A/N: This one is very old. Like, October 2007 old. It's a co-write with Riles (Irresistible Evil here on ff-het) from the time when we were still on Quizilla. The first (slightly less than) 1000 words of this were written by her, then I continued till the end. Then, she was supposed to write the ending with the actual ~lovin'~, but. We both got derailed, so I brought it to a viable end, not wanting to keep this sitting in my folder till the end of time. (No, I don't know what we were thinking back then, and I don't remember what we were smoking either.)
Warnings: crack. OOC crack. Potty mouths. And general insanity.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything even remotely connected with Yuugiou, and iirc, Irresistible Evil doesn't either.
Love In An Elevator
The sun rose up in the sky, illuminating the high building of Kaiba Corporation, the massive, cold creation in great contrast against the lovely picturesque sight of Domino city at sunrise, but the two boys that stood on the very top of the building didn't seem to mind, for their malicious minds were far to preoccupied.
"Yes, Malik, I know. For this is probably the 20th time you said that!" the taller of the two groaned, rolling his eyes over the complaining of his blonde-haired friend that now really started to annoy the spirit, who wasn't that much of an early bird.
"But Bakura, it's only six in the morning! I want my pokemon cereal!" the boy named Malik whined, stomping his foot to emphasize his growing hunger.
"Shut up, baka. You're giving me a headache! Ugh... why the heck did I bring you instead of Marik anyways?" the spirit asked, throwing his hands up in the air in wonder.
"He's watching teletubbies' reruns; he missed the last episode when he had some trouble with flushing bodies down the toilet." Malik rolled his eyes when he remembered how angry Marik had been at him that day, for he had been the reason his yami had to miss his favorite show. But there are certain rules in the Ishtar household that cannot be ignored.
First you have to get rid of those pesky bodies and remaining limbs, and then you can go and play.
Bakura's eye twitched a little at that comment. Teletubbies? It kind of worried him that a person such as Marik enjoyed watching grown up men in way too colorful suits jump around like a bunch of retards, but he had more important matters to think of.
"Riight... Err... Gimme the stuff already," he told the former tombkeeper after he got rid of the rather disturbing image of Marik running around in a purple suit. It was time for their - HIS malicious plan to be performed. "...Marik? You do have it with you right?" he asked after a few moments of silence, waving a hand in front of the now seemingly shocked Egyptian's face, wondering how exactly had his friend managed to screw up another brilliant plan of his this time.
"Look! He's coming! He's coming!" Malik suddenly yelled alarmed, snapping out of his trance and getting a few water balloons out of his pocket, throwing them over the ledge without even properly aiming for his goal first. Great... So much for the malicious plan.
The two boys dashed out to the ledge to see whether their plan had worked out like they'd planned. "Did it hi-he-haaa! What is HE doing here?" Malik screeched rather panicked, grabbing his head between his hands as if to prevent it from falling off in confusion. His jaw dropped, adding to his shocked expression, as he looked more intently this time. "I-is he...limping?"
While Malik was stammering, Bakura was laughing in such a hysterical manner that a few lights in the opposite building flashed on. Those poor innocent people were now probably scared out of their minds, wondering if another lunatic had escaped from an asylum and was trying to 'fly' from a building. "Look at his hair!" Bakura managed to yell in between his hysterical laughter and cries of joy.
The source of all this commotion was a young boy, none other than Yami Yugi, the King of Games, his usual spiky tri-colored hair now sticking to his wet face, creating a rather impressive sight.
"Hundred points!" Bakura yelled, bouncing around like an over-exited schoolboy who had just gotten laid for the first time, which was, in Bakura's case, a rather incorrect comparison. Yami now started to scream in utter horror, trying in a vain attempt to get his hair out of his eyes, but sadly enough, with very little success. If there wouldn't be a bunch of sticky hair hanging in front of his face, and if he could've seen his attackers, maybe then he would have realised why this was an impossible task.
'Cause we all know Bakura would never fill his water balloons with just plain, ordinary water, eh?
After a few horrible minutes of despair, Yami desperately ran - or actually limped - away, yelling and screaming while running into a few lamp posts during the process, causing Bakura to cry with laughter. But that came to an immediate stop when he suddenly realised that what Malik had said, was true. "Hey, he is limping!"
The realization of what had happened behind the closed doors of Kaiba Corporation that very night immediately switched on Bakura's perverted mind.
"Hey Malik, who do you think is the seme?"
That question resulted in Malik screaming insanely, shaking his head to get rid of the horrid images of a naked Yami Yugi on a certain person's desk. "Get it away!" he shrieked, twitching. "Think of happy thoughts, Malik! Happy thoughts!" the Egyptian said out loud, breathing heavily as if he was in labour, still clutching his head.
"Mwahaha! YES! Scream! Meheheh... BLOOD!" Malik gleefully exclaimed, his eyes slightly glazing over, as he got lost in his 'happy thoughts'.
Bakura wished he had a torture device close at hand, but since he hadn't, he just took a deep breath instead and imagined Malik being pushed off of the building. That seemed to work. "Shut your pan, baka! We've got work to do now that we're out of balloons. I want to see Kaiba-boy soaking wet before I leave this place." That last part caused Malik to snap out of his thoughts... surprisingly. "I assume he's still somewhere in the building masturbating over that bloody midget! And he has to come out at some point, and if that moment comes... I'll be there with my balloons."
"Yay!" Malik grinned with crazy malice, making his friend wince with concern.
"Right," the thief growled, wondering where had his mind been this fine early morning when he'd decided to call for this one particular blonde baka. Heck, even Ryou would've been of greater help! At least he never asked questions and did what he was told to do. Well, most of the time, Bakura frowned, eyes narrowing thoughtfully.
"Hey!" Malik turned back to glance at his pale friend, frowning as the spirit still stood gazing down at the street below, completely lost in what appeared deep thoughts to Malik. But, alas, he was not very good with discerning things like those, having morals and the comprehension of a deranged goldfish... or some other form of life of that sort. "You coming?"
Bakura turned with an irritated sigh and deliberately made his way inside the building. If they got lucky, Kaiba wouldn't be checking his security cameras at the moment or else they were screwed. Hell, they'd be screwed anyway. Now just why had he taken Malik with him? But one look at that ass swaying a few steps ahead of him in those tight khaki pants was what you could call a reason to die for.
Suddenly Bakura came to a stop, realising something rather important. Where on earth would they get balloons this early in the morning? All shops were still closed, plus, it was Sunday. Who worked on Sundays? Well, apart Seto Kaiba.
Malik, no longer hearing footsteps behind him, turned around and frowned at the thief. "Why'd you stop?"
"Tell me, Malik," Bakura spoke slowly as if talking to someone of the age of five, which, in Malik's case, could not be too far from the truth, "are shops open on Sundays?"
Malik frowned, then slowly shook his head.
"We need balloons, right?" Bakura continued in that same slowpoke tone.
Malik gave an approving nod.
Bakura smirked triumphantly and turned down some corridor, heading towards Kaiba's office. Malik's eyes grew to the size of saucers at that and he silently rushed after him.
"What in the name of Ra are you doing?" the blonde silently hissed, skipping to a halt next to the thief.
"Getting balloons," was the cool reply as Bakura approached the secretary's desk near the massive office door behind which - they were more than certain - was Kaiba.
However Malik was never able to finish that silent hiss because several things happened at once. As Bakura approached the table, the handle turned and the door to Kaiba's office started opening. The thief then grabbed the Egyptian by the front of his precious belly-shirt or tank top five sizes too small more likely, which he wore only because he'd gotten jealous of Alister showing his midriff off. Which indeed was far more muscular than Malik's own (he'd obviously gained some added weight because, hey! - Pokemon cereal tends to do that when on overdose) and even Kaiba had been seen sneaking hungry glances at the redhead, but, alas, the CEO had a kind of suspicion, an inner gutter feeling, you might say, that Yami Yugi wouldn't approve. So, he never made a move on the man even though he was kind of getting bored of the ancient spirit and his constant rants. Thank Heavens he couldn't rant while having Kaiba Junior showed down his throat. But that's truly beside the point.
Currently though Kaiba walked out of the office, blinking at the empty lobby. He was certain to have heard something, but since no one was there, he just shrugged it off and sauntered over to the bathroom, obviously lacking proper clothing. Frowning, he stopped and turned to glance at the secretary's desk with slight suspicion. He thought of having heard some noise. Probably a mouse or something, he thought and decided that a call should be made to the pest-remover company or whatever the heck you are supposed to call that. If anything, he was certain that his secretary would know. She looked just the kind of hoodlum to be living in a house possessed by cockroaches. He himself had never seen any and could not think (didn't know rather) of any other kinds of pests, apart mice, roaches and, well, Wheeler. Therefore he ran one hand through his messed brown bangs, and with a contented sigh escaping him, resumed his walk.
Malik was silently gagging, hiding along with Bakura beneath the secretary's desk. The sound Kaiba thought to have heard was Malik's gasp, followed by a gag when the Egyptian blonde realised that the CEO was walking around completely naked. Well, apart from a rumpled black shirt hanging loosely on his shoulders, but that was really, really beside the point. For that one tiny sound Malik had received a sharp elbow in his side, provided by yours truly Bakura the Thief el Grande and Balloon Hunter.
"Did... did you see that?" Malik hissed through his teeth, his (luckily) empty stomach giving a desperate and painful lurch upwards.
"Shut it, or he'll hear us!" Bakura snapped back just as quietly, his ears perking up at the distant sound of water running in the bathroom.
"How long are we supposed to stay here?"
"Until he goes back to the lovers' nest. What did you think?"
"This is your fault!" Malik whined, feeling sick to the pits of his stomach and his appetite definitely gone for the closest few millennia. "It's all your bloody fault! We're doomed, we're doomed, we're oh, so doomed! To the hell and worse, and Yami's ass. Oh Ra, save the world from your flames of utter demolition!" He would have started up a ritual peacock seduction dance (which he'd once seen on Animal Planet in those far and distant times when his sister had not banned him and Marik from illegally linking to the cable) with the power of saving world from menacing DOOM-implying elements with UFO-ill-logic origin, but Bakura kicked him with the one of his legs, the Egyptian had sat on. Unsurprisingly enough, he hit THE spot.
"SCORE!" A mighty roar shook the sky down to the pits of the Universe and the entire stadium rose to feet, cheering for the victory. "Go, Black Dranzer! Go, Kai! Demolition all the way, BABY!"
Erm... Wrong anime. ANYWAY!
"Can it," Bakura growled while Malik rubbed his now aching shin. "He's coming back."
And coming back indeed he was. And much to their horror, Kaiba approached the desk (still not being clothed, mind you) and scribbled something down on a sheet of paper before going back into his office, the door falling shut behind him with a silent thud. To inform our devoted readers, I must say that he left a message for his secretary to call for the pest-removers. But let's not dwell on this highly uninteresting fact!
Only once the door was safely shut, the two intruders dared to climb out of their hiding place and Bakura immediately took up ruffling through the drawers in search of something while Malik was standing beside him still shuddering and obviously paled in the face - so much that all of his freckles were showing. (And yes, he does have freckles. You just can't see them because of that ton of make-up, err, I mean - tan. That tan.)
"Bakura," he hissed silently. "Cut out whatever the heck you're doing and let's get lost."
"Just a sec," Bakura mumbled, having just caught a sight of what he was looking for and with a silent and victorious "Aha!" pulled out a set of condoms, successfully managing to make Malik's eyes widen twice the normal size, which was rather weird to see. Of course, the Egyptian could never get even close to the size Alister could widen his grey orbs to, and that was what made this blonde even more annoyed. How could there be anyone else looking more gay than he did? That was just. Not. Fair! Remembering that, Malik pouted, but cut it out when Bakura gave him a weird look, which was also weird to see. Because, come on! Bakura is the King and God of weirdness. And yes, the Shadows too, but that's irrelevant. In this story anyway.
"Whatd'ya need that for?" the Egyptian frowned.
"We'll use them," Bakura latched onto his arm, now being overly happy and dragged the blonde out of the place, "as the balloons."
Malik's jaw dropped several floors down, threatening to sprain the thumb of his left foot, but he refrained. Recovering from his initial shock, the Egyptian made a mental note to himself: Add this to the list of "39 different ways of how to use condoms; use Nr. 273 - balloons." He smirked with glee, seeing this thing from a whole new perspective.
As Bakura continued to walk down the corridor, Malik frowned. His frown grew more and more pronounced as they neared and finally stopped in front of the doors of a bathroom.
"You don't expect me to go in there, do you?" He stared at the door with mild terror.
"What have you? A white door phobia?" Bakura snorted and reached out for the handle, but Malik latched onto his arm, pulling it away. This angered Bakura and he spun to face the Egyptian. "If you don't start acting sane, I'll throw you against that door and strangle you with one of these!" Threateningly the thief waved the packet of condoms in front of Malik's face.
"Like you could!" the blonde snorted back, closing his eyes in mocked self-righteousness. "I was merely trying to explain that this door has been cursed."
"What the hell are you yapping there?"
"The truth, obviously," Malik persisted. "They were cursed with Kaiba curse."
"There is no such thing as Kaiba curse, don't be stupid!" Bakura glared and proceeded to walk inside the room, but Malik's voice stopped him.
"If you want to get infected with midget seed Kaiba washed off in there, be my guest and knock yourself out, but I'm not participating."
The spirit in the Briton's body contemplated it for a minute, then sighed. He was so not going to finish his malicious plan stalling like this. "Fine. Do you have any other suggestions then?"
"There should be bathrooms on other floors too." And Malik was already halfway to the elevator, leaving Bakura no other choice but to follow.
They decided that seven floors down would be fairly enough, and after getting out of the cabin, walked down the empty hallway, looking in all directions for the nearest lavatory.
"There!" Malik pointed in the distance and ran off with glee.
Bakura muttered something illegible and followed him. Once they were inside the sterile white room, Bakura glanced around in a try to find something he could fill his improvised balloons with. Plain water would not do here.
"How about liquid soap?" Malik pointed at the dispenser.
"How about I flush your head down the toilet?" Bakura scrunched up his nose, addressing his friend with scorn.
"How about I do that myself?" Malik spat back with irritation. It took him a few seconds to realise what he'd just said.
Bakura roared with laughter and slapped his knees. "Yes, Malik. You go and do that."
The blonde raised his chin and sauntered out of the bathroom, his fragile spirit offended. (Yeah, right!) He walked down the corridor until he came in front of the door that looked just like a door to a janitor's closet. I wonder if this door might lead to the janitor's closet? Malik cocked his head in wonder and reached for the door handle. Slowly, he pushed it down and tentatively opened it. (What? No one wants to get jumped from a closet!) It turned out to be a janitor's closet and Malik stepped inside it, lavender eyes scanning over the random items stored in there. They lit up with malicious glee upon noticing a few bottles with the ultimately menacing labels Floor Wax and Bleach.
Meanwhile Bakura glared at the dispenser, having trouble with comprehending just how exactly was he supposed to get anything out of there and into the condoms. He attempted to kick the item to see what kind of reaction that would call from it, but misjudged the distance, like, a LOT and his kick landed on the mirror, breaking it. Thankfully, the thing was quite thin and glued to the base, so it didn't fall to the ground. Now the mirror was showing Bakura a very distorted version of himself, which was kind of creepy in of it self.
The door banged open and in strutted Malik, hands behind his back.
"Did you run in a cop or something?" Bakura snorted at his own little joke, which no one understood anyway.
"Gee, 'Kura, your sarcasm's kind of bleached out, if you get my drift." Malik smirked, for once feeling proud of his own wit. "Perhaps you should wax it a bit so it doesn't get rusty."
"What the fuck are you blabbering there, Malik?" Bakura frowned at him. He was not in the best of his moods because Kaiba might have already left while they were still stuck here. And it was all Malik's damn fault! If Marik wouldn't be watching his damn teletubbies, none of this would have happened.
And then, with a gesture oh, so victorious, Malik whipped out the two bottles and stuck them out to display their ever so malicious and threatening labels. Brown eyes glared, then widened and then lit up with the evil flames of hell itself.
"Where on earth did you get that?"
Malik smirked proudly. "I take it, it was the janitor's closet. But I really wouldn't know."
"Like anyone cares! Gimme that!" And Bakura lunged for the bottles. Seizing them, the spirit pressed the two items to his chest like precious jewels and let out a wistful sigh. His malicious, vicious, wicked, malignant, in other words - evil plan could be brought to life once again. With utmost caution he filled the condoms with bleach and floor wax and tied the ends safely shut. After that they left the lavatory and headed back to the elevator.
As the elevator moved up, Malik decided to "play" with the buttons and made the door open on every floor back up, which annoyed Bakura to no end.
"Will you stop that?" The spirit glowered at the Egyptian. "If Kaiba slips away because of your stupid antics, I'll fry you and feed you to my dog."
"You don't have a dog," Malik pointed out.
"Like I care!" Bakura snapped back.
Malik decided to ignore that comment. "Besides, only houses have attics." He felt really proud and smart at knowing something that Bakura did not.
"I said "antics," Malik. God, how stupid can you be?"
"Like in antique?" The Egyptian frowned. This word offended him. "I'm not antique! It's you who's antique!"
"A-n-t-i-c-s, Malik, antics!" Bakura was annoyed enough to spell it for him. The door opened with a tingle, staid transfixed and slipped shut again, the cabin resuming its slowpoke way upwards.
"Eientiiaisiies? Ainteecies?" Malik still could not force his brain around the word. Comprehension of a goldfish, I tell you!
Bakura threw his hands up in desperation at his comrade's stupidity and was about to come up with some rude and very witty comment concerning the blonde's cleverness, but the elevator jerked and stopped with a screech, the lights blinking and flashing madly, and eventually dying out. "Okay. Now what?"