Title: Baby, You Disappoint Me
Word Count: ~1600
Warning: gays and lesbians being married and having children, talk of incest via marriage, queer stereotypes discussed in a (hopefully) humorous manner.
A/N: First glee fic. Hope I kept everyone in character! Let me know what you think, please. Inspired by an interview with Darren Criss where he said he had to "come out" as straight. There will be more to this universe later.
Summary: Toronto Hummel-Anderson has to come out to his dads and his biological mother: he's straight. Kurt might die from disappointment. Future fic. Klaine, Finchel, Hudmel clan. Family fluff/humor.
The admittedly complicated Hudmel family tree (not necessary to understand the story, but just some background information in case you are curious):
Kurt and Blaine: Happily married in New York, living their dreams. They have two children, Toronto James (TJ) Hummel-Anderson, and Emily Hummel-Anderson.
Toronto is the biological son of Rachel and Blaine; Rachel agreed to be their surrogate for their first child, and they did like Rachel's dads did—mixed their sperm and didn't ask who was the "real" father. (Everyone can tell its Blaine, though, because TJ looks like a mini-Blaine with Rachel's nose.) It's clear that TJ is Blaine and Kurt's son, Rachel just gave birth to him. Rachel is a part of their family, though she acts more like a favorite aunt than a mother, and Tori acknowledges her as such. TJ is currently 14 going on 15.
Emily is the biological daughter of Kurt and Santana; Santana agreed to be the surrogate for their second child, and they mixed their sperm once again. Santana was so disappointed when her daughter had Kurt's eyes instead of Blaine's (she wanted to carry her BFF's spawn!) but everyone else thought she was lovely. Though Santana and Brittany live out of state, Santana still keeps in close contact with Emily. Emily is six.
Katherine Belle Hudson is Finn's daughter from his first marriage; Finn used to be married to a baker in Ohio named Joanne, and Katie is their daughter. They got divorced when Katie was four, though, and Finn moved to New York after that, living with Kurt and Blaine until he could find a job in New York. He got a job and was given custody of Katie; eventually, he got remarried, this time to Rachel, and they bought the house right next door to Kurt and Blaine. The two families are super close, and as a result, Toronto and Katie have been best friends since they were four. Katie has two half-siblings, Christopher and Barbra, and is fourteen as well.
Now, for the actual fic:
"Mama. Daddy K. Daddy B—I need to tell you guys something."
The three adults sitting on the couch turned their attention to the gangly boy in front of them. "Of course son. What's on your mind?"
"Will you promise to love me no matter what?"
Kurt tried not to look excited—he and Blaine had a bet going on for years on whether their son, Toronto James Hummel-Anderson, would be gay or not. Blaine believed their son liked girls, but Kurt, well, Kurt knew better. His son was entirely too much like Blaine to be straight—moreover, his son was too much like Rachel to be straight. There was no way a child could come out of her without being at least bicurious—Kurt was sure he was about to win this little wager.
He rested his hand on his son's knee reassuringly. "Toronto, you know you can tell us anything and we will love and accept you no matter what."
Kurt had this in the bag. "We promise."
TJ breathed. "I—I think I'm straight."
Rachel gasped; Kurt looked like he might break out into tears.
(Beside them, Blaine groaned loudly. "Are you kidding me? You're going to make him feel bad about this? Honestly, you two!")
"Are you sure, sweetie?" Rachel asked, lips quivering. "I mean, have you ever kissed a boy? How do you know you're straight?"
TJ blushed. "Mama, I like girls."
"You could like boys, too!" Kurt argued, grasping at straws. "You might be bi!"
Their son giggled, unable to keep the serious act going any more. "I doubt it."
"I don't understand," Kurt pretended to sob. "We raised you so well. I bought you gender-neutral onsies. I let you play with dolls. I made sure you were the most fashionable dressed preschooler there could be. Where did we go wrong?"
"That, and have you seen my vagina?" Rachel argued. "I'm pretty sure there's glitter down there! No way you could have come out straight. No way."
Blaine groaned into his hands. "Will you two stop it? Tori, son, we're happy you're straight. We would be happy if you were gay, or transsexual, or bi or anything because you are our son, and we love you and want you to be happy with yourself, whatever that means for you. These two are just giving you a hard time because they can."
Kurt frowned. "Oh no, I am legitimately disappointed. I was hoping for you to marry a beautiful Italian man and adopt some equally beautiful Asian children. You're crushing all of my dreams here." He winked at his son before sighing dramatically. "I guess I'll have to settle for boring old biological grandchildren instead."
"Besides," Rachel beamed. "There's still a chance little Emily could be a lesbian! Not all hope is lost yet!"
Kurt nodded, excited. "True. Emily is mine, after all, and Santana's. Surely that amount of concentrated gay will make any child queer, right?"
"You two are ridiculous." Blaine grumble, amused and trying not to show it.
"So, you're really not disappointed I'm straight?" TJ asked, bemused.
Rachel stood up and hugged him. "Of course not, sweetheart. We're just teasing you. We love you no matter what sex you're attracted to."
("Can you tell everyone you're bi, though? I mean, I feel like I'm letting the LGBT community down somehow if I managed to raise a perfectly-straight son. Feels unnatural.")
"Besides," Rachel squealed. "Now you can marry Katie!"
Katherine Belle Hudson was Uncle Finn's daughter from his first marriage, Mama Rachel's stepdaughter, and TJ Hummel-Anderson's next door neighbor and lifelong best friend.
TJ paled. "She's my cousin."
"Not by blood," Kurt argued unhelpfully. "It doesn't count."
TJ scrunched his nose. "Even if she wasn't my cousin by marriage, she's still my biological mother's daughter. That's weird."
"Stepdaughter!" Rachel argued. "It doesn't count!"
TJ flushed. "Mama!"
"Come on! You could make the Hudmel clan blood-related. Grandpa Burt and Grandma Carole would be so happy!"
"Mama," TJ argued, gentlemanly and respectfully, so much like Blaine it hurt. "I'm fourteen. I don't want to marry anyone."
"I know. And quite frankly, I'm not ready for you to." Kurt smiled, then leaned forward and kissed his son on the forehead. "But if you have to marry a girl, I'd prefer Katie."
"I'm kidding, Tori." Kurt laughed before hugging his son tightly. "You should still consider it, though. I mean, you and Katie are best friends. Practically joined at the hip. It would be a shame for that to change just because of puberty."
"I mean, you're probably the only boy Finn will ever let near her. You may be her only chance to have a boyfriend before she turns thirty. You should take one for the team."
TJ's face turned even redder. "Dad."
Rachel pinched his cheek. "Look at him blush, Kurt! He's thinking about it!"
TJ pulled away, scowling. "Daddy B, they're being mean to me!"
"They really are, aren't they?" Blaine laughed. "Could be worse, though—they could want you to marry Emily."
TJ looked like he might be sick. "She's my sister."
"Not by blood." It was true—the only relationship Toronto and Emily really had was that Kurt and Blaine raised them. Technically, TJ was Blaine and Rachel's son; Emily was Kurt and Santana's daughter. They still loved each other and treated each other like siblings because really, blood only meant so much.
TJ scrunched up his nose. "I'm pretty sure that's not legal, even in New York."
"What, marrying your stepsibling?" Kurt asked. "Totally legal. I looked it up, just in case Finn decided to go gay someday." Kurt nodded unhelpfully.
"What is wrong with you people? I don't want to marry my sister or my cousin! Geez, what is with you people and incest?"
Kurt shrugged. "Glee club—we were a very incestuous bunch. We still are." Kurt frowned. "You know, I think Tina has a daughter your age."
TJ paled. "Dad!"
Blaine grinned. "David has a daughter, too. She's very pretty—mixed race and all. I hear that's hot."
"Not you too!"
"Ooh, Sam and Mercedes have a daughter!" Kurt practically squealed. "She's a little young for you, though. She's only nine."
Blaine smiled wryly. "Didn't Nick and Jeff adopt a little girl?"
"Oh my God, they did!" Kurt clapped his hands happily. "Where's my phone? I will call them right now! Set up a date for you! You'll have so much in common—you both have gay dads! Imagine all the things you could talk about!"
"I am leaving." Toronto deadpanned, grabbing his hoodie and heading towards the door. "I am going next door to visit Katie, and I am never coming back."
"Have fun!" Kurt called after him, laughing as Blaine wrapped his arms around his husband. "We love you! Be safe!"
"Use protection!" Rachel called after the retreating teenager, causing howls of laughter right as TJ slammed the door. Rachel winked at them before following TJ, no doubt planning on harassing him further.
Kurt was still laughing even as Blaine leaned forward and kissed him. "I love being a parent. Do you think we'll have this much fun when Emily starts dating?"
Blaine frowned, thinking about the sleeping six year old upstairs. "No, because Emily will never date. At least not while I'm alive."
Kurt wagged his finger at his husband. "Double-standard, sir. I thought you were better than that."
"So did I. Then I had a daughter."
Kurt merely snorted. "I really am going to call Nick and Jeff, though. Tori and Alyssa would be so cute together!"
"One step ahead of you—Jeff and I have already planned the wedding via facebook."
Kurt stepped back, looking betrayed. "What? How did I not know about this?"
Blaine kissed him again. "You were still hoping he'd be gay, dear. I knew better."
His husband pouted. "Was I really that bad, though? I mean, he felt he had to come out as straight. I didn't needle him too much, did I?"
"You did a little. He'll get over it, though. He's a good kid."
Kurt kissed his cheek. "Takes after his father, after all."
"Both of them." Blaine grinned, taking Kurt's hand. "Come on upstairs—I'm sure if you let me buy that motorcycle I've had my eye on and we get enough flannel, we can still make sure Emily turns out to be a lesbian."
"I will never let my daughter wear flannel." Kurt swore solemnly. "Also, you are trying to manipulate me, sir."
Blaine laughed. "I take it that's still a no on the motorcycle, then?"
"A big no."
Emily never comes out as a lesbian, much to Kurt and Santana's disappointment; she does, however, grow up with a deep love for motorcycles and cars because, lets face it, Kurt eventually caves and let's Blaine buy a motorcycle. Her other mommy Brittany teaches her how to motorcross and dirt bike, and all the boys love her cause she's fierce, hot, half-Latina, and can pull off a bitchface like nobody's business. She grows up to become quite the little greasemonkey, and Kurt mourns the fact that neither of his children are fabulous enough to inherit his fashion empire.
The only member of the Hudmel clan's second generation to come out of the closet is Katie, actually, leaving Finn to become Burt Hummel 2.0, now-with-hair-edition. It's less angsty than when Kurt came out, because Katie is surrounded by LGBT support and has a fantastic BFF/beard/cousin Toronto, and together they take Broadway by storm because honestly, with their genetics, it was bound to happen.
Toronto never marries Katie; he does, however, date Nick and Jeff's daughter, Alyssa. It doesn't work out because your parents can't be right about everything. He doesn't marry Sam and Mercedes's daughter, either, nor Tina's, nor David's. He does eventually, however, marry a member of his own high school Glee club, because show choir is an inherently incestuous industry and well, come on. It was bound to happen.