I Remember

By: TracyCook

Disclaimer: I own nothing. These characters belong to the creator of Sonny With A Chance.

Couple: Sonny/Tawni

Rating: T

Authors Note: Another one shot for y'all it is kinda sad… but not suicide or anything, just regrets and memories. The song is I Remember by Kelly Clarkson, I'll always be a Kelly pusher because I absolutely adore her. Her music and lyrics are so beautiful… meaningful. Sorry I haven't been writing much for this couple the last few days been working on Glee, One Tree Hill (which I'll add soon), and Ghost Whisperer stories. Oh and lately I have been on a songfic kick haha so if you don't like them I apologize

I Remember

Wednesday, never felt so cold here…

Found your letter,

Didn't know your words could hurt me still…

Her hands shook as she read through the letter that she had read numerous times before; over the last few years she had looked over the words enough to have them memorized well enough to recite them on command. She knew every detail from the pink heart dotted I's to the smudged ink where her tears had fallen.

Every time that she came to the end she felt her stomach clench and as if her heart were being squeezed tightly in her chest, so tightly that she lost the ability to breath and simply sobbed and gasped for needed oxygen. It was painful. The loss of the one person she had always loved more than anyone in this world and knowing that it is all her fault. Toward the bottom of the letter she once again allowed her large brown blurry eyes to scan the words.

'I always loved you Sonny, please be mine.

Tawni Hart.'

Fresh tears formed in her eyes as she curled up on the ground in a ball and sobbed into the sheets soaking them through. Sonny Munroe had hated herself since that day, since the day that she had pushed the blonde she loved more than anything away, since the day she had given up on love. "I wish I could see you just one more time." She choked out through the sobs that wracked her body, her voice nasally from her nose that was running down her face as her body shook.

Laying on the ground, nothing I can do but wait it out…

Creeping in, slowly wearing me down…

And I remember.

Changing everything I used to need…

They had slept together after she found the note, she had confronted her blonde best friend only to feel pink and sweet lips pressed against her own. The passion behind the kiss was unlike any other she had ever shared with Chad or any other boy. It was intense and full of lust and desires that she only wanted to share with Tawni, that day she had decided that it was what she wanted and that the blonde was the only one for her. In that moment Sonny had known that she belonged only in her arms.

What seems normal in the evening usually doesn't seem so normal in the morning though, and when she awoke in that bed she panicked. Despite the warmth and despite how right it felt being wrapped up in the arms of her friend, she knew that it was wrong. How could she be with a woman? Her mother would hate her, her friends would hate her, her fans would all hate her and Sonny Munroe did not enjoy being hated.

She had not taken into account that by choosing for all of these unimportant people in her life not to hate her she would be making the one person she truly cared for and loved hate her. This ended up being a worse fate it seemed. Years had passed and she had never heard from her friend again, not since their fight.

Now instead of spending those nights wrapped up in the warmth of the blonde diva's body she spent it wrapped up in his embrace. Chad, her husband. She had married him more out of desperation than anything; she knew that everyone wanted them to be together. Her fans and her mother were all excited beyond belief when they found out about their marriage, it was Channy and that was the way it was supposed to be. Yet, every night since then she had spent wrapped up in his arms she felt an emptiness that only grew.

His arms don't fit the way yours did,

But at least they're holding me.

He will never leave me,

He will never break me like you do,

But he will never be you…

Although the fight had been Sonny's fault she still harbored anger with her friend and how she had reacted, how she had given her an ultimatum. Tawni had gotten amazing news she was going to be a fashion designer in New York, she would finally have her shoe-line Tawni Toes.

The brunette had been more than happy for her friend telling her how proud she was of her for following her dreams just as she had done when it came to getting on the show. The blonde diva had given her the cold shoulder; in fact she had been ignoring Sonny since the time they had slept together. Sobbing into her hands the usually optimistic girl allowed herself to travel down memory lane as she recalled the fight with her one true love.

'Tawni and Sonny were both in their dressing room and the blonde had just finished bragging about the amazing offer, of course she was a little too proud. Still, the brunette had been very happy for her friend. "Good job Tawn! I'm proud of you!"

"So you want me to go then?" Her voice cracked as she asked the question, obviously she was trying to keep her emotions hidden but large brown eyes saw through them.

Hesitantly Sonny nodded her head and smiled "Well, of course. Why wouldn't I want you to go after your dream?"

"I don't know! Maybe because you slept with me Sonny! Doesn't that mean anything to you?" The diva screamed out in agitation, her voice high and shaking as she did so. A scowl written across her lips and her jaw clenched tightly as blue eyes glared to the other woman in the room awaiting her response. When none came Tawni continued. "Okay? Not good enough? Well how about this then Sonny."

She started to pace the room and brown eyes watched as she moved back and forth shaking her hands in anger. "How about you choose now, either be with me or I am taking this offer and you will never see me again!"

So just tonight I let you in,

Close my eyes and I pretend,

That it's you instead of him…

As the memories flooded back into her mind the tears flooded from her eyes to the wooden floor soaking it as her body shook and her chest heaved violently, heart hammering away in her chest like a drum. "Why? Why did I let you go?" She practically screamed through ragged breaths.

I kiss his face, hold him close,

Whisper softly so he won't know,

That I'm remembering you again…

'Sonny's eyes had filled up with fear when she was confronted with such a choice, how could she either choose to be with her friend romantically or let her go permanently? It didn't seem fair to her, it wasn't fair to her. "You want me to make a choice like that?" She practically shouted at the blonde as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Yes Sonny, I want you to make a choice like that. I need to move on with my life. I have spent the last year in love with you and all you notice is him." Tawni whispered out as tears filled her own eyes but she quickly turned to disguise her weakness with a mask she had learnt to wear well.

"But Tawn, I'm your best friend… you're my best friend, can't we just go back to that?" She squeaked out her voice high and cracking.

"No! Don't you see? I never looked at you as a friend! I always wanted more! Please Sonny I know you feel it too. We could be happy." The taller of the two said turning back to the brunette moving toward her and wrapping her up in a warm embrace that she found she loved a little too much.

She felt comfortable and safe and never wanted to let go, but she knew she had to. "We can't be together romantically it's wrong."

"But you feel it too! You love me too!" She screeched out before planting her lips firmly to Sonny's in a deep and passionate kiss. Once her lips had tasted of chocolate and sweet, now they were tainted with salty tears. Still it was perfection. She felt more than a spark, she had felt an explosion, but she knew it couldn't be and pulled away from the diva.

"No, Tawni. I-I'm sorry. I do love you but this is wrong… I can't give you what you want." The last words were only a whisper. Secretly she hoped that the other would not hear her at all.

Letting out a loud groan of anger the blonde screamed "Fine! You can live in your little delusional world Sonny! But I refuse to be a part of it anymore! This is the last time that you will ever see me, and please do not call!" And with that, she was gone.'

Closer, closer than I like to be,

Loving him and letting go of you isn't easy…

Nothing you can do, nothing he can be,

Nothing I can ever say,

I'll keep you here till you fade away.

She had called, so many times. Left so many messages on her answering machine in hopes to gain her forgiveness. Even told her that she would be with her if she just came back. The pain that Sonny had felt from missing her only multiplied as the months turned into years and she said yes to Chad's proposal. Tawni knew about it, she knew that they were married and just knowing that she knew that hurt Sonny. It was hard to really understand.

I could fight it, try and forget you…

I could fight it but I don't want to…

Still she knew that she had to suck it up. All of these tears were only being wasted. She was optimistic and she always smiled when he held her. She always smiled. Always. But, when alone she turned into someone unfamiliar to herself. A sobbing mess crying on the floor screaming at herself that she hated herself as she tore out her hair. Staring at the pictures she and Tawni had taken in her phone and reading over the letter that had led to that fateful night.

It were as if she were in constant purgatory. She could not reach heaven, but she was not in hell either. She was simply in existence for as long as her life may last, and she would never obtain the one thing that she had always longed for. Tawni Hart would always be the one who got away.

And I remember you.


Authors Note: Hope y'all like it. Please review y'all make me super smiley! Love you guys! Oh and added another chapter to my ghost whisperer fic so if you like that show check it out! Odd couple as usual.

-Tracy Cook