Author's Note: This fic is pure parody. As much as I love the prequel trilogy, it has plot holes the size of Russia and we all know it. This idea stemmed from my own frustration about some of those holes, particularly how the downfall of the Jedi Order was executed. Honestly, it's painful to watch them make one horrible mistake after another. I know it is partially supposed to be that way, but it would be great if the characters weren't so out of character as a result. This story starts from the ending scene of Attack of the Clones, and stems onward from there.
Anyway, I won't keep you. On with the story! Hope you enjoy it xD
Not Another Prequel Movie
By: Angel Wings-008
"Do you believe what Count Dooku says about Sidious controlling the Senate? It doesn't feel right."
Finally, someone raised the question. How astounding.
Drawing his robes tighter around him, Darth Sidious kept himself concealed along the outer wall of the chamber, behind one of the chairs in the Jedi Council room. How did they not notice him, you ask? Come now, this was the prequel trilogy, silly. Remember? It didn't have to make sense as long as you threw in some breathtaking imagery, and an action packed lightsaber duel here and there.
Sidious almost wished the Jedi would catch wind of his plans. At least that would mean they weren't quite as stupid as he'd thought. Honestly, they were missing the red flag he was waving right in front of their faces, and he didn't understand why.
"Joined the darkside, Dooku has. Lies, deceit. Creating mistrust are his ways now."
He rolled his eyes. Yes, of course the little troll would manage to come up with some fortune cookie saying or another. Surely Windu and Kenobi were a bit more astute than that. They weren't seriously going to buy this load of crap, were they?
"Nevertheless, I feel we should keep a closer eye on the Senate."
That was it? Master Windu, say it isn't so. 'I feel we should keep a closer eye on the Senate?' Could he get any more passive-aggressive? That was what he hated most about the Jedi. It was their 'I'm still going to kill you eventually, but I'll be nice about it,' approach.
'I agree?' What were they going to do next? Order a pizza? Maybe hire some dancing girls for the night, pull out the keg, and start partying? Argh! No wonder destroying them was such child's play. That was the last straw. He couldn't take it anymore. Without further adieu, Sidious burst out from his hiding place, despite the fact that these were the Jedi Council chambers and he wasn't supposed to know where they were in the first place.
The three Jedi were, of course, stunned speechless.
"You idiots don't know anything, do you? Honestly, people have been dropping hints for two movies now, and you're still in the dark? You all seem to agree that the Senate is becoming corrupt, but no, no one would suggest looking there for the Sith Lord. Come on; think about it for a second, even if only hypothetically! If the Senate was being controlled, who would be in the best position to manipulate all of the Senators, huh? I don't know, maybe the Supreme Chancellor. The one you all just gave emergency executive powers to?"
Kenobi raised a hand, preparing to speak, but Sidious wouldn't have it.
"I can basically do whatever the hell I want, and you're not suspicious of me? Obviously I'm manipulating the shit out of all of you asshats. I haven't even made my interest in The Chosen One a secret, and you're still clueless? God, what do I have to do, paint you a fucking picture? I'm the embodiment of evil itself, I'm standing right in front of you, and you still can't sense the darkside in me?"
This time it was Windu who attempted to put a stop to his rant. "Actually…" The Jedi Master appeared to be trying to tell him something. Imagine that. Well, fuck him.
"No, shut up! Shut. Up! I have had it with this nonsense. Listen. I. Am. A. Sith. Lord. Yellow eyes, force lightning, murdered my master in his sleep, Sith Lord. Do you get it now? Is that clear enough for you, or do I have to sing a musical number? You'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Master Kenobi? Is that the secret? Would I be getting through to you if we spontaneously broke into song at the end of every important scene? Well guess what, hot shot. This isn't Moulin Rouge!"
Kenobi looked appropriately disgruntled. "I resent that. I'll have you know that most people I come into contact with quite enjoyed my singing."
Sidious hid his face in his hands. "You know what? This isn't even worth it anymore. I quit. You can have your stupid Republic. I don't want it if the entire galaxy is filled up with idiots like you." The Supreme Chancellor then spun on his heel and stomped through the doorway, footsteps echoing down the hall until they faded into the background.
For a moment, the three Jedi could do nothing but stare after him, shaking their heads in remorse.
"Well, this won't do. We wouldn't want to screw up the entire plotline for the original trilogy," Mace Windu reasoned, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Obi-Wan sighed in response, crossing his arms over his chest.
"No one told him, did they? Poor guy."
Master Yoda scoffed, tapping his gimmer stick against the floor. "Had the right idea, he did. Overlook something so obvious, I would not. Sith Lord he is, but die we must, even if out of character we are as a result."
"It is a shame though, isn't it? Do they really expect the audience to believe that I haven't noticed Anakin's darkside tendencies, his love for Padme' or the Chancellor's hold over him? They play us off as brothers, and then they try to pull something like that? Honestly, you'd think I would have at least picked something up when he killed all of the sand people. That's what the master/padawan bond is for in the first place, right? How could I not notice? I can't imagine he was shielding in such a shaky state of mind. The books are more clear about all of it, I suppose, but how many people in the world actually read these days? Those who only watch the movies probably think I'm an idiot."
Mace scowled in annoyance. "At least you die honorably. I hesitate at the worst possible moment and get my hand chopped off, only to fall to my death. Not to mention, I end up being the scapegoat for all of that crap the media pushes onto the public about the Order."
"You have a point, but at least it was quick. I end up suffering all alone in exile for twenty years, with no one to talk to but the force-ghost of my long dead master, some sand people, and a guy who hates my guts."
"Touché', my friend. Touché'."