgen wakes up an hour later, when the sun is already sending her bright, yellow rays through the streets of Libria.
He gets out of bed, standing behind John and resting his hands on John's shoulders. John leans back his head against his chest.
The city looks beautiful like this Jürgen says.
It was the first beautiful thing I ever saw John tells him. The morning after I forgot to take my dose. It rained and the sun rose and I couldn't stand it. How beautiful it was.
The first time I left Libria I heard a bird sing. I cried in the middle of the wasteland, surrounded by resistance soldiers. They all understood what it meant to me. John recognises that Jürgen honours his trust with sharing this detail of his life. His hands comes up to cover Jürgen's and he says
Jürgen kisses the top of his head and leaves him to find his own clothing. John feels the loss of Jürgen's proximity and turns around to watch him get dressed. He feels those emotions from last night stir inside him. He still wants to run his hands all over Jürgen's body, wants to see, hear, smell, taste and touch him.
When Jürgen offers him his hand John takes it without hesitation. It feels natural to touch Jürgen and unnatural not to do it.
Come on, your children are probably wondering what is keeping you Jürgen says with a smile and together they walk to the kitchen.