A/N: A birthday gift for a dear friend / partner in crime (and Ciel cosplayer). She's had some toothaches herself, but hopefully never anything quite this… extreme. Happy birthday, dearie, I hope you love this!

Re-release: Ok, so this actually got a pretty severe critical review. I'm not one to ignore this sort of thing, and when there's something wrong, I do seek to right it.

A quick note to the person who caused this: Um, ouch. That was pretty harsh to see. And, yes, you pissed me off pretty bad. But then, getting yelled at by parents and then checking reviews as a pick-me-up, only to find a very critical set of paragraphs waiting for me… that would put anyone in a negative mood. Yes, it was a little low on description, but that was to highlight the fact that this is meant to be silly. OOC? Of course it's OOC! It's about Ciel getting high. If you don't like a little OOC, don't read things with a "humor" tag.

I also thought that its cannon-world status was obvious. I always assume things are cannon unless "AU" is clearly noted. The fact that it's Ether being used and not, say, Novocain or Laughing Gas, might also have tipped you off… perhaps if you knew something about the actual Victorian era and not just about a comic book world, you'd have noticed? An even easier thing to notice is that Sebastian has no idea what a car is.

I fixed the "sir" part, as you'll see… I don't watch it, I read it, and not particularly religiously. It's something I pick up when I see a new volume in the library. It wasn't on my radar to have exacts. But, as always, if a writer/artist does something even remotely half-assed, there is bound to be a rabid fangirl/boy to correct them. At least you fill a niche, darling.

Forgive me for being on the bitchy side, but like draws like. I am extremely offended that you think I'm copying. Every other criticism I can handle, and will seek to improve, but I refuse to stand for a jab at my originality. I have never, and will never plagiarize. The friend for whom this was written loves Black Butler, and she had some painful dental work done right around her birthday. This was my way of making her a personal, inside joke of a gift. I've had my stories ripped-off before, so I don't take kindly to any implication of plagiarism. I work hard on my stories, and nobody helps me write them.

I don't even read in this fandom! *headdesk headdesk headdesk*

Please don't make claims that you can't support. Otherwise, I have added more detail and altered the minor issues.

Hopefully this is now more to your taste.

As always:

Reviews fill me with

Unimaginable joy

And motivation

(Even the bitchy

Ones motivate my work)

† † †

"Ouch!" a loud cry resonated throughout the manor. The lushly carpeted rooms dampened the yelp that bounced along the hardwood and rattled in the windowpanes. Every panel echoed anguish. Ciel Phantomhive was in pain. And there wasn't much that anyone could do to help him.

Even Sebastian could only give a small wince of sympathy in the face of this torment, this horror… this… this… toothache!

Sebastian opened the door to the young master's study to find him clutching his mouth, hands clapped over his lips in apparent agony. The butler entered slowly, approaching the boy.

"Still hurts, I see?" he asked rhetorically. The only thing the poor eye patch-ed boy was capable of doing was giving a pained nod.

"It's the doing of all those sweets, young master," Sebastian said with a sigh, shaking his head slowly.

Ciel looked up. "Well can't you fix it?" he snapped testily.

Sebastian only frowned. "I may be one Hell of a butler," he said solemnly, "But even I am helpless against the horrors of tooth decay."

Outside, thunder clapped and lightning flashed, illuminating the Victorian garden in stark black and white - Which was odd, considering it was a beautiful spring morning.

"You're going to have to have it pulled, my lord," Sebastian pressed his master. The implications of this – infection, risk of sickness, opiate overdose, and further pain – were obvious; but so too were the possibilities of a rotten tooth left in the boy's mouth.

Ciel slammed his hand down on the table. "No! Absolutely not. I will not go to some quack. Never. No."

† † †

One hour and an uncomfortable carriage ride later they were arriving at a doorstep in an unfavorable section of London town. Sebastian rapped upon the half-rotted wood door, his incapacitated master slung over his shoulder.

"The Oriental gentleman may be rather vulgar, but goodness his sleeper hold does wonders." observed the butler.

Ciel frowned from behind Sebastian's back.

"I hate you," he said sourly.

"I have faith that I will be forgiven in time, young master."

At that moment, the door opened, revealing a dark-draped long haired figure- The Undertaker. He smiled, too long with too many teeth, the perfect foil to Ciel's soon lessened bite. "Yeeesss?"

Sebastian inclined his head cordially.

"Good morning. I have a favor to ask of you." He patted Ciel's rump. "We need a tooth pulled."

Ciel balked. "You brought me to him?" he said, raising his voice accusingly, "Have you lost your mind?"

"Do calm yourself, young master. I believe the good man knows what he is doing."

"Indeed!" announced the Undertaker, reaching out and dragging them both inside his lair.

† † †

Ciel soon found himself strapped to a terribly convenient dental seat in the back.

"We shall need to put him out of hurt," said the Undertaker, rooting through an apothecary cabinet, "I have a substance… Ah!" He withdrew a bottle and a rag.

Sebastian raised a brow. "Ether?"

The Undertaker grinned. "Naturally."

Sebastian had a seat on a rickety chair in the corner of the room as the Undertaker rolled back his drooping sleeves. Ciel squirmed uncomfortably where he was pinned. This was not looking good at all for the young master.

Without further ado, he slammed the rag to Ciel's face. The lad struggled for a moment, then lay still.

† † †

The Ether did not put Ciel to sleep; he still felt the pain. He simply did not care. And he kept on talking. Ether had that effect on some people, causing lips to loosen and the strangest ramblings to spill forth. It had such an effect on Ciel.

And, oh, the things he said.

† † †

"The wasps!" shouted Ciel around the fingers at work in his mouth.

Both the Undertaker and the butler blinked.

"I beg your pardon, young master?" said Sebastian slowly.

"The wasps! They're coming. Soon."

Sebastian nodded calmly. "And how do you know this?"

"Buzz Lightyear told me."

† † †

"Captainnn-!"Ciel whined not long thereafter. "We're under attack! Man the helm!"

Sebastian nodded. "Very good, young master."

† † †

The Undertaker was halfway done when suddenly - "Yes!"

Sebastian looked up from the newspaper he'd been reading.

"Yes what, young master?"

"Yes, Gieco CAN save me 15% on my car insurance!"

Sebastian didn't want to bother to ask him what a car was.

† † †

Later, Ciel began frantically yelling "Bitch!"

Sebastian frowned sharply. "Now then, such language is highly unbecoming…"

"Bitch got a penis! Bitch got a penis! Bitch got a penis! Bitch got a penis!"

The young man had to be held down and further sedated.

† † †

Later on, he grew calmer. The offending tooth was plucked from his mouth, but the Ether's effects lingered.

Sebastian brought the suddenly complacent young master home in his arms.

Ciel was rambling like a drunk as they approached the manor.

"Seby… Sebyyyyy…. Sebaaaaastian~!" he slurred, head lolling.

"Yes, Ciel?" The butler replied.

"I love you, man," he broke in to giggles.

"Thank you, young master."

"N- No. No. Really. I luv youuu!"

He was quieted, then, "Sebby… I have an order for you!"

The butler opened the manor door and started up the stairs. "My lord?"

"Gimmie a kiss." Ciel smirked.

Sebastian stopped. "Young master, I do not think you're in much of a condition to be giving any such instruct-"

Ciel cut him off. "Nooo, obey master's orders!" He tried to wink, but lacked the eye to pull it off. He puckered up instead.

Sebastian gave a long-suffering sigh and rolled his eyes... and smooched the boy, brief and sweet. He carried the goofy-grinning Phantomhive up to his room.

The man-servant set his master to bed and shut the door when he left.

† † †

In the purple twilight dark of his room, in the lush comforters and bolsters of his bed, Ciel smirked, feeling truly brilliant.

The ideal plot.

He could never loose such face as to soberly confess his love to Sebastian and beg a kiss. The play-acting of remaining drugged after he'd been sobered was perfect. Inspired! And deliciously devious for once in his sober existence.

He lay back in his bed, inhaling deeply. He was fine. He had his kiss. And Sebastian would never know.

† † †

In the orange gas-lamp glow of the hall, Sebastian rolled his eyes. Honestly, how silly that Ciel actually thought he could get away with such an obvious ploy.

Ah well. At least he had a kiss and the discretion to pretend it had never happened.

After all, he wasn't one Hell of a butler for nothing.